Title: Hear me now
Disclaimer: Still borrowing.
Summary: Clark's feelings about Lex.
A/N: Please tell me what you think.
Song credit: Matchbox 20/More than you think you are/Downfall
Here we go again
Ashamed of bein' broken in
We're gettin' off track
I wanna get you back again
I want you to trouble me
I wanted you to linger
I want you to agree with me
I want so much so bad
Come on and lay it down
I've always been with you
Here and now
Give all that's within you
Be my savior
And I'll be your downfall
Life, I've been told, is a mystery. It cannot be explained, planned, shaped to fit your every need. In my case I guess that is true. My past is full of questions, my existence, and my powers –the biggest riddle of them all. A riddle I must keep secret, so therefore cannot seek advice or help. No answer key for me. I must be alone, hide what I do not even know. I have to lie. I've always lied. Growing up it was what I did. Get up, eat breakfast, brush teeth, go to school, lie to your friends, go home, go to bed –and then start all over. Before I was 16 I had lied to Pete, Chloe, hell even Lana, more times than I could count. It bothered me but at the same time it didn't. Because I think it was as if I knew they didn't really want to know. But not him. Yeah sometimes I think the biggest mystery is Lex Luther.
When I met Lex Luther, breathing life back in the body I would grow to depend on, I felt an instant connection. It broke out, shattering all reason, and consumed me. He was this presence. A friend I didn't want to lie to, a confidant I couldn't utilize, a teacher. And more. Something I couldn't define. Something I wasn't ready to see. But something I cherished from the beginning. Sometimes it kills me to lie to him. Sometimes I look at him and he is looking at me and I know he wants to know. I know he needs to and can handle it and will not turn against me. But I don't. I worry that I will lose him because of that. Because he is Lex Luther. He doesn't trust easily. He is powerful, smart, beautiful. He is generous, cunning, and brave. He has his company and his family issues and is so much bigger than this little town. One day he will leave me here. And I will no longer be a part of his life. Because he will not want me to be.
His father has hurt him. I hate him for it. But I know that I could hurt him as well. That -if I admit what I see in his eyes sometimes- I am already hurting him. If he loves me and I am lying to him I am no different from his father. He wanted and in my case still wants to trust us. And we in our fear and sense of duty are making that impossible. I try to focus on the fun we have together. The moments where he makes me laugh with his witty remarks or sarcastic pomposity. I love him because of those moments. They are when he makes me believe that he could forgive me anything. Because he can be so comfortable with me, in a way he never is with anyone else. He blooms when he is at ease. And he seems to crave that release from all he has to be in the boardroom. I plan to keep helping.
Yeah life is a mystery all right. I can't explain it or myself. But I can't explain Lex either, why he cares for me, and he isn't an alien. My father says he will be my downfall. That Lex will cause me a sudden loss of happiness. That my innocent trust in him will only cause me pain. He doesn't understand that I need that. Not pain, not fear, I read a little farther than my father in the dictionary. I define downfall as a sudden decline in strength or number or importance. I need a place where I can just be me. I can't be perfect –super- all the time and for everybody. Lex understands that. He does not ask me for more than I will freely give. And because of that I don't mind being his savior.