Inuyasha and the Holy Tama
By ArtikGato
This scene is rather long (alone it takes up 155 kilobytes!) so it alone will be in this chapter, okay?
Part Five
K. An Ordeal at Swamp Castle
FADE IN
EXT. A ROOM AT THE TOP OF THE TALLEST TOWER OF A HUGE CASTLE IN THE MIDDLE OF A SWAMP
(MANTEN, dressed in prince's outfit, sits in a CHAIR while HITEN, dressed in an ASSORTMENT OF FURS, appears to yell at MANTEN.)
HITEN
One day, lad, this will all be yours.
(gestures out the window to the swamp)
MANTEN
What, the curtains?
HITEN
No, not the curtains, lad.
All that you can see, stretched out over the
hills and valleys of this land!
This'll be your kingdom, lad, trust me.
MANTEN
But mother-
HITEN
Father, lad. How many times must I tell you?!
MANTEN
I don't want any of that!
HITEN
Listen here. I built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was here was swamp. Other kings said it was silly shit to build a castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em who's boss. ... It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. ... That sank into the swamp, too… So I built a third one. It burned down, fell over, and then it sank into the swamp. But the fourth one…stayed up! And that's what you're gonna get, lad: the strongest castle in these parts!
MANTEN
But, you see, I don't want any of that!
I'd rather... I'd rather...
HITEN
You'd rather what?
MANTEN
I'd rather...sing!
Music starts playing in the background.
HITEN
Stop that! Stop that!
The music abruptly stops.
You're not going to sing at all while I'm around!
Now, you're going to get married to a girl whose
father has the biggest tracts of open
land for miles around!
MANTEN
But why would I want land?
HITEN
Listen, Hubert-
MANTEN
It's Herbert.
HITEN
Yeah, whatever. We live in a bloody SWAMP!
We need all the land we can get!
HERBERT
But I don't like her!
HITEN
Why wouldn't you like her?
She's rich, she's beautiful, she's got huge...
(pauses)
...tracts of land...
HERBERT
But the girl I want to marry
has to have a certain...special something!!
Music starts to play.
HITEN
Stop that! Stop that!
The music abruptly stops.
Look, you're marrying Princess Lucky so get used to it!
(storms out of the room)
Guards!!
The SOUL PIPER and the NOH MASK walk up, decked out in ARMOR and FLOWERS and stuff.
HITEN
Make sure the Prince doesn't
leave this room until I come and get him.
NOH MASK
Hic!
SOUL PIPER
Right. Not to leave the
room even if you come and get him.
HITEN
No, no, no. You stay in the
room and make sure he doesn't leave.
SOUL PIPER
And you'll come and get him.
NOH MASK
Hic!
HITEN
Right.
SOUL PIPER
We don't need to do anything,
apart from just stop him entering the room.
HITEN
No, no, leaving the room.
SOUL PIPER
Leaving the room. Yes.
NOH MASK
Hic!
HITEN
All right.
SOUL PIPER
Right.
NOH MASK
Hic!
HITEN
Right.
SOUL PIPER
Oh, by the way...
HITEN
Yes, what is it?
SOUL PIPER
Oh...if...if I...I...oh...
NOH MASK
Hic!
HITEN
(sighs)
Look, it's quite simple.
You just stay here and make sure
he doesn't leave the room. Got it?
NOH MASK
Hic!
HITEN
I'll take that as a yes.
SOUL PIPER
Oh, I remember now.
Can he leave the room with us?
HITEN
No, no no, you just keep
him in here and make sure he-
SOUL PIPER
No, what I mean is if he
HAD to leave and we were with him-
NOH MASK
Hic!
HITEN
(frustrated)
No, no no no no!
Just keep him in here-
SOUL PIPER
Until you, or anyone else-
NOH MASK
Hic!
HITEN
No, not anyone else, just me.
SOUL PIPER
Just you.
HITEN
Until I get back.
SOUL PIPER
Until you get back
NOH MASK
Hic!
HITEN
All right?
SOUL PIPER
Right. We'll just stay here until you get back.
HITEN
Yes, but make sure he doesn't leave.
SOUL PIPER
What?
NOH MASK
Hic!
HITEN
Make sure he doesn't leave!
SOUL PIPER
Who, the Prince?
HITEN
(annoyed)
Yes. Make sure he doesn't leave. At all.
SOUL PIPER
Oh yes, of course. See, I thought you meant him.
(points at the NOH MASK)
You know, it seemed a bit stupid for
me to guard him when he's a guard himself.
NOH MASK
Hic!
HITEN
(twitching eyebrow)
I see. Is that CLEAR?
SOUL PIPER
Crystal. No problems. None at all.
HITEN
Good.
(begins to walk away. The guards try to follow him)
HITEN
What the hell?!
SOUL PIPER
We're coming with you!
HITEN
NO!! JUST STAY HERE AND
MAKE SURE HE DOESN'T LEAVE? GOT IT?!
SOUL PIPER
Um...yes.
NOH MASK
Hic!
HERBERT
But father!!
HITEN
Oh, be quiet and get that suit on!
And NO SINGING!!
NOH MASK
Hic!
HITEN
Oh, go and get a glass of water or something!
(leaves)
HERBERT
Ho hum.
(spots a piece of paper and a pen)
(moves slowly toward it)
(looks at the guards)
GUARDS
^_____^
HERBERT
(watches the guards and quickly writes something down on the paper)
GUARDS
^_____^
HERBERT
(slowly moves towards a bow and arrow, ties note to arrow, shoots it out window)
GUARDS
^_____^
HERBERT
Wow, that was easy.
(Meanwhile, just outside of SWAMP CASTLE, SIR SESSHOMARU is walking along conversing with his companion JAKEN)
JAKEN
Lord Sesshomaru, why are
we walking through a swamp?
SESSHOMARU
Because I sense danger this way!
JAKEN
All right, but-
(is suddenly struck in the chest by an arrow)
Aigh!! Message for you, Sire!
(JAKEN faints)
SESSHOMARU
(takes the note and lets Jaken drop to the ground, presumably dead)
(reads)
"To whoever finds this note: my father, who wishes me to marry against my will, has imprisoned me. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in the tallest tower of Swamp Castle. You know, the one that's slowly sinking into the swamp."
(crumples the note and unsheathes his sword)
Finally!! A cry of distress!!
This could be the exact sign that leads us to the Holy Tama!
Sweet, sweet Jaken, your death shall not have been in vain!
JAKEN
(wakes up)
Umm...I'm afraid I'm not dead yet, Sire!
SESSHOMARU
(curses under his breath)
Well...then your near mortal wounding
shall not have been in vain!
JAKEN
I think I might pull through,
Lord Sesshomaru!
SESSHOMARU
Whatever. Your accident
will not be in vain!
JAKEN
I think I might be well enough to
go with you, sire!
SESSHOMARU
No no no! Dear Jaken!
You stay here and I will send help as soon
as I have accomplished a daring and herioc
rescue in my own...umm..
JAKEN
Idiom?
SESSHOMARU
Idiom! Right! I'll come back as
soon as possible!
JAKEN
Whatever.
Sesshomaru rides off.
Hm. What can I do until he gets back?
(Meanwhile, inside the castle, Kikyo converses with a bunch of the Harem girls from the Castle Cholera)
(Outside of the castle gates, two guards decked out in flowers instead of armor greet guests. They see Sir Sesshomaru running toward them, but he doesn't seem to be making any head way. Suddenly, he bursts onto the scene, destroying the guards with his energy whip.)
SESSHOMARU
Right.
(runs into the castle and dashes through the crowd, beheading random people. He soon reaches the room that Herbert is in)
SOUL PIPER
Hey, you can't come in-
SESSHOMARU
Shaddup!
(kills him and the NOH MASK with his ENERGY WHIP)
(runs and KNEELS at the FEET of HERBERT)
HERBERT
You came to rescue me!
(SESSHOMARU jumps up, suprized)
SESSHOMARU
Umm...you?
HERBERT
Yes! You got my note!
SESSHOMARU
Well, I did get a note, but-
HERBERT
What is your name, great rescuer?
SESSHOMARU
Er...Sir Sesshomaru, the brave and
almightily good looking, of the Round Table.
HERBERT
(gasps)
Saved by a Knight of the Round Table!
HITEN bursts into the ROOM.
HITEN
There you are! I've been looking
all over for you, you barbarian!
SESSHOMARU
What?
HITEN
You killed all the guards! Fifty-four guests!
You even kicked the bride in the chest!
SESSHOMARU
I did NOT kick ANYONE!
HITEN
Well...someone did. But that's not the point!
You killed all the guards!!
They aren't CHEAP to replace!
SESSHOMARU
Sorry...I guess I got a little overzealous...
HITEN
A LITTLE?
SESSHOMARU
Okay...a bit.
HERBERT
(gathers up a rope and ties it to his bed)
Come on Sir Knight! Let's escape!!
(lowers himself out of the window)
HITEN
Knight, eh? Who are you?
SESSHOMARU
Sir Sesshomaru, the brave and
almightily good looking, of the Round Table.
HERBERT
Come on, you can take him on!
HITEN
(thinks)
How did you happen upon this castle?
HERBERT
(tugs on the rope)
Come on!
SESSHOMARU
Well, you see, I got a note
from your son and I thought he was a lady...
HITEN
I don't blame you. Sometimes I do that myself.
HERBERT
Hurry!!
HITEN
Excuse me for a second.
(cuts the rope with a knife)
HERBERT
Ooooh...
HITEN
Come on now, let's go have some
tea and I'll introduce you to the guests.
HITEN and SESSHOMARU leave the ROOM and go DOWNSTAIRS.
GUESTS
(sobbing in sorrow)
HITEN
(coming down the stairs with Sesshomaru behind him)
I'm pleased to announce that
Sir Sesshomaru the Brave of Camelot is h-
GUESTS
THAT'S HIM!!!
HITEN
Eh?
GUESTS
THAT'S THE GUY!
HITEN
What are you talking about?
RANDOM GUEST #7
He killed my Auntie!
SESSHOMARU
I think I only killed men.
Did your Auntie happen to have a beard?
RANDOM GUEST #7
HOW DARE YOU!!
HITEN
Please, please!! This is supposed to be a
HAPPY occasion! We are here to celebrate the union
of two young lovebirds in holy matrimony!
(awkward silence)
Unfortunately, one of them, my son Hubert...
or was it Herbert? Anyway, he died just now...
KIKYO
(bursts into tears)
EVERYONE ELSE
(sweatdrops)
HITEN
But, I would not like to think of this tragic
event as the loss of a son so much as the
gaining of a daughter! Since the tragic death of her dear father-
RANDOM GUEST
(attending to her father)
He's alive!!
HITEN
(annoyed)
Er, since the near fatal wounding of her father-
RANDOM GUEST
I think he might pull through!
HITEN
(motions at one of his remaining guards, who makes his way toward the father, sword drawn)
Since her father, who seem that he
would pull through but was suddenly, tragically
struck by the icy hand of death, died...
The guard kills the father.
GUESTS
(sob and shriek)
HITEN
...I would like for the Princess to think
of me as her own dad in a very real...
and legally binding sense.
GUESTS
(murmur suspiciously)
HITEN
And thus, with the marriage of the Princess
and this brave, rich, brave knight-
SESSHOMARU
WHAT?!
Suddenly, HERBERT appears in the DOORWAY looking a little BRUISED but otherwise FINE.
HERBERT
I'm NOT dead!!
KIKYO
(runs up and glomps him)
THANK GOD!!
SESSHOMARU
(looks relieved)
Thank God...I don't have to marry that skank!
HITEN
ARGH!!! NO!!! HOW THE HELL DID YOU SURVIVE?
YOU FELL OUT OF THE BLOODY TALL TOWER!!!
HERBERT
At the last second, I was saved!!
HITEN
How?
HERBERT
I'll tell you!
MUSIC plays and HERBERT jumps onto a TABLE.
HITEN
Nonononono!! Not THAT way!
GUESTS
(singing)
He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
HITEN
NOOOOOOOOO!!!
(clamps his HANDS over his EARS)
JAKEN arrives suddenly.
SESSHOMARU
Jaken!! You are alive! God be praised!
JAKEN
Lord Sesshomaru, I think we should leave!
SESSHOMARU
Right! But first I must carry out a bold and
dangerous escape in my own...umm...
JAKEN
Style?
SESSHOMARU
Yes! Brilliant! In my own style!
(grabs onto a rope nearby and swings over the guests, only to hit a wall and swing back)
Umm...could someone give me a push?