Inuyasha and the Holy Tama
By ArtikGato
Part Six
L. The Knights Who Until Now Said Nnniii!
M. The Holy Hand Grenade!
FADE IN
EXT. AN OLD RENAISSANCE STYLE VILLAGE
AUDIENCE
You'd think that they would use some other scenery...
(INUYASHA, KAGOME, SHIPPO and SANGO are searching a village for a SHRUBBERY. An OLD WOMAN who is BEATING A CAT AGAINST THE SIDE OF HER BUILDING attracts their ATTENTION.)
INUYASHA
Excuse me, old woman...
KAEDE-BABA
What do you want?
(whacks the CAT against the BUILDING a few more TIMES)
CAT
MROWR!! MROWR!! MROWR!!
KAGOME
Umm...could you stop that?
KAEDE-BABA
Oh, fine!
(stops and lets the CAT crawl to SAFETY)
INUYASHA
Would you happen to know where
we could find a shrubbery?
KAEDE-BABA
(gasps)
Who sent you?!
SANGO
The Knights Who Say...Nnniii!
KAEDE-BABA
No! No! Not the Knights Who Say Nnniii!
SANGO
The same.
INUYASHA
Now would you be so kind as to tell us
where we can find a shrubbery?
KAEDE-BABA
No! Never! No shrubbery!
INUYASHA
Fine then...nnniii!
KAEDE-BABA
Augh!! No!! NO SHRUBBERY I TELL YOU!!
SHIPPO AND KAGOME
Nnniii! Nnniii!
INUYASHA
Nnniii!
SANGO
Nnnnuuu!
INUYASHA
No no, it's 'Nnniii' not 'Nnnuu'.
SANGO
Oh. Nnniii!
SHIPPO AND KAGOME
Nnniii! Nnniii!
INUYASHA
Nnniii!
KAEDE-BABA
Augh!! Stop please!!
INUYASHA
Then tell us where we can
find a bloody shrubbery!
KAEDE-BABA
NEVER!!
SHIPPO AND KAGOME
Nnniii! Nnniii!
INUYASHA
Nnniii!
HACHI, dragging a CART CONVENIENTLY FULL OF SHRUBBERIES, enters.
HACHI
Are you saying 'Nnniii' to that old woman?
SHIPPO
Why yes we are!
HACHI
Such dark and dismal times we live in,
that a bunch of random people can say 'Nnniii'
to an old woman at will!! Nothing is sacred,
not even the art of shrubbery making...
INUYASHA
I'm sorry, did you say 'shrubbery making'?
HACHI
Why yes I did! Shrubberies are my trade.
I am a shrubber.
My name is Hachi the Shrubber.
Shrubbering is my hobby.
I arrange and design shrubberies.
SANGO
NNNIII!!
INUYASHA
No! No!
A while later, back in the FOREST with the KNIGHTS WHO SAY NNNIII...
INUYASHA
Oh Knights Who Say Nnniii,
we have brought you your shrubbery!
TALL KNIGHT
(looks over the shrubbery)
It is a nice one, inexpensive but still stylish.
I especially like the lavendar.
But there is one problem!
INUYASHA
(sighs)
What's that?
TALL KNIGHT
We are no longer the Knights Who Say Nnniii.
We are now the Knights Who Say...
Eecky eecky eecky eecky b kang zoop boing blahfrodeman.
INUYASHA
Eh?
RANDOM KNIGHT
NNNIII!!
TALL KNIGHT
Shut up! Now then, you'll have to
pass a test to get past us.
INUYASHA
Oh Knights Who...until now said Nnniii,
what is this test?
TALL KNIGHT
You must find...
ANOTHER SHRUBBERY!!
INUYASHA, KAGOME, SHIPPO AND SANGO
(groan)
NOT AGAIN!!
TALL KNIGHT
Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you
must bring it here and place it beside this one,
only slightly higher so you get that cool two-level
effect with a little path running down the middle.
And then you must cut down the MIGHTIEST tree in the forest ...
with...
A HERRING!!!
KAGOME, AND SHIPPO
WHAT?!
INUYASHA
You're a raving lunatic!
SANGO
Preposterous!! It can't be done!
TALL KNIGHT
Yes it can!
SANGO
No it can't! You can't cut PAPER with a
HERRING, much less a FREAKIN' HUGE TREE!!
IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!
TALL KNIGHT
Okay...maybe it IS impossible!
But YOU still have to do it!
INUYASHA
Well, why do we have to do it?!
TALL KNIGHT
(seems to be injured and holds his head)
Don't ... say ... that ... that WORD!!
INUYASHA
What? What word is it?
TALL KNIGHT
ARGH!! Stop saying that word!!
INUYASHA
Tell me what it is, then!
TALL KNIGHT
No, I can't say the word!
INUYASHA
How will I know not to say it
if you won't tell me what it is?!
TALL KNIGHT
STOP IT!! STOP IT FOR GOD'S SAKE!!
INUYASHA
What "is"?
TALL KNIGHT
How many people can get
through life not saying 'is'?
INUYASHA
Not many, I suppose.
KAGOME
Hey look! It's Sir Kouga!!
SIR KOUGA comes TROTTING UP to our HEROES and the KNIGHTS WHO USED TO SAY NNNIII.
INUYASHA
Sir Kouga! Hello!
What are you doing around these parts?
MINSTREL
Sir Kouga ran away!! He bravely ran away! There was a giant three headed beast and he could of slain it and had a feast, but in stead he turned his tail and fled! Brave brave Sir Kouga!
KOUGA
(hits the MINSTREL on the HEAD)
WILL YOU SHUT UP?!
INUYASHA
Have you had any luck in
finding the Holy Tama?
KOUGA
None at all, my leige.
I am deeply sorry that I couldn't find it.
KNIGHTS WHO SAY NNNIII
ARGH!! STOP SAYING
THE WORD YOU BUGGERS!
KOUGA
What? Who are these clowns?
INUYASHA
It's a long story...
I don't have time to tell it...
KNIGHTS WHO SAY NNNIII
AUGH!!
INUYASHA
Let's get going. I think I have
a vague idea where the Tama is.
KAGOME, SANGO AND SHIPPO
IT IT IT IT IT IT IT IT IT IT
IT IT IT IT IT IT IT IT IT IT IT IT IT IT!!!!!!!!!
KNIGHTS WHO SAY NNNIII
ARGH!!!
(they die)
INUYASHA
Wait, if the word was 'it'... what the heck?
They must have used that word
fifteen million times before? Oh well...
They LEAVE.
The GHOST OF THE TALL KNIGHT appears RANDOMLY.
GHOST OF THE TALL KNIGHT
I'll get them for this!!
Oh... stupid weakness to that WORD!!
I couldn't do anything to stop it!! AUGH!!
I SAID IT!! AGH!! I SAID IT AGAIN!!! AIEEEEE!!!
NARRATOR
And so, the six set off to find the Holy Tama. Beyond the forest they met
Sir Sesshomaru and Sir Miroku, and there was much rejoicing. They treked off across the land, and somehow found themselves in the frozen land of Nador. Caught in a snowdrift, they were forced to eat Kouga's minstrel. And there was much rejoicing. Winter's icy grip finally relaxed, and the snows melted as Spring came along. The troupe set off in search of the enchanter that Kikyo had spoken of in scene Twenty-Four. They walked and walked and walked...and then just for fun, they WALKED SOME MORE!! Spring changed into Summer, and Summer changed into Winter. Winter gave Spring and Summer a miss and went straight into Autumn. Until one day...
FADE IN
EXT. A ROCKY CANYON-ESQUE LAND
AUDIENCE
Yay! New scenery!
(INUYASHA, KAGOME, SHIPPO, SANGO, SESSHOMARU, MIROKU, KOUGA, JAKEN, and THEIR HORSE-PEOPLE WITH COCONUTS ride through a rocky areas, when suddenly they see an ENCHANTER standing on A MOUNTAIN and making various EXPLOSIONS form all around. The ENCHANTER blows more STUFF up for FUN, and then he BLOWS HIMSELF UP and appears in front of THE TROUPE)
INUYASHA
Ummm...do you know an
enchanter that lives around here?
NARAKU
I am the enchanter. Why?
INUYASHA
(sighs)
I should have known... all right, are you
Naraku, Dennis or Jean-Claude?
NARAKU
What in the world are you talking about?
I am Tim the Enchanter.
EVERYONE
Hello Tim the Enchanter!!
TIM
Lively bunch you've got there...
anyway, hello to you too, King Inuyasha!
INUYASHA
Wow, how did you know my name?
TIM
I know much that is hidden...
and I looked at the script.
INUYASHA
Ah...
TIM
You and your companions
seek the Holy Grail, correct?
INUYASHA
No no, we seek the Holy Tama.
TIM
Are you SURE it's not the Holy Grail?
INUYASHA
No, I'm pretty sure it's the Tama.
We already discussed this with God.
The title of this thing is 'Inuyasha and the Holy Tama'.
TIM
Whatever. Anyway, I can help you find this Tama.
I know where it is!
INUYASHA
Would you happen to have a map?
TIM
No, you'll just have to follow me!!
There is a cave, a cave of wonders!
It contains treasures beyond your wildest dreams!!
A large CAMEL drops from the SKY and lands on TIM's HEAD. He MAGICALLY reappears BESIDE THE CAMEL and NO ONE IS HURT.
CAMEL
This ain't Aladdin, so stick to the script!!
TIM
Okay! Okay!
EVERYONE ELSE
(looking clueless)
SANGO
A camel this time?
TIM
Watch more Disney.
With those words, the CAMEL vanishes into THIN AIR.
INUYASHA
So anyway, about this cave...
TIM
Oh yeah!! It is the cave of Caerbannorg,
which no man has ever entered alive!!
Inside the cave there are ancient and mystic runes
carved upon the living rock-
INUYASHA
Umm, if no man has ever entered alive,
then why do you know?
TIM
I AM AN ENCHANTER!! DUH!!
INUYASHA
Okay! Okay! Don't have a hissy fit!
TIM
(clears his throat)
As I was saying, there, the last words of
Joseph of Arimethea make plain the last
resting place of the most holy Tama.
INUYASHA
Okey dokey then! Let's go!
TIM
But first, I must warn you! The Cave of Caerbannorg is guarded by a vicious beast! It has collected the bones of almost fifty men! So, if you are not men... and women of valor then come no further!! For DEATH awaits you at the entrance to the Cave of Caerbannorg with cute little hands and small, sharp, pointy teeth!
EVERYONE
(sweatdrop)
Okaaaaay...
(Later, TIM, INUYASHA, KAGOME, SHIPPO, SANGO, SESSHOMARU, MIROKU, KOUGA, JAKEN and THEIR HORSE-PEOPLES are walking toward the cave on the other side of some ROCKS.)
HORSE-PEOPLES
NEIGH!! NEIGH!!
INUYASHA
They're spooked... I guess we have
leave them here and go on foot. DISMOUNT!
Everyone pretends to dismount a horse.
They soon reach the cave.
TIM
THAT is the Cave of Caerbannorg!
KOUGA
That must be why that sign says
'Welcome to the Cave of Caerbannorg', right?
TIM
SHUT UP!!
(gasps and points)
THE BEAST!!!
(cowers behind Inuyasha)
EVERYONE looks to see a little girl with BLACK HAIR and an ORANGE LIKE KIMONO sitting outside of the cave playing some sort of WEIRD GAME.
SESSHOMARU
Oh my goodness!!
That little girl will be eaten by the beast!!
TIM
(stops him from going out there)
No no no!! It IS the beast!
INUYASHA
What, the girl?
KAGOME
Are you sure?
TIM
Yes!! She is the foulest, meanest,
most evil, most ANNOYING little girl
you've ever set your eyes on!
RIN looks over at them CUTELY and they all go 'AWWWW!!'
KOUGA
Geez! You got us all worked up
over a kawaii little girl? Good grief!!
TIM
No no no! You've got it all wrong!!
That girl has a vicious streak a mile wide!
INUYASHA
Come on guys, let's go into the cave!
TIM
I'm warning you!
INUYASHA
Geez! All right, if you're so SCARED of a LITTLE GIRL,
then why don't we let Bors go talk to her?
A WOLF DEMON, aka BORS, runs out and approaches RIN.
RIN
Hello there!
BORS
Are you guarding this cave?
RIN
Why?
BORS
Because I want to know!
RIN
Why?
BORS
Because my friends want to know!
RIN
Why?
BORS
Because we want to go in the cave.
RIN
Why?
BORS
Because we want to find the Holy Tama.
RIN
Why?
BORS
Because we're on a quest to find the Holy Tama.
RIN
Why?
BORS
Because God told us to.
RIN
Why?
BORS
I don't know. Go ask him yourself.
(irritated)
RIN
Why?
BORS
(eyebrow twitching)
Because YOU are asking!!
RIN
Why?
BORS
ARGH!!
(he explodes)
EVERYONE cringes.
TIM
I told you!! I told you!!
INUYASHA
Oh, shut up! Let's go! CHARGE!!
INUYASHA and all the KNIGHTS charge at RIN. RIN smiles and starts singing.
RIN
THIS IS THE SONG THAT NEVER ENDS!!
YES IT GOES ON AND ON MY FRIENDS!!
INUYASHA
RUN AWAY!!
THE OTHER KNIGHTS
RUN AWAY!!
ECTOR and GAWAIN, two KNIGHTS that were UNIMPORTANT anyway, EXPLODE from the incredibly ANNOYING song.
INUYASHA
Right, how many did we lose?
MIROKU
Five sir. Bors, Ector and Gawain.
INUYASHA
That's three, you idiot!
SANGO
Well, now what?
We probably shouldn't risk another frontal attack..
KOUGA
Maybe it would get confused if we ran away?
INUYASHA
No.
SESSHOMARU
Why don't we taunt it?
INUYASHA
No. I know! Do we have any
weapons of mass destruction?
SANGO
Just the Holy Hand Grenade.
INUYASHA
Of course!! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch!
Brother Maynard, bring the Holy Hand Grenade!
On the CLIFF above, NARAKU, in BROWN ROBES, nods, and picks up a RATHER LARGE TRUNK. Two MONKS march behind him and CHANT.
MONKS
Eee yay yeesu do ne ven..
(they knock themselves in the head with boards they are carrying)
Doh nai eeh yes requiem!
(they hit themselves in the head with the boards again, and repeat this cycle until BROTHER MAYNARD reaches the BOTTOM OF THE HILL)
BROTHER MAYNARD
I present to you...the Holy Hand Grenade!
(opens the trunk and reveals a large golden egg with a cross on it)
INUYASHA
Why do we always seem to run into you?
BROTHER MAYNARD (NARAKU)
I don't know what you're talking about.
INUYASHA
(shrugs, and takes the Holy Hand Grenade)
Umm...how do you use it?
EVERYONE
(facefaults)
BROTHER MAYNARD
(points to one of the monks, who reaches into his brown robes and produces an old, dusty book)
Read the passage, if you would please.
MONK
(reads)
"Joe threw Sally onto the bed and then passionately kissed her, while ripping the clothes off of her and-"
BROTHER MAYNARD
OUT OF THE BOOK OF ARMAMENTS!!!
MONK
(blushes, and gets ANOTHER book out of his robes)
"And Saint Antioch raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu-"
BROTHER MAYNARD
Er, you can skip some of it.
MONK
(clears his throat)
"And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it." Amen.
EVERYONE
Amen.
INUYASHA
Now then...
(takes the Holy Hand Grenade from Brother Maynard, and pulls out the pin)
One, two, five!
SANGO
Three sir!
INUYASHA
Three!
(chucks the Holy Hand Grenade at Rin, who picks it up, curious)
BOOOM!
Rin explodes.
INUYASHA
Well, that takes care of that.
SESSHOMARU
DIE YOU BASTARD!!
(attempts to kill INUYASHA, only to have SANGO AND MIROKU restrain him)
INUYASHA
What?! I got her out of the way!
SESSHOMARU
She was just an INNOCENT CHILD!!
You didn't have to BLOW HER UP!
SANGO
LET'S JUST GO IN THE CAVE ALREADY!!!
EVERYONE
Okay, okay.
Everyone but TIM goes into the cave, ignoring the HEAVY BREATHING that sounds a lot like DARTH VADER coming from somewhere INSIDE THE CAVE.
SHIPPO
Hey!! Look look look!
(they all turn to look to see SHIPPO pointing at some SCRATCHES on the WALL. They appear to be LETTERS)
INUYASHA
GOOD WORK PATSY!!
SHIPPO
(annoyed)
MY NAME IS SHIPPO!!!
Meanwhile, everyone else is examining the scratches
KOUGA
What's that?
SESSHOMARU
That's the runes, you idiot!
KOUGA
Oh.
KAGOME
What language is it?
BROTHER MAYNARD
I think it's Aramaic!
SANGO
Of course! Joseph of Arimathea!
MIROKU
What does it say?
BROTHER MAYNARD
(reads)
"I'm growing ill, and I think I know why. A few weeks ago, I took rest at a castle named 'Cholera', and the women hosts there tempted me. They must have given me Cholera! Oh woe is me!"
MIROKU
(glups nervously)
SANGO
Umm...what about the HOLY TAMA?!
BROTHER MAYNARD
I was getting to that!
(reads)
"Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Arimathea. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Tama in the Castle of Auggghhhh...
SESSHOMARU
The Castle of Augh?
BROTHER MAYNARD
That's what is says! "Augghh". Hm.
He must have died while writing it.
SANGO
If he was dieing he wouldn't bother to write out
'Augh', he would have said it and left a scratch
mark across the wall or something as he died!
MIROKU
Maybe he was dictating?
SANGO
Shut up, that doesn't matter!
MIROKU
(goes to a dark corner of the cave and cries)
MAYNARD
There is a castle in Argentina. Maybe he meant that?
SANGO
Yeah right.
SHIPPO
There's always the Castle of Aaaahves.
SESSHOMARU
That's 'Ives' you idiot!
KAGOME
Aaaauughh.
INUYASHA
Auggghh?
KOUGA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
SESSHOMARU
No, it's 'Augggh', from the back of the throat.
KOUGA
No, I mean 'AAAAHHHH!' in surprise and alarm!
INUYASHA
You mean like 'AHHHHHHHHH!', right?
KOUGA
Yeah. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Everyone turns to look and a huge six-foot-tall Jaken is standing there.
EVERYONE
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
BROTHER MAYNARD
Oh no! It's the dreaded Legendary Black Beast of-
AAAUUUUUUGGGGGHHHH!!!
The Legendary Black Beast eats Brother Maynard with a gross crunching sound.
INUYASHA
RUN AWAY!!
EVERYONE
RUN AWAY!!
(they run)
NARRATOR
And so, our heroes ran from the Legendary Black Beast. All hope seemed lost, until the animator was suddenly struck with a fatal heart attack-
(the ANIMATOR, aka NARAKU, suddenly falls BACKWARDS stiffly)
NARRATOR
-and died. The Black monstrosity was no more, and the quest for the Holy Tama could continue.
INUYASHA
Phew...