Everything is wrong again. It is one thing after another, and I can't stand it. I can't stand anymore pain or confusion. This year has been well…hell…for lack of a better word. And your stare following me wherever I go is not helping matters.
Oh don't think I don't notice, your soft brown eyes upon me as I sit here in the midst of all these happy people, my hand resting on top of Katie's. I know you notice, and I know that it disturbs you. I am not really that stupid you know, despite what you may think…
You think that I am weak because I have no self-confidence. And I will be the first to admit that you are partially right. Sometimes I get so frustrated I want to just rip myself into shreds, despite the fact that it probably won't make me feel any better. If only you could understand the real reason…if only anyone could…
I smile at Katie, who was now talking avidly to Fred and George. If it weren't for her…but I wish it was you…
I grit my teeth and try not to look at you. You who are ever present in my dreams, you who I want to kiss senseless, you who's initials I carved into my bed when I was little that caused my father to hit me until my ribs cracked.
I wince at the memory and Katie turns to look at me questioningly. I give her a halfhearted smile telling her that I was fine and then return to my thoughts.
Oh you really believed that my own hand made all my scars. Oh I wish you would give me more credit that that. I wish that you could see something other than the person that you found last year in the shower dripping in her own blood. I wish that you were brave enough to comfort me, like she is trying to do. But it is so hard to open to. She is not you. I don't know why it is you I need, all I know is I do. Will you please just stop staring at me? It is making me frustrated…knowing that I need you but I can never have you because all you do is stare at me. I feel an itch on the inside of my wrist and resist the temptation to rip my skin open with my fingernail. Damn I was doing so good resisting too…
Then I spotted someone to vent all my pent up feelings on. Potter.
"Potter!" I shout causing him to turn around. I noticed that he was fairly pale and he was clutching the back of his hand. "Did you manage to get out of detention on Friday?" I ask coolly, flicking my braid behind my head, your eyes following my every movement.
"Nah," he replied quietly, "Umbridge..."
"I told you I wanted the whole team there!" I growl, in a voice quite unlike my own. "I told you I wanted to see how the new keeper fits in with the whole team, and…"
"Angelina..." said Katie quietly, now standing by my side and I heave a sigh.
"Fine, just don't land yourself in any more detentions Potter," I said and as he moved away I noticed that on the back of his hand etched into his skin were the words I will not tell lies. The brief thought about how that had happened was replaced by the strong urge to do the same.
I quietly make excuses to Katie, telling her that I am tired. Ecstatic that she doesn't protest, I practically run for the stares, not caring who is watching. All I want to do is carve the words that I dare not utter to anyone into my flesh…
I wrench open the dormitory door and practically dive onto my desk, letting papers and books fall to the floor. I stand up, panting, my best quill held triumphantly in my hand.
Slowly with a shaking hand I press the tip against the back of my hand, a hollow hiss escaping my lips as I began to carve the first word into my skin. By the time I had finished blood was running down my arm and soaking the sleeve of my robes. I hold my hand up to the window, admiring the way the blood glimmers in the moonlight. Giggling to myself I turn to face the one person I don't want to face right now. You.
"Angelina…" you whisper and my smile turns into a grimace.
"Go!" I shout "Go run off and find Katie, she will deal with me. Go on!"
I feel anger rise in my chest as you just continue to stand in the open door, your brown eyes flitting between my face and my hand, from which blood was beginning to steadily drip onto the floor.
"Why are you just standing there?" I scream. "Why don't you run and find her, I know you want to!"
"No I don't," she whispered, so softly, so gently. "I want to know…I just want to know…who you hate so much that you would want to cut it into yourself?"
I look down at my hand. The words I hate you were still bleeding, but now it wasn't remotely beautiful anymore, it was just reminding me of what I didn't want to think about.
"You, Katie, myself I don't know!" I pause for a moment and then whisper, "My dad," as I fall to the floor, breath coming in short bursts, tears falling into the puddle of blood.
Without saying a word you gather me into your arms and place me into your bed.
"Don't worry," you whisper in my ear, as you climb in next to me, holding me close. "Everything will be ok. I've got you now. Everything will be ok."
And in the midst of all this hell, all this chaos, I found something to believe. And someone to believe in. Someone who believed in me.