Title: Best of Intentions
Author: Luisa
Email: leyjd@hotmail.com
Pairing: B/G and a teeny bit of B/S, X/A
Rating: PG-13 (language)
Distribution: Dword, Kattie. Dee, Gabi and TL, if you want it. Any one
else - just let me know where.
Disclaimer, notes, thanks and dedications as per the prologue
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~ Part 4 ~
"Being a superhero pays off at last." Buffy smirked as the door closed behind them and they took in their surroundings. The plush furnishings in the light, airy room confirmed her suspicions that this lounge wasn't for ordinary travellers. She sank into a leather armchair, casually crossing her legs and frowning again as she watched Giles fall into his familiar 3- step pace.
"Giles... please... stop. Talk to me. Tell me why you're doing this."
He paused momentarily, taking in the distraught expression in her eyes despite her relaxed pose, before resuming his pace. After several long moments of deep thinking, he halted again, capturing her gaze with his and speaking softly.
"I've a better idea. Since I've actually already told you why I'm leaving... why don't you tell me why you're so desperate to keep me here."
"I..." she hesitated for a moment, before Anya's words rushed to her mind. ["If he thought you didn't love him... he'd probably prefer to be apart from you than be near you while watching you with other guys.... probably too painful..."] She had to do this, Buffy realised. Giles had to know how she felt, no mater how scary the thought of telling him was. "I love you."
Giles thought his legs would give way beneath him. "You... what?"
"I love you. And that's why you can't go. I know you love me..." his eyebrows raised at her certain statement but he made no move to deny it. "So, now you know I love you back, you don't need to go. You *can't* go."
He fought to stay strong. "I'm sorry, Buffy, but I *can* go... and I *am* going."
"But... what? Why?" A rush of tears welled up in the Slayer's eyes.
"I can't give anymore of myself to you, Buffy, and I know that this is not what you want to hear, but it would be grossly unfair to let you hope for anything more. I just don't think I can do it anymore."
Those large tears now fell freely as Buffy looked through blurry vision at Giles. "Can't do what, Giles? You can't love me? You can't protect me, or save me, or fight with me? What do you mean, you can't do it?"
The sight of her tear-stained face tugged at his heart and alone would usually sway him to stick by his Slayer. [But not this time] In a sad voice, he replied, "I can't do any of it Buffy."
"Why?" The word was torn heart-wrenchingly from her lips, and again his soul ached so much so that he could only wish things were different.
"Because... because there is no room for me in your life. If I were to come back with you, it would be for reasons that are entirely different for those which you need me."
Confusion again adorned Buffy's face as she questioned what he meant. He strove to explain himself. "Buffy, you say that you love me, and I believe you. But I have seen you in relationships, and I don't think you are quite ready for the sort of relationship that ours would become. There is too much hurt, too much fear, and there are many ghosts which have to be laid to rest before our relationship could progress. It's something that I can't do for you - it's your responsibility."
"Okay, I can do that. But why do you have to be in England for me to do it? Why can't you stay here and be my support group - you know, like the AA?"
Giles sighed. "Buffy, we've been through all of this already. The temptation for me to step in would be too great. I wouldn't be able to remain detached if my life depended on it - if your life depended on it. I need to be... unavailable... for lack of a better word. This is something you need to work through alone."
"But why do you think that there's no room for you in my life? That doesn't make sense! Giles, my whole life is yours - it always has been. It would be easier to remove others from my life to make room for you, than to remove you." Buffy interrupted, desperate to keep him here.
"When you look at it logically, it does make sense." He gently chided. "In fact, all you've just said only emphasises my point. Buffy, in all the time I've known you, I've seen how you've depended on people to love you instead of learning to love yourself, be it family, friends or boyfriends. You need to learn how to live with yourself. You need to learn how to stand on your own feet. My presence would only hinder this."
"But why now? Now you know where I've been and how it feels to be back? Giles, I... I need you more now than ever before."
"Especially now, Buffy. I wish you could understand - I wish you would try to see this my way."
"What way?" She was aware that her voice had risen, but she didn't care. Why was Giles doing this to her? "How can you possibly think that your... solution... is going to help anything?"
Giles looked at her silently for long moments, before responding in a voice so quiet Buffy could hardly hear him:
"Because it has to."
"What?" Her voice rose another notch.
"Buffy, I don't have much time. Listen to me." Giles' voice also rose a little, but more with the need for authority than with hysteria, like Buffy's had. He reached out and grasped her hand, desperate to make her understand.
"I love you, Buffy. You are the very centre of my world and I will *always* be here for you... whether I'm by your side or talking to you on the 'phone... but for now, I *have* to leave. We both need space and time so that the healing that is necessary can take place. Most importantly, we need to learn that there is life beyond each other. You need me to be everything you can't: a model to your sister, a counsellor, a mediator, an income and so much more.... but, all I have to offer is myself. I can't live your life for you. For now, you need to work out what you want and where you're going. If ever you need me, all you need to do is call me... any time, night or day. But you *must learn* to survive on your own. This is for your own good, this is to keep you alive."
"But, Giles..."
"No 'buts', Buffy." He released her hands as the last call for his flight was announced and moved to the door in silence. Surprised that his Slayer made no move to stop him, he turned to face her, finding her sitting as still as a statue but for the tears of grief and loss spilling down her front. He wanted to go to her, to stay, but he forced himself to stay put, his hand frozen in place above the door handle. He spoke quietly, his tone begging her to understand.
"Buffy, earlier you told me that I have a choice in the matter of whether I leave or stay. I thought I had a choice when I first came to be your Watcher, but Quentin informed me I didn't. Now, I realise just how right he was. Being a Watcher takes away rights to make decisions for ourselves. We have to make decision for our Slayers... to keep them alive at all costs... our feelings... our needs... come second. I *had* to make this decision to leave. One day, I hope you'll understand. I *don't* have a choice in this... as much as I wish I did. I *do* love you... and I *will* come back for you... and I can only hope that we will be together some day... but not until the time is right. I'm sorry I can't offer any more than that. I'll miss you... every part of my soul will cry out for you every day... but this is for the best. Goodbye, Buffy."
His heart feeling like it would erupt from the pain that seared from it if he stayed just a moment longer convinced him to walk out of that lounge, away from her now wracking sobs and out of Sunnydale... out of her life.
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~ Part 4 ~
"Being a superhero pays off at last." Buffy smirked as the door closed behind them and they took in their surroundings. The plush furnishings in the light, airy room confirmed her suspicions that this lounge wasn't for ordinary travellers. She sank into a leather armchair, casually crossing her legs and frowning again as she watched Giles fall into his familiar 3- step pace.
"Giles... please... stop. Talk to me. Tell me why you're doing this."
He paused momentarily, taking in the distraught expression in her eyes despite her relaxed pose, before resuming his pace. After several long moments of deep thinking, he halted again, capturing her gaze with his and speaking softly.
"I've a better idea. Since I've actually already told you why I'm leaving... why don't you tell me why you're so desperate to keep me here."
"I..." she hesitated for a moment, before Anya's words rushed to her mind. ["If he thought you didn't love him... he'd probably prefer to be apart from you than be near you while watching you with other guys.... probably too painful..."] She had to do this, Buffy realised. Giles had to know how she felt, no mater how scary the thought of telling him was. "I love you."
Giles thought his legs would give way beneath him. "You... what?"
"I love you. And that's why you can't go. I know you love me..." his eyebrows raised at her certain statement but he made no move to deny it. "So, now you know I love you back, you don't need to go. You *can't* go."
He fought to stay strong. "I'm sorry, Buffy, but I *can* go... and I *am* going."
"But... what? Why?" A rush of tears welled up in the Slayer's eyes.
"I can't give anymore of myself to you, Buffy, and I know that this is not what you want to hear, but it would be grossly unfair to let you hope for anything more. I just don't think I can do it anymore."
Those large tears now fell freely as Buffy looked through blurry vision at Giles. "Can't do what, Giles? You can't love me? You can't protect me, or save me, or fight with me? What do you mean, you can't do it?"
The sight of her tear-stained face tugged at his heart and alone would usually sway him to stick by his Slayer. [But not this time] In a sad voice, he replied, "I can't do any of it Buffy."
"Why?" The word was torn heart-wrenchingly from her lips, and again his soul ached so much so that he could only wish things were different.
"Because... because there is no room for me in your life. If I were to come back with you, it would be for reasons that are entirely different for those which you need me."
Confusion again adorned Buffy's face as she questioned what he meant. He strove to explain himself. "Buffy, you say that you love me, and I believe you. But I have seen you in relationships, and I don't think you are quite ready for the sort of relationship that ours would become. There is too much hurt, too much fear, and there are many ghosts which have to be laid to rest before our relationship could progress. It's something that I can't do for you - it's your responsibility."
"Okay, I can do that. But why do you have to be in England for me to do it? Why can't you stay here and be my support group - you know, like the AA?"
Giles sighed. "Buffy, we've been through all of this already. The temptation for me to step in would be too great. I wouldn't be able to remain detached if my life depended on it - if your life depended on it. I need to be... unavailable... for lack of a better word. This is something you need to work through alone."
"But why do you think that there's no room for you in my life? That doesn't make sense! Giles, my whole life is yours - it always has been. It would be easier to remove others from my life to make room for you, than to remove you." Buffy interrupted, desperate to keep him here.
"When you look at it logically, it does make sense." He gently chided. "In fact, all you've just said only emphasises my point. Buffy, in all the time I've known you, I've seen how you've depended on people to love you instead of learning to love yourself, be it family, friends or boyfriends. You need to learn how to live with yourself. You need to learn how to stand on your own feet. My presence would only hinder this."
"But why now? Now you know where I've been and how it feels to be back? Giles, I... I need you more now than ever before."
"Especially now, Buffy. I wish you could understand - I wish you would try to see this my way."
"What way?" She was aware that her voice had risen, but she didn't care. Why was Giles doing this to her? "How can you possibly think that your... solution... is going to help anything?"
Giles looked at her silently for long moments, before responding in a voice so quiet Buffy could hardly hear him:
"Because it has to."
"What?" Her voice rose another notch.
"Buffy, I don't have much time. Listen to me." Giles' voice also rose a little, but more with the need for authority than with hysteria, like Buffy's had. He reached out and grasped her hand, desperate to make her understand.
"I love you, Buffy. You are the very centre of my world and I will *always* be here for you... whether I'm by your side or talking to you on the 'phone... but for now, I *have* to leave. We both need space and time so that the healing that is necessary can take place. Most importantly, we need to learn that there is life beyond each other. You need me to be everything you can't: a model to your sister, a counsellor, a mediator, an income and so much more.... but, all I have to offer is myself. I can't live your life for you. For now, you need to work out what you want and where you're going. If ever you need me, all you need to do is call me... any time, night or day. But you *must learn* to survive on your own. This is for your own good, this is to keep you alive."
"But, Giles..."
"No 'buts', Buffy." He released her hands as the last call for his flight was announced and moved to the door in silence. Surprised that his Slayer made no move to stop him, he turned to face her, finding her sitting as still as a statue but for the tears of grief and loss spilling down her front. He wanted to go to her, to stay, but he forced himself to stay put, his hand frozen in place above the door handle. He spoke quietly, his tone begging her to understand.
"Buffy, earlier you told me that I have a choice in the matter of whether I leave or stay. I thought I had a choice when I first came to be your Watcher, but Quentin informed me I didn't. Now, I realise just how right he was. Being a Watcher takes away rights to make decisions for ourselves. We have to make decision for our Slayers... to keep them alive at all costs... our feelings... our needs... come second. I *had* to make this decision to leave. One day, I hope you'll understand. I *don't* have a choice in this... as much as I wish I did. I *do* love you... and I *will* come back for you... and I can only hope that we will be together some day... but not until the time is right. I'm sorry I can't offer any more than that. I'll miss you... every part of my soul will cry out for you every day... but this is for the best. Goodbye, Buffy."
His heart feeling like it would erupt from the pain that seared from it if he stayed just a moment longer convinced him to walk out of that lounge, away from her now wracking sobs and out of Sunnydale... out of her life.
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