I remember that the darkness was all around; I couldn't see anything with
my eyesight. Reaching out with the Force, I had gathered my bearings and
calmed my nerves. This situation had spiraled out of control as quickly as
it surfaced. I could sense my Padawan's, or should I now say my former
Padawan's, presence. It was the vision Master Yoda had warned me of coming
true, my young Padawan and I were in the middle of lightsaber battle.
From the day I met my Padawan, quite a few years ago, I knew that we were tied together by destiny. Back then, Anakin Skywalker was a harmless little boy that my Master freed from slavery. It's hard to believe that he really turned to the Dark Side and betrayed me, his teacher, mentor, friend and the list goes on, but most importantly, I was his Jedi Master.
I often wondered if I was doing a good enough job at teaching the Chosen One, regardless of the promise I made on Naboo I believe that there was another Jedi Master better qualified for the task. But I gave my Master my word to train Anakin and then listened to him take his last breath. *Sigh, my Master's last spoken words were of a boy that he's known for only a few days, instead of a few words for his lone Padawan. But I mustn't let jealousy get in the way of my promise, or duty as a Jedi.
It's hard to find the exact point in time where things started to go wrong. I'm willing to bet that it was during some of the first days we were Master and Padawan. Things were not going as I had hoped, and I don't think Anakin wanted that event to happen either.
***
"But Master! I can't concentrate, and if you ask me, meditation is a waste of time." Anakin Skywalker and all of his eleven years were standing in front of me, trying once again to find a way out of daily exercises. A resourceful boy but he needed to work on his negotiation skills.
'I never gave my Master trouble like this, at least, not that I can remember.' I thought to myself. I looked into his pale blue eyes, and by the way he was avoiding my gaze I could tell his attempts were futile. I only hope my nervousness didn't show on the outside.
I leaned forward before speaking in a soft neutral tone, "Anakin, meditation is a way to calm your feelings, and clear your mind to find an inner peace. Without it, a Jedi cannot use the Force to the full potential." I paused to gauge his reaction. Neutral. "It's also a way to help strengthen the necessary bond between a Master and his Padawan."
Anakin's gaze finally met my own, and I smiled softly down at the child I was responsible for. But again, he remained neutral, weighing his options between saying one thing and another. Without that bond yet, I could only guess at what was going on inside his thoughts.
"A bond is useless if the Padawan doesn't trust his Master." He said, narrowing his eyes at me.
That took me off guard, severely so. I found myself thinking, 'What would Master Qui-Gon say to this? He would offer to help in the meditation process, so that's what I'll do.' I knelt down to his height and put my hand on his shoulder and spoke softly.
"How about if I help you with your meditation, we can take it one step at a time until you're comfortable on your own." I tried my hardest to remain as friendly as humanly possible, though I could feel the frustration venting from the boy.
Despite my efforts, he pulled away from me. "Help me? I bet you're offering to help me only to see me fail."
"That's not true, I only want to help you attune your skills, those skills will help you grow as a Jedi." I don't know where that line came from, but it sounded good.
"I don't want your help." Anakin said, taking another step backwards, "I'll do it on my own, or not at all." Without another word, he turned and retreated into his quarters.
'That didn't go as well as I had hoped.' I thought taking a deep breath.
I reached out with the Force, both calming my nerves, and making me aware of just how deep my young Padawan's frustrations actually ran. It would take quite a bit of time and patience to ease those frustrations, while earning his trust in the process.
***
Anakin did apologize later that day, and when he smiled up at me for that first time since the events on Naboo, I could tell that we were on the right path. Time and patience it took to get us both here, but that time had run out, and I found myself at the wrong end of Anakin's lightsaber. He was teetering on the edge of the Dark Side, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
I had already tried everything in my power to stop my Padawan's descent into Darkness, but the attempts failed again and again. I feared for him. I failed him as a teacher, a mentor and his Jedi Master. The look of anger he gave me during that battle has been burned into my memory, and continues to shake me in my sleep.
And yet, in some bizarre twist of destiny, this seems almost familiar; a Jedi Master having such a strong bond with his Padawan Learner to call him a son, and then losing that son. Yes, that is very familiar indeed.
Xanatos. My Master's second Learner, yet despite my own dealings with him, I couldn't truly understand what Master Qui-Gon went through with him. I understand now, with a painful reality do I understand; and as with most of life's lessons, this was learned a bit too late.
I remember during my years in training how I would be compared to, albeit unconsciously, to Xanatos. I couldn't figure out how my Master could still think so fondly of someone who betrayed him in such a way. I remember the frustration of living in the shadow of someone who hurt my Master.
***
I turned off my lightsaber and could my Master's being shut down as well, I looked up at him, searching for some form of praise. My smile slowly faded as he approached where I was standing, his expression was not what I was hoping for.
"You left yourself open for attack more times than I took advantage of. You need to work on that." He plainly stated and then handed me a towel.
I didn't say anything to him, I was in shock at what I had just heard, and what I was hearing through our bond. Apparently, he had momentarily forgotten to put up his mental shields.
'Xanatos didn't leave himself open like that, am I teaching something wrong to Obi-Wan that Xanatos got right? Obi-Wan's not catching on quickly as he did.'
'Not catching on as quickly as he did?!' I thought to myself. I didn't know what to think when I heard my Master speak those words. I closed my eyes as those thoughts sunk in, then without warning, Bruck's words of my uselessness rose in my thoughts. I hung my head slightly and followed my Master out of the gym area.
The walk back to the apartment was longer than I remember, and the silence wasn't helping; and the silence didn't stop there, we hardly spoke more than a few words at a time to each other. The silence during the evening meal was deafening, annoying and frustrating all at the same time.
'I can't take this anymore, I have to say something.' I thought to myself.
"So, what did you really of our lightsaber practice?" I asked.
He looked up at me and then back down, "I already told you what I thought."
"Right, you did." I tried not despair but I failed at that too. And Master could sense it.
"Were you expecting something else?"
'Just something positive,' I though behind my mental shields. I weighed my options for replies, and chose the risky path. "I heard what you were thinking afterward." I paused; gauging his reaction, there wasn't one. "I heard you comparing me and my progress with Xanatos'. And I didn't eavesdrop either, it was broadcast straight to me."
For a long time Master stared at me, emotionless. I swallowed as I saw him prepare to speak. I was half expecting a calm, yet long lecture, half expecting this whole thing to explode in my face. But I didn't get either of those things.
"Padawan, go to your quarters when you're finished. We will talk about this at a later time." With that, he returned to his thoughts.
The hours in my quarters after that could have easily been days, and I spent most of that time in meditation, releasing many of my feelings into the Force and thinking about the situation to come. I heard Master call me through our bond and my concentration was broken. I mustered up all the courage I could find, and entered the living area of the apartment.
***
My memory of exactly what happened after I stepped out of my quarters has been hazy since it happened. What I do remember is that he apologized and we let each other know why things weren't working then. Things didn't get better immediately, it was a slow process, but it had started that day and all I could think was, 'Everything will be better soon, I just have to wait it out.'
But that all becomes clear to me now, Qui-Gon was simply remembering how Xanatos was, before he turned and how he felt it was his fault that things happened the way they did. Normally, my Master would state that that was the will of the Force, and there are reasons for everything that happens. But those words were not spoken, and he slipped into denial. But my Master came out of that state, and rose to his previous reputation of one of the most respected Jedi Masters in the Temple, and brought another Learner to Knighthood.
Xanatos DeCruet and Anakin Skywalker, two young Jedi who never completed their training. It was not Qui-Gon's fault that his Learner fell, but I'm almost convinced that it was my doing that mine fell.
Enough reminiscing, I have to keep my mine on the here and now. 'Every time I think of that phrase, I hear my Master's voice in my head.' I thought.
And as I glance out at the sandy landscape of the deserts of Tatooine, I patiently await the coming of my next trial in life. Assuming the name "Ben", I watch from a distance the life of another Skywalker, one that I will not fail, the one that will manage the problems that my Anakin created.
A/N: Please R/R
From the day I met my Padawan, quite a few years ago, I knew that we were tied together by destiny. Back then, Anakin Skywalker was a harmless little boy that my Master freed from slavery. It's hard to believe that he really turned to the Dark Side and betrayed me, his teacher, mentor, friend and the list goes on, but most importantly, I was his Jedi Master.
I often wondered if I was doing a good enough job at teaching the Chosen One, regardless of the promise I made on Naboo I believe that there was another Jedi Master better qualified for the task. But I gave my Master my word to train Anakin and then listened to him take his last breath. *Sigh, my Master's last spoken words were of a boy that he's known for only a few days, instead of a few words for his lone Padawan. But I mustn't let jealousy get in the way of my promise, or duty as a Jedi.
It's hard to find the exact point in time where things started to go wrong. I'm willing to bet that it was during some of the first days we were Master and Padawan. Things were not going as I had hoped, and I don't think Anakin wanted that event to happen either.
***
"But Master! I can't concentrate, and if you ask me, meditation is a waste of time." Anakin Skywalker and all of his eleven years were standing in front of me, trying once again to find a way out of daily exercises. A resourceful boy but he needed to work on his negotiation skills.
'I never gave my Master trouble like this, at least, not that I can remember.' I thought to myself. I looked into his pale blue eyes, and by the way he was avoiding my gaze I could tell his attempts were futile. I only hope my nervousness didn't show on the outside.
I leaned forward before speaking in a soft neutral tone, "Anakin, meditation is a way to calm your feelings, and clear your mind to find an inner peace. Without it, a Jedi cannot use the Force to the full potential." I paused to gauge his reaction. Neutral. "It's also a way to help strengthen the necessary bond between a Master and his Padawan."
Anakin's gaze finally met my own, and I smiled softly down at the child I was responsible for. But again, he remained neutral, weighing his options between saying one thing and another. Without that bond yet, I could only guess at what was going on inside his thoughts.
"A bond is useless if the Padawan doesn't trust his Master." He said, narrowing his eyes at me.
That took me off guard, severely so. I found myself thinking, 'What would Master Qui-Gon say to this? He would offer to help in the meditation process, so that's what I'll do.' I knelt down to his height and put my hand on his shoulder and spoke softly.
"How about if I help you with your meditation, we can take it one step at a time until you're comfortable on your own." I tried my hardest to remain as friendly as humanly possible, though I could feel the frustration venting from the boy.
Despite my efforts, he pulled away from me. "Help me? I bet you're offering to help me only to see me fail."
"That's not true, I only want to help you attune your skills, those skills will help you grow as a Jedi." I don't know where that line came from, but it sounded good.
"I don't want your help." Anakin said, taking another step backwards, "I'll do it on my own, or not at all." Without another word, he turned and retreated into his quarters.
'That didn't go as well as I had hoped.' I thought taking a deep breath.
I reached out with the Force, both calming my nerves, and making me aware of just how deep my young Padawan's frustrations actually ran. It would take quite a bit of time and patience to ease those frustrations, while earning his trust in the process.
***
Anakin did apologize later that day, and when he smiled up at me for that first time since the events on Naboo, I could tell that we were on the right path. Time and patience it took to get us both here, but that time had run out, and I found myself at the wrong end of Anakin's lightsaber. He was teetering on the edge of the Dark Side, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
I had already tried everything in my power to stop my Padawan's descent into Darkness, but the attempts failed again and again. I feared for him. I failed him as a teacher, a mentor and his Jedi Master. The look of anger he gave me during that battle has been burned into my memory, and continues to shake me in my sleep.
And yet, in some bizarre twist of destiny, this seems almost familiar; a Jedi Master having such a strong bond with his Padawan Learner to call him a son, and then losing that son. Yes, that is very familiar indeed.
Xanatos. My Master's second Learner, yet despite my own dealings with him, I couldn't truly understand what Master Qui-Gon went through with him. I understand now, with a painful reality do I understand; and as with most of life's lessons, this was learned a bit too late.
I remember during my years in training how I would be compared to, albeit unconsciously, to Xanatos. I couldn't figure out how my Master could still think so fondly of someone who betrayed him in such a way. I remember the frustration of living in the shadow of someone who hurt my Master.
***
I turned off my lightsaber and could my Master's being shut down as well, I looked up at him, searching for some form of praise. My smile slowly faded as he approached where I was standing, his expression was not what I was hoping for.
"You left yourself open for attack more times than I took advantage of. You need to work on that." He plainly stated and then handed me a towel.
I didn't say anything to him, I was in shock at what I had just heard, and what I was hearing through our bond. Apparently, he had momentarily forgotten to put up his mental shields.
'Xanatos didn't leave himself open like that, am I teaching something wrong to Obi-Wan that Xanatos got right? Obi-Wan's not catching on quickly as he did.'
'Not catching on as quickly as he did?!' I thought to myself. I didn't know what to think when I heard my Master speak those words. I closed my eyes as those thoughts sunk in, then without warning, Bruck's words of my uselessness rose in my thoughts. I hung my head slightly and followed my Master out of the gym area.
The walk back to the apartment was longer than I remember, and the silence wasn't helping; and the silence didn't stop there, we hardly spoke more than a few words at a time to each other. The silence during the evening meal was deafening, annoying and frustrating all at the same time.
'I can't take this anymore, I have to say something.' I thought to myself.
"So, what did you really of our lightsaber practice?" I asked.
He looked up at me and then back down, "I already told you what I thought."
"Right, you did." I tried not despair but I failed at that too. And Master could sense it.
"Were you expecting something else?"
'Just something positive,' I though behind my mental shields. I weighed my options for replies, and chose the risky path. "I heard what you were thinking afterward." I paused; gauging his reaction, there wasn't one. "I heard you comparing me and my progress with Xanatos'. And I didn't eavesdrop either, it was broadcast straight to me."
For a long time Master stared at me, emotionless. I swallowed as I saw him prepare to speak. I was half expecting a calm, yet long lecture, half expecting this whole thing to explode in my face. But I didn't get either of those things.
"Padawan, go to your quarters when you're finished. We will talk about this at a later time." With that, he returned to his thoughts.
The hours in my quarters after that could have easily been days, and I spent most of that time in meditation, releasing many of my feelings into the Force and thinking about the situation to come. I heard Master call me through our bond and my concentration was broken. I mustered up all the courage I could find, and entered the living area of the apartment.
***
My memory of exactly what happened after I stepped out of my quarters has been hazy since it happened. What I do remember is that he apologized and we let each other know why things weren't working then. Things didn't get better immediately, it was a slow process, but it had started that day and all I could think was, 'Everything will be better soon, I just have to wait it out.'
But that all becomes clear to me now, Qui-Gon was simply remembering how Xanatos was, before he turned and how he felt it was his fault that things happened the way they did. Normally, my Master would state that that was the will of the Force, and there are reasons for everything that happens. But those words were not spoken, and he slipped into denial. But my Master came out of that state, and rose to his previous reputation of one of the most respected Jedi Masters in the Temple, and brought another Learner to Knighthood.
Xanatos DeCruet and Anakin Skywalker, two young Jedi who never completed their training. It was not Qui-Gon's fault that his Learner fell, but I'm almost convinced that it was my doing that mine fell.
Enough reminiscing, I have to keep my mine on the here and now. 'Every time I think of that phrase, I hear my Master's voice in my head.' I thought.
And as I glance out at the sandy landscape of the deserts of Tatooine, I patiently await the coming of my next trial in life. Assuming the name "Ben", I watch from a distance the life of another Skywalker, one that I will not fail, the one that will manage the problems that my Anakin created.
A/N: Please R/R