Chapter Thirty-four
He had finally found her. Seeing her standing there, seemingly unharmed, Rafe sighed with relief.
He quickly ran forward, pulling Alison into his arms, holding her close.
"Thank God." he said as he placed a kiss on her hair.
It took everything, every single ounce of courage she had not to break down and melt into his embrace. Oh my God, she thought, desperately. How would she ever be able to get through this? She had to convince him she meant what she said. But how? How could she possibly ever bring herself to look him in the eye and break his heart? She had just told him how much she wanted to fight. He would never believe her. Not unless she spoke the words she knew would wound him the most. I can't do it, she thought. I can't hurt him that way.
The image of what Joshua had in store for Rafe flashed through her mind, and that was all it took.
She would have to do it, she decided. If she wanted him to live - she'd have to.
Maybe one day, they'd be able to find their way to each other again. If Joshua was destroyed, maybe one day they might. Their love was so strong and they always had before. She had to believe that it would be the same this time, that their chances had not yet run out. It was all she had to hope for at the moment.
Alison took a deep breath and used all the strength she possessed to push him away.
"No. Rafe." she began.
Her shove startled him. Rafe's arms fell limply to his sides as he looked at her.
"What's wrong? What did he do to you? Did he hurt you?" he asked, his hands moving to touch her face.
Wanting nothing more than to lean towards his touch, she forced herself to swat his hands away.
"Get away from me." she said, her voice shaky.
"What? Wait. Alison." Rafe looked at her closely, confusion written all over his face.
"Leave. Now. Rafe, I mean it. I want you to go."
"Alison, you don't know what you're saying."
She looked up at him, and felt her heart tearing into pieces as she did. She needed to finish this. Afterward, when she was alone, she could break down. Not before. Not if she wanted to save him. She took another deep breath, forced her voice to stay calm.
"I know exactly what I'm saying." Alison said to him slowly, as if Rafe was a child she wanted to make understand. "I want you to go."
Rafe searched her face. Joshua had done this. His instincts as a slayer could tell him she had not been turned, but Joshua must be controlling her mind. His heart began to race, as he tried to figure out a way to reach her so that he could get her away from here.
"Whatever he's done to you, it will all be OK. OK? Come on. There isn't much time." Rafe spoke quietly, each word gently urging her to follow him. He reached for her hand.
Nearly giving in and putting her hand in his, she knew that if she wanted to save him, she couldn't bear to look at him any longer. She turned her back on him in reply.
Rafe's own heart began to ache as she did. Seeing her turn away from him was as forceful as a slap to his face.
He was as scared as he'd ever been in his whole life. Something in her voice was horribly wrong. She had tried to convince him to leave her before when their wedding was ruined by Caleb's cruelty, but that time - as she did - she made sure he had known that her love for him was never in doubt. What was happening now? Why was she doing this? Rafe tried to think of a way to just scoop her up and carry her to safety, but in her current state of mind she would not go quietly and he needed her to be silent.
He began to plead with her. "Please. Please. Alison, come on. We need to get out of here."
She turned toward him, angry tears in her eyes as she raised her voice. "You are not listening to me! I am telling you to go. I don't want you here!"
"He must have given you something, some sort of drug. We'll go to Ian - he can figure it out and fix it."
"No, Rafe. He can't fix this, and you!" she laughed bitterly. "You can't fix it either."
Alison finally was able to channel her anger and resentment about having no choice but to do this where it would do the most good. She focused her anger on him.
Rafe just stood there. Stunned not only by her words but the way she spoke them. Her face looked empty and hollow, her voice sounded strangled and dead. This wasn't his angel.
"Why are you doing this? Alison. Please - tell me. What's wrong?"
"Everything's wrong, Rafe. Everything. This. Us. It's been wrong from the beginning."
"Us? What? I don't understand. I'm here to take you home."
"Home? Home - Rafe?" her voice was so calm it frightened him. "We've never really had a home have we? We lived at Lucy's, practically lived in a barn, and now - now we don't have an apartment, it's just a dark, dreary warehouse."
"But I thought." he began.
She cut him off. "You thought wrong, Rafe. I can't do this anymore. Any of this, and I don't want to. Can't you see? Don't you understand? Everything about us - together - from the start was not even real. I can't believe I didn't realize it before. You were an angel when we met for God's sake. You were technically dead. I don't know how I thought for a second we stood a chance in hell. And now. Well. It looks like we've actually arrived there. So I guess I was right all along."
Her words pierced his heart like a dozen razors. He was shaking with fear. He could feel it, see it in her face. Evil was clearly winning now. The worst thing he could imagine was happening. She had finally had enough. She decided to stop fighting. My God, no, he thought. This can't be. I'm losing her.
Rafe reached toward her and again was shocked as she pushed at his hands, shoving him away.
Nothing mattered to him anymore but bringing her back to him, he had to make her understand. Rafe was now begging, he'd do anything he could to make her see.
"Alison. Please. I love you, I just."
"You love me? You love me - Do you love me enough to save me from all this?" Alison's voice nearly mocked him.
He couldn't believe his ears. If he didn't see her standing right in front of him he would swear she was someone else. Desperate, he continued to try and make her hear him.
"Alison, you know that I do. You know that I love you with everything that I am. That's why I'm here. Trust me, OK? We need to go."
His words were making her weaken, the hurt she could hear in his voice stabbing her like shards of glass. Don't stop, Alison, she cautioned herself. You need to make him believe. She knew him so well, knew exactly what it would take to break him. She knew all the words that would make him finally walk away from her. She saw her opportunity. This was it. Do it fast, Alison. If you don't, he will die.
The tears she cried as she spoke these next words were because of her love for him, but he mistook them for anger. She knew it would almost kill him, because having to say the words made her feel just as if she was dying too.
"I trusted you and you failed me." she said, her voice full of accusation.
As she saw his face fall, saw him defeated and wracked with guilt, she knew he had finally heard her. What was left of her heart silently cried out to him - "Rafe, I am only doing this because I love you. I love you..."
As words of love filled her mind, words of anger and doubt left her mouth. She continued her attack, making sure he'd go. "It's over. You. Can't. Save. Me. You promised me you would and you didn't." A bitter chuckle escaped as she went on, "I don't think you ever really could. How many times did I go and let myself believe in you? Believed when you said, "I'll fix it Alison, I'll save you?" You promised it would all be OK. Well, Rafe. Look at me. Do you see where I am? How you've saved me?" sarcasm filled her voice, dripping from every word.
Tears filled his eyes as he watched her. He knew in his heart that she spoke the truth. He had tried, but he failed her. He let her be taken by Joshua after he promised she'd be safe.
He was battered, bleeding now from the wounds her words caused. He hanged his head. His shoulders were slumped. She wanted nothing more than to soothe him, but still she made herself continue.
"I belong to Joshua now. I am his. And it's all thanks to you. You still want to grant my every wish, Rafe?" Alison said, extending a bitter challenge to him. "Here's your last chance."
The end was near. She choked on these final words, but finally, she got them out.
"I wish - I wish, I never met you."
Rafe looked at her then, completely broken. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he whispered, "Please - don't. Alison, you can't mean that."
Watching him crumble before her eyes, Alison wanted to scream. She wanted nothing more than to throw herself into Rafe's arms and take it all back. She had to force herself not to say the words that she so desperately wanted to aloud."Oh God. No, of course I don't, Rafe. I don't mean a single word. I love you, with all my heart. Meeting you, falling in love with you is the greatest, most precious gift of my life. I have always had every faith in you, you are my soul mate, my hero, my angel. You have done all you could to stop this, to keep me safe. But, I refuse to let Joshua hurt you. I will not let you give your life to save mine, because if you do, this will end the same way. He will have me, and you'll be gone and I won't be able to live, knowing that I could have saved you. I know you, as well as I know myself. If you have the chance, you will try do it anyway and I love you, far too much to allow that to happen."
If she were ever lucky enough to be with him again, she'd say it all to him and more. She would make it all up to him.
The truth of their present situation smacked Alison back to reality. She knew she would not, could not let Joshua kill him. Not if she could stop it. The earth was so much more blessed with Rafe on it and he'd already lost so much time. Making him believe her was the only way to make sure he'd be safe.
"I can. I do. Now, I'm telling you - for the last time. Get out." She gestured towards the door as she spoke.
Her words struck him like blows. Reeling from their impact, Rafe stumbled backwards, turning blindly. He began to walk towards the door.
He glanced back at Alison, this last look holding the last bit of his hope. He clung to the thought that he'd heard her wrong, that she didn't mean it. She was not seriously sending him away.
Looking him straight in the face she said, "Just go."
Seeing his world shatter before his eyes, Rafe did what she asked.
*********
The door clicked closed. The sound was so final, hearing it made Alison turn away in pain.
She could not believe she had done it. She had convinced him to go.
Her legs began to tremble. Dazed, she realized she could no longer stand. She tried to walk a few steps but was so weak, so blinded by tears, she collapsed right where she stood.
She had always thought she understood. She thought she had already experienced it herself. But she knew now for certain, when people said they were heartbroken they were lying.
Because right now, her heart was not merely broken - it was ripped completely to shreds. She could swear that it had been torn from her body, gripped by evil hands and drained of every last drop of blood. The pain was so real, so fierce, she was sure she was dying. She could not survive this.
Alison was unable to breathe, she was unable to think of anything but the look on his face, the hurt in his eyes. Knowing she was the one who put it there filled her with even more sorrow.
She hugged her arms around herself and rocked back and forth on her knees, sobbing uncontrollably now. Alison couldn't speak, she could only mouth his name, over and over. "Rafe.Rafe.Rafe."
She sat like that for what seemed like hours, cried until her eyes were as empty as she felt without him. Her breath started to come back but the pain was still so sharp - it still felt as if she'd been stabbed in the heart and left to die.
In the back of her mind she began to remember. Alison knew what had made it come to this, and who was the one responsible.
It was Joshua, that vile, despicable, heartless animal who dared to threaten the life of the man she loved.
He would not have him. He would not hurt him. Not while she had a breath left in her body.
As devastated as she was at the moment, as hard as it was to focus, rage began to rise higher and higher inside her, soon overpowering and taking away the last of her tears.
Joshua thought he was winning. Alison had always strived to see the good in others, but Joshua had finally proven to her there were some in this world who were pure evil, who had no good in them at all. He thought he could break her, thought he would conquer her. He was in for the fight of his life.
If there was anything at all Rafe's love had given her, it was the ability to do battle. To be strong enough to face what life threw at her. This was by far the worst she'd ever face, since she was forced to do it alone. But she knew she was ready.
She spoke to Rafe in her mind then, wishing he could really hear her now. "While I fight him, Rafe, while I bring him down, every small victory will be because I love you. I promise you, I will not let him win."
Hatred laced each of the next words she spoke aloud, "You have no idea what you're in for, Joshua. You think you've found your perfect, loving, docile bride? The woman of your dreams? Well. Think again."
"I've just become your worst nightmare."
He had finally found her. Seeing her standing there, seemingly unharmed, Rafe sighed with relief.
He quickly ran forward, pulling Alison into his arms, holding her close.
"Thank God." he said as he placed a kiss on her hair.
It took everything, every single ounce of courage she had not to break down and melt into his embrace. Oh my God, she thought, desperately. How would she ever be able to get through this? She had to convince him she meant what she said. But how? How could she possibly ever bring herself to look him in the eye and break his heart? She had just told him how much she wanted to fight. He would never believe her. Not unless she spoke the words she knew would wound him the most. I can't do it, she thought. I can't hurt him that way.
The image of what Joshua had in store for Rafe flashed through her mind, and that was all it took.
She would have to do it, she decided. If she wanted him to live - she'd have to.
Maybe one day, they'd be able to find their way to each other again. If Joshua was destroyed, maybe one day they might. Their love was so strong and they always had before. She had to believe that it would be the same this time, that their chances had not yet run out. It was all she had to hope for at the moment.
Alison took a deep breath and used all the strength she possessed to push him away.
"No. Rafe." she began.
Her shove startled him. Rafe's arms fell limply to his sides as he looked at her.
"What's wrong? What did he do to you? Did he hurt you?" he asked, his hands moving to touch her face.
Wanting nothing more than to lean towards his touch, she forced herself to swat his hands away.
"Get away from me." she said, her voice shaky.
"What? Wait. Alison." Rafe looked at her closely, confusion written all over his face.
"Leave. Now. Rafe, I mean it. I want you to go."
"Alison, you don't know what you're saying."
She looked up at him, and felt her heart tearing into pieces as she did. She needed to finish this. Afterward, when she was alone, she could break down. Not before. Not if she wanted to save him. She took another deep breath, forced her voice to stay calm.
"I know exactly what I'm saying." Alison said to him slowly, as if Rafe was a child she wanted to make understand. "I want you to go."
Rafe searched her face. Joshua had done this. His instincts as a slayer could tell him she had not been turned, but Joshua must be controlling her mind. His heart began to race, as he tried to figure out a way to reach her so that he could get her away from here.
"Whatever he's done to you, it will all be OK. OK? Come on. There isn't much time." Rafe spoke quietly, each word gently urging her to follow him. He reached for her hand.
Nearly giving in and putting her hand in his, she knew that if she wanted to save him, she couldn't bear to look at him any longer. She turned her back on him in reply.
Rafe's own heart began to ache as she did. Seeing her turn away from him was as forceful as a slap to his face.
He was as scared as he'd ever been in his whole life. Something in her voice was horribly wrong. She had tried to convince him to leave her before when their wedding was ruined by Caleb's cruelty, but that time - as she did - she made sure he had known that her love for him was never in doubt. What was happening now? Why was she doing this? Rafe tried to think of a way to just scoop her up and carry her to safety, but in her current state of mind she would not go quietly and he needed her to be silent.
He began to plead with her. "Please. Please. Alison, come on. We need to get out of here."
She turned toward him, angry tears in her eyes as she raised her voice. "You are not listening to me! I am telling you to go. I don't want you here!"
"He must have given you something, some sort of drug. We'll go to Ian - he can figure it out and fix it."
"No, Rafe. He can't fix this, and you!" she laughed bitterly. "You can't fix it either."
Alison finally was able to channel her anger and resentment about having no choice but to do this where it would do the most good. She focused her anger on him.
Rafe just stood there. Stunned not only by her words but the way she spoke them. Her face looked empty and hollow, her voice sounded strangled and dead. This wasn't his angel.
"Why are you doing this? Alison. Please - tell me. What's wrong?"
"Everything's wrong, Rafe. Everything. This. Us. It's been wrong from the beginning."
"Us? What? I don't understand. I'm here to take you home."
"Home? Home - Rafe?" her voice was so calm it frightened him. "We've never really had a home have we? We lived at Lucy's, practically lived in a barn, and now - now we don't have an apartment, it's just a dark, dreary warehouse."
"But I thought." he began.
She cut him off. "You thought wrong, Rafe. I can't do this anymore. Any of this, and I don't want to. Can't you see? Don't you understand? Everything about us - together - from the start was not even real. I can't believe I didn't realize it before. You were an angel when we met for God's sake. You were technically dead. I don't know how I thought for a second we stood a chance in hell. And now. Well. It looks like we've actually arrived there. So I guess I was right all along."
Her words pierced his heart like a dozen razors. He was shaking with fear. He could feel it, see it in her face. Evil was clearly winning now. The worst thing he could imagine was happening. She had finally had enough. She decided to stop fighting. My God, no, he thought. This can't be. I'm losing her.
Rafe reached toward her and again was shocked as she pushed at his hands, shoving him away.
Nothing mattered to him anymore but bringing her back to him, he had to make her understand. Rafe was now begging, he'd do anything he could to make her see.
"Alison. Please. I love you, I just."
"You love me? You love me - Do you love me enough to save me from all this?" Alison's voice nearly mocked him.
He couldn't believe his ears. If he didn't see her standing right in front of him he would swear she was someone else. Desperate, he continued to try and make her hear him.
"Alison, you know that I do. You know that I love you with everything that I am. That's why I'm here. Trust me, OK? We need to go."
His words were making her weaken, the hurt she could hear in his voice stabbing her like shards of glass. Don't stop, Alison, she cautioned herself. You need to make him believe. She knew him so well, knew exactly what it would take to break him. She knew all the words that would make him finally walk away from her. She saw her opportunity. This was it. Do it fast, Alison. If you don't, he will die.
The tears she cried as she spoke these next words were because of her love for him, but he mistook them for anger. She knew it would almost kill him, because having to say the words made her feel just as if she was dying too.
"I trusted you and you failed me." she said, her voice full of accusation.
As she saw his face fall, saw him defeated and wracked with guilt, she knew he had finally heard her. What was left of her heart silently cried out to him - "Rafe, I am only doing this because I love you. I love you..."
As words of love filled her mind, words of anger and doubt left her mouth. She continued her attack, making sure he'd go. "It's over. You. Can't. Save. Me. You promised me you would and you didn't." A bitter chuckle escaped as she went on, "I don't think you ever really could. How many times did I go and let myself believe in you? Believed when you said, "I'll fix it Alison, I'll save you?" You promised it would all be OK. Well, Rafe. Look at me. Do you see where I am? How you've saved me?" sarcasm filled her voice, dripping from every word.
Tears filled his eyes as he watched her. He knew in his heart that she spoke the truth. He had tried, but he failed her. He let her be taken by Joshua after he promised she'd be safe.
He was battered, bleeding now from the wounds her words caused. He hanged his head. His shoulders were slumped. She wanted nothing more than to soothe him, but still she made herself continue.
"I belong to Joshua now. I am his. And it's all thanks to you. You still want to grant my every wish, Rafe?" Alison said, extending a bitter challenge to him. "Here's your last chance."
The end was near. She choked on these final words, but finally, she got them out.
"I wish - I wish, I never met you."
Rafe looked at her then, completely broken. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he whispered, "Please - don't. Alison, you can't mean that."
Watching him crumble before her eyes, Alison wanted to scream. She wanted nothing more than to throw herself into Rafe's arms and take it all back. She had to force herself not to say the words that she so desperately wanted to aloud."Oh God. No, of course I don't, Rafe. I don't mean a single word. I love you, with all my heart. Meeting you, falling in love with you is the greatest, most precious gift of my life. I have always had every faith in you, you are my soul mate, my hero, my angel. You have done all you could to stop this, to keep me safe. But, I refuse to let Joshua hurt you. I will not let you give your life to save mine, because if you do, this will end the same way. He will have me, and you'll be gone and I won't be able to live, knowing that I could have saved you. I know you, as well as I know myself. If you have the chance, you will try do it anyway and I love you, far too much to allow that to happen."
If she were ever lucky enough to be with him again, she'd say it all to him and more. She would make it all up to him.
The truth of their present situation smacked Alison back to reality. She knew she would not, could not let Joshua kill him. Not if she could stop it. The earth was so much more blessed with Rafe on it and he'd already lost so much time. Making him believe her was the only way to make sure he'd be safe.
"I can. I do. Now, I'm telling you - for the last time. Get out." She gestured towards the door as she spoke.
Her words struck him like blows. Reeling from their impact, Rafe stumbled backwards, turning blindly. He began to walk towards the door.
He glanced back at Alison, this last look holding the last bit of his hope. He clung to the thought that he'd heard her wrong, that she didn't mean it. She was not seriously sending him away.
Looking him straight in the face she said, "Just go."
Seeing his world shatter before his eyes, Rafe did what she asked.
*********
The door clicked closed. The sound was so final, hearing it made Alison turn away in pain.
She could not believe she had done it. She had convinced him to go.
Her legs began to tremble. Dazed, she realized she could no longer stand. She tried to walk a few steps but was so weak, so blinded by tears, she collapsed right where she stood.
She had always thought she understood. She thought she had already experienced it herself. But she knew now for certain, when people said they were heartbroken they were lying.
Because right now, her heart was not merely broken - it was ripped completely to shreds. She could swear that it had been torn from her body, gripped by evil hands and drained of every last drop of blood. The pain was so real, so fierce, she was sure she was dying. She could not survive this.
Alison was unable to breathe, she was unable to think of anything but the look on his face, the hurt in his eyes. Knowing she was the one who put it there filled her with even more sorrow.
She hugged her arms around herself and rocked back and forth on her knees, sobbing uncontrollably now. Alison couldn't speak, she could only mouth his name, over and over. "Rafe.Rafe.Rafe."
She sat like that for what seemed like hours, cried until her eyes were as empty as she felt without him. Her breath started to come back but the pain was still so sharp - it still felt as if she'd been stabbed in the heart and left to die.
In the back of her mind she began to remember. Alison knew what had made it come to this, and who was the one responsible.
It was Joshua, that vile, despicable, heartless animal who dared to threaten the life of the man she loved.
He would not have him. He would not hurt him. Not while she had a breath left in her body.
As devastated as she was at the moment, as hard as it was to focus, rage began to rise higher and higher inside her, soon overpowering and taking away the last of her tears.
Joshua thought he was winning. Alison had always strived to see the good in others, but Joshua had finally proven to her there were some in this world who were pure evil, who had no good in them at all. He thought he could break her, thought he would conquer her. He was in for the fight of his life.
If there was anything at all Rafe's love had given her, it was the ability to do battle. To be strong enough to face what life threw at her. This was by far the worst she'd ever face, since she was forced to do it alone. But she knew she was ready.
She spoke to Rafe in her mind then, wishing he could really hear her now. "While I fight him, Rafe, while I bring him down, every small victory will be because I love you. I promise you, I will not let him win."
Hatred laced each of the next words she spoke aloud, "You have no idea what you're in for, Joshua. You think you've found your perfect, loving, docile bride? The woman of your dreams? Well. Think again."
"I've just become your worst nightmare."