Chapter Thirty-seven
He couldn't stay here.
There was no place he could be in this town that did not hold a memory of Alison. He wandered around, aimlessly searching, but there was no place he could go.
He had tried staying at Ian's, but could only remember the time when he and Alison babysat for Danny, before he'd even gotten the nerve to kiss her. Even if he'd let him he couldn't stay at Jack's, where he had first asked her to marry him. He couldn't stay at Lucy's and certainly not in their apartment. It didn't matter. Wherever he ended up he couldn't sleep anyway. Rafe could find no escape from her. The places he usually went to find peace just brought thoughts of her closer to him. So he couldn't go to the chapel or the church, and of course, most of all, the barn.
He wanted to run, wanted nothing more than to leave here, but, truthfully, he was fooling himself thinking that he could be fast enough to outrun thoughts of her. How he could ever get far enough away to forget her - that was something he couldn't begin to imagine.
There was still evil here - that needed to be fought. Rafe didn't care anymore. Losing Alison had drained him of all his strength. She was the most important thing in his life, and he let her down. If he couldn't save her, why bother trying to save anyone else.
Rafe walked for miles, finally ending up in the park. This was wrong too. He realized he now stood right in the place he'd first really kissed her. That cold, wintery day when she had asked him what he wanted most at that moment and he could only see her. Even after all she had just said to him - it was still the only thing he could see. Her gorgeous face. Her beautiful smile. Her silken hair. Her sparkling eyes.
She had always been so optimistic, always so sure good would win in the end. But the constant losing battle had broken her, and having her lose her faith had broken him
In his mind, he heard the words she had just spoken to him all over again. It had all been a lie. If he hadn't heard her say it himself, if he hadn't seen the look of pain and disappointment on her face with his own eyes he would not have believed it.
He was sitting on a bench, hunched over, his head in his hands, when she found him. Abby had never seen anyone look more alone. But she was the one person who knew the truth about what Alison had done. She was the only other person besides Alison herself who knew the real reason why.
Abby wanted to take some of his pain away, to make him realize what Alison was trying to do. She knew that the reason she was here was to help them both fight, but if he didn't get through this, if he didn't understand, he'd be no use.
And evil would certainly win.
She walked over and placed her hand gently on his shoulder.
"Rafe."she whispered.
It took him a full minute to acknowledge her.
"Abby." He said finally, looking up at her. His eyes were bloodshot, dark circles were forming under them. Though it had only been a few days, he looked as if he hadn't slept in weeks.
Abby sank down beside him.
"I'm so sorry." she said.
"Why? Why are you sorry? You've done nothing wrong. I have. I did. This whole thing is my fault." Rafe stood up and whirled around each word he spoke laced with pain.
"No. Rafe. It's not."
He cut her off, bitterly. "No. Stop. You can't convince me of that. I know the truth. It is. It is ALL my fault. You can see that. You would know - better than anyone. You've seen our past, you've seen our future. You know exactly why."
Abby stood up, reaching to grab Rafe by his arms, curling her fingers into the fabric of his shirt so that he would hold still while she spoke. She had so much to say and she needed him to listen.
She decided not to play games. She needed to get to the point quickly or she might lose his attention. "Rafe. Tell me. Would you give your life for Alison's? Even now, after what she's said to you?"
"That's a stupid question." Rafe glared at her.
"Well, then pretend I'm stupid and answer me anyway," Abby shot back.
"You already know the answer to that." Rafe's voice began to shake with annoyance. "Of course. Of course I would."
"Without a second thought?"
"Yes." He was getting more impatient with her by the second as he struggled to turn away.
"Would she do the same for you?" Abby continued, pulling him back, making him face her as she spoke. She was surprised to find that could be pretty strong when she needed it.
He looked down at her with pain filled eyes, but he still did not answer.
"Would she, Rafe?" she asked him again.
His said - by way of warning, "Abby. Let me go. Let it go."
Undeterred, Abby's words held a warning of her own. "No. I won't. Not until you hear me."
"I think I've heard enough lately to last me a lifetime, thanks." Rafe snapped back.
"Rafe." Abby pleaded. "You would give your life to save Alison's. Are you saying she would not do the same for you?"
He averted his eyes. "She would. At least I thought that she would - once."
"And now?"
A tear ran down his face as he answered her. "Now she's done with me. I've failed her. She doesn't want me here. She doesn't love me. Not anymore. I don't know if she ever did."
"Do you honestly believe that?"
"Abby, please. I can't - I don't want to talk about her, not now." He finally broke free and began to walk away.
Abby quickly ran around him to block his path. Putting her hands on his chest, making him stop, she looked up at him. "Rafe. Please. I just want you to stop and think for a minute. Think of all you two have been through. After surviving all that, after fighting together against it all, what now could possibly make her push you away?"
Memories of his life with Alison filled his mind, though no longer bringing him joy. It was torturous to think of her now knowing he had lost her, each image making his heart break all over again.
He shook his head - unable to speak.
"Rafe. Just think about it. What could she be trying to do? Isn't it possible? Couldn't it be that Alison is trying to save your life somehow?"
He looked straight at Abby, his love for Alison clearly reflected in his eyes.
"She can't do that," he said.
"Why?"
"Because - I won't let her." He said, his voice definite.
"I'm not sure that's your choice. Please. Just think about this. You know she loves you just as much as you love her. Wouldn't she try and do anything she could to keep you safe?"
He couldn't even consider that this was possible. He couldn't dare to hope. He tried to turn away again.
"Abby, don't."
Abby saw a spark of realization move across his face. She needed Rafe to fully understand in order to help him, in order for him to help her. Tears filled her own eyes now a she continued to push. "Listen to me, Rafe. I know what it's like to lose the person you love most in this world. I know what it's like to lose them forever. I wasn't able to save Cameron the night I lost him, but I wanted to, more than I wanted to live myself. If I had realized what would happen sooner, I'd have told him I never loved him. I'd have told him it was over. If it would keep him from getting in that car and driving home to me I'd have done it in a second. Because if I had, I'd have saved his life."
Rafe stood perfectly still but all the while, his mind was racing.
"You know the truth. You know how much she loves you. Rafe, Alison loves you so much, she'd do anything she had to in order to keep you from harm."
He wanted it to be true, more than he had wanted anything in his life. But he'd been hurt so completely that he wasn't sure he could survive any more.
"I thought that she loved me. I was sure that she did. But she said - she told me that it was over, that our love had never even been real. Abby, she looked me in the eye and told me that I had failed her and she is absolutely right. I did. I let her fall into Joshua's trap. I lost her and I have no one to blame but myself." Saying the words himself made Rafe wince with pain.
Abby could see clearly that he was hurt beyond belief, but she knew he was finally hearing her now. She couldn't give up.
"Alison knows you so well that she said exactly the things she knew would make you go. She knew she needed to hurt you enough to get you to leave her there. Can't you see that?"
He didn't want to believe Abby, but the possibility began to give him the first hope he'd felt in days. If it were true, he needed to fight, now more than ever.
"Abby. I don't know if I can. What if you're wrong?" he asked, his eyes full of agony.
"Rafe." Abby sighed. "What if I'm right?"
He couldn't stay here.
There was no place he could be in this town that did not hold a memory of Alison. He wandered around, aimlessly searching, but there was no place he could go.
He had tried staying at Ian's, but could only remember the time when he and Alison babysat for Danny, before he'd even gotten the nerve to kiss her. Even if he'd let him he couldn't stay at Jack's, where he had first asked her to marry him. He couldn't stay at Lucy's and certainly not in their apartment. It didn't matter. Wherever he ended up he couldn't sleep anyway. Rafe could find no escape from her. The places he usually went to find peace just brought thoughts of her closer to him. So he couldn't go to the chapel or the church, and of course, most of all, the barn.
He wanted to run, wanted nothing more than to leave here, but, truthfully, he was fooling himself thinking that he could be fast enough to outrun thoughts of her. How he could ever get far enough away to forget her - that was something he couldn't begin to imagine.
There was still evil here - that needed to be fought. Rafe didn't care anymore. Losing Alison had drained him of all his strength. She was the most important thing in his life, and he let her down. If he couldn't save her, why bother trying to save anyone else.
Rafe walked for miles, finally ending up in the park. This was wrong too. He realized he now stood right in the place he'd first really kissed her. That cold, wintery day when she had asked him what he wanted most at that moment and he could only see her. Even after all she had just said to him - it was still the only thing he could see. Her gorgeous face. Her beautiful smile. Her silken hair. Her sparkling eyes.
She had always been so optimistic, always so sure good would win in the end. But the constant losing battle had broken her, and having her lose her faith had broken him
In his mind, he heard the words she had just spoken to him all over again. It had all been a lie. If he hadn't heard her say it himself, if he hadn't seen the look of pain and disappointment on her face with his own eyes he would not have believed it.
He was sitting on a bench, hunched over, his head in his hands, when she found him. Abby had never seen anyone look more alone. But she was the one person who knew the truth about what Alison had done. She was the only other person besides Alison herself who knew the real reason why.
Abby wanted to take some of his pain away, to make him realize what Alison was trying to do. She knew that the reason she was here was to help them both fight, but if he didn't get through this, if he didn't understand, he'd be no use.
And evil would certainly win.
She walked over and placed her hand gently on his shoulder.
"Rafe."she whispered.
It took him a full minute to acknowledge her.
"Abby." He said finally, looking up at her. His eyes were bloodshot, dark circles were forming under them. Though it had only been a few days, he looked as if he hadn't slept in weeks.
Abby sank down beside him.
"I'm so sorry." she said.
"Why? Why are you sorry? You've done nothing wrong. I have. I did. This whole thing is my fault." Rafe stood up and whirled around each word he spoke laced with pain.
"No. Rafe. It's not."
He cut her off, bitterly. "No. Stop. You can't convince me of that. I know the truth. It is. It is ALL my fault. You can see that. You would know - better than anyone. You've seen our past, you've seen our future. You know exactly why."
Abby stood up, reaching to grab Rafe by his arms, curling her fingers into the fabric of his shirt so that he would hold still while she spoke. She had so much to say and she needed him to listen.
She decided not to play games. She needed to get to the point quickly or she might lose his attention. "Rafe. Tell me. Would you give your life for Alison's? Even now, after what she's said to you?"
"That's a stupid question." Rafe glared at her.
"Well, then pretend I'm stupid and answer me anyway," Abby shot back.
"You already know the answer to that." Rafe's voice began to shake with annoyance. "Of course. Of course I would."
"Without a second thought?"
"Yes." He was getting more impatient with her by the second as he struggled to turn away.
"Would she do the same for you?" Abby continued, pulling him back, making him face her as she spoke. She was surprised to find that could be pretty strong when she needed it.
He looked down at her with pain filled eyes, but he still did not answer.
"Would she, Rafe?" she asked him again.
His said - by way of warning, "Abby. Let me go. Let it go."
Undeterred, Abby's words held a warning of her own. "No. I won't. Not until you hear me."
"I think I've heard enough lately to last me a lifetime, thanks." Rafe snapped back.
"Rafe." Abby pleaded. "You would give your life to save Alison's. Are you saying she would not do the same for you?"
He averted his eyes. "She would. At least I thought that she would - once."
"And now?"
A tear ran down his face as he answered her. "Now she's done with me. I've failed her. She doesn't want me here. She doesn't love me. Not anymore. I don't know if she ever did."
"Do you honestly believe that?"
"Abby, please. I can't - I don't want to talk about her, not now." He finally broke free and began to walk away.
Abby quickly ran around him to block his path. Putting her hands on his chest, making him stop, she looked up at him. "Rafe. Please. I just want you to stop and think for a minute. Think of all you two have been through. After surviving all that, after fighting together against it all, what now could possibly make her push you away?"
Memories of his life with Alison filled his mind, though no longer bringing him joy. It was torturous to think of her now knowing he had lost her, each image making his heart break all over again.
He shook his head - unable to speak.
"Rafe. Just think about it. What could she be trying to do? Isn't it possible? Couldn't it be that Alison is trying to save your life somehow?"
He looked straight at Abby, his love for Alison clearly reflected in his eyes.
"She can't do that," he said.
"Why?"
"Because - I won't let her." He said, his voice definite.
"I'm not sure that's your choice. Please. Just think about this. You know she loves you just as much as you love her. Wouldn't she try and do anything she could to keep you safe?"
He couldn't even consider that this was possible. He couldn't dare to hope. He tried to turn away again.
"Abby, don't."
Abby saw a spark of realization move across his face. She needed Rafe to fully understand in order to help him, in order for him to help her. Tears filled her own eyes now a she continued to push. "Listen to me, Rafe. I know what it's like to lose the person you love most in this world. I know what it's like to lose them forever. I wasn't able to save Cameron the night I lost him, but I wanted to, more than I wanted to live myself. If I had realized what would happen sooner, I'd have told him I never loved him. I'd have told him it was over. If it would keep him from getting in that car and driving home to me I'd have done it in a second. Because if I had, I'd have saved his life."
Rafe stood perfectly still but all the while, his mind was racing.
"You know the truth. You know how much she loves you. Rafe, Alison loves you so much, she'd do anything she had to in order to keep you from harm."
He wanted it to be true, more than he had wanted anything in his life. But he'd been hurt so completely that he wasn't sure he could survive any more.
"I thought that she loved me. I was sure that she did. But she said - she told me that it was over, that our love had never even been real. Abby, she looked me in the eye and told me that I had failed her and she is absolutely right. I did. I let her fall into Joshua's trap. I lost her and I have no one to blame but myself." Saying the words himself made Rafe wince with pain.
Abby could see clearly that he was hurt beyond belief, but she knew he was finally hearing her now. She couldn't give up.
"Alison knows you so well that she said exactly the things she knew would make you go. She knew she needed to hurt you enough to get you to leave her there. Can't you see that?"
He didn't want to believe Abby, but the possibility began to give him the first hope he'd felt in days. If it were true, he needed to fight, now more than ever.
"Abby. I don't know if I can. What if you're wrong?" he asked, his eyes full of agony.
"Rafe." Abby sighed. "What if I'm right?"