Author's Note: Just to clarify, here are the houses that everyone has been
sorted into:
GRYFFINDOR: Frodo Baggins, Boromir, Meriadic Brandybuck, Peregrin Took
HUFFLEPUFF: Samwise Gamgee, Eowyn Shieldmaiden
RAVENCLAW: Aragorn, Faramir
SLYTHERIN: Arwen, Eomer, Legolas (and Gollum by default as Arwen's house elf)
Obviously I could not put every single person in Gryffindor (because if I was to be accurate most would be there), but I think bearing that in mind, I got it pretty close. Eowyn stood by her uncle for years watching both his kingdom and his health fall into decay, yet held her tongue and silently went about her duties. Now if that's not a Hufflepuff, I don't know what is. And some stuff I said that would happen in this chapter actually happens in the next. This one just sort of reached a natural closure point and I have my last exam tomorrow, so I wanted to get this up for your perusal.
Enjoy!
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Chapter Seven: Porn, isn't that a type of Grain?
"Five green bottles hanging on the wall - THUMP, THUMP - Five green bottles hanging on the wall - THUMP, THUMP - If one green bottle should accidentally fall - THUMP - ow, Merry, my head! - There'll be four green bottles hanging on the wall!"
"When will they ever shut up?" Ron moaned to Harry. "It's four o'clock in the morning!"
Harry groaned and burrowed his head beneath his pillow. Everyone else had long gone to bed but his new housemates, Merry and Pippin, had been jumping up and down on the four-poster bed that they shared. They were now in the final innings of their song, which had started at "One hundred thousand green bottles hanging on the wall."
Ron opened the curtains around his bed. Frodo Baggins was sitting on his bed, reading a ponderous-looking novel. Stepping onto the cold stone floor and tip-toeing over to him, Ron whispered, "Are they always like this?"
"Oh, this is pretty good for them," Frodo shrugged. "At least this time the lyrics aren't obscene. And they haven't started singing-"
"THIS IS THE SONG THAT DOESN'T END! IT JUST GOES ON AND ON, MY FRIEND! SOME PEOPLE STARTED SINGING IT NOT KNOWING WHAT IT WAS! AND THEY CONTINUED SINGING IT FOR EVER JUST BECAUSE THIS IS THE SONG THAT DOESN'T END-"
"Yep, that's the one," Frodo confirmed. Ron started tearing out his hair.
Harry exploded out from his curtains, wrapping his robe around himself. "Right, I can't take this anymore," he said. "It's useless trying to get some sleep with all this din going on. Who's up for taking a trip downstairs and visiting the house elves for some coffee?"
"Count me in," Ron said, yawning. "You coming, Frodo?"
"Yeah, why not?" the hobbit shrugged, scrambling down the side of the bed and sliding his feet into his slippers. "Although I prefer green tea though. It's a much healthier form of caffeine."
"Whatever turns you on," Ron told him.
"Do you have to be so crass all the time?" Harry asked, glaring at him [A/N - He's one to talk]. The three boys departed the dorm.
They were clearly not the only ones disturbed by Merry and Pippin's "bed- thumping." Colin and Dennis Creevey were downstairs, yawning and scratching sleep from their eyes. A crowd of younger boys were also in the common room, some cat-napping in the leather armchairs. Being one of the senior dorms, the sixth year boys' bedroom was on one of the top floors, and the noise had obviously travelled down to the floors below.
Hermione was also downstairs, her brown curls scattered around her face. Much to everyone's relief, she had outgrown the hideous pink gown she had worn in her first year and was now wearing a cherry red flannel robe over her pyjamas. "The noise travels all the way to the girls' dorms too?" Ron asked her.
"No, Boromir is in my bed," Hermione said icily. "I got back from my shower and he was in there waiting for me. I didn't realise it until I was actually in bed. He was happy to see me. Don't ask me how I know that."
"Is he still happy to see you?" Harry asked.
"No," Hermione responded. "It has something to do with how I got rid of him." Ron and Harry both winced. "Needless to say I've been down here all evening," she continued. "How he found out the password to the girls' dorms, I'll never know - Ron, why are you whistling?"
The four sixth years walked down the hall and found the portrait with the tickling fruit, the secret entry to the kitchen. True to his word, Frodo ordered green tea, which Hermione instantly bonded over with him, using the occasion to lecture Harry and Ron on the evils of coffee.
"We'll see who's still standing during Binns lecture," Ron told her, reaching for his second expresso.
"Hello, Hermione Miss!" a voice squeaked, and Winky stood next to them, wringing her hands eagerly in her apron. "How may I been of service to you?"
"We're fine now, thanks," Ron said, beginning to shake from his coffee.
"How's Dobby?" Harry asked her.
"He is not only still being paid, Harry Potter sir," Winky's voice dropped to a whisper, her large brown eyes solemn and grave, "but he is now demanding a raise and a promotion and a corner office. He is a disgrace to all good house elves. Next, sir, he will be demanding mental health days and maternity leave!"
"Yes, disgraceful, he doesn't need maternity leave," Ron agreed through chattering teeth. Hermione shot him a dark look. "Oh, come on, he's a male! It was a joke, Herm!"
"How often do I have to ask you not to call me that?" she snapped.
"But I'm not even sure what word it's supposed to sound close to," Ron protested. Frodo put down his cup of tea and whispered in his ear. "Oh," said Ron, and turned bright red.
"Now, Hermione Granger ma'am, are you sure there is nothing you are wanting?" Winky persisted.
"No, I'm fine, thank you, Winky," Hermione said. Her stomach growled in protest. "I hate to impose upon you. You know how much I object to indentured servants and slave labour."
Winky looked almost sly. "There is a lovely mudcake I have just finished icing."
Hermione was a woman caught between her morals and a mouth-watering slice of chocolate cake. She glanced from Harry, who pretended to be engrossed in a spot on the ceiling, and Ron, who was trying not to giggle. "Well, if it's already made-" she began.
"Excellent! Here you are, Hermione ma'am!" Winky snapped her fingers, and an entire mudcake appeared on her lap. Ron reached over and grabbed two slices. Frodo did too, but possessing manners that Ron lacked and being a Hobbit, after all, passed over one of the slices to Harry.
A low wailing suddenly broke out from a far corner, causing them all to start. Hunched over was a strange-looking man in black. He had skin so pale that it looked as though it had never seen sunlight and his greasy dark hair was hanging down around his face in clumps. A wart was near one eye. In short he looked like a vampire, but without any form of sex appeal.
"Who's that?" Harry asked, feeling for his wand in his pocket. The person had that kind of impression on people.
"That is Master Dumbledore's latest edition to the kitchen," Winky explained in hushed tones. "He could not find work anywhere else, and Dumbledore often employs those who others may not. Bad Winky, bad!" She stopped and slapped her forehead.
"Er, does she have catatonia?" Frodo asked nervously.
"Nah, it's just what house elves do when they insult their master," Ron shrugged. Hermione glared at him. "Oh, come on!"
"He comes from a land called Rohan," Winky continued, "and his name is Grima Wormtongue."
"Listen, he's trying to speak," Hermione whispered.
"That Eowyn, what a fox," Grima was mumbling. "Damn fine girl. Mother posed for "Maidens Without Their Shields," you know."
"You hear that? He's got porn," Ron whispered awed. Hermione slapped him over the back of his head.
"Yush, women are so hard to please," Grima continued, slurring. "Offered her world domination, a chance to backstab her uncle and brother and drive her people into the mud. Turned it down, that little hussy. And then she chose Aragorn over me, can you believe? Mental, that one. Nice jugs though." He burped and slid unconscious off his stool. A bevy of house elves instantly rushed over and threw a tablecloth over him, ashamed at the sight.
"That was weird," Harry said. "Who's up for heading back?"
"Hang on, I have to instigate this a little more," Ron declared stoutly, getting up and walking over to the drunk and passed out Grima. Bending down, he started to shake him by the arm. "Dude? Hey, dude, where did you get the porn? Oh come on, don't leave me hanging like this-"
"Honestly!" Hermione huffed, rolling her eyes. "Let's go. Let him find his own way back." Flinging her hair over her shoulder, she rose and walked out of the room.
Harry and Frodo hurriedly crammed whatever remaining sweets they could into their cloak pockets and picked up the remaining slices of mudcake. "Maybe if we ask Ron really nicely, he'll lend us that porn magazine when he gets back," Harry whispered hopefully to Frodo as they walked after Hermione.
"Porn?" Frodo squinted in bewilderment. "Isn't that a type of grain?"
"You and Seamus have got to talk," Harry said.
Ahead of them Hermione screamed. Standing over her was a tall hooded figure. Frodo fell to the ground and screamed, clutching his shoulder. The figure removed his hood. It was Faramir. "What are you doing out of your common area after dark?" he asked.
"Jeez, don't scare us like that," Frodo said, standing back up and dusting off his cloak. "Brings back bad memories, you know?"
"Sorry," Faramir said. "But what "are" you doing here?"
"Funny, as a prefect I should be asking you the same thing," Hermione snapped, glaring up at him. Brown eyes bored into blue. "Fine then, I will. What are "you" doing out of "your" common area after dark?"
"I asked you first," Faramir said.
"I asked you second," Hermione retorted. "But I can queue-jump. I'm a prefect, you see."
"Guys, this is getting infantile," Harry said, rolling his eyes.
"Funny you should mention that," Faramir said. "You see," he pushed back his cloak, showing something silver and gleaming on his chest, "as of this evening, I am a prefect too."
Hermione gaped.
"Yes, it turns out that this year's male Ravenclaw prefect was caught in a very compromising position in the Forbidden Forest with a centaur," Faramir continued stiffly. Ron and Harry both clapped hands over their mouths. "He has since been expelled and sent on his way to Durmstrang. Professor McGonagall suggested that I was the ideal replacement. She seems quite taken with me, for some reason."
"Well, I think I did pretty well in making it as a prefect considering that, bearing in mind the gender of my house head, I had to rule out seduction as a means of assimilating that role," Hermione snapped. "And as much "respect" as I have for my "fellow" prefects, I must regretfully take five points off Ravenclaw for a student being out of his common area after dark."
"Ah, but it is my duty night," Faramir was almost smiling as he said this. "I am permitted to remain in the halls at this time. You, on the other hand, are not. Twenty points off Gryffindor, five for each student. I also vaguely recall something about you threatening to take points of whatever house my brother was sorted into back at Kings Cross. That house turned out to be your own. By my calculations that now leaves you twenty five points in deficit."
For a moment the three Gryffindor boys thought Hermione was going to hit Faramir. She clenched and unclenched her fists at her side, her face bright red with anger. Eventually she hissed, "Well, I should give you detentions for a month for having such a stupid prat as a brother. Thanks to him lying in my bed waiting to give me the hickey of my life after I got back from my shower, I will not get any sleep tonight. And tomorrow night is "my" duty night. It will be a very, very long day, and you have your idiotic brother to thank for that!" She brushed past Faramir and stormed off.
The four boys glanced bemusedly at each other. "Hormonal, maybe?" Frodo eventually suggested delicately. "I know a cup of tea for that."
When they arrived back at the common room not only was Hermione still downstairs, but Lavender and Parvati had joined her too. "Are Merry and Pippin still making that much noise?" Frodo asked.
"No, Boromir got sick of waiting for Hermione to come back, so he tried it on with me, then with Lavender when that didn't work," Parvati announced loftily. "I don't know who he thinks he's fooling. He's gross, he's smelly, he snores, and he doesn't even know what star sign he is! Someone that loud and obnoxious can only be a Leo."
Ron had gone bright red.
"And when he got into bed with me, he tried to convince me that he had a nightmare," Lavender huffed. "Honestly! On Saturday night I dreamt about Draco Malfoy in a pink tutu singing "I'm Just A Sweet Transvestite" from The Rocky Horror Show. Now "that's" what I call a nightmare."
"I don't think Dean would agree with you on that one," Harry said. "Good night girls."
As the three boys made their way upstairs, they heard Merry and Pippin still singing, "This is the song that doesn't end."
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A/N: Okay, because I missed a chapter of reviews this is kind of confusing. First I'll have the chapter six reviews, then the ones for chapter five. I'm still having trouble with reviews not making it onto the page, but they do still get sent to my email so I get to read them that way. Thank you everyone for your kind comments, they got me through a tough exam period!
Another Rachel: Yes, Boromir is a sleaze. Hope you enjoyed "WALHFMF."
Celeblas Elentari Manwe: lol, thanks! And a repeat reviewer! Welcome!
Herringprincess: Wow, I'm happy someone thinks it's improving as I go along ("getting better and better"), there are moments when I think it may be doing the opposite! I too am looking forward to some delicious brothers of Gondor sibling rivalry.
Lady Laura: Glad you liked the part where Hermione hits on Draco. I didn't plan it but inspiration struck. So now she has both Boromir and Draco lusting after her! Silly (or lucky, depending on your tastes) girl.
Millenium Slinky: Love the nick. Eowyn has the perfect Goth personality (IMHO) and Faramir...well...*shrugs and glomps him*. Thanks for all the lovely comments, I'm very flattered.
MissLexiRe: Glad you like it!
Shewhodares: Boromir is such a goon! Hermione will be tearing out her hair. And I must find a woman for poor Sam. Hmm, plot bunny!
Tori: Yeah, there always seem to be angry girls with sharp objects in their hands in my fics. Perhaps I should write Buffy fanfic? ;p Boromir and Draco may both be after our Hermione, but don't forget Faramir. And yes, I did mean to say "Divination." At least they rhyme ;). Aragorn's in Ravenclaw, not Slytherin. Not a popular decision, but in the book when he's not dicing up orcs he always seems to be talking about ancient folklore and singing poetry, so it I thought it may work. And thanks for wishing me luck on my exams!
* * * * *
Aislynn Crowdaughter: As I explained above, Aragorn does have many Ravenclaw tendencies. I couldn't put every single person in Gryffindor and out of the LOTR characters, I thought that he and Faramir would be most at home there. Remember Ravenclaws must be wise and fond of lore, and Aragorn especially with his story-telling and songs fits that group. Also many Gryffindors seem to be "heedless" risk-takers, and Aragorn only pursues danger when it's necessary. He isn't heroic for the sake of heroism, unlike Boromir, and is not a glory seeker. Come to think of it, I could almost put him in Hufflepuff! IMHO, Eowyn does not belong in Slytherin and Legolas is there for a reason (although if I was to sort him according to personality, I'd put him in Ravenclaw). Thanks for your comments on Harry, Hermione and Ron. I'm usually not interested in ficcing them but I kind of like them in crossover format. Having said all that thanks for your critiques. It's like having a very good beta.
Bant: Agreed on the Ravenclaw thing. I'd be pretty smart after living 2,931 years too! And yes, aren't I evil leaving a cliffhanger?
Celeblas Elentari Manwe: Such a pretty nick. I'm considering hiring an Auror to protect me from the amount of people who don't like me putting Legiloo in Slytherin. But glad you otherwise enjoyed the fic.
Huan theWolfhound: Thanks for the comments. I liked the pipe scene too. I'm looking to put as many LOTR "inside jokes" as I can in this, as you saw with the part that had the Ringwraith flashback when Faramir meets Frodo and the marvellous three in the hallway.
InDreams: Thanks! I like your nick too *hums FOTR soundtrack*
Lady Laura: Yes, poor Sam being separated from Frodo. At least he's in the company of nice people though.
MoroTheWolfGod: Yet another fangirl (grabs Boromir's shield off him while he's ogling Hermione and cowers behind it). Can't tell you at this stage whether he'll be a baddie or not. Sorry!
Ola: Thanks! You seemed to enjoy reading it almost as much as I did writing it.
Saturndragon: Yes, Legolas would work in Hufflepuff. I like him in Slytherin though, if only because he looks hot in green! No, I did have a concrete reason for putting him there.
Shewhodares: Thanks for your reviews as always! Yes, Boromir and Hermione just crack me up, but I have someone better (or at least smarter) in store for her. Glad you could see Aragorn in Ravenclaw, but I think people got a bit confused and thought I'd put Eowyn in Slytherin when really she's in Hufflepuff. Hopefully my author's note got that sorted out.
Many thanks to you all,
Moi
GRYFFINDOR: Frodo Baggins, Boromir, Meriadic Brandybuck, Peregrin Took
HUFFLEPUFF: Samwise Gamgee, Eowyn Shieldmaiden
RAVENCLAW: Aragorn, Faramir
SLYTHERIN: Arwen, Eomer, Legolas (and Gollum by default as Arwen's house elf)
Obviously I could not put every single person in Gryffindor (because if I was to be accurate most would be there), but I think bearing that in mind, I got it pretty close. Eowyn stood by her uncle for years watching both his kingdom and his health fall into decay, yet held her tongue and silently went about her duties. Now if that's not a Hufflepuff, I don't know what is. And some stuff I said that would happen in this chapter actually happens in the next. This one just sort of reached a natural closure point and I have my last exam tomorrow, so I wanted to get this up for your perusal.
Enjoy!
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Chapter Seven: Porn, isn't that a type of Grain?
"Five green bottles hanging on the wall - THUMP, THUMP - Five green bottles hanging on the wall - THUMP, THUMP - If one green bottle should accidentally fall - THUMP - ow, Merry, my head! - There'll be four green bottles hanging on the wall!"
"When will they ever shut up?" Ron moaned to Harry. "It's four o'clock in the morning!"
Harry groaned and burrowed his head beneath his pillow. Everyone else had long gone to bed but his new housemates, Merry and Pippin, had been jumping up and down on the four-poster bed that they shared. They were now in the final innings of their song, which had started at "One hundred thousand green bottles hanging on the wall."
Ron opened the curtains around his bed. Frodo Baggins was sitting on his bed, reading a ponderous-looking novel. Stepping onto the cold stone floor and tip-toeing over to him, Ron whispered, "Are they always like this?"
"Oh, this is pretty good for them," Frodo shrugged. "At least this time the lyrics aren't obscene. And they haven't started singing-"
"THIS IS THE SONG THAT DOESN'T END! IT JUST GOES ON AND ON, MY FRIEND! SOME PEOPLE STARTED SINGING IT NOT KNOWING WHAT IT WAS! AND THEY CONTINUED SINGING IT FOR EVER JUST BECAUSE THIS IS THE SONG THAT DOESN'T END-"
"Yep, that's the one," Frodo confirmed. Ron started tearing out his hair.
Harry exploded out from his curtains, wrapping his robe around himself. "Right, I can't take this anymore," he said. "It's useless trying to get some sleep with all this din going on. Who's up for taking a trip downstairs and visiting the house elves for some coffee?"
"Count me in," Ron said, yawning. "You coming, Frodo?"
"Yeah, why not?" the hobbit shrugged, scrambling down the side of the bed and sliding his feet into his slippers. "Although I prefer green tea though. It's a much healthier form of caffeine."
"Whatever turns you on," Ron told him.
"Do you have to be so crass all the time?" Harry asked, glaring at him [A/N - He's one to talk]. The three boys departed the dorm.
They were clearly not the only ones disturbed by Merry and Pippin's "bed- thumping." Colin and Dennis Creevey were downstairs, yawning and scratching sleep from their eyes. A crowd of younger boys were also in the common room, some cat-napping in the leather armchairs. Being one of the senior dorms, the sixth year boys' bedroom was on one of the top floors, and the noise had obviously travelled down to the floors below.
Hermione was also downstairs, her brown curls scattered around her face. Much to everyone's relief, she had outgrown the hideous pink gown she had worn in her first year and was now wearing a cherry red flannel robe over her pyjamas. "The noise travels all the way to the girls' dorms too?" Ron asked her.
"No, Boromir is in my bed," Hermione said icily. "I got back from my shower and he was in there waiting for me. I didn't realise it until I was actually in bed. He was happy to see me. Don't ask me how I know that."
"Is he still happy to see you?" Harry asked.
"No," Hermione responded. "It has something to do with how I got rid of him." Ron and Harry both winced. "Needless to say I've been down here all evening," she continued. "How he found out the password to the girls' dorms, I'll never know - Ron, why are you whistling?"
The four sixth years walked down the hall and found the portrait with the tickling fruit, the secret entry to the kitchen. True to his word, Frodo ordered green tea, which Hermione instantly bonded over with him, using the occasion to lecture Harry and Ron on the evils of coffee.
"We'll see who's still standing during Binns lecture," Ron told her, reaching for his second expresso.
"Hello, Hermione Miss!" a voice squeaked, and Winky stood next to them, wringing her hands eagerly in her apron. "How may I been of service to you?"
"We're fine now, thanks," Ron said, beginning to shake from his coffee.
"How's Dobby?" Harry asked her.
"He is not only still being paid, Harry Potter sir," Winky's voice dropped to a whisper, her large brown eyes solemn and grave, "but he is now demanding a raise and a promotion and a corner office. He is a disgrace to all good house elves. Next, sir, he will be demanding mental health days and maternity leave!"
"Yes, disgraceful, he doesn't need maternity leave," Ron agreed through chattering teeth. Hermione shot him a dark look. "Oh, come on, he's a male! It was a joke, Herm!"
"How often do I have to ask you not to call me that?" she snapped.
"But I'm not even sure what word it's supposed to sound close to," Ron protested. Frodo put down his cup of tea and whispered in his ear. "Oh," said Ron, and turned bright red.
"Now, Hermione Granger ma'am, are you sure there is nothing you are wanting?" Winky persisted.
"No, I'm fine, thank you, Winky," Hermione said. Her stomach growled in protest. "I hate to impose upon you. You know how much I object to indentured servants and slave labour."
Winky looked almost sly. "There is a lovely mudcake I have just finished icing."
Hermione was a woman caught between her morals and a mouth-watering slice of chocolate cake. She glanced from Harry, who pretended to be engrossed in a spot on the ceiling, and Ron, who was trying not to giggle. "Well, if it's already made-" she began.
"Excellent! Here you are, Hermione ma'am!" Winky snapped her fingers, and an entire mudcake appeared on her lap. Ron reached over and grabbed two slices. Frodo did too, but possessing manners that Ron lacked and being a Hobbit, after all, passed over one of the slices to Harry.
A low wailing suddenly broke out from a far corner, causing them all to start. Hunched over was a strange-looking man in black. He had skin so pale that it looked as though it had never seen sunlight and his greasy dark hair was hanging down around his face in clumps. A wart was near one eye. In short he looked like a vampire, but without any form of sex appeal.
"Who's that?" Harry asked, feeling for his wand in his pocket. The person had that kind of impression on people.
"That is Master Dumbledore's latest edition to the kitchen," Winky explained in hushed tones. "He could not find work anywhere else, and Dumbledore often employs those who others may not. Bad Winky, bad!" She stopped and slapped her forehead.
"Er, does she have catatonia?" Frodo asked nervously.
"Nah, it's just what house elves do when they insult their master," Ron shrugged. Hermione glared at him. "Oh, come on!"
"He comes from a land called Rohan," Winky continued, "and his name is Grima Wormtongue."
"Listen, he's trying to speak," Hermione whispered.
"That Eowyn, what a fox," Grima was mumbling. "Damn fine girl. Mother posed for "Maidens Without Their Shields," you know."
"You hear that? He's got porn," Ron whispered awed. Hermione slapped him over the back of his head.
"Yush, women are so hard to please," Grima continued, slurring. "Offered her world domination, a chance to backstab her uncle and brother and drive her people into the mud. Turned it down, that little hussy. And then she chose Aragorn over me, can you believe? Mental, that one. Nice jugs though." He burped and slid unconscious off his stool. A bevy of house elves instantly rushed over and threw a tablecloth over him, ashamed at the sight.
"That was weird," Harry said. "Who's up for heading back?"
"Hang on, I have to instigate this a little more," Ron declared stoutly, getting up and walking over to the drunk and passed out Grima. Bending down, he started to shake him by the arm. "Dude? Hey, dude, where did you get the porn? Oh come on, don't leave me hanging like this-"
"Honestly!" Hermione huffed, rolling her eyes. "Let's go. Let him find his own way back." Flinging her hair over her shoulder, she rose and walked out of the room.
Harry and Frodo hurriedly crammed whatever remaining sweets they could into their cloak pockets and picked up the remaining slices of mudcake. "Maybe if we ask Ron really nicely, he'll lend us that porn magazine when he gets back," Harry whispered hopefully to Frodo as they walked after Hermione.
"Porn?" Frodo squinted in bewilderment. "Isn't that a type of grain?"
"You and Seamus have got to talk," Harry said.
Ahead of them Hermione screamed. Standing over her was a tall hooded figure. Frodo fell to the ground and screamed, clutching his shoulder. The figure removed his hood. It was Faramir. "What are you doing out of your common area after dark?" he asked.
"Jeez, don't scare us like that," Frodo said, standing back up and dusting off his cloak. "Brings back bad memories, you know?"
"Sorry," Faramir said. "But what "are" you doing here?"
"Funny, as a prefect I should be asking you the same thing," Hermione snapped, glaring up at him. Brown eyes bored into blue. "Fine then, I will. What are "you" doing out of "your" common area after dark?"
"I asked you first," Faramir said.
"I asked you second," Hermione retorted. "But I can queue-jump. I'm a prefect, you see."
"Guys, this is getting infantile," Harry said, rolling his eyes.
"Funny you should mention that," Faramir said. "You see," he pushed back his cloak, showing something silver and gleaming on his chest, "as of this evening, I am a prefect too."
Hermione gaped.
"Yes, it turns out that this year's male Ravenclaw prefect was caught in a very compromising position in the Forbidden Forest with a centaur," Faramir continued stiffly. Ron and Harry both clapped hands over their mouths. "He has since been expelled and sent on his way to Durmstrang. Professor McGonagall suggested that I was the ideal replacement. She seems quite taken with me, for some reason."
"Well, I think I did pretty well in making it as a prefect considering that, bearing in mind the gender of my house head, I had to rule out seduction as a means of assimilating that role," Hermione snapped. "And as much "respect" as I have for my "fellow" prefects, I must regretfully take five points off Ravenclaw for a student being out of his common area after dark."
"Ah, but it is my duty night," Faramir was almost smiling as he said this. "I am permitted to remain in the halls at this time. You, on the other hand, are not. Twenty points off Gryffindor, five for each student. I also vaguely recall something about you threatening to take points of whatever house my brother was sorted into back at Kings Cross. That house turned out to be your own. By my calculations that now leaves you twenty five points in deficit."
For a moment the three Gryffindor boys thought Hermione was going to hit Faramir. She clenched and unclenched her fists at her side, her face bright red with anger. Eventually she hissed, "Well, I should give you detentions for a month for having such a stupid prat as a brother. Thanks to him lying in my bed waiting to give me the hickey of my life after I got back from my shower, I will not get any sleep tonight. And tomorrow night is "my" duty night. It will be a very, very long day, and you have your idiotic brother to thank for that!" She brushed past Faramir and stormed off.
The four boys glanced bemusedly at each other. "Hormonal, maybe?" Frodo eventually suggested delicately. "I know a cup of tea for that."
When they arrived back at the common room not only was Hermione still downstairs, but Lavender and Parvati had joined her too. "Are Merry and Pippin still making that much noise?" Frodo asked.
"No, Boromir got sick of waiting for Hermione to come back, so he tried it on with me, then with Lavender when that didn't work," Parvati announced loftily. "I don't know who he thinks he's fooling. He's gross, he's smelly, he snores, and he doesn't even know what star sign he is! Someone that loud and obnoxious can only be a Leo."
Ron had gone bright red.
"And when he got into bed with me, he tried to convince me that he had a nightmare," Lavender huffed. "Honestly! On Saturday night I dreamt about Draco Malfoy in a pink tutu singing "I'm Just A Sweet Transvestite" from The Rocky Horror Show. Now "that's" what I call a nightmare."
"I don't think Dean would agree with you on that one," Harry said. "Good night girls."
As the three boys made their way upstairs, they heard Merry and Pippin still singing, "This is the song that doesn't end."
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A/N: Okay, because I missed a chapter of reviews this is kind of confusing. First I'll have the chapter six reviews, then the ones for chapter five. I'm still having trouble with reviews not making it onto the page, but they do still get sent to my email so I get to read them that way. Thank you everyone for your kind comments, they got me through a tough exam period!
Another Rachel: Yes, Boromir is a sleaze. Hope you enjoyed "WALHFMF."
Celeblas Elentari Manwe: lol, thanks! And a repeat reviewer! Welcome!
Herringprincess: Wow, I'm happy someone thinks it's improving as I go along ("getting better and better"), there are moments when I think it may be doing the opposite! I too am looking forward to some delicious brothers of Gondor sibling rivalry.
Lady Laura: Glad you liked the part where Hermione hits on Draco. I didn't plan it but inspiration struck. So now she has both Boromir and Draco lusting after her! Silly (or lucky, depending on your tastes) girl.
Millenium Slinky: Love the nick. Eowyn has the perfect Goth personality (IMHO) and Faramir...well...*shrugs and glomps him*. Thanks for all the lovely comments, I'm very flattered.
MissLexiRe: Glad you like it!
Shewhodares: Boromir is such a goon! Hermione will be tearing out her hair. And I must find a woman for poor Sam. Hmm, plot bunny!
Tori: Yeah, there always seem to be angry girls with sharp objects in their hands in my fics. Perhaps I should write Buffy fanfic? ;p Boromir and Draco may both be after our Hermione, but don't forget Faramir. And yes, I did mean to say "Divination." At least they rhyme ;). Aragorn's in Ravenclaw, not Slytherin. Not a popular decision, but in the book when he's not dicing up orcs he always seems to be talking about ancient folklore and singing poetry, so it I thought it may work. And thanks for wishing me luck on my exams!
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Aislynn Crowdaughter: As I explained above, Aragorn does have many Ravenclaw tendencies. I couldn't put every single person in Gryffindor and out of the LOTR characters, I thought that he and Faramir would be most at home there. Remember Ravenclaws must be wise and fond of lore, and Aragorn especially with his story-telling and songs fits that group. Also many Gryffindors seem to be "heedless" risk-takers, and Aragorn only pursues danger when it's necessary. He isn't heroic for the sake of heroism, unlike Boromir, and is not a glory seeker. Come to think of it, I could almost put him in Hufflepuff! IMHO, Eowyn does not belong in Slytherin and Legolas is there for a reason (although if I was to sort him according to personality, I'd put him in Ravenclaw). Thanks for your comments on Harry, Hermione and Ron. I'm usually not interested in ficcing them but I kind of like them in crossover format. Having said all that thanks for your critiques. It's like having a very good beta.
Bant: Agreed on the Ravenclaw thing. I'd be pretty smart after living 2,931 years too! And yes, aren't I evil leaving a cliffhanger?
Celeblas Elentari Manwe: Such a pretty nick. I'm considering hiring an Auror to protect me from the amount of people who don't like me putting Legiloo in Slytherin. But glad you otherwise enjoyed the fic.
Huan theWolfhound: Thanks for the comments. I liked the pipe scene too. I'm looking to put as many LOTR "inside jokes" as I can in this, as you saw with the part that had the Ringwraith flashback when Faramir meets Frodo and the marvellous three in the hallway.
InDreams: Thanks! I like your nick too *hums FOTR soundtrack*
Lady Laura: Yes, poor Sam being separated from Frodo. At least he's in the company of nice people though.
MoroTheWolfGod: Yet another fangirl (grabs Boromir's shield off him while he's ogling Hermione and cowers behind it). Can't tell you at this stage whether he'll be a baddie or not. Sorry!
Ola: Thanks! You seemed to enjoy reading it almost as much as I did writing it.
Saturndragon: Yes, Legolas would work in Hufflepuff. I like him in Slytherin though, if only because he looks hot in green! No, I did have a concrete reason for putting him there.
Shewhodares: Thanks for your reviews as always! Yes, Boromir and Hermione just crack me up, but I have someone better (or at least smarter) in store for her. Glad you could see Aragorn in Ravenclaw, but I think people got a bit confused and thought I'd put Eowyn in Slytherin when really she's in Hufflepuff. Hopefully my author's note got that sorted out.
Many thanks to you all,
Moi