To Whom It May Concern
By Margaret MacEaver
Author's Notes: Any wayward punctuation is intentional and hopefully serves to enhance characterization rather than detract from the story. This was dashed off as a joke for my fellow Femme Marauders, so this goes out to them: my reluctant Wormtail, my Lupus Lupin, and Padfoot, the speeding motorcycle of my heart.
-- -- --
Here follows a COMPLETELY
FACUTAL and 100% NOT BIASED account of the events leading to me
being in a horribly unpleasant condition. Anyone found enjoying the
contents of the following account will be summarily transfigured into a
cockroach and squashed under the heel of my trainer. Don't think I'm
kidding.
Home on summer hols you'd think I'd be safe from Snivellus and his foul brews (and
breath) for a few months at least but no, but OWN CLOSEST FRIENDS
conspire against me to make it otherwise.
I tell you, you lot sure can hold a grudge. All right, so Filch caught
you buggers and not me on our last spectacular prank at school (incidentally,
brill idea on sabotaging the prefects' bathroom, Sirius. If you three
hadn't been writing lines in detention all the next morning you would have
loved to see the looks on the blighters' faces. But I digress.) But
I wouldn't have expected you to be sore about it so long! Because when it
comes down to it it is MY invisibility cloak after all and if I'd waited to try
to cram the lot of us under it we'd all've been nabbed wouldn't we and then no
one would have gotten to see the spectacular results. (Maybe if next time
I take a picture you won't sulk, is that it?) I don't think I deserved
this completely underhanded retaliation, I maintain I did nothing wrong. After
all, there's nothing in our code of morals about all for one and all that rot.
We're marauders, not musketeers.
But ickle babies that you are you just had to nurse the grudge for a bloody
month, didn't you? Don't think I haven't figured you out.
FACT: Moony did floo to my house for the weekend and in the course of
the stay ask if I could owl him my latest copy of Which Broomstick when
I was finished with it.
FACT: Being a noble Gryffindor and true to my word and NOT
SUSPECTING MY FRIENDS WOULD BE PLOTTING AGAINST ME, I did send Batbait to Moony
the very next week.
FACT: Rather than sending Batbait back promptly, Messrs. Moony and
Sirius did a most loathsome and underhanded thing. Using my owl,
they sent Snivellus a package.
FACT: Upon reception of said package, my sources tell me, Snivellus experienced
an explosion that nearly blew his great honking honker off his face.
(Which I'm sure was a great disappointment to him as then he could have had St
Mungo's replace it with something handsome, well-proportioned, and estheticly
pleasing like my own. But luck for us as Snape's nose lives to endure
ridicule another day.)
FACT: Snape did recognize Batbait, AS, I ALLEGE IN THE FULLEST
CONFIDENCE, WAS MESSRS. MOONY AND PADFOOT'S INTENT, and the slimy git being too
thick to realize I would never be so daft as to send my own owl on a
potentially incriminating delivery like that, did set about immediately
plotting revenge.
FACT: And so it is that when my owl returned from its
destination--I PRESUMED MOONY'S--with no note but a flask of Ogden's Old
Firewhisky I assumed the werewolf-formerly-known-as-my-friend was merely
wordlessly expressing his thanks for the Which Broomstick (which has an
excellent article on aceleration charm deterioration on page 17 if you haven't
taken a look yet). However upon imbibing the apparent Firewhisky, I
discovered IT WASN'T FIREWHISKY AFTER ALL BUT SOME BLOODY NASTY POTION AND
NOW I CAN'T TALK AND IT HAS BEEN THREE HOURS ALREADY AND I CAN'T MAKE A SOUND
AT ALL.
REMUS HELP DOES IT HAVE AN ANTIDOTE. WILL IT WEAR OFF?? HELP
HELP CAN'T TALK GOING MAD. SIRIUS YOU DON'T TRY TO HELP YOU'LL PROBABLY
GIVE ME SOMETHING TO MAKE MY EARS FALL OFF OR SOMETHING. AND DON'T YOU
TALK TO REMUS EITHER OR YOU'LL CONVINCE HIM TO MAKE ME SOMETHING TO MAKE MY
EARS FALL OFF. REMUS DON'T TALK TO SIRIUS HELP HELP MUST TALK MADNESS
APPROACHING!!
...There may be a
silver lining, however. Sent Batbait and the flask of so-called
Firewhisky on to Wormtail's. Tomorrow we'll see if he took a sip as
well...
Yours,
Prongs
PS Oh and one word of advice, mates... WATCH YOUR BACKS!!!
(alright that was three words but it's an expression isnt it?)