This is set after my untitled fic, since I thought I could put
a bit more bout Tala's past. It's kind of his thoughts on his
past, and everything like that. So yeah.....
Squirrel of Shadows: Well, heres more of my supposed writing...more just rambling about anime characters to me but still....So many ppl tell me that they hated Tala, then they read this and say they feel sorry for him...........^_^
Radical Aisha: Here's more of that Kai/Rei fic u asked for! ^_^ hehe..the way u put it made it sound like a kellogs ad. 'eat our cornflakes for all the vitamins and minerals u need in a day!' not baggin u or cornflakes there.....spooky alien? Wow, I never had that one before. I've been called weird, freak, bitch, things like that, uh, kenni I'm also known as, and tala. ^_^ I respond to so many things..I also respond to 'hey you!' just in case they really were talking to me.
Delores L: This is kinda another fic, but a continuation of the other at the same time....making any sense here? I didn't think so. *runs off to find something to eat*
a/n: this is tala's POV.
on with the fic!
Great. Now everyone thinks I'm totally insane. Really, there's nothing wrong with me....ok, so my whole life I was tortured, made to torture other people. But why didn't I see it before now how cruel I really was?
Was I really that blinded as to not realize how much I was hurting people, killing them? I've wasted my life, and now I'm stuck here. Here being the hospital. They think I need mental help, but really?
Thinking about it, I see why they would think I need to be here. Let's see here. I used to kill people. I tortured them. I tried to kill myself. So really, it's no surprise.
But now, I'm just scared. I might have once been Tala, but now, I don't know if I'm the same person. All these memories that I have tried so hard to forget over the years....they haunt my dreams. Every night, I see my parents being murdered once again. Again and again. It plays like a continuous horror movie. I can't stand it. One day, I'm really going to go insane. Right now, I'm just unstable about everything.
Everything confuses me. All the things trapped in my mind. I guess in a way, if it makes any sense at all, I feel sorry for my thoughts. I mean, always trapped, never being able to get a point across. In a way, if that makes any sense at all.
Frightened. I realize it now. I know this feeling, I'm scared. Me? Scared? I already thought it. I'm not Tala anymore. I don't feel like the Tala I was forced to be. I feel like the Tala I was ten years ago. Frightened, confused, and worried about what was going to happen to me.
~*~*~*~*~*~*
Sitting here, I see nothing interesting outside. On the window sill, staring out at the snow, ice and wind. All of it I see differently to before. My clothes are finally different, even if they are now only plain pants and a shirt. My hair released from how it was before, it now hangs limply, falling over my shoulders, reaching to the top of my back.
It is still bright orange, nothing I can do about that. I have to put up with it. I guess it's one of the only things that is still that same about me from when I last saw my parents. The other thing is....well, my beyblade. No matter what Boris things, Wolberg is the only one of the bit-beasts in BioVolt that is not the soul of a living creature.
Wolberg, the only thing I still own that was given to me by my parents. My father was saving it until my sixth birthday. But luckily for me, he had given it to me for Christmas. Otherwise, I never would have received it. The only thing.....I guess that's not very good is it? At my age, the only thing I own is a BeyBlade. Big deal, so do most people these days, and they only use them for games. Wolberg has won all my matches since then, with the exception of the World Finals.
Putting Wolberg back on the table beside the bed, I retreat once again to the windowsill. Pulling my knees up to my chest, there is nothing for me to do but cry. I can't. I won't. Me? I refuse.
But before I can stop myself, I feel a tear running down my face, hitting the pale skin of my cheeks, that have not felt a thing against them since the age of five except for the wind, and occasional slap. But I was mostly hit in the arm or chest, but apart from that....Nothing. No tears especially.
I can't believe it. This is all a nightmare. I'll wake up and find that I'm still in the Abbey, curled up in my room on the floor, most likely with a trail of blood seeping from somewhere. I can't be crying, it's not possible, it doesn't compute. I DON'T GET IT!
With all my anger, I lash out, only to hit my hand on the side of the drawers. I hate that. But I don't feel the pain, only the pain inside of not being able to successfully hurt anything right now. So weak, I've become so weak......Won't that get a laugh? The once fearless BeyBlader is now scared and weak. I can see it now. Everyone laughing at me, all of them looking at me......I won't be able to take it.
Is that all that ever happened to me there? Was I really just used to torture people and then hurt if I didn't obey? I didn't see it............How could I have missed something like that? I guess I was asleep most of my life, not literally, more not aware of myself. I think I thought that my parents murder was my fault.....In a way though, it is........
They were murdered because of my existence......murdered because I was the one that they wanted. They were murdered because they wanted to take a child, who would have no idea what was happening to him. I don't really remember much of the first year or two at the Abbey. I remember slight details, but it's probably better that I don't remember more. When I am asleep, images come into my dreams, memories, horrible ones. I was only five, yet I was forced to work in the lab, abused,
raped and god knows what else. Five. Only five and I was raped. I still don't believe it. I don't know who by, but all I remember is crying out for anyone, all I wanted back then was for it to end. I waited day after day, hoping that by some chance, one of my relatives were still alive. But my parents had told me only weeks before that we were the only remaining ones in our family, since my Uncle and his family had been murdered too. That leaves me wondering why my entire family, all my relations were murdered but me.
Perhaps it was because of our heritage. My great-grandfather had almost been kicked out of Russia during the war, but was allowed to stay for some reason. It was because he was a very rich man, who had been respected for quite a long time. But since then, he had been hated by almost all the people that knew his story since he was the only one who was allowed to stay in his home. Once the war had ended, he was murdered, leaving my grandfather as an infant. Or, that's what I was told by my parents.
So people were out to kill my entire family. So why not me? I'm the only one left, they could have everything that belonged to us. All his belongings then were passed on to my Grandfather, then my parents. I don't even know how rich my family was, since I was only five, and didn't really care about it. But I have overheard Boris sometimes, talking about how it is all hidden somewhere. But it is that simple to gain all the money, so why does Voltaire not let him kill me too?
I'm not sure all my information is correct, but as it is what I was told by my parents, I believe them.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Great, hospital food. And then they give me pills, I guess they're to make me less insane. But I'm not, so they don't do anything. My mere existence here pushes people to the limits. I was sent here to improve, but have not spoken about anything I was supposed to. In the week I have been here, I must have only said three things. 'I'm not insane', 'I don't need help', and 'Piss off'.
Standing slowly from the windowsill, I hurriedly wipe my eyes, wiping away the tears. Sitting crossed-legged on the bed, I pull
the table towards me. It looks disgusting. I can't even tell what it is. There is a small jug of water there too, alongside a tiny plastic cup with three pills in it. A blue one, a red one and a white one. I shove them in my mouth, taking a mouthful of water to swallow them. Poking at the food, I decide that it is not safe to eat, and push it away.
Pulling the covers up, I decide to sleep. My hair falls in my face, but I don't bother to move it. As I feel my eyes starting to close, I don't know if I am already asleep and dreaming, but I swear I see my mother. She sits beside me, stroking my hair. She doesn't say anything, and then, disappears. That's when I realize I have fallen asleep. I see them coming again, to murder her. This is a real nightmare. I saw it again, her murder, and my father. No, they're coming.....I can't let them, no, not again...please, stay away from me.....not again.....please, leave me, pain, pain, pain....I can't take it much longer, not
again. I can't wake up, why won't I wake up?
Suddenly, a hand grabs my shoulder, forcing me awake. It's one of the nurses. I was kicking and screaming. I must have woken the entire ward. Breathing heavily, I manage to force out the words.
"Rape.....they raped me....."
She looks totally confused.
"The ones that murdered my parents....they raped me......I don't know how many times......"
She is looking like she might pass out. Well, I don't say anything but tell people to piss of, so when I wake up screaming and try to explain about being raped, you'd think the nurse would be a bit freaked out. Before I can say anything else, she has left the room, left me there, hyperventilating and scared more than I have been in ten years. What do I do now? There is no one left in my family, I have no friends, and right now, not even anyone who will listen to me.
It takes almost ten minutes for my breathing to slow again. Ten entire minutes of silence when all I really want to do right now is scream and then die. I can't take it; I want a reason for all this......
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I don't dare to go back to sleep, I don't want it to happen again. I sit up all night; it takes that long for someone to even realize a fifteen year old had told a nurse he had been raped. By the time the head of the ward comes in, I have been sitting there for hours. I guess they were a bit worried when they saw me standing there, my face must look scared. They lead me down the hall, to another ward. Great. Just what I need. To be moved into a ward full of people like me. In my pocket is Wolberg. I clutch it in my fist as I am lead through the few people that are talking, and into a room. At least its a
single room. I hate being around people.
I automatically retreat to the window, sitting down as usual. The doctor comes in, asks why I have been brought here. I can't help it. I'm scared, confused, worried all at the same time. I don't know what else to do, but get my point across.
"I WAS FIVE YEARS OLD WHEN MY PARENTS WERE MURDERED, AND THEN I WAS RAPED CONTINUOUSLY FOR ALMOST TWO YEARS!! THEN, WHENEVER I DID SOMETHING WRONG! I THINK THAT GIVES A PERSON RIGHTS TO AT LEAST TELL SOMEONE ABOUT IT!!" I yell, totally unaware of how loud I am.
All the people in the ward try to look for the cause of the nose, but I sprint to the bathroom, locking myself in. I pull my knees to my chest, and begin to cry. It is so unusual to me. The salty tears burn my face, leaving wet trails behind them as they slide down and hit the floor.
I'm shaking like a leaf, I don't know why. I never even remembered all the days of torture, and only slightly remember the first year of being raped. The second is more clear. I don't know who it was, but I remember the pain getting worse. Then, as i got older, i would do as i was told. But if something wasn't to Boris's liking, i would be raped again. It happened so often. He always found something that i wasn't doing right. It wasn't him though. I never saw their faces. Every day, I screamed out in pain, my throat must have been raw.
So what to do now? Run away and most likely die after a few days, or stay here for a while, until I at least get heard. I opt to stay, but do I really want to? No. When I was young, if people hurt me, my mother would always comfort me. But now, I have learnt that there is no one in this world that cares about me. Right now, all I need is to be comforted. But it's not going to happen. I curl up on the floor, and fall asleep.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
When I awake, I find myself still curled up on the bathroom floor. Opening my eyes, waking into another day of hell. I can't take it here. I open the door, and there is a nurse waiting there. She looks relived that I am still here, but I don't know why.
"What?" I ask, my voice flat.
"You fell asleep. You have to stay in this ward now, but you have to go to a counsellor everyday as well."
"WHAT? I WAS RAPED! THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO KNOW! IT'S STUCK THERE, THERE'S NO WAY TO GET RID OF THAT PAIN INSIDE, AND TO KNOW IT IS EVEN WORSE, REMEMBERING THAT PAIN AND THE FACE OF THE PEOPLE RAPING YOU, WATCHING, GRINNING EVILLY! IT'S TERRIBLE! THERE'S NOTHING ANYONE CAN DO NOW! IT'S TOO LATE! IT WAS EIGHT YEARS AGO THEY FINALLY STOPPED! TWO YEARS THEY HAD BEEN RAPING ME FOR! OK?!" I stopped to take deep breath,
and tried to calm down.
"You say you were taken from your parents, who were murdered, ten years ago?"
"Yes," I reply, not looking at her.
She walked off, leaving me to sink to the floor beside the bed. She entered again about half an hour later, followed by the police.
"What the hell is this?" I ask.
"Well, you've been on missing persons for ten years." The head policeman explained.
"But how did I get put there? I mean, I have no relatives."
"One. You have one."
I was shocked. A member of my family was still alive? Who? Knowing that it couldn't be my parents, I didn't really care, but this was just all too much.
A middle age woman walked into the room. I remember her. I know who she is!
"Look at him, he's grown so much!" She exclaimed.
My aunt. My mother's sister. She was always at our place, having tea or something. She had managed to escape from them, the people that were after our family. She looks so much like my mother......they were twins...wait a minute....They were almost impossible to tell apart....the bright orange hair I inherited, except my mother had hazel eyes, and I got the blue from my father. This woman's eyes......they were hazel......my mother.....
I must have been standing there with a look on my face like, I didn't get it or something. She stood there for a few moments, before I realized who she was.
"Mother.......h..how did you survive.....I remember....they stabbed you in the chest......"
Her eyes are full of tears.
"That was your aunt. I had gone out to get something, but hadn't told you. Your aunt was visiting. I returned home, found her and you father dead, and you missing......"
"But, I don't get it. Her last words were keep my boy safe......"
"She always called you that. But when you went missing, I couldn't believe they took you instead of killing you........"
I was standing in shock. My mother was alive. My aunt had been killed. I could.....go home...where I belong....
"Mother......." I stood from the ground, and stood for a few moments before lurching into her arms.
She held me tightly, and I still couldn't believe it.
"Mother....they almost killed me, so close....I almost did it myself....they raped me. They raped me for almost two years straight."
"Don't worry, my boy. They wouldn't have killed you. They knew I was still alive, they just couldn't find me."
"Where were you?"
"That I cannot say. Too many people would overhear, and it might happen again. Tala, I lost you once. My only son, you will be safe once you are home."
"Are you sure?" I ask, shaking again.
"Yes, I lived there for ten years. No one found me. They stopped looking after a while. Didn't want to waste money."
"What about....do I have to come back here?"
"You need to come in twice a week, to counselling. But other than that, no."
Gripping Wolberg in my pocket, I finally felt safe. But somehow, I didn't feel quite as safe as I should. I knew they were still out there, looking for me. But for now, I knew I was safe. Now I must seem like a child or something. But if you think your parents are dead for ten years, you can't help but feel safe when you find out they're still there.
The counselling wasn't all that bad. I had to tell them about everything, the torture, how I was forced to help torture people and kill them, and then about the rapings. I hate talking about it. It brings back all those memories, the bad ones about being raped. I hate it. I wish there was a way I could just forget that entire part of my life, but there isn't. I've learnt to deal with it, but it still hurts inside. I went through all that, and find out that my mother is still alive and well. It hurts knowing that she was there the entire time, but I'll get over it. But the hardest thing is talking about being raped to my mother. It just doesn't seem right. And she doesn't seem like my mother, the one that I remember.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
That's when I awake for real. It was a dream? My mother is still dead, no one is here for me. I'm all alone in a world of darkness. People in the ward are walking outside, I can hear them. I take the chance to open the door, and walk out. There is no one there, just myself. I slump down beside the bed, resting my head in my hands. I can't take it. I had that dream once before, when I was seven. Why didn't I realize it wasn't real? It was worse than a nightmare.
Standing up, I walk out of the room. Up the stairs, and onto the roof. It's freezing. I get ready, the only way I can think of to release pain, to get rid of it, forget about it. Over the edge, I can see just how high up I am.
I position myself, and begin a countdown. 3-2-1.....And I do it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Let it rip!" I cry, sending Wolberg flying through the air. He lands with precision a few feet away. Spinning through the snow, he cuts a path, sending flakes flying up. The cold air blows on my face, freezing my skin. It's a lot better than being cooped up inside. The wind blows my hair in all directions, in front of my face, messing it completely. I clear away some of the snow with Wolberg, then sit down on the stone.
No one. All alone in a huge world. Fifteen years old, and two years of it were spent being raped. Not a good life. And then all the other times in the past few years. When was the last time? Only about two weeks ago. Two weeks. To think the better part of ten years was spent being raped. But if I run away, where will I go? Nowhere. So I stay? Or is that too much for me to bear? What will happen to me?
I walk back inside the building, down the stairs and to the front doors.
"I want to leave." I tell the nurse on duty.
"To go where?"
"I don't know. I'll find a place."
"I can't do that."
"Why? It is a request, and I command you to let me go. I have no family, just let me go!"
"Ok then," She sighed. "But if you get killed, you can't say we didn't try to keep you safe."
Without realizing it, I raised an eyebrow.
"What makes you think I'll be killed?"
"They're out looking for you. If they find you, they'll kill you this time."
"I don't care. I have to go. I can't stand it here. No one listens to me anyway. I try to tell people that I was raped, but do they listen? No. So really, no one will care if I am murdered." I say.
"Ok then." She sighed again.
I walk out into the frigid wind, and start walking. Not sure where, but start on a trip. Somehow, I'll make it. When a five year old survives rape, it can't be that hard to survive outside, where there are a few nice people.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I did it. I found my old home. I figured it out. My parents always wanted me to have the money. It was hidden in the secret room under my bed. I found it all. Knowing I had to survive for a long time, I took it all, shoving it into a bag. I ran all the way to the train station, and after purchasing a ticket, I got on board, and was able to rest the entire trip. I didn't know where I would go, but I would find a way. Sometimes, you just have to forget everything and move on. So forgetting about all the rapings, I stare out into the snow, wondering what will happen to me in a few years time. But until then, I just have to stay alive....and...well, not get raped...again.....
*****************
Owari!
Soooo..............what did u think?! Review? Please?
Squirrel of Shadows: Well, heres more of my supposed writing...more just rambling about anime characters to me but still....So many ppl tell me that they hated Tala, then they read this and say they feel sorry for him...........^_^
Radical Aisha: Here's more of that Kai/Rei fic u asked for! ^_^ hehe..the way u put it made it sound like a kellogs ad. 'eat our cornflakes for all the vitamins and minerals u need in a day!' not baggin u or cornflakes there.....spooky alien? Wow, I never had that one before. I've been called weird, freak, bitch, things like that, uh, kenni I'm also known as, and tala. ^_^ I respond to so many things..I also respond to 'hey you!' just in case they really were talking to me.
Delores L: This is kinda another fic, but a continuation of the other at the same time....making any sense here? I didn't think so. *runs off to find something to eat*
a/n: this is tala's POV.
on with the fic!
Great. Now everyone thinks I'm totally insane. Really, there's nothing wrong with me....ok, so my whole life I was tortured, made to torture other people. But why didn't I see it before now how cruel I really was?
Was I really that blinded as to not realize how much I was hurting people, killing them? I've wasted my life, and now I'm stuck here. Here being the hospital. They think I need mental help, but really?
Thinking about it, I see why they would think I need to be here. Let's see here. I used to kill people. I tortured them. I tried to kill myself. So really, it's no surprise.
But now, I'm just scared. I might have once been Tala, but now, I don't know if I'm the same person. All these memories that I have tried so hard to forget over the years....they haunt my dreams. Every night, I see my parents being murdered once again. Again and again. It plays like a continuous horror movie. I can't stand it. One day, I'm really going to go insane. Right now, I'm just unstable about everything.
Everything confuses me. All the things trapped in my mind. I guess in a way, if it makes any sense at all, I feel sorry for my thoughts. I mean, always trapped, never being able to get a point across. In a way, if that makes any sense at all.
Frightened. I realize it now. I know this feeling, I'm scared. Me? Scared? I already thought it. I'm not Tala anymore. I don't feel like the Tala I was forced to be. I feel like the Tala I was ten years ago. Frightened, confused, and worried about what was going to happen to me.
~*~*~*~*~*~*
Sitting here, I see nothing interesting outside. On the window sill, staring out at the snow, ice and wind. All of it I see differently to before. My clothes are finally different, even if they are now only plain pants and a shirt. My hair released from how it was before, it now hangs limply, falling over my shoulders, reaching to the top of my back.
It is still bright orange, nothing I can do about that. I have to put up with it. I guess it's one of the only things that is still that same about me from when I last saw my parents. The other thing is....well, my beyblade. No matter what Boris things, Wolberg is the only one of the bit-beasts in BioVolt that is not the soul of a living creature.
Wolberg, the only thing I still own that was given to me by my parents. My father was saving it until my sixth birthday. But luckily for me, he had given it to me for Christmas. Otherwise, I never would have received it. The only thing.....I guess that's not very good is it? At my age, the only thing I own is a BeyBlade. Big deal, so do most people these days, and they only use them for games. Wolberg has won all my matches since then, with the exception of the World Finals.
Putting Wolberg back on the table beside the bed, I retreat once again to the windowsill. Pulling my knees up to my chest, there is nothing for me to do but cry. I can't. I won't. Me? I refuse.
But before I can stop myself, I feel a tear running down my face, hitting the pale skin of my cheeks, that have not felt a thing against them since the age of five except for the wind, and occasional slap. But I was mostly hit in the arm or chest, but apart from that....Nothing. No tears especially.
I can't believe it. This is all a nightmare. I'll wake up and find that I'm still in the Abbey, curled up in my room on the floor, most likely with a trail of blood seeping from somewhere. I can't be crying, it's not possible, it doesn't compute. I DON'T GET IT!
With all my anger, I lash out, only to hit my hand on the side of the drawers. I hate that. But I don't feel the pain, only the pain inside of not being able to successfully hurt anything right now. So weak, I've become so weak......Won't that get a laugh? The once fearless BeyBlader is now scared and weak. I can see it now. Everyone laughing at me, all of them looking at me......I won't be able to take it.
Is that all that ever happened to me there? Was I really just used to torture people and then hurt if I didn't obey? I didn't see it............How could I have missed something like that? I guess I was asleep most of my life, not literally, more not aware of myself. I think I thought that my parents murder was my fault.....In a way though, it is........
They were murdered because of my existence......murdered because I was the one that they wanted. They were murdered because they wanted to take a child, who would have no idea what was happening to him. I don't really remember much of the first year or two at the Abbey. I remember slight details, but it's probably better that I don't remember more. When I am asleep, images come into my dreams, memories, horrible ones. I was only five, yet I was forced to work in the lab, abused,
raped and god knows what else. Five. Only five and I was raped. I still don't believe it. I don't know who by, but all I remember is crying out for anyone, all I wanted back then was for it to end. I waited day after day, hoping that by some chance, one of my relatives were still alive. But my parents had told me only weeks before that we were the only remaining ones in our family, since my Uncle and his family had been murdered too. That leaves me wondering why my entire family, all my relations were murdered but me.
Perhaps it was because of our heritage. My great-grandfather had almost been kicked out of Russia during the war, but was allowed to stay for some reason. It was because he was a very rich man, who had been respected for quite a long time. But since then, he had been hated by almost all the people that knew his story since he was the only one who was allowed to stay in his home. Once the war had ended, he was murdered, leaving my grandfather as an infant. Or, that's what I was told by my parents.
So people were out to kill my entire family. So why not me? I'm the only one left, they could have everything that belonged to us. All his belongings then were passed on to my Grandfather, then my parents. I don't even know how rich my family was, since I was only five, and didn't really care about it. But I have overheard Boris sometimes, talking about how it is all hidden somewhere. But it is that simple to gain all the money, so why does Voltaire not let him kill me too?
I'm not sure all my information is correct, but as it is what I was told by my parents, I believe them.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Great, hospital food. And then they give me pills, I guess they're to make me less insane. But I'm not, so they don't do anything. My mere existence here pushes people to the limits. I was sent here to improve, but have not spoken about anything I was supposed to. In the week I have been here, I must have only said three things. 'I'm not insane', 'I don't need help', and 'Piss off'.
Standing slowly from the windowsill, I hurriedly wipe my eyes, wiping away the tears. Sitting crossed-legged on the bed, I pull
the table towards me. It looks disgusting. I can't even tell what it is. There is a small jug of water there too, alongside a tiny plastic cup with three pills in it. A blue one, a red one and a white one. I shove them in my mouth, taking a mouthful of water to swallow them. Poking at the food, I decide that it is not safe to eat, and push it away.
Pulling the covers up, I decide to sleep. My hair falls in my face, but I don't bother to move it. As I feel my eyes starting to close, I don't know if I am already asleep and dreaming, but I swear I see my mother. She sits beside me, stroking my hair. She doesn't say anything, and then, disappears. That's when I realize I have fallen asleep. I see them coming again, to murder her. This is a real nightmare. I saw it again, her murder, and my father. No, they're coming.....I can't let them, no, not again...please, stay away from me.....not again.....please, leave me, pain, pain, pain....I can't take it much longer, not
again. I can't wake up, why won't I wake up?
Suddenly, a hand grabs my shoulder, forcing me awake. It's one of the nurses. I was kicking and screaming. I must have woken the entire ward. Breathing heavily, I manage to force out the words.
"Rape.....they raped me....."
She looks totally confused.
"The ones that murdered my parents....they raped me......I don't know how many times......"
She is looking like she might pass out. Well, I don't say anything but tell people to piss of, so when I wake up screaming and try to explain about being raped, you'd think the nurse would be a bit freaked out. Before I can say anything else, she has left the room, left me there, hyperventilating and scared more than I have been in ten years. What do I do now? There is no one left in my family, I have no friends, and right now, not even anyone who will listen to me.
It takes almost ten minutes for my breathing to slow again. Ten entire minutes of silence when all I really want to do right now is scream and then die. I can't take it; I want a reason for all this......
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I don't dare to go back to sleep, I don't want it to happen again. I sit up all night; it takes that long for someone to even realize a fifteen year old had told a nurse he had been raped. By the time the head of the ward comes in, I have been sitting there for hours. I guess they were a bit worried when they saw me standing there, my face must look scared. They lead me down the hall, to another ward. Great. Just what I need. To be moved into a ward full of people like me. In my pocket is Wolberg. I clutch it in my fist as I am lead through the few people that are talking, and into a room. At least its a
single room. I hate being around people.
I automatically retreat to the window, sitting down as usual. The doctor comes in, asks why I have been brought here. I can't help it. I'm scared, confused, worried all at the same time. I don't know what else to do, but get my point across.
"I WAS FIVE YEARS OLD WHEN MY PARENTS WERE MURDERED, AND THEN I WAS RAPED CONTINUOUSLY FOR ALMOST TWO YEARS!! THEN, WHENEVER I DID SOMETHING WRONG! I THINK THAT GIVES A PERSON RIGHTS TO AT LEAST TELL SOMEONE ABOUT IT!!" I yell, totally unaware of how loud I am.
All the people in the ward try to look for the cause of the nose, but I sprint to the bathroom, locking myself in. I pull my knees to my chest, and begin to cry. It is so unusual to me. The salty tears burn my face, leaving wet trails behind them as they slide down and hit the floor.
I'm shaking like a leaf, I don't know why. I never even remembered all the days of torture, and only slightly remember the first year of being raped. The second is more clear. I don't know who it was, but I remember the pain getting worse. Then, as i got older, i would do as i was told. But if something wasn't to Boris's liking, i would be raped again. It happened so often. He always found something that i wasn't doing right. It wasn't him though. I never saw their faces. Every day, I screamed out in pain, my throat must have been raw.
So what to do now? Run away and most likely die after a few days, or stay here for a while, until I at least get heard. I opt to stay, but do I really want to? No. When I was young, if people hurt me, my mother would always comfort me. But now, I have learnt that there is no one in this world that cares about me. Right now, all I need is to be comforted. But it's not going to happen. I curl up on the floor, and fall asleep.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
When I awake, I find myself still curled up on the bathroom floor. Opening my eyes, waking into another day of hell. I can't take it here. I open the door, and there is a nurse waiting there. She looks relived that I am still here, but I don't know why.
"What?" I ask, my voice flat.
"You fell asleep. You have to stay in this ward now, but you have to go to a counsellor everyday as well."
"WHAT? I WAS RAPED! THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO KNOW! IT'S STUCK THERE, THERE'S NO WAY TO GET RID OF THAT PAIN INSIDE, AND TO KNOW IT IS EVEN WORSE, REMEMBERING THAT PAIN AND THE FACE OF THE PEOPLE RAPING YOU, WATCHING, GRINNING EVILLY! IT'S TERRIBLE! THERE'S NOTHING ANYONE CAN DO NOW! IT'S TOO LATE! IT WAS EIGHT YEARS AGO THEY FINALLY STOPPED! TWO YEARS THEY HAD BEEN RAPING ME FOR! OK?!" I stopped to take deep breath,
and tried to calm down.
"You say you were taken from your parents, who were murdered, ten years ago?"
"Yes," I reply, not looking at her.
She walked off, leaving me to sink to the floor beside the bed. She entered again about half an hour later, followed by the police.
"What the hell is this?" I ask.
"Well, you've been on missing persons for ten years." The head policeman explained.
"But how did I get put there? I mean, I have no relatives."
"One. You have one."
I was shocked. A member of my family was still alive? Who? Knowing that it couldn't be my parents, I didn't really care, but this was just all too much.
A middle age woman walked into the room. I remember her. I know who she is!
"Look at him, he's grown so much!" She exclaimed.
My aunt. My mother's sister. She was always at our place, having tea or something. She had managed to escape from them, the people that were after our family. She looks so much like my mother......they were twins...wait a minute....They were almost impossible to tell apart....the bright orange hair I inherited, except my mother had hazel eyes, and I got the blue from my father. This woman's eyes......they were hazel......my mother.....
I must have been standing there with a look on my face like, I didn't get it or something. She stood there for a few moments, before I realized who she was.
"Mother.......h..how did you survive.....I remember....they stabbed you in the chest......"
Her eyes are full of tears.
"That was your aunt. I had gone out to get something, but hadn't told you. Your aunt was visiting. I returned home, found her and you father dead, and you missing......"
"But, I don't get it. Her last words were keep my boy safe......"
"She always called you that. But when you went missing, I couldn't believe they took you instead of killing you........"
I was standing in shock. My mother was alive. My aunt had been killed. I could.....go home...where I belong....
"Mother......." I stood from the ground, and stood for a few moments before lurching into her arms.
She held me tightly, and I still couldn't believe it.
"Mother....they almost killed me, so close....I almost did it myself....they raped me. They raped me for almost two years straight."
"Don't worry, my boy. They wouldn't have killed you. They knew I was still alive, they just couldn't find me."
"Where were you?"
"That I cannot say. Too many people would overhear, and it might happen again. Tala, I lost you once. My only son, you will be safe once you are home."
"Are you sure?" I ask, shaking again.
"Yes, I lived there for ten years. No one found me. They stopped looking after a while. Didn't want to waste money."
"What about....do I have to come back here?"
"You need to come in twice a week, to counselling. But other than that, no."
Gripping Wolberg in my pocket, I finally felt safe. But somehow, I didn't feel quite as safe as I should. I knew they were still out there, looking for me. But for now, I knew I was safe. Now I must seem like a child or something. But if you think your parents are dead for ten years, you can't help but feel safe when you find out they're still there.
The counselling wasn't all that bad. I had to tell them about everything, the torture, how I was forced to help torture people and kill them, and then about the rapings. I hate talking about it. It brings back all those memories, the bad ones about being raped. I hate it. I wish there was a way I could just forget that entire part of my life, but there isn't. I've learnt to deal with it, but it still hurts inside. I went through all that, and find out that my mother is still alive and well. It hurts knowing that she was there the entire time, but I'll get over it. But the hardest thing is talking about being raped to my mother. It just doesn't seem right. And she doesn't seem like my mother, the one that I remember.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
That's when I awake for real. It was a dream? My mother is still dead, no one is here for me. I'm all alone in a world of darkness. People in the ward are walking outside, I can hear them. I take the chance to open the door, and walk out. There is no one there, just myself. I slump down beside the bed, resting my head in my hands. I can't take it. I had that dream once before, when I was seven. Why didn't I realize it wasn't real? It was worse than a nightmare.
Standing up, I walk out of the room. Up the stairs, and onto the roof. It's freezing. I get ready, the only way I can think of to release pain, to get rid of it, forget about it. Over the edge, I can see just how high up I am.
I position myself, and begin a countdown. 3-2-1.....And I do it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Let it rip!" I cry, sending Wolberg flying through the air. He lands with precision a few feet away. Spinning through the snow, he cuts a path, sending flakes flying up. The cold air blows on my face, freezing my skin. It's a lot better than being cooped up inside. The wind blows my hair in all directions, in front of my face, messing it completely. I clear away some of the snow with Wolberg, then sit down on the stone.
No one. All alone in a huge world. Fifteen years old, and two years of it were spent being raped. Not a good life. And then all the other times in the past few years. When was the last time? Only about two weeks ago. Two weeks. To think the better part of ten years was spent being raped. But if I run away, where will I go? Nowhere. So I stay? Or is that too much for me to bear? What will happen to me?
I walk back inside the building, down the stairs and to the front doors.
"I want to leave." I tell the nurse on duty.
"To go where?"
"I don't know. I'll find a place."
"I can't do that."
"Why? It is a request, and I command you to let me go. I have no family, just let me go!"
"Ok then," She sighed. "But if you get killed, you can't say we didn't try to keep you safe."
Without realizing it, I raised an eyebrow.
"What makes you think I'll be killed?"
"They're out looking for you. If they find you, they'll kill you this time."
"I don't care. I have to go. I can't stand it here. No one listens to me anyway. I try to tell people that I was raped, but do they listen? No. So really, no one will care if I am murdered." I say.
"Ok then." She sighed again.
I walk out into the frigid wind, and start walking. Not sure where, but start on a trip. Somehow, I'll make it. When a five year old survives rape, it can't be that hard to survive outside, where there are a few nice people.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I did it. I found my old home. I figured it out. My parents always wanted me to have the money. It was hidden in the secret room under my bed. I found it all. Knowing I had to survive for a long time, I took it all, shoving it into a bag. I ran all the way to the train station, and after purchasing a ticket, I got on board, and was able to rest the entire trip. I didn't know where I would go, but I would find a way. Sometimes, you just have to forget everything and move on. So forgetting about all the rapings, I stare out into the snow, wondering what will happen to me in a few years time. But until then, I just have to stay alive....and...well, not get raped...again.....
*****************
Owari!
Soooo..............what did u think?! Review? Please?