Disclaimer – I don't own Pokemon.
Reasons of the Heart – Show me the Meaning of Being Lonely
Dear Diary,
The doctor said I was perfectly fine. Actually, more correctly, she said I was perfectly sane. Can you believe it? That me of all people, is clinically sane? I mean I would understand it if it was someone else, but I mean I practically accepted a date from Ash Ketchum.
I don't mean like last time. Last time Melody tricked me into it, I didn't even know it was he until pikachuu came up to me and told me. This time he came and asked me if we could meet somewhere to start on the ball prep. He even gave me the choice not to join with his frat. I mean he's so totally sweet, he made sure that I was ok with it before even accepting, and the way he keeps saving me, not every guy would do that you know. Arghhh, this is getting totally impossible. So anyway I'm basically going out on a date with Ash tomorrow. Just don't let Melody and Sabs know that I admitted it, they've been teasing me ever since.
So anyway, if I remember correctly the doctor told me that what I was going through was sane and that everyone goes through it once in their life, and of course that I'm in love. I totally could have told her that. I knew that, what, nine years ago, at least. You don't need a PhD to tell people that they're in love; you can do that even without the diploma and hat. I hope people don't sit down and write nasty things about me when I become a psychiatrist.
So anyway, after dinner I'm back here having a girl's night in with Sabs and Melody. Were going to sit down reading our horoscopes, taking quizzes about god knows what so we can discover the real us according to some crazy arsed shrink with a king-sized bottle of Prozac in her bag while watching chick flicks and horror movies so that we can make bitchy comments about the sluttish lead actress who can't act to save her life, and her boyfriend. Ok so maybe that last bit is just about Crossroads and her ex-boyfriend, but you knew what I meant
All my friends keep telling me to forgive him. I can't seem to go anywhere without someone giving me advice about my love life, not even to my sisters who usually stay out of my life period. So I'm going tell you exactly what I've been telling just about everyone else, so that I can get my point across to at least one person in this godforsaken place, unless I'm unknowingly schizophrenic.
"You see, I don't even know myself. Part of me forgives him. Part of me is just being careful, afraid to get too close. Part of me just wants to run away every time I see him, before he hurts me again. Another part is so repulsed by him I can't even look him in the eyes. The other just wants to rip out his guts for all to see, just to prove he doesn't have a heart. And then there's the part that can't stop crying, even for a second, and bursts into tears just thinking about him. There are all these conflicting emotions inside me, some telling me to go and talk to him when we pass on the way to class, others tell me to run away, as fast as I can, in the opposite direction before I go and say something I'll regret for the rest of my life. But then there's that one tiny voice, the one that somehow seems to over power the rest. The one that tells me to run into his arms and never let go, to just and forgive and forget; to tell him everything that I'm feeling inside. To tell him that I love him."
No one realizes just how much I wish I could do that. No one knows how familiar, and right his arms feel wrapped around me like they were today. Nobody understands just how much I love him. It's the only thing I understand; yet it's the thing that makes my life even more painful and confusing with each passing day. I wish I could turn back time; relive my life all over again. I know if I did, I never would have said all that stuff about him being a twerp. I wish I could just forgive and forget so I can start things over with him. But no matter how hard I wish, no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I want to start afresh: I can't.
For some reason all this talk of Ash, and love, makes me think of something Brock told me last year. It was after I told him that if things were meant to be, fate would sort it out for us. He shook his head and told me that some things are just too important to be left to chance. Money for one, and Love for another. That I can't rely on fate to make my decisions for the rest of my life because eventually my luck will run out and fate won't be any use to me after that. It's the last part that gets me thinking. "Eventually Misty, the coin will come up heads."
So I sit here, Brocks words running through my head as I try to block out all thoughts of Ash, unsuccessfully I might add, though I presume that is obvious seeing as this entire entry is on the subject of none other than he. All I'm really asking is a measly minute to go by without him crossing my mind. I'm not asking for a lot, only one measly minute, not much.
And not likely.
But before I sign off, I just have one question. Diary, why is it that we don't even realize we have a heart until it's broken by the one it desires?
Signed as always,
Misty Waterflower
Misty stared at the several pages of writing she had just written. The words became blurred and jumbled as her tears began to cloud her vision. 'Why does he always do this to me?' she asked herself trying to stop the tears the continued to stream down her face. She stared out the window at the clouded, threatening sky. She was glad to see that the autumn weather was more in touch with her emotions than the cheery spring.
Misty pulled a coin out of her pocket and flicked it into the air, not bothering to call it. Misty caught it and slapped it on the back of her hand. She took a deep breath as she prepared to see the results. Misty saw the shiny silver coin, revealing what she had been dreading for so long. Misty gasped and dropped the coin to the floor immediately.
Heads
Show me the meaning of being lonely
So many words for the broken heart
It's hard to see in a crimson love
So hard to breath
Walk with me, and maybe
Nights of light so soon become
Wild and free I could feel the sun
Your every wish will be done they tell me
Show me the meaning of being lonely
Is this the feeling I need to walk with?
Tell me why
I can't be there where you are
There's something missing in my heart
Life goes on, as it never ends
Eyes of stone observe the trends
They never say
Forever gazing for me
Guilty roads to an endless love
{Endless love}
There's no control
Are you with me now?
Your every wish will be done they tell me
Show me the meaning of being lonely
Is this the feeling I need to walk with?
Tell me why
I can't be there where you are
There's something missing in my heart
There's nowhere to run
I have no place to go
Surrender my heart
Body and soul
How can it be you're asking me to feel the things you never show?
You're missing in my heart
Tell me why I can't be there where you are
Show me the meaning of being lonely
Is this a feeling I need to walk with?
{Tell me why}
Tell me why
I can't be there where you are
There's something missing in my heart
Show me the meaning of being lonely
{Being lonely}
Is this a feeling I need to walk with?
Tell me why
I can't be there where you are
There's something missing in my
Heart
('Show me the meaning of being lonely' by Backstreet Boys)
"You must be happy with yourself."
"Why?" Ash asked not looking up from the work he was doing.
"Well not only did Misty just spend ten minutes crying into your chest, unaware of course until she takes off your jacket and notices the initials your mother kindly sewed into the collar," Brock told him.
"Damn," Ash cursed. "I knew there had to be something wrong with the kind mysterious stranger who keeps saving her life plan. There that goes right out the window," he sighed.
"Not only that," Brock continued after rolling his eyes at Ash's last comment, "but you also get to spend time with her planning this thing and you're the guy who gets to show up to this little shindig with her on your arm."
"Ok one, it was only nine minutes and fifty-six seconds," Ash replied. "Secondly, she'll probably spend as little time with me, as faraway from me as humanly possible. And thirdly, it's not a shindig, it's a ball."
"Didn't you hear me?" Brock asked. "I said you get to go to the ball with Misty Waterflower."
"Yeah, I just presumed you were trying to be funny," Ash shrugged returning to his work.
"Well I'm not," Brock said.
Ash shut the book and looked to his friend, suddenly more interested in what was going on. "And what makes you so sure that she'll go with me?" Ash asked disbelievingly.
"Because it's compulsory," Brock shrugged. "It's like this unwritten rule that she has to go with you. Plus there's the whole superstition the girls have about the presidents of our frat and their sorority always falling in love and getting married etcetera."
"She probably didn't know about," Ash said as he picked up his things and headed back upstairs to his room.
"Not likely," Brock muttered as Ash left.
Ash looked through his journal before he began to write down everything that was going through his head.
I remember once when Misty told me that I was suffering from a superman complex where I have the need to save people. She said that I was mentally ill and that I would always be drawn to dangerous situations because of this incomprehensible urge to be there. This was of course after she had decided to become a psychiatrist and spent hours reading up on every possible form of mental illness known to man.
When I asked her why she wanted to be a psychiatrist she told me it was that she wanted to be a doctor so she could help people but she wasn't that good with blood and needles and knives. She said that this way she could help people where they really needed it.
I think what got through to me the most was this, "A doctor could spend his whole life healing every patient that came to him, whatever the problem, but they would never truly be cured, it may be a week or maybe even ten years, but sooner or later the same person would come to him suffering from some disease they didn't pick up on the first time. A person can tell you that their nose is stuffy, or that their head hurts, but you never quite get the full picture and you never know exactly what the problem is. Psychiatric doctoring is about emotions and feelings, something that can be explained in words and doesn't have to be inspected from every angle to diagnose; it's something that you can read from the body language or their voice. It's easier to cure a disease than a person, but sometimes all people need is someone to listen even if they have to pay them by the hour."
I guess now she hates my superman complex even more, because if it weren't for that I would have left her alone and given someone else the chance to be her hero each time the opportunity arose.
But I like being the one who saves her; I like protecting her, being by her side. I like fighting for her. I like being there to comfort her, to hold her in my arms as she cries into my chest. I the feeling I get as I hold her in my arms; it's as if nothing else matters when she's with me and everything seems so right.
I've tried cutting myself off from her, and I've tried living my life without her, but I can't. Life without Misty just seems so insignificant that it's not worth wasting my life away like that. Life without Misty isn't worth jack-shit and life with her is worth so much more than you could even imagine.
I can't bare life without Misty, so I'm not even going to try; it's not worth the pain. This time I'm going to take it slowly, build from a simple friendship to what we use to have and from there the possibilities are endless.
I know she cares for me, even if my only evidence is a drunken decree after Will's special jerk cocktail. This time I won't get my hopes up so soon and maybe I'll be able to work things out with her and finally have the love I always hoped I'd receive from her.
I've done so many stupid things in my life, I know Misty's the first to admit it, but the only thing I really regret is letting her go.
I only wish she knew.
Ash sighed. This time he was going to make things work. He wouldn't ruin what little time they would spend together by bringing up the past. He wouldn't bring tears to her eyes like he always did and force her away.
He would give her time to get to know him again. Let her remember all the times they shared together, good and bad alike. He would let fate have some control and stop searching for a way in. This time everything was going to come up roses especially if he had anything to do with it.
~ to be continued ~
I know I said that it would be their date but isn't this just so much more interesting I mean Misty angst, Ash's little trip down memory lane. Ok so it's a little lame but it could be worse, I can prove it by the chapter I didn't put up. I mean it was bad.
Anyway please review and I promise next will be the date, its not like I have much of a choice in the matter so I guess I have to. So please review and try not to be too harsh on this sorry excuse for an AAMR.