TetsuoTsubushi:
Now it's all set so bring out chapter 24. I hope it isn't a let down.
You've brought it up so many times now.
Mary: Now you've got me all excited about ch. 24! How many chapters were you planning on making this? I hope they figure out their feelings soon. :(
Butterfly:
(21):Nice one. And longer than some of the previous ones, which is good. Lol. But you shouldn't really listen to people telling you what length a chapter should be, I mean, it's your decision and whatever you choose must be accepted. The only problem is that sometimes a chapter seems very long and then there's just a lot of responses... Oh, well, never mind. One more thing, I'd expect a little more about their own feelings in the diary entries. You had that in the early entries, but now it's more or less a description of their day. I can accept that on Ranma's part, but Akane is usually a bit "deeper", isn't she?
Response: Yeah, and I've kinda ditched the whole "issue" response system because I feel I'm taking longer trying to just make the section smaller than making the chapter part longer. And as for the emotions, well they come out in the next two chapters.
(22): Uhm. As much as I think it's really good, there are a few thing that bothered me in this chapter. But first an apology: this time the entries seemed more like real ones to me, so you can ignore the previous coment. ^_^ One thing that bothered me though is the fact that Ranma didn't comment on Akane's cooking while they had dinner. I mean he should at least have said it was good, or ok, or anything... Don't you think? After all the stomach ache she gave him in the past and after all the effort she put into it, I don't expect them NOT to talk about it at all. Another thing is the fear of storms thing. Remembering it just then? How convenient... And a tsunami is a giant wave caused by an earthquake, not a storm or tornado. You should really change that.
Response: Okay.I watched some show once that said a Tsunami was a Japanese term for a Hurricane. I could research on the net to be sure, and I'll change it if I'm wrong.
Tsunami: tidal wave
That's just great!
(Checks English to Jappanese)
hurricane: shippuu, harike-n, gufuu
(Checks Jap-Eng again on each)
I do this for a reason, which you'll see bellow:
shippuu: squall, gale, hurricane
harike-n: hurricane
gufuu: tornado, hurricane, typhoon
Okay, so it was a huge harike-n! Which sounds enough like the English word that I might as well just have it translated! Also calling it a shippuu or gufuu would just sound plain weird.
()
And yeah, it's a triggered flashback, and why didn't he remember it before, because the writer hadn't come up with anything until now. lol. He does compliment her after the meal, but never during. The reason for this is that he probably wants to make sure that everything that Akane cooked was safe before saying anything about it at all. Therefore, he wanted to finish the meal before he gave compliments, just so he wouldn't make a compliment followed by an insult on a different portion of the meal that wasn't cooked quite right. That's my excuse, anyway.
Butterfly: (23)NOt that short. One question: doesn' Ranma need to buy some clothes for the wedding too? Or has he already? That's all I wondered about this time. ~_^
Response: If you look back, and I'm pretty sure I copied this from my written draft to the chapter, although I could've just as easily forgotten, I suppose.that the suite his father got him for the Senior Dance was supposed to double as his wedding tux. I'm pretty sure I wrote something 'cause I remember typing up how Ranma thought that there might be a better one, but he wouldn't know because he didn't go to actually pick one out. Or maybe I spent so much time on that thing that I forgot to mention the "double use" part. That's the reason it was bought instead of rented, though.
Jennyjennai: Very good reading these last 5 or so chapters (sorry, I got really lazy by not reviewing each individual chapter), everything seems to be "chugging" along nicely. The plot seems to be moving smoothly to the inevitable conclusion. I like the diary/journal entries as these tend to show how the characters are feeling in depth as opposed to how they let the other characters see their emotional state. I'll try to review each chapter individually if I don't get too lazy about it. Anyway, keep up the good work.
Response: This is mainly positive criticism, but it is constructive, which is the way I like it. Positive or negative, criticism is best when it points out what is right and/or wrong about the story.
Now, the moment we've all been waiting for! Duh-duh-duh-duh! CHAPTER TWENTY- FOUR!! YAY!!
Warning: This chapter contains a small spoiler for Terminator 3, so I hope you all have already seen the movie or don't really care if it's spoiled for you.
July 29th, 2003:
Dear Dairy,
The wedding is going to happen in about two weeks from now, and yeah feelings still confused, unbalanced, you know, the usual. STILL nothing back from Mousse, adding even more to the stress and unease I'm feeling. On Thursday, a big date, apparently, dinner, movie, and a small two-person dance after at the end at home. It was Ranma's idea, based on the idea of "going all-out" with the whole dating thing. We've already got the wedding pretty much planned, which will make it all the harder if we for some reason decide to call it off. Of all the times, they have to do it so close to what would otherwise be considered the point-of-no-return. Maybe this upcoming date will help somehow. I just have a feeling about it, kinda like with the dance. I was right then, and I might just be right again.
Sincerely, Akane Tendo
That night-Another Storm:
"Ranma, I thought you figured out what your fear was all about." Akane said.
"Th-that's supposed to make me less scared?!" Ranma replied.
"Ranma, you've got to get over this! You can't be afraid of storms anymore!"
"I-I'm not going to go see a fr-freakin' therapist!"
"Next time there's a storm, you're just going to have to do without clinging, then."
"Wh-why?!"
"Because you're becoming too dependant on it. You need to learn how to not be scared of storm by yourself."
"I d-don't think I c-can!"
"Then I guess you're a wimp."
"D-don't c-call me that!"
"Why? Because it always works?"
"Y-yeah!"
"It's for your own good! You have to deal with this!"
"I g-guess."
"Well then, goodnight Ranma."
"G-goodnight, Akane."
July 30th, 2003: Tomorrow's a big date, the real BIG one. Dinner, a movie, and dance at home. I've got some of both Akane and I's favorite CDs in the stereo for tonight, and everyone else will be sleeping (and the rooms are a reasonable distance away from where we'll be dancing. I'm hoping that something's going to happen during that date, because the wedding's only less than two weeks away now. Also, yeah, Mousse is still not sending us any info on what's going on. The quiet on that front is getting now to even me, while before it was really just Akane. It's the last thing that really has to be resolved before the wedding, and it's still up in the air. Oh well, I have bigger things to worry about, like whether or not I really want to spend the rest of my life with that "uncute tomboy".
July 31st, 2003:
The BIG Date:
[Dinner]
"Well, here we are again, having dinner." Ranma said.
"But this time at Ukyo's." Akane replied.
"Yeah, well, I figured it'd be a nice change from those fancier ones." Ranma commented.
"It's nice."
"So, do you think Terminator 3 will be better or worse than T2?" Ranma asked.
"Well, from the reviews I've heard it's at least a halfway decent film." Akane replied.
"It'll be good to know what happens, anyway."
"Yeah."
They eat for awhile, then continue.
"You know, I'm starting to actually get worried about Mousse." Ranma said.
"You're still not near as worried as I am, I've more time to build it up."
"So now it's about who's more worried? Do you have to make everything into a contest, Akane?"
"Not everything, just most things."
"Still.I wonder if we should try checking up on him or something." Ranma said.
"I don't know how we'd do that, it's not like we can just knock on Shampoo's door and ask her if Mousse beat her. If he didn't, then maybe he hasn't gotten to it yet and we would've just tipped her off on his plans."
"I don't think he would've put it off this long.but it's a possibility, and a risk I'm not sure that's worth taking."
"Yeah."
They go back to eating, then go back to talking again.
"Do you like the way I have the dance set up?" Ranma asked.
"Very clever, putting it in the Dojo. Nice decorations, too, and the stereo set-up is pretty good. Did Nabiki rent all the equipment?"
"Well, she borrowed it from someone she knows, at least 'borrowed' is what she says. Then again, it'd be awfully hard to steal without someone noticing."
"Yeah."
"I've just noticed that every part of our conversation ends with you saying yeah."
"Yeah."
They eventually finish eating and head off to the movie.
[After the Movie]
On their way back home.
"The ending was rather.depressing." Akane commented.
"So much for the whole 'only destiny is what we make for ourselves' bit from T2." Ranma added.
"I'd say I liked it better than T1, but it wasn't as good as T2."
"Same here. Well, we're home."
[Time to Dance]
"It's storming again." Akane noticed.
"Great.well, at least we're dancing, that'll di-distract my attention sl- slightly."
"Ranma, remember what I said."
"Could we not talk about that right now?"
"Okay."
They just danced, and in a few minutes they were in the same place they were at the dance, but this time the music kept going. Their eyes locked on each other, and there was nothing else, just two eyes floating around to the rhythm of some tune playing far away. The eyes kept getting closer and closer, and yet even closer, then the eyes closed as their lips met. Time had been decreasing gradually up to that moment, and then it came to a sudden halt, a moment frozen in time, a moment that seemed to last forever, yet forever wasn't nearly long enough. If it weren't for the necessity of oxygen, forever would've been a lot longer. The eyes opened, and the lips, still invisible, moved away. Then the rest of the world came rushing back to them, and they just stood there, bewildered by what had just transpired.
The music was still playing in the background.
"Uh.wow!" Ranma said, finding no better descriptive word.
"That was.who started it?"
"I.I though you did."
"I thought it was you."
Ranma looked quickly at the clock, it was getting pretty late.
"I think we need to get to sleep." He said.
"Yeah, I'll get the cold water."
"Okay."
[Another Storm]
"No clinging!"
Akane pushed Ranma off her.
"I can't help it!"
"That's what you think! You can do this, you've been in a storm alone before without me to cling on!"
"But I'd usually cling to a blanket."
"Well, that obviously wouldn't work so good here." Akane said.
"Yeah."
"But still, you have to overcome your fear. You don't want me to call you a wimp again, do you?"
"No!"
"Well then, stop clinging to me like a baby!"
"I'll try."
But Ranma kept on looking at Akane, longing to cling to her, for comfort, for many reasons. Some reasons (s)he couldn't begin to comprehend. The more he looked at her, with eyes still open, waiting for Ranma to fall asleep, the more the need grew, until (s)he couldn't fight it any more, and clung tightly to Akane, then.their lips met once again.
[The Next Morning]
Ranma woke up to the sound of something being dropped. As (s)he woke up, she felt like something was different, something was.missing.
Then (s)he realized she wasn't wearing any clothes, then she realized that Akane was sleeping right next to (her) and was also just as naked. Then (s)he remembered just what happened the previous night, then she noticed that the dropping sound was a very stunned Kasumi bringing in some clothes to put away.
"Hey, it's not the way it seems!!" Ranma said desperately, then, after some thought, continued, "Well, obviously it is what it seems."
Akane stirred, and woke up, going through a very similar process of revelations to what Ranma had.
"Ranma! We didn't.? KASUMI!!"
"I.I think I'll put these away later." Kasumi said, picking them up carefully then slowly backing out through the door and closing it.
For a few minutes, both Ranma and Akane were completely silent.
"I can't believe we did that!" Ranma said, the panic obvious in (her) voice.
"I."
"What the hell came over me! And as a girl, that's even worse!"
Ranma got up and grabbed a robe from the closet, put it on and tossed another one to Akane.
"Do you regret it?"
"Of course I.I don't know." Ranma said.
"Maybe." Akane said, "Maybe we aren't ready."
Then Ranma remembered what day it was: August 1st. Akane's words somehow found a way to pierce into his soul. He couldn't bear to look at Akane's face anymore, so he opened the door and left. He saw EVERYONE standing in the hallway just outside.
"I think the wedding's off."
To be continued.
Mary: Now you've got me all excited about ch. 24! How many chapters were you planning on making this? I hope they figure out their feelings soon. :(
Butterfly:
(21):Nice one. And longer than some of the previous ones, which is good. Lol. But you shouldn't really listen to people telling you what length a chapter should be, I mean, it's your decision and whatever you choose must be accepted. The only problem is that sometimes a chapter seems very long and then there's just a lot of responses... Oh, well, never mind. One more thing, I'd expect a little more about their own feelings in the diary entries. You had that in the early entries, but now it's more or less a description of their day. I can accept that on Ranma's part, but Akane is usually a bit "deeper", isn't she?
Response: Yeah, and I've kinda ditched the whole "issue" response system because I feel I'm taking longer trying to just make the section smaller than making the chapter part longer. And as for the emotions, well they come out in the next two chapters.
(22): Uhm. As much as I think it's really good, there are a few thing that bothered me in this chapter. But first an apology: this time the entries seemed more like real ones to me, so you can ignore the previous coment. ^_^ One thing that bothered me though is the fact that Ranma didn't comment on Akane's cooking while they had dinner. I mean he should at least have said it was good, or ok, or anything... Don't you think? After all the stomach ache she gave him in the past and after all the effort she put into it, I don't expect them NOT to talk about it at all. Another thing is the fear of storms thing. Remembering it just then? How convenient... And a tsunami is a giant wave caused by an earthquake, not a storm or tornado. You should really change that.
Response: Okay.I watched some show once that said a Tsunami was a Japanese term for a Hurricane. I could research on the net to be sure, and I'll change it if I'm wrong.
Tsunami: tidal wave
That's just great!
(Checks English to Jappanese)
hurricane: shippuu, harike-n, gufuu
(Checks Jap-Eng again on each)
I do this for a reason, which you'll see bellow:
shippuu: squall, gale, hurricane
harike-n: hurricane
gufuu: tornado, hurricane, typhoon
Okay, so it was a huge harike-n! Which sounds enough like the English word that I might as well just have it translated! Also calling it a shippuu or gufuu would just sound plain weird.
()
And yeah, it's a triggered flashback, and why didn't he remember it before, because the writer hadn't come up with anything until now. lol. He does compliment her after the meal, but never during. The reason for this is that he probably wants to make sure that everything that Akane cooked was safe before saying anything about it at all. Therefore, he wanted to finish the meal before he gave compliments, just so he wouldn't make a compliment followed by an insult on a different portion of the meal that wasn't cooked quite right. That's my excuse, anyway.
Butterfly: (23)NOt that short. One question: doesn' Ranma need to buy some clothes for the wedding too? Or has he already? That's all I wondered about this time. ~_^
Response: If you look back, and I'm pretty sure I copied this from my written draft to the chapter, although I could've just as easily forgotten, I suppose.that the suite his father got him for the Senior Dance was supposed to double as his wedding tux. I'm pretty sure I wrote something 'cause I remember typing up how Ranma thought that there might be a better one, but he wouldn't know because he didn't go to actually pick one out. Or maybe I spent so much time on that thing that I forgot to mention the "double use" part. That's the reason it was bought instead of rented, though.
Jennyjennai: Very good reading these last 5 or so chapters (sorry, I got really lazy by not reviewing each individual chapter), everything seems to be "chugging" along nicely. The plot seems to be moving smoothly to the inevitable conclusion. I like the diary/journal entries as these tend to show how the characters are feeling in depth as opposed to how they let the other characters see their emotional state. I'll try to review each chapter individually if I don't get too lazy about it. Anyway, keep up the good work.
Response: This is mainly positive criticism, but it is constructive, which is the way I like it. Positive or negative, criticism is best when it points out what is right and/or wrong about the story.
Now, the moment we've all been waiting for! Duh-duh-duh-duh! CHAPTER TWENTY- FOUR!! YAY!!
Warning: This chapter contains a small spoiler for Terminator 3, so I hope you all have already seen the movie or don't really care if it's spoiled for you.
July 29th, 2003:
Dear Dairy,
The wedding is going to happen in about two weeks from now, and yeah feelings still confused, unbalanced, you know, the usual. STILL nothing back from Mousse, adding even more to the stress and unease I'm feeling. On Thursday, a big date, apparently, dinner, movie, and a small two-person dance after at the end at home. It was Ranma's idea, based on the idea of "going all-out" with the whole dating thing. We've already got the wedding pretty much planned, which will make it all the harder if we for some reason decide to call it off. Of all the times, they have to do it so close to what would otherwise be considered the point-of-no-return. Maybe this upcoming date will help somehow. I just have a feeling about it, kinda like with the dance. I was right then, and I might just be right again.
Sincerely, Akane Tendo
That night-Another Storm:
"Ranma, I thought you figured out what your fear was all about." Akane said.
"Th-that's supposed to make me less scared?!" Ranma replied.
"Ranma, you've got to get over this! You can't be afraid of storms anymore!"
"I-I'm not going to go see a fr-freakin' therapist!"
"Next time there's a storm, you're just going to have to do without clinging, then."
"Wh-why?!"
"Because you're becoming too dependant on it. You need to learn how to not be scared of storm by yourself."
"I d-don't think I c-can!"
"Then I guess you're a wimp."
"D-don't c-call me that!"
"Why? Because it always works?"
"Y-yeah!"
"It's for your own good! You have to deal with this!"
"I g-guess."
"Well then, goodnight Ranma."
"G-goodnight, Akane."
July 30th, 2003: Tomorrow's a big date, the real BIG one. Dinner, a movie, and dance at home. I've got some of both Akane and I's favorite CDs in the stereo for tonight, and everyone else will be sleeping (and the rooms are a reasonable distance away from where we'll be dancing. I'm hoping that something's going to happen during that date, because the wedding's only less than two weeks away now. Also, yeah, Mousse is still not sending us any info on what's going on. The quiet on that front is getting now to even me, while before it was really just Akane. It's the last thing that really has to be resolved before the wedding, and it's still up in the air. Oh well, I have bigger things to worry about, like whether or not I really want to spend the rest of my life with that "uncute tomboy".
July 31st, 2003:
The BIG Date:
[Dinner]
"Well, here we are again, having dinner." Ranma said.
"But this time at Ukyo's." Akane replied.
"Yeah, well, I figured it'd be a nice change from those fancier ones." Ranma commented.
"It's nice."
"So, do you think Terminator 3 will be better or worse than T2?" Ranma asked.
"Well, from the reviews I've heard it's at least a halfway decent film." Akane replied.
"It'll be good to know what happens, anyway."
"Yeah."
They eat for awhile, then continue.
"You know, I'm starting to actually get worried about Mousse." Ranma said.
"You're still not near as worried as I am, I've more time to build it up."
"So now it's about who's more worried? Do you have to make everything into a contest, Akane?"
"Not everything, just most things."
"Still.I wonder if we should try checking up on him or something." Ranma said.
"I don't know how we'd do that, it's not like we can just knock on Shampoo's door and ask her if Mousse beat her. If he didn't, then maybe he hasn't gotten to it yet and we would've just tipped her off on his plans."
"I don't think he would've put it off this long.but it's a possibility, and a risk I'm not sure that's worth taking."
"Yeah."
They go back to eating, then go back to talking again.
"Do you like the way I have the dance set up?" Ranma asked.
"Very clever, putting it in the Dojo. Nice decorations, too, and the stereo set-up is pretty good. Did Nabiki rent all the equipment?"
"Well, she borrowed it from someone she knows, at least 'borrowed' is what she says. Then again, it'd be awfully hard to steal without someone noticing."
"Yeah."
"I've just noticed that every part of our conversation ends with you saying yeah."
"Yeah."
They eventually finish eating and head off to the movie.
[After the Movie]
On their way back home.
"The ending was rather.depressing." Akane commented.
"So much for the whole 'only destiny is what we make for ourselves' bit from T2." Ranma added.
"I'd say I liked it better than T1, but it wasn't as good as T2."
"Same here. Well, we're home."
[Time to Dance]
"It's storming again." Akane noticed.
"Great.well, at least we're dancing, that'll di-distract my attention sl- slightly."
"Ranma, remember what I said."
"Could we not talk about that right now?"
"Okay."
They just danced, and in a few minutes they were in the same place they were at the dance, but this time the music kept going. Their eyes locked on each other, and there was nothing else, just two eyes floating around to the rhythm of some tune playing far away. The eyes kept getting closer and closer, and yet even closer, then the eyes closed as their lips met. Time had been decreasing gradually up to that moment, and then it came to a sudden halt, a moment frozen in time, a moment that seemed to last forever, yet forever wasn't nearly long enough. If it weren't for the necessity of oxygen, forever would've been a lot longer. The eyes opened, and the lips, still invisible, moved away. Then the rest of the world came rushing back to them, and they just stood there, bewildered by what had just transpired.
The music was still playing in the background.
"Uh.wow!" Ranma said, finding no better descriptive word.
"That was.who started it?"
"I.I though you did."
"I thought it was you."
Ranma looked quickly at the clock, it was getting pretty late.
"I think we need to get to sleep." He said.
"Yeah, I'll get the cold water."
"Okay."
[Another Storm]
"No clinging!"
Akane pushed Ranma off her.
"I can't help it!"
"That's what you think! You can do this, you've been in a storm alone before without me to cling on!"
"But I'd usually cling to a blanket."
"Well, that obviously wouldn't work so good here." Akane said.
"Yeah."
"But still, you have to overcome your fear. You don't want me to call you a wimp again, do you?"
"No!"
"Well then, stop clinging to me like a baby!"
"I'll try."
But Ranma kept on looking at Akane, longing to cling to her, for comfort, for many reasons. Some reasons (s)he couldn't begin to comprehend. The more he looked at her, with eyes still open, waiting for Ranma to fall asleep, the more the need grew, until (s)he couldn't fight it any more, and clung tightly to Akane, then.their lips met once again.
[The Next Morning]
Ranma woke up to the sound of something being dropped. As (s)he woke up, she felt like something was different, something was.missing.
Then (s)he realized she wasn't wearing any clothes, then she realized that Akane was sleeping right next to (her) and was also just as naked. Then (s)he remembered just what happened the previous night, then she noticed that the dropping sound was a very stunned Kasumi bringing in some clothes to put away.
"Hey, it's not the way it seems!!" Ranma said desperately, then, after some thought, continued, "Well, obviously it is what it seems."
Akane stirred, and woke up, going through a very similar process of revelations to what Ranma had.
"Ranma! We didn't.? KASUMI!!"
"I.I think I'll put these away later." Kasumi said, picking them up carefully then slowly backing out through the door and closing it.
For a few minutes, both Ranma and Akane were completely silent.
"I can't believe we did that!" Ranma said, the panic obvious in (her) voice.
"I."
"What the hell came over me! And as a girl, that's even worse!"
Ranma got up and grabbed a robe from the closet, put it on and tossed another one to Akane.
"Do you regret it?"
"Of course I.I don't know." Ranma said.
"Maybe." Akane said, "Maybe we aren't ready."
Then Ranma remembered what day it was: August 1st. Akane's words somehow found a way to pierce into his soul. He couldn't bear to look at Akane's face anymore, so he opened the door and left. He saw EVERYONE standing in the hallway just outside.
"I think the wedding's off."
To be continued.