Written by: Roland Chang (e-mail: prayudhi@uninet.net.id)
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to Bright, Kaufman and Crane Productions and Warner Bros. Their use is not intended for profit, only for entertainment.
Lisa Kudrow: (voiceover) Previously, on Friends.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, everyone is there.]
Chandler: (teasing) Hey Joe! Why do you have to close the door so fast? Is there something you're hiding back there?
Joey: No. (pause) There is nobody in my bed.
Monica: Joey….
Rachel: It's Michael Douglas, isn't it?! See? I knew you would listen to my advice.
Joey: Michael Douglas?! No, Rach! I told you, I'm straight!
Chandler: Then who is it Joey?
Joey: Well… it's uh—it's uh-
(Joey's door opens and a beautiful woman wearing a robe comes out. Yeah, you've guessed it right. She's Sharon Stone!)
Sharon: Oh—I didn't know so many people live in this apartment.
(Everyone is shocked.)
Monica: Oh my God! It's Sharon Stone! I can't believe this! I'm such a huge huge huge fan!!
Chandler: Monica, don't embarrass us like that. (excited) Oh my God, oh my God, it's really her!!
Joey: Guys please! Stop being such a fool, you embarrass me.
Sharon: It's okay Joey. I enjoy meeting my fans—although not when I'm still wearing a robe like this.
Joey: Sorry Sharon. This are my friends. That's Ross, Chander, Monica, Phoebe, and that's Rachel. She's also my roommate.
Sharon: Ah, nice to meet you all.
Ross: Uh-huh, uh-huh—
Rachel: What's the matter, Ross? Cat got your tongue?
Phoebe: I thought you were great in Indecent Proposal.
Joey: (convincingly) Yeah, me too. I knew I definitely watched that indecent movie.
Sharon: Actually, Demi Moore is in Indecent Proposal.
Joey: Whoops.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]
Joey: So, doesn't anyone gonna to go to work?
(Everyone is still staring at Joey.)
Joey: Oh come on guys, you're gonna get fired 'cause of me!
Ross: Joey, this is Sunday morning. Nobody has to go to work.
Phoebe: Well, I do. But I don't care. Joey's story is gonna be much more interesting than massaging a 79 year-old woman.
Joey: There's nothing to tell!
Chandler: Nothing to tell?!! For crying out loud, did you know who you just slept with?
Joey: Apparently I'm not too familiar, okay? That's why I embarrassed myself before. Although I really didn't know who was Danny Moore either.
Monica: It's Demi Moore. You remember her don't you Pheebs, when you cut my hair wrong and make it look like Dudley Moore?!
Phoebe: Oh yeah! (laughing) Yeah, your hair was so messed up it's the funniest thing that… (Monica is not laughing.) …that will always make me feel bad about myself.
Rachel: Okay, so how was it? Oh, I'm sorry I was being impolite. (pause) You should start with when, how, and where.
Joey: All right, all right. I went to the Basic Instinct 2 audition. Oh, it was so crowded. I even saw Brad Pitt and David Arquette in there.
Monica: Really?!! Oh, could you find out if those two are still single available bachelors? Although—I like David Arquette more. I think he's very sexy in a funny kind of way.
Rachel: No kidding! I always find Brad Pitt very funny in a sexy kind of way.
Joey: Guys, I don't care.
Rachel: But enough about us! Where were we?
Chandler: Joey was in the audition. And you two came out of nowhere with your annoying fantasies. What? Do you think you could like marry them and be their wives?
Monica: Well honey, if I wasn't stuck with you, you can bet my name is Monica Geller-Arquette by now.
Chandler: (not amused) Heh heh heh.
Ross: Ooh you know what? Our Joey and his lover here had one thing in common.
Phoebe: What?
Ross: They didn't like to wear any underwear!!
(Everybody laughs, except Joey.)
Joey: Hey, do you want to listen the story or not?!
Rachel: I'm sorry honey, we're all ears.
Joey: Well, it turns out she was involved in the casting process too. So I just use all my best acting stuff.
Monica: Like your smell-the-fart acting?
Joey: Especially that! Yeah, come to think of it, I remember she was very impressed by it.
Chandler: Or maybe, she was afraid you were going to smell her actual fart. (Everybody laughs again.)
Joey: Very funny! Okay so it came down to three finalist. Me, Brad Pitt, and David Arquette.
Rachel: Wow! That's great news Joey!Joey: Yeah, it is. But she said that the decision won't be announced until three days. And I don't know why! It's not like there's a final audition with her or anything.
Ross: Oh my God!
Joey: What?
Ross: Until three days?! Don't you people know what this means?!
Monica: What?
Ross: She test-drived you last night! That's why she needs two days to test-drive the others!!
Chandler: Oh dear Lord, I wish there's something I can do to be one of the finalist… (Monica glares at him.) …of the Wimbledon.
Joey: What are you talking about—test-drive?!
(Everybody waits for Joey to realize it.)
Joey: Test-drive. (finally gets it.) Ooohh test drive…
Commercial Break
[Scene: Central Perk, continued from before.]
Rachel: Well honey, that's something new. Apparently she's not attracted to you. She just want to hmmm… try you.
Joey: Yeah, I didn't even have to say 'How you doin?' with her first. Although it's not like I'm attracted to her. I just want that part so much!
Phoebe: Well, you will always be my leading man, Joey.
Rachel: You'll be my leading man too, honey.
Joey: Thanks you guys. (Joey stares at Monica, waiting for Monica to say it too.)
Monica: What?! I'm stuck with Chandler!
Chandler: (angrily) Honey, if you say stuck again one more time, I'm gonna have to throw out all of our coaster from the balcony.
Monica: Wanna play 'stuck the stick' with me tonight?
Chandler: (excited) Okay!
Ross: And there's my baby sister, ladies and gentleman.
(Joey's cell-phone rings.)
Phoebe: Joey, I think your ass is ringing.
Joey: Oh yeah. Sorry guys, if you'll excuse me…. (Joey exits.)
Rachel: Poor Joey. (pause) Although I wouldn't mind test-driving Brad Pitt.
Monica: Or David Arquette.
Chandler: Or Jessica Rabbit.
Ross: Or Isabella Rosselinni. Damn! Why did I have to laminate that stupid card?! I could have been Mr. Rosselinni right now, you know.
Phoebe: See, that's what makes me different from you guys. I can't see what the big deal is about sleeping with celebrities.
Ross: Well Phoebe, since that will never going to happened, I suggest try fantasizing it.
Phoebe: Fantasizing it?! What do you mean? Like uh—like…. (Phoebe starts to fantasize about something.) Oh. Ohhh.
Rachel: Our little Phoebe is growing up. Who do you fantasize Pheebs?
Phoebe: I have no idea. But he told me his name is Richard Gere.
(Joey comes back.)
Monica: Who called?
Joey: (upset) Miss Stone herself. She told me I didn't get the part.
Ross: Wait, wait, wait. Is this one of your 'I didn't get it, when in fact I'm lying to you guys and I got good news for you'?
Joey: Ross, how can you say that? (smiles) Yeah, I am! Ladies and gentleman, get ready to meet the new leading man of Basic Instinct 2!
Rachel: Really, Joey?! She really said that you're hired?!
Joey: Well, not really—but she is going to meet me at the apartment this afternoon. I never get called when I didn't get the part.
Monica: Hm. Your test drive's result must've been a very good one. I think I'm gonna test-drive you too one day, you bad boy. (makes kissy faces and winks at Joey.)
(Chandler glares at Monica.)
Monica: What?!! You did it with Phoebe! I can do it with Joey too.
Joey: Yeah you can, baby. (Chandler glares at Joey now.) No, baby.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, everyone is sitting around when Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Hey.
Chandler: Hey, Pheebs. How's your massaging days?
Phoebe: Well, it was okay I guess. Mrs. Lansbury, you know, the 79 year-old woman, was kinda upset with me because I came very late. Yeah, she was really really mad. But then a guy in my fantasy this morning turns out to be my last client, so it's not so bad.
Monica: Wait wait wait. A guy in your fantasy this morning? Richard Gere?
Phoebe: Yup, that's him! Although I know this is only a dream, so I must be ready to wake up any minute now. Oh, he has the most beautiful body ever. He even coming on to me, you know. But I told him no, because I'm afraid I'll wake up while we're still, you know, "having fun". Yup, definitely a dream. (Rachel goes over to Phoebe and pulls out a hair from the back of her head.)
Phoebe: Oh mother of…. why you do that for??
Rachel: Phoebe! This is not a dream!! I can't believe you didn't even ask for his autograph!!
Phoebe: This is not a dream? (realizes) This is not a dream! That's why you don't take those pills anymore! (the buzzer rings.)
Joey: Okay everyone just calms down. Don't embarrass me again. (Joey opens the door and Sharon's standing there.) Hi Sharon!
Sharon: Hi Joey.
Rachel: (to Sharon) How dare you test-driving my Brad Pitt!
Monica: And how dare you test-driving my David Arquette!
Sharon: Test-driving? What are these women talking about? (to Joey) Are they drunk?
Joey: No, they're just a little ehmm…cuckoo. Come in, come in. (Joey closes the door.) So, do you have any good news for me?
Sharon: Well… (Everyone is staring at her.) (to everyone) Do you mind?
All: Yeah, of course. (They're not staring her again.)
Sharon: I come to tell you Joey, that-uh—that you didn't get the part.
Joey: (disappointed) What? But why?
Sharon: Because I fell in love with you. That's why I need those three days, to think about how I feel. And that's also why I can't work with you.
Joey: You fell—you what?? I can't believe this!
Sharon: I'm sorry Joey.
Joey: But I'm not lovable! I'm disgusting! I eat spagetti that falls on the floor! I like porn! I don't flush after I use the toilet! I threw a girl's wooden leg into a fire! I don't wear any underwear! And I don't even remember your movies!
Chandler: Way to go Joe! After this, she can't wait to give you the part!
Sharon: But it doesn't matter Joey. Those things are the things that made you attractive.
Joey: Really?! But uh-the thing is, I'm-I'm not in love with you. I just want the part, that's all.
Sharon: Even after we did it five times last night?
Joey: No, that's not love, sweetie. That's uh-that's what I normally do. (proud of himself.)
Sharon: Well, this is surprising. Usually, I dumped man. This is kinda new for me. Well, Joey, I guess we'll be friends then. Goodbye. (She exits.)
(Joey closes the door, turns around and…)
Chandler & Ross: YOU IDIOT!!! Ending Credits[Scene: Phoebe's apartment, Phoebe is there. There's a knock on the door.]
Phoebe: Just a minute. (opens the door and Richard Gere is there.) Richard Gere? What are you doing here?
Richard Gere: Well, I want to say that—I love you, Phoebe Buffay.
Phoebe: Whoa! I'm not going to miss this again—I love you too Richard! Why don't you come in and we'll make love all night long!
Richard Gere: Okay! First, I'm going to take off this jacket first. (takes it off.)
Phoebe: Ooh, yumm.
Richard Gere: Next, I'm going to open my buttons one at a time. Are you ready Pheebs?
Phoebe: Oh yeah!! I'm ready!!
(Just when Richard Gere starts to open his first button…)
Phoebe: (waking up) Richard? Richard Gere? (realizes that she's dreaming) Oh son of a—
End