Disclaimer – Don't own Pokemon and never said I did, so please don't sue me.

I really wanted to call it complicated but Avril didn't fit right and neither did Good Charlotte so I spent ages looking for this song so that I would be song less.

Reasons of the Heart – Complicated

Ash sat downstairs in front of a large stereo flicking through the tracks of the CD's.  The entire room was full of CD's sprawled into every crevasse.

"What are you up to?" Brock asked as he walked into the room.

"Listening to music," Ash explained.

He listened to the first few bars of the music and stopped it before the second line of words was through.

Brock scrutinized him doubtfully.  He bent down to the floor and picked up the closest CD to him.

"N sync, no strings attached?" Brock asked staring at ash disbelievingly and narrowed his eyes suspiciously. 

(A/N: I am not in any way, shape or form dising N sync, I for one think N sync rock and anyone who begs to differ can think otherwise)

"I borrowed them from Tracey and a few guys," Ash answered grabbing the CD case from Brock and replacing its contents.

"Who?"

"I promised not to tell," Ash replied.  He opened another CD case and shoved yet another CD into the stereo.

"So what exactly are you trying to do?" Brock asked.

"I'm trying to listen to this," Ash said slightly frustrated by Brocks insistent questions.

"Last time I checked that's not how you listened to music," Brock said.  "I always thought you were supposed to . . ." he trailed off.

"Shh shhh," Ash told him, cutting Brock off as he recognized a familiar introduction.

"Take my hand,

Touch my face,

Let me feel your embrace . . ."

Ash jumped up and stopped the song, glad that he had finally found it.

"So what's so special about this song that it actually got more than two lines in?" Brock asked annoyed that he had been shushed.

"This is Misty's favorite song," Ash told him happily.  "Don't you remember it?"

"Not really," Brock replied.  "It seems kind of familiar, but otherwise no."

"You sure?" Ash asked.  "Misty loves this song, she use to play it none stop all the time and we used to tease her because it was soppy and romantic."

"Actually speaking of Misty, soppy and romantic," Brock said as he went out the room to grab something.  He came back in a few moments holding up a costume.  "Melody sent this over.  I think it's your costume."

"What exactly is it supposed to be?" Ash asked gingerly lifting at what appeared to be a pale blue wing.

"It says here that you're a fairy prince," Brock said reading off the label.

"You mean I'm a freaking fairy!" Ash exclaimed.  "You mean she expects me to show up to this thing as a bloody fairy."

"Looks that way," Brock shrugged.  "Anyway," Brock continued, "at least you wont' be alone Parker has to wear wings too, his are all pretty and fluffy

"What did he get stuck as?" Ash asked.  "An angel?"

"Of course not, that would be far to obvious."

"Then what?"

"A seraphim," Parker replied as he walked in holding up a beautifully and intricately made costume complete with feathery white wings and halo.

Both Ash and Brock doubled over with laughter as Parker held the halo over his head.

"At least you don't have to wear a dress," Ash offered as his laughter died down.

"I'm not gong to laugh or complain," Parker promised himself.  "Melody went to a lot of trouble to makes these so I'm not going to complain.  I'm the highest ranking angel in the angel hierarchy and I will not complain."

"Well, I guess its kind of cool looking without the halo and wings," Brock shrugged trying to be supportive.

"I guess," Parker sighed.  "But I would have preferred to be a devil."

"At least you get to wear pants," Ash said looking slightly distastefully at his own costume.  "I mean, what the hell are these things?"

"I don't know," Brock told him, "but I'm sure as hell glad that I'm Demetre."

I Misty Waterflower of sound body and semi sound mind would like to announce that after careful consideration that in an effort to conserve the last of my sanity have decided to disregard all kisses received from Ash Ketchum and any emotions that may or may not have been attached to these for mentioned kisses. 

So there!

I thought about it long and hard and after about two days sick in bed have come to the conclusion that if I think about it any more I will honestly go crazy and I'm sure I'm already on the brink of sanity.  Scratch that, sanities like here and I'm somewhere down the other end of the world. 

So I decided to forget about it all, I mean its not like things aren't already complicated enough without throwing in a few kisses here and there and an 'I love you'.

Oh great, you know I had almost forgotten about that.  Now that's something that I really need to disregard if I want to keep sane.  I mean how the hell am I supposed to stay on the thin red line that keeps me here when Ash keeps throwing things like that at me to make me fall.

Thanks Ash.

You know what we really need to do is just sit down and have a nice old discussion about what the hell is going on here and exactly where we stand.  Are we friends?  More?  Less?  Is there something going on here that neither of us are brave enough to admit to?  Or am I as crazy as I think I am?

Yes, Misty Waterflower, the self-proclaimed lunatic.  And damn you Ash, I swear its all his fault.  I mean, I know that I was perfectly sane before he decided to just . . . swim into my life, no bad pun.  I was perfectly fine until he dropped into my lap, until he just broke down the walls and pushed his way into my life.

Those walls were perfectly fine the way they were.  Nobody hassled me; it sure as heck made dealing with my sisters a hell of a lot easier without all the freaking emotions to deal with.  The walls were good, I never got to close, I never got attached to people so when they didn't turn out to be who I thought they were, when they hurt me or when they just up and left, I didn't care.  People walked in and out of my life, I remained withdrawn and emotionless like I was on the other side looking in feeling nothing for the world around me.

With the wall all that really mattered were my Pokemon.  I didn't cry when I saw others crying, I didn't cry myself when I could help it only crying when it was completely inescapable.  I didn't care if someone was hurt other than my sisters and father.  I didn't put someone else's happiness above my own.  I didn't care if people cried, if it was my fault they were upset, and I didn't care.

I was like a shell of a human being with only the necessary organs, no heart.  Well at least not the metaphorical heart just a plain old ordinary heart that I hope will continue beating without Ash.  Sure, my metaphorical heart would die along with him, it would break into thousands of tiny pieces just to know that he didn't feel the same but maybe the physical one will keep on beating until it runs out of breath, keep on clinging to the last strands of hope.

Sometimes I look around me and I feel like an outcast, a misfit, and the odd one out.  I feel like I don't belong, like a lonely heart lost in a world of love, vulnerable and desperate for affection.  I feel unseen hidden in the shadows invisible to all the happy couples around me, I feel nonexistent a lost cause better best forgotten.

I wish I was still a shell, unfeeling, untouched, unaffected by the world around me.  I wish I had only the essential organs, I wish I didn't have my metaphorical heart.

No, that's a lie.  I don't wish that I were without one of the most precious things known to man.  No, I only wish that mine were reciprocated.

I guess that no matter how bad things get all I really want is for Ash to feel the same.  I mean everything could just fall apart at the seams, it could all just crumble away to nothingness, I could lose everything dear to me, give up on my dreams and everything would really be as bad as it seems but still if in those times I only had the one wish that could put my life back together again, that could pick up all the pieces and fit them into the right places I would still wish for Ash.

Is it really as bad as I make it out to be?

Maybe, maybe not but at least I'm safe this way.

The walls, they didn't just happen, just appear out of nowhere.  Those walls were built up after years of getting hurt.  I use to be vulnerable, trusting if you want to call it that, maybe even innocent but I just call it naïve and stupid.  I learnt that people take advantage of you when you open you're heart to them, so I stopped, I hid it behind a wall where people couldn't get to it.  The walls protected me, from all the pain, the suffering from the world.

But Ash opened them, my heart was opened again and I wore it on my sleeve where it could be broken easily.  I was poor naïve Misty again who trusted everyone.  I know it was stupid but I guess I couldn't help it, I opened my heart to the world again, and again the world broke it in two.

Actually it was Ash, but to tell the truth, Ash is my world.  I get the feeling that if he were to just disappear, everything else would just disappear along with him and I don't think that I could handle that a second time round.

So all I can do is pray that he doesn't disappear, that I can wake up tomorrow and he will still be somewhere out there so close I could almost reach out and touch him.

I hope he's still there.

I'm so scared that the way that I feel

Is written all over my face

When you walk into a room

I want to find a hiding place

We used to laugh, we used to hug

The way that old friends do

But now a smile and a touch of your hand

Just make me come unglued

It's such a contradiction

Do I lie or tell the truth?

Is it fact or fiction?

The way I feel for you

It's so complicated

I'm so frustrated

I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away

I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay

Should I say it, should I tell you how I feel?

Oh I want you to know

But then again I don't

It's so complicated

Just when I think I'm under control

I think I've finally got a grip

Another friend tells me that

My name is always on your lips

They say I'm more than just a friend

They say I must be blind

Well I admit I've seen you watch me

From the corner of your eye

Oh it's so confusing

I wish I could confess

But think of what I'd be losing

If your answer wasn't yes

It's so complicated

I'm so frustrated

I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away

I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay

Should I say it, should I tell you how I feel?

Oh I want you to know

But then again I don't

It's so complicated

I hate it 'cause I've waited so long

For someone like you

Should I say it?

Should I tell you how I feel?

I want you to know

But then again I don't

Is so complicated

(Carolyn Dawn Johnson 'Complicated')

Misty sat there, just staring at them.

She didn't know what else she could do, she didn't want to do anything else, and so she just sat there, staring at them.

They were beautiful, that was for sure.  They were perfect, so much so that she could tell from her position across the room.  They smelt amazing; they were brilliant shades of blue, red and yellow.

"He loves me, he loves me not," she whispered to herself willing the petals off the delicate stems of the flowers.

She didn't want to move, she didn't want to get any closer than she already was, so she just continued to stare while her mind tried to comprehend it all.

Merely minutes ago she had vowed not to think about him, she had sworn off him altogether.  Well at least as much as her mind would let her, which wasn't really much at all, but she had done it.  She had said she would forget about him, his kiss, his eyes, his hair, his smile, his laugh, even that stupid little hat and she hated breaking promises.

But no, she couldn't do that could she.  No, he just had to go and be the sweetest guy as per bloody usual and go buy her this gorgeous bunch of flowers with a cute little get well soon card.

"He loves me," she said pulling at an invisible flower in her mind.

She thought she could do it.  She honestly thought that she could go five minutes without thinking about him, but she was just kidding herself.

She could barely go five seconds, let alone five minutes without thinking about him, how on earth did she go five years without seeing him?

This was torture for her.  She knew he wasn't far, maybe one minute's walk in the right direction.  She knew she could just go over there right now and he would welcome her in with open arms, wrap himself around her and tell her everything she had wanted to hear for the last nine years.  Well maybe not everything she wanted to hear, but what he could tell her was more than enough, but she couldn't bring herself to move.

So she didn't.  She tried to but all she could do was just sit and stare.

"He loves me not," she whispered pulling off another imaginary petal from her imaginary flower.

She felt like a little kid again, making daisy chains and putting her entire life in the hands of a flower.  Could she do it?  Could she really just sit here asking a flower for the answers she'd been searching for her entire life?

She couldn't.  She could barely entrust into the hands of another human being, let alone a coin, which she knew, was far more reliable.  The coin had the same odds she had worked out in her head.  It was fifty – fifty unless you believed that stuff about the heads side being heavier, but basically it was the same and she liked those odds.  But flowers, the odds seemed as though they were against her, there were just too many petals to count and she couldn't tell which one held her answer.

"He loves me," she said again yet another petal falling from her imaginary flower.

Maybe she could just sit there and watch them, there's nothing wrong with that.  The flowers couldn't possibly hurt her, could they?

She didn't know. 

She thought Ash couldn't hurt, how wrong could she be? 

He was the one person who could actually hurt her, the one person who could break down the walls around her heart.  He was the only person who mattered, the only one that mattered enough to hurt her in the worst possible way.  He was the only one who mattered enough to break her heart in two with only a few simple words.

"He loves me not."

Misty closed her eyes and watched her petal float through the air.  It fell too slow it made her wait too long for the next one, the one she wanted to fall.

As a little girl she had learnt not to love, she'd learnt the hard way watching those she loved pulled away from her until all she had left were her sisters.  She loved her sisters, but she had built the walls so that they couldn't get to her, so that they couldn't hurt her, so they wouldn't get to her heart and then be pulled away from her at the last possible moment.

She didn't want to have to put a wall between herself and the world, but the strong Misty that people see on the outside is just a clever disguise for the little girl hiding inside.  She needed the wall to protect herself.  But what she needed was to be loved.

What she needed was Ash.

"He loves me . . ."

~ to be continued ~

Does anyone else actually remember doing that when they were little?  Oh those were the days.  By the way I'm suffering from severe and sudden outburst of nostalgia, and to think I'm only 15!  Yesterday I started reading the faraway tree, you know with Fanny and Dick (that's just sick and illegal in 49 states, I mean their cousins and their only kids).

So anyway, hope y'all liked that chapter and I hope nobody carked it (my current favorite NZ word) while reading this chapter.  Please review, thanks for all the ones I've received thus far.