By: Stew Pid
Rating: Should be okay for everyone.
Disclaimer: I only own the Stew Pid stuff.
A/N: Hey!! Well, I couldn't stay away too long. It's that old school's-almost-starting-and-I-haven't-finished-my-summer-goals-and-what-will-that-mean-for-my-semester-goals anxiety. I, of course, won't finish before school starts, but let's see what we can do. Anyway, hope you like this one. Important to read the A/N at the end. Well, not really, but it might be. Ultimately, it's up to you.
(Hartford Gilmore Residence. Emily, Richard, and Lorelai are seated in the living room. Lorelai makes music with the glass of wine, severely annoying Emily.)
Emily: Would you stop that?
Lorelai: (still stroking the rim of the glass) What?
Emily: You know what. You're giving me a headache.
Lorelai: Would it make any difference if I played something else? I take requests.
Emily: Just stop it, please.
Lorelai: I don't think I know that one.
Richard: What in heaven's name is keeping Rory so long?
Emily: Was that her on the phone a while ago?
Lorelai: Who?
Emily: Rory.
Lorelai: When?
Emily: A little while ago when you took your cell phone into the other room.
Lorelai: Oh. That's right. Yeah. That was Rory.
Emily: Well what did she say?
Lorelai: Just girl talk.
Emily: What is taking her so long?
Lorelai: Oh. She's having a little car trouble.
Emily: What?
Lorelai: Yeah. Her car sort of stopped. She was going to catch a bus. She should be here soon.
Emily: Well why didn't you tell us?
Richard: I could have picked her up.
Lorelai: Well, believe me, I was going to do that myself, but she said no. She said you could eat without her, but I told her we would wait for her.
Emily: Of course we'll wait for her. That's not the issue. Why didn't you tell us when she called?
Lorelai: Just didn't occur to me, I guess.
Richard: (to himself) I knew that car was no good.
Lorelai: Okay, that's why I didn't tell you.
Richard: I'm sorry, but I had told you so from the beginning. Rory should never have driven a car some boy made out of God knows what. Probably junk from under the sink.
Lorelai: You're right. If Dean made a car from stuff under the sink, I wouldn't have Rory drive it. I'd send it to Ripley's Believe It or Not.
Richard: When it comes to Rory's safety I find humor highly inappropriate.
Lorelai: The car Dean made was safe. But you forget, it went through a major accident, and Chris had it fixed, yeah, but it's not going to be the same.
Emily: Believe me, I haven't forgotten about the accident. It's probably for the better that the thing gave out. Now we can get Rory a good reliable new car. It's right in time, too, because I'm really not satisfied with what I got her for her birthday. Richard and I will stop by the dealership tomorrow.
Lorelai: Oh wait. Not this again.
Emily: Lorelai, I will not allow you to make any ridiculous protests. I don't see why you'd let Rory have a car as a gift from some boyfriend and not her own grandparents.
Lorelai: You're not going to buy her a new car. The one she has can be fixed. It's probably just the alternator.
Richard: It's amazing how people just take it upon themselves that they're licensed mechanics.
Lorelai: Like the time you decided you were going to fix antique cars.
Emily: I just don't see why you won't let us get her a car when she needs one. It's not like you're against her driving because she's been driving all this time.
Lorelai: I tell you what, hold off on it now. If the car gets any worse, you can make that her graduation gift.
(Emily is about to say something when there is a ring at the door. The maid goes to answer it.)
Lorelai: Oh, don't worry. I'll get it. (Lorelai gets up and leaves for the door. She opens.) What took you so long?
Rory: I think I called and explained the situation.
Lorelai: You don't know what I just went through. Dean making the car and Jess breaking the car came up in like back-to-back sentences.
Rory: I'm sorry. You couldn't tell them I was helping this woman deliver a baby on the highway or something?
Lorelai: Well, Doogie, that's so obvious. I can't believe I didn't think of it. Too late now.
Rory: I'm sorry. (They meet Emily and Richard in the living room.)
Emily: Rory, are you all right?
Rory: Fine, grandma. The car just got a little fussy. It decided it didn't want to start. It's probably the alternator.
Lorelai: (to Richard) What can I say? It must be genetic.
Emily: Well what do you say we eat now?
Rory: Yes, I'm starved.
Lorelai: (whispers to Rory) They so let you off the hook.
Rory: At least you're spared Round Two.
(Later. At dinner. The maid clears away the plates and sets the dessert dishes. She returns with a cake and candles. Emily and Richard begin singing Rory "Happy Birthday." Lorelai joins in. The singing stops and Rory blows out the candles. The maid proceeds to serve the cake.)
Rory: Thanks, Grandma and Grandpa.
Emily: Well, I know it's early, but your mother told us you were having a party on your birthday at home and we wanted to do a little something here.
Rory: Are you coming on Sunday?
Emily: We weren't sure we were invited.
Lorelai: Of course you're invited.
Emily: We didn't get any invitations.
Lorelai: Uh, yes, you did. The invitation was when I told you, hey, we're doing a birthday party for Rory at the house on Sunday.
Emily: That hardly qualifies as an invitation.
Lorelai: I'm sorry. Next time I'll send over a barbershop quartet.
Rory: So will you be able to come?
Richard: I don't see why not. It's not every day your favorite granddaughter turns eighteen.
Lorelai: Well, there was that time she turned an eighteen in Atlantic City, but by the time the night was through she lost everything.
Rory: What can I say? You've got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em.
Emily: Well, we will be there on Sunday. It should be nice to meet your friends again.
Rory: And there are some new ones. You'll get to know my boyfriend.
Richard: Boyfriend?
Lorelai: Come on, dad. You didn't really think Dean would be the last of them, did you?
Emily: You never told us you had a new boyfriend.
Rory: I guess it never came up.
Emily: Well how long has this been going on?
Rory: Almost two months.
Richard: And who is this young man?
Rory; Uh, his name is Jess. You met him before, actually. You probably, don't remember, though.
Richard: That arrogant, insolent young boy from the diner?
Emily: The one from the accident?
Lorelai: I guess they do remember.
Richard: (to Lorelai) And you're allowing this?
Lorelai: Yes I am. But what I will not allow is for you to ruin Rory's birthday party with this.
Rory: Please. No scenes. Just, be nice. You just have to get to know him. Give him a chance, please.
(Richard and Emily exchange looks and shrug indignantly to Lorelai and Rory. They all retire to their cake in silence.)
(Later. Gilmore Residence.)
Lorelai: Well, we could always say it was just a practical joke and hide Jess in the garage.
Rory: I don't think anything more fits in the garage.
Lorelai: So what are you going to do?
Rory: There's nothing I can do. I just hope they'll be at least civil. They'll be civil, won't they?
Lorelai: Civil as the Civil War, I'm sure.
Rory: You're very helpful.
Lorelai: Aw. Cheer up, kid. Just think, maybe Taylor will decide to enforce the Blue Laws and forbid traveling on Sunday.
Rory: Yes, that's always a possibility.
Lorelai: I'll talk to them.
Rory: That could potentially make it worse.
Lorelai: I'll talk to them and you talk to Jess.
Rory: (sigh) Okay.
Lorelai: Now go to bed. Big day tomorrow.
Rory: Good night.
Lorelai: Good night, kid. (Lorelai kisses Rory's forehead.)
Rory: Just remember, you can't do that on Sunday if Taylor does decide to enforce those Blue Laws.
Lorelai: Noted.
(Next day. Luke's. Lorelai and Rory come enter the diner. Luke is with Kirk.)
Kirk: Well, it wasn't easy. I had to beat every old lady from here to Stamford.
Luke: I'm sure you appreciated the pay-back.
Kirk: That's besides the point.
Luke: Look, did you get them?
Kirk: I got them.
Luke: How much do I owe you?
Kirk: Three hundred.
Luke: What?! What kind of seats are they?
Kirk: Excellent seats. Close to the exit in case of a fire, the concession stand in case you get hungry.
Luke: And the stage?
Kirk: I'll throw in my binoculars.
Luke: Geez, Kirk. You said you could get me great tickets at a great price.
Kirk: These are great tickets. And do you know how much money I saved you in medical bills?
Luke: I have health insurance.
Kirk: I have an appointment to realign my coccyx. I really thought you'd be more appreciative. After all, it could be your coccyx we're talking about.
Luke: Trust me, I'd never discuss my coccyx with you.
Kirk: So do you want them or not?
Luke: I'll pay two hundred for them.
Kirk: Deal.
(Kirk hands Luke the tickets. Luke pulls out his wallet and hands Kirk the cash.)
Kirk: A pleasure doing business with you. (Luke mutters as he walks to the Gilmores.)
Lorelai: (to Rory) Is it frightfully disturbing that Kirk owns a pair of binoculars?
Rory: Well, there's nothing wrong with owning binoculars per se, but the fact that it's Kirk, yes, I agree, does make it disturbing.
Luke: What do you two want?
Rory: Pancakes. The usual.
Lorelai: What was that all about?
Luke: What?
Lorelai: Are you going to make me discuss your coccyx?
Luke: Oh. Kirk was going to get some tickets for me for something.
Rory; Huh.
Lorelai: You know, Luke, you should consider a career as a news anchorman. What are the tickets for, Mr Koppel?
Luke: Just some show Nicole wanted to see.
Rory: Aw. How sweet.
Lorelai: I don't know about that. She wants to see a show and you get Kirk to scalp you some tickets?
Luke: Look, the tickets were sold out. Kirk said he had a connection so I went through him.
Lorelai: What are you guys going to see?
Luke: Yeah, um, well, Nicole really likes Engelbert Humperdinck and he's going to do some benefit in Hartford this Sunday so I thought…
Lorelai: Engelbert Humperdinck?
Luke: Remember I still haven't made your pancakes and I could easily decide not to.
Lorelai: Oh all right.
Rory: Wow. So that means you're going to miss the party.
Lorelai: No, that'll be some party all right. Being the only one with binoculars at the back of an Engelbert Humperdinck concert in a crowd of visually impaired, notoriously violent old ladies. That's going to be some night.
Luke: Anyway, Rory. I'll stop by early on Sunday to bring something, you know, for you and some ice. And I'll make sure Jess brings over an ice refill when he goes.
Lorelai: Great. That's really the only reason we invite you.
Rory: Your presence will be missed, but have fun.
Luke: All right. I'll come back with your pancakes.
(Lorelai starts singing "Last Waltz." Rory shakes her head. Luke returns with a stack of pancakes for Rory and gives Lorelai a stern look.)
Luke: No pancakes for you.
Rory: You just got blacklisted by the Pancake Nazi.
Lorelai: Can't you split yours with me?
Rory: That depends. Do you take requests, Engelbert?
Lorelai: Of course.
Rory: Quando, Quando.
(Lorelai starts to sing. Luke comes over and takes the pancakes. She stops and they both pout. Then break out into "There Goes My Everything.")
(Later. Rory and Jess are walking around the Town Square.)
Rory: Since Michel wasn't there I had to translate and my French has gotten really rusty and I was trying to explain that American currency is different from Canadian currency, but I said moine instead of monnaie and so they ended up strangely fascinated about how an American monk is worth more than a Canadian monk. It was bad.
Jess: So I guess you won't be able to teach me a foreign language after all.
Rory: Maybe Latin.
Jess: That should come in handy.
Rory: Definitely might with the monks.
Jess: Unless they're those Canadian monks. (they stop in front of the diner and he pulls Rory close) Well, I'm not shipping off to a monastery just yet.
Rory: Hoc est bonus. (They kiss)
Rory: (parting) How long before you have to go back to work?
Jess: I've got roughly ten minutes.
Rory: Roughly?
Jess: All right. Four minutes, but who cares?
Rory: Okay. I have to talk to you.
Jess: I have to get back to work.
Rory: You have four minutes.
Jess: I was just saying that.
Rory: You don't even know what I'm going to say.
Jess: But I know it's going to be bad.
Rory: No you don't.
Jess: You drew in your brow, tightened you jaw, and did that side look to the floor that you always do when you're going to say something I don't want to hear.
Rory: I don't know whether to be happy you know me so well or angry that you're going to run away from whatever I have to say just because you don't want to hear it.
Jess: All right. I'm listening.
Rory: Tomorrow.
Jess: I had a feeling.
Rory: I told you about the party. My grandparents are coming.
Jess: Sounds great. Hope you all have fun.
Rory: (sternly) Jess, you're coming.
Jess: Why? I can take you out tonight for your birthday. Then you can have your party with them tomorrow.
Rory: First of all, you can't take me out tonight because I have to clean my room for tomorrow. Plus, we've been through this before. Too many times. I'm not going to do this double life thing. My birthday is tomorrow and I want to spend it with the people I love. All of them.
Jess: Fine. But how about I stay in a different room from them the whole time. Then we'd never have to meet.
Rory: That's impossible. And I want them to meet you. But you have to try to make a better impression than the last time.
Jess: What? I was completely charming the last time.
Rory: Try to be less charming. Please. For me. Make it my birthday gift.
Jess: Who said I was going to get you anything in the first place?
Rory: Luke said you were getting ice.
Jess: Now he ruined the surprise.
Rory: I'll act very surprised. (She kisses Jess good-bye and leaves.)
(Hartford Gilmore residence.)
Emily: So Lorelai, what brings you here? You were here yesterday. We'll see you tomorrow. I know you try to make our reunions as infrequent as possible, so what's up?
Lorelai: Uh, well, um, yeah, okay. Here goes. About tomorrow, I know yesterday there was a bit of unresolved tension, so I just wanted to tell you, it's Rory's 18th birthday. She deserves for it to be unimaginably wonderful. She really wants you and dad there, and she'd also like Jess there and she'd like you all to get along. That's what she'd like but that's not what I'm asking for. I'm asking you to be there and to pretend, just pretend, to get along with him. It would make Rory happy and that's what matters. All I'm asking is that for one day you forget you dislike this kid, forget about the accident, the day at the diner, forget how much you're against this whole relationship. Just…
Emily: Lorelai, Richard and I already decided to do just that. We want Rory to have a great birthday just as much as you do. But I will not tolerate that young man ruining Rory's birthday either.
Lorelai: It won't happen. She was going to talk to him. I mean, not that she needed to talk him out of ruining her birthday. I'm sure that was never his intention. She's just talking to him about, you know, prepping him for…the food. Just to make sure he's not allergic to anything and ends up having to be rushed to emergency or to the bathroom if he can't wait that long, because, you know, that can ruin a birthday. Or…
Emily: That's enough, Lorelai.
Lorelai: Right. Thank you. Okay. Wow. Great. This was easy.
Emily: It'd be nice if you would give us credit once in a while. Or pretend to.
Lorelai: Well, um, I have to go. Lots to do before tomorrow.
Emily: I'll see you then.
(Independence Inn. Lorelai and Sookie are in the kitchen looking at a huge cake.)
Lorelai: It's huge.
Sookie: For the Alice in Wonderland theme, when she's a giant.
Lorelai: Don't you mean when she's tiny? I feel tiny next to this.
Sookie: Well, whatever. See, I also made these little cakes over here (walking Lorelai over to a tray of little cupcakes.) And then I made these chocolate muffins that I'm going to frost and stick little M&Ms on to look like mushrooms.
Lorelai: What everyone wants for their 18th birthday. Diabetes. Seriously, Sookie, this is great. You really shouldn't have gone through this much trouble, though.
Sookie: For Rory, it's no trouble at all.
Lorelai: So I have to decorate the house, but I need to get Rory out of it first. Lane should be taking care of that department. Then, will you help in the decorating department?
Sookie: Of course. I'll be there around 2 o' clock tomorrow?
Lorelai: Sounds good. That's me, you, Babette. Luke is coming over to bring the ice so I'll get him to do a few things, too.
Sookie: Is he going to convulse when he sees all this?
Lorelai: If we're lucky, he won't see it. He's not coming to the party.
Sookie: Really? Why not?
Lorelai: He's taking Nicole out.
Sookie: Who's Nicole?
Lorelai: His girlfriend.
Sookie: Luke has a girlfriend?
Lorelai: Is it still six o' clock where you are?
Sookie: Oh, that's right. The lawyer. He's still seeing her?
Lorelai: Oh yeah. He's taking her to an Engelbert Humperdinck concert.
Sookie: Engelbert Humperdinck? I love Engelbert Humperdinck! Where is he playing?
Lorelai: In Hartford. How could you love Engelbert Humperdinck? You don't love Engelbert Humperdinck. You love saying Engelbert Humperdinck because it just sounds so ridiculous, but you don't really love Engelbert Humperdinck.
Sookie: If I recall your bachelorette party correctly, a second Long Island iced tea and you're loving Engelbert Humperdinck, too.
Lorelai: Shh. We all swore an oath that we would never repeat any of that again.
(Michel comes in humming "Last Waltz.")
(Next day. Rory is in the kitchen, eating cereal while reading the newspaper. Lorelai comes in.)
Lorelai: Hey! Happy Birthday! Wow. So you're 18. Guess you can throw out that fake ID. Now you're legally able to…
Rory: Vote?
Lorelai: That's right. No more sneaking into the voting booth for you.
Rory: Thank God.
Lorelai: When I think of all the things you had to do to get your voice heard…
Rory: Makes you sort of question the meaning of democratic government, don't you think?
Lorelai: Yeah, especially that last time.
Rory: That's right. It all backfired on me that time.
Lorelai: Yeah. You know, just for that Al's not coming to your party.
Rory: Is that why he's not coming?
Lorelai: Sorry, babe.
Rory: He'll get over it.
Lorelai: So what's so special about turning 18. There has to be something.
Rory: I think in some systems it's considered official adulthood.
Lorelai: Yeah, that's a perk. (gives Rory a hug) So my little baby's an adult now. (looks at the cereal box) Sorry honey, Trix are for kids. (she takes the box away and steals Rory's bowl for herself.)
(Later. Rory is in her room getting ready. Lorelai is watching T.V. continually glancing at her watch. The phone rings.)
Lorelai; Hello.
Christopher: Hey.
Lorelai: Chris, how are you?
Christopher: Not bad. You?
Lorelai: Ugh. You don't know. I'm a ball of nerves.
Christopher: She's 18.
Lorelai: I know.
Christopher: I can't believe it. Does that make us old?
Lorelai: Us, no. You, definitely. You're the one with the Volvo. Plus you've got another kid on the way. How is Sherry, by the way?
Christopher: She's okay. The baby's been kicking and moving a lot in there.
Lorelai: That one's going to be a handful. Just like dad.
Christopher: Yeah, I guess.
Lorelai: So I gather you won't be here for the party.
Christopher: I wish I could, but I can't get away right now.
Lorelai: No, I totally understand. It's going to be some party, though.
Christopher: I can imagine. But I don't want to have to Western Union your bail money this time.
Lorelai: No guarantees.
Christopher: So where is the birthday girl?
Lorelai: One second. I'll get her.
(Lorelai delivers the phone to Rory's room. Overhearing as she exits the room: )
Rory: Dad!…Thank you…I did. It came in yesterday…
(Lorelai shuts the door, and leans against it. She sighs and walks back to the living room.)
(Later. Rory and Lane are at the bookstore sitting on the floor reading out loud.)
Rory: "George was curious. Could he make a pizza, too?" Okay. Where was the Man with the yellow hat when all this was going on?
Lane: I have to say, he was a pretty irresponsible parent.
Rory: I think so, too. And get this logic. If George were a little boy, Tony would have gotten on the parents for not watching him. But since he's a monkey, yeah, let's hold him responsible.
Lane: Monkeys will be monkeys.
Rory: Exactly.
Lane: Gosh, this reminds me of first grade.
Rory: I don't think we were as analytical back then.
Lane: Maturity has ruined us.
Rory: I can't even eat Trix anymore.
Lane: Growing up sucks.
Rory: Amen.
Lane: Birthdays are still nice, though.
Rory: Yeah. They are.
(Gilmore residence. Lorelai, Sookie, and Babette are decorating.)
Babette: Oh, Lorelai honey, look what Morey and I made. We're taking these origami classes. Paper pocket watches. I thought it would go with the theme. We could hang 'em on the walls or something, don't you think.
Lorelai: That's great, Babette. Thanks. And thank Morey. He will be here, won't he?
Babette: Yeah, he's coming. He'll be late though. You know how he is.
Lorelai: Well, the late person wears the bunny ears.
Babette: You know, they used to call him Jack Rabbit in the old band. It was his look. You know how Sammy Davis Jr. always had his cigar in his mouth. Well, Morey always had a carrot stick.
Sookie: You know, that is kind of sexy.
Babette: Tell me about it.
Lorelai: I'm sure Jackson's on top of the world when produce accessorizing is considered sexy.
(The doorbell rings. Lorelai goes over. Luke and Jackson come in with numerous bags of ice.)
Lorelai: Gee, thanks guys, but I don't think we'll need to build an igloo for the Alice in Wonderland theme.
Luke: You really shouldn't run out, but just in case, I left Jess another bag to bring over.
Babette: You're not coming to the party, Luke?
Luke: No.
Babette: Why not?
Luke: I have to be somewhere.
Babette: Where could you possibly have to be? Just close the diner for one night. Most of us will be here anyway.
Luke: Caesar's holding down the diner. I have to be somewhere. (to Lorelai) Is Rory here by any chance?
Lorelai: Nope. We sent her out with Lane so we could transform this place to Wonderland.
Luke: (handing Lorelai an envelope) Well, give her this. Tell her I said 'Happy Birthday.'
Lorelai: Thanks. I will. (Luke nods and leaves. Lorelai closes the door, looking at the envelope.)
Babette: This is the first time Luke doesn't come to one of these.
Lorelai: (smiles weakly and puts down the envelope) Well, at least we know we have enough ice.
(Later. The party has just started. Lorelai, Sookie, Babette, Rory, and Lane are sitting around laughing. Rory is in a blonde wig. Lorelai has hearts painted on her face. Lane has antennae on her head. The doorbell rings.)
Rory: I'll get it. (she answers the door.) Grandma! Grandpa! Hey!
Richard: Happy Birthday, Rory.
Emily: What is that thing on your head?
Rory: It's a wig. I'm Alice. Welcome to my Wonderland.
(Richard and Emily come inside. Lorelai comes over.)
Lorelai: Hey. Just in time. Babette was just about to tell the story about how she met Niles Davis.
Richard: You mean Miles Davis.
Lorelai: No. It's Niles Davis. The famous arm-pit musician of Hoboken.
Emily: Dear God. Where's the gift reception?
Lorelai: Huh?
Emily: The table for the gifts. (she holds up two shopping bags.)
Lorelai: Uh, let's see. Whatcha got in there? (Lorelai peaks in and pulls out a small box. She looks around, puts the box on the side table.) There. That's the gift table.
(Emily rolls her eyes and she and Richard proceed to unpack the bags.)
(Later. The party is in full swing. All are sitting around Miss Patty who sits next to Rory telling a story.)
Miss Patty: So he says, "You excel Elizabeth Taylor at two things…
Lorelai: (whispers to Sookie) I wonder how many Long Island iced teas he had right there.
Miss Patty: "One is dancing and the other"…well, I can't say it here. (to Rory) You may be 18 now, but for some things you still have to wait 'til you're older.
Rory: I don't think I'm ever going to be old enough to hear the rest of that story.
(Lorelai stands up)
Lorelai: Well, what's say we eat. You can all just file over to the kitchen. No rush. There's plenty for everybody. And then some.
(They all line up in the kitchen as Sookie and Jackson serve. Lorelai is filling her plate when Emily comes up behind her.)
Emily: Is this boy not coming?
Lorelai: What? Who? When? Oh. Hi, mom. Enjoying the party?
Emily: (flatly) Yes. It's wonderful. You did a lovely job.
Lorelai: The sincerity is touching.
Emily: Really, Lorelai. You could take that ridiculous paint off your face.
Lorelai: But how will anyone know I'm the Queen of Hearts?
Emily: Theme parties are for children.
Lorelai: I'm weaning her off slowly. This morning, I took away her Trix.
Emily: What?
Lorelai: Never mind. You just can't admit that you like this, don't you? I saw you and dad examining the paper pocket watches.
Emily: I had never seen anything like that.
Lorelai: You were impressed.
Emily: And so if I was.
Lorelai: Wait 'til you get a load of the mushroom muffins.
(Kirk moves forward, bringing into view the mushroom muffins. Emily's face lights up.)
Emily: How adorable!
Lorelai: Help yourself, Alice.
Emily: Oh, I couldn't. Those must be terribly fattening.
Lorelai: So you do a couple of crunches tomorrow. Go ahead.
(Emily tentatively takes one. Richard comes up to them.)
Richard: Lovely party, Lorelai. Where's Rory's boyfriend?
Lorelai: Not here.
Richard: I always say punctuality is the defining quality of a man.
Lorelai: I always thought it was a Y chromosome, but okay. Look, it's a party. There's no set time to be here. He'll get here when he gets here. In any event, the show must go on.
Emily: (holding the muffin to Richard) Richard, try this. It's delicious.
Richard: (tasting) Mmm. I'll have one of those.
(All are seated, eating and talking. The doorbell rings. Rory goes to answer the door. Her mother and grandparents follow.)
Jess: Hey. Happy birthday. (kisses Rory on the cheek.) Sorry I'm late.
Rory: It's okay. You just have to wear the bunny ears.
Jess: What?
Rory: (places the ears on Jess.) Yep. Reserved specifically for the late person. It's an Alice in Wonderland theme. See. (she grabs her wig and puts it on.)
Jess: Rory, a dumb blonde. Never thought I'd see the day. Awake, at least. (Rory pinches his arm.)
(from behind the sound of Richard clearing his throat.)
Rory: Oh. That's right. Grandma and Grandpa, you remember Jess. He's my boyfriend. Jess, you remember my grandparents. They're…still my grandparents.
Emily: Nice to see you again, Jess.
Richard: I notice you're a little late. Any car trouble?
Lorelai: Well, enough with the greetings. Jess, we have plenty of food. Just help yourself right over there.
Emily: And you can leave your gift on the table right there.
Rory: Oh, let me take your jacket.
(Jess takes off his jacket, and in the process, palms one of the gifts off the table. He pretends to pull it out of his removed jacket and drops it back on the table. Emily, noticing this, raises an eyebrow. Jess and Rory leave for the kitchen.)
(Later. Rory, Lorelai, Lane, Sookie, and Jackson are playing charades against Miss Patty, Babette, Morey, Kirk, and Michel. Jess is eating in a corner. Richard and Emily come over.)
Richard: Hello, young man. Do you mind if we sit here? (gesturing toward the chairs next to Jess. Jess shrugs.) Why, thank you.
Jess: (clearing his throat. To Richard) So Rory tells me you started your own business not too long ago. How's it going?
Richard: Very well, thank you. Do you know anything about insurance?
Jess: Not enough people have it?
Richard: That's certainly true.
Emily: And what are you looking into, Jess?
Jess: Passing.
Richard: Excuse me? I'm not familiar with that profession.
Jess: It's pretty much just studying to get a decent enough grade on your exams so you can graduate.
Richard: I see.
Emily: Rory, you know, is very studious.
Jess: I hadn't noticed…Yes. She is.
Richard: See to it that you don't mess that up, young man.
Jess: Couldn't if I wanted to.
(Richard looks snidely at Jess)
Emily: Jess, you go to school here, don't you?
Jess: Occasionally.
Emily: Excuse me?
Jess: Yeah, I go to school here.
Emily: That's good. You're going to college next year, I presume. (Jess knocks on the table.) Have you applied?
Jess: Yeah. Um, Rory thought I should apply to Boston College, U-Conn, NYU, some places like that.
Richard: (doubtingly) Those are good schools.
Jess: That's what all the brochures say. (they collapse into awkward silence.)
Emily: You're from New York, aren't you?
Jess: Yeah.
Emily: Richard and I love New York. Although there was one time we were visiting there when a bunch of ruffians ripped off my purse.
Jess: That was you. (Emily looks at him mortified.) I was joking.
Emily: (fake laugh again) Oh. That's very funny. Wasn't that funny, Richard?
(Richard smiles his insincere assent.)
Jess: Excuse me. (He gets up and heads to the kitchen.)
(Later. Rory is walking about the house, searching. She goes to the kitchen and peaks out the back door. Jess and Bootsy are there. Jess has a cigarette in his mouth that he's about to light.)
Bootsy: So you can see why your uncle has always been jealous of me.
(Jess nods as he pulls out his lighter.)
Rory: Hey. What are you doing?
Jess: An intense exercise in patience.
Rory: You haven't played any of the games.
Jess: I played twenty questions with your grandparents.
Rory: Oh. How did it go?
(Jess shrugs.)
Rory: Come on.
Jess: What?
Rory: Come on.
(They go back inside and Rory is about to sneak him in her room.)
Jess: Can you bring the wig? (Rory pinches him again. Richard sees them and walks over.)
Richard: Rory, I think they're about to cut the cake. You should check in with Susie…Kookie…whatever her name is.
Rory: Sookie. Right. Okay. (she mouths "sorry" to Jess as she leaves. Jess is about to follow suit, when Richard takes his arm.)
Richard: A word with you, please. (they go into the room. Richard closes the door.)
Jess: Mr. Gilmore, Rory said we should bond but I don't think she meant like this.
Richard: All right you little smart mouth, I've had it. Let's make this clear. I don't like you. You are a rude, insolent cretin, an urchin, quite frankly, a jackass. I suppose you think it's cool to cut classes, disrespect your elders, and ruin innocent little girls, but you can take your cool act somewhere else. You have no future. You don't have what it takes. My granddaughter does, and you don't deserve her. Why she likes you is beyond me.
Jess: Stumped there, too.
Richard: Good. I'm glad you recognize it. Now I can't, of course, tell Rory not to go out with you. But I can tell you, if you so much as change a strand of Rory's hair out of place, I am going to wring your neck. Do you understand?
Jess: Is that all, Mr. Gilmore?
Richard: Yes.
(Jess nods and leaves.)
(After eating cake, Rory is escorted to the gift table to opens her gifts. Lorelai reads the cards out loud before each gift. After opening a gift from Michel—a French/English dictionar—Lorelai introduces the next one.)
Lorelai: "To Rory. It's not too late to become the next Ginger Rogers. Love, Patty."
(Rory opens the gift. Her old ballet slippers bronzed.)
Rory: Uh, wow. Thanks, Miss Patty. This brings back so many horrible memories, but now they're in bronze so they're beautiful.
Miss Patty: Stop by the studio any time you want to start up your lessons again.
Lorelai: In bronze slippers now. She's got enough trouble with her lead feet.
Rory: Hey.
Lane: It's true.
Rory: I know, but still.
Lorelai: (looks to make sure there are no remaining gifts) So that's it.
Rory: Thank you, everyone.
Emily: Wait. What about Jess' gift?
Rory: Oh, that's right. Where is it? It was in that box, wasn't it?
Lorelai: Like Kirk's gift.
Kirk: Did you get the free wrapping paper from Taylor's, too?
Taylor: I would never have given free wrapping paper to him.
Jess: Look, it's no big deal. You can look for it later.
Rory: Yeah.
Emily: You'll be looking for it forever. (Everyone hushes and looks at Emily.) He didn't get you anything. He stole a gift from off the table and put it back.
Lorelai: Mom!
Emily: It's true.
Rory: Well, that's okay. We still have to do karaoke.
Emily: How can you say it's okay? He comes in here, late, without so much as a bag of ice…
Lorelai: Yeah. What happened to the ice? (Rory looks at her sharply) Oops. Sorry. Mom, that's enough.
Emily: I just don't understand any of this, Lorelai. He doesn't even care to bring his girlfriend a gift on her birthday. He's been nothing but rude and withdrawn throughout. He's a sarcastic, insensitive jerk and I don't understand why he's here.
Jess: Neither do I. I'm out.
Rory: Jess. Don't.
(Jess pushes his way through the crowd and leaves through the back door. Rory follows.)
Rory: Jess, don't do this. I'm sorry they did that to you. I'm really sorry, but please, don't leave. I'll talk to them. They'll apologize. But don't leave like this. The party's not even over.
Jess: But this is over, Rory.
Rory: What? What do you mean, "this?"
Jess; You and me. Don't you see, Rory? It's not working. You don't want to do the double life thing, but I can't fit into that life of yours. All those people in there tolerate me at best. Nobody thinks I'm good for you, and maybe they're right. I'm no good for you. So that's it.
Rory: What about me deciding what's good for me?
Jess: When you're allowed to do that, give me a call. Good bye, Rory. Happy birthday.
(He walks away even faster. Rory stops following, distress all over her face. She goes back inside. Everyone is by the door. She pushes her way to the center of the crowd.)
Rory: I'm sorry everyone, but you have to go. You can take as much food as you like, but this party is over. (She's about to go to her room when she sees her grandparents.) How could you? (she doesn't wait for an answer and locks herself in her room.)
Lorelai: Sookie, could you help me pack some food for these people?
Sookie: Of course.
(Inside her room, Rory collapses on her bed. She finds a strange package labeled for her and opens it--a collection of Ernest Hemingway's Kansas City Star Stories. Rory turns to the bookmarked page. There is a single note on the margin in Jess' handwriting. "This one (the article is 'Mix Art, War, and Dancing') was Hemingway's favorite. He wrote it when he was 18. Happy birthday.")
(Lorelai has cleaned up the after-party mess. She goes over to Rory's room and knocks.)
Rory: (from inside.) Is everybody gone?
Lorelai: It's just me.
(Rory opens the door, crying. She goes into her mother's arms.)
Rory: (sobbing) I'm sorry, mom.
Lorelai: Shh. Welcome to official adulthood.
(Later. Lorelai and Rory approach Luke's. The diner is empty and he and Jess are cleaning up. Jess catches a glimpse of Rory through the window. He sees her bloodshot eyes and looks down. The girls enter.)
Luke: (solemnly) Happy birthday, Rory. (looks sharply at Jess)
Rory: (smiling faintly) Thanks. (to Jess.) Can we talk? Outside. For a moment. (Jess nods and they exit the diner.)
Lorelai: So you heard.
Luke: I'm sure not all, but I got the general picture.
Lorelai: Yeah. Anyway, let them work it out out there. How was your date? Were you close enough for Nicole to throw her underwear at Humperdinck?
Luke: Nah, but she got the usher good.
Lorelai: Any more underwear action?
Luke: Lorelai.
Lorelai: You do know you're never going to live this down?
Luke: Of course I will. I'll just threaten to cut your coffee. Depending on how it goes out there, you might not be able to weasel any out of Jess either.
Lorelai: You're starting to play dirty.
Luke: I learned from the master.
Lorelai: Aw. Thanks. You know, it was kind of weird today.
Luke: What?
Lorelai: You not being there.
Luke: Well, look what happens when I'm not.
Lorelai: Evidently.
(They hear a thud and look outside. Rory and Jess are against the window kissing furiously.)
Lorelai: Huh. That was quick.
Luke: What about the grandparents?
Lorelai: Ugh. I'll deal with that tomorrow. (they continue to look at Rory and Jess.) Those two have good lungs. Really good lungs. It's kind of nice, though. You know, to have that kind of thing. Sometimes I miss it.
Luke: Yeah, I guess.
Lorelai: What are you talking about? Don't you have it? With Nicole?
Luke: Well, yeah, well, um, you know. I thought we were talking about young lungs.
Lorelai: Right. (turns back around) Well, at least we know my coffee's not in jeopardy.
Luke: It never is, is it?
Lorelai: Nope. Fill'er up. (He fills a mug.)
The End
A/N: To any Engelbert Humperdinck fans, please do not be offended. I like Humperdinck, too! It's just that, in my terrible penchant for self-mocking, innocents like Engelbert and friends get caught in the cross-fire. But, to ensure there's no hard feelings, come on. Let's sing 'Quando, Quando' together.