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I'm British, so's my spelling. Live with it.
By Marcus L. Rowland
X
When I say Drusilla runs off, I'm not describing it well. It's more like she glides along the pavement. She doesn't seem to hurry, and her feet hardly seem to be moving under her long grey dress, but she's travelling as fast as a sprinter. Weird.
I can see this particularly well because she has me under her arm facing downwards, and I'm getting a great view of the ground and but not a lot else. I don't dare twist my head round to see anything more. Pretty soon I have no idea where we are, especially once we leave the road and head across country. I think it's a park at first, then notice gravestones to either side. A cometary, where else?
Eventually she opens a crypt and pushes a stone coffin to one side to reveal a spiral staircase going down into the bowels of the earth. It's pitch black down there, of course, but that's nothing to a vampire. She goes downstairs singing a little tune, something about lambs, and of course she takes me with her. Once she's below the top of the stairs she reaches up and pulls the coffin back to cover the stairs. Unless there's another way out I'm trapped with her, there's no way I'm moving it on my own.
"Here we are," says Miss Loony-Tune, and strikes a match to light some candles. The room they show isn't exactly cosy; your basic underground crypt, except that there's a big four-poster bed - getting that down into the Batcave must have been a good trick - a dressing table, and a table with a few chairs, most of them occupied by dolls. She looks over at one of them, which I guess is Miss Edith, and says "Yes, I'm back, and I'm still very angry," then seems to listen for a while. I strain to listen, and gradually I can hear a little voice, very faint. Can't make out a word it's saying though.
She holds me up and looks at me, and I try to look lifeless, then says "So you belong to the girl, do you? The green glowy girl." No idea what that's about, but I can't see it doing me any harm. She goes on "Miss Edith doesn't like you. She says you're a bad dolly. What have you got to say for yourself?"
I stay dumb, and she puts me onto another chair and goes on this way for a while, and I have a sinking feeling that this is all I'm going to hear until the Slayer rescues me or I somehow escape. And it goes on and on, Miss Edith talking something that sounds like gibberish to me, Drusilla replying to Miss Edith, and occasionally talking to me. The fourth or fifth time she gives me the line about Miss Edith saying I'm a bad dolly I've had enough. I snap and do something really stupid. I twist my head round to look at her and say "Would you tell Miss Edith to knock off calling me a bad dolly, I'm a goddamned dummy and all this yacking is giving me a headache."
From the way Drusilla reacts anyone would think she hadn't been bending my ear for the last two hours, or however long it's been. She kinda leaps back. I wink at her and say "Only kidding, toots. I'm made of wood, I don't get headaches, just really really bored."
"You're a talking dolly!"
I stand up on the chair and say "Will'ya just listen to what I'm telling you? I... am... not... a... dolly. I'm a goddamned dummy. There's a difference, toots."
"Difference?"
"Aint'cha ever seen any horror movies? Magic, or Child's Play, or Bride of Chucky?"
"I watch the stars, dolly, they sing my name."
"But not the movies? Your loss, toots. The point I'm making is that dummies have personality, dolls are mostly just dolls."
"But Miss Edith talks to me."
"Sure she does, but that's not really her talking. Miss Edith's been possessed by the soul of a witch who spent the last seven years trapped in a goddamned cheerleading trophy. She's a total looney-tune, baby, you don't wanna pay any attention."
"Miss Edith is telling me to kill the witch. Kill the witch, the Slayer, and the little girl too."
"Yeah, and that's worked for you so well every other time you're tried it. Let's face it, toots, trying to kill the Slayer is a mug's game. How many times are you gonna try before you wise up? Even if you managed it somehow, it wouldn't get the old Miss Edith back. The only way to do that is to get rid of the mad witch that's possessing her, and for that you'll need the help of the Slayer and her friends."
"Ask the Slayer for help?"
"Sure you can. Hadn't you realised? They're all of them suckers for a sob story. Give them that and an evil to vanquish and you've got it made, just let me help and you'll have Miss Edith back cured without getting staked. But mess with the Slayer and she'll hand you your head."
She suddenly grabs me and hugs me, and my nose is buried in a very interesting place. She's dancing around the room singing "Clever dolly has a plan, clever dolly has a plan..."
"Dummy, toots, not dolly. And my name's Sid if you want to get friendly..."
The rest of the night is very interesting.
Just before dawn Drusilla opens up the tomb and lets me out, and I start trying to work out the way back to Rovello Drive. It's a long walk for someone my size, fortunately I don't get tired and I don't get lost too badly, and the one dog that takes an interest in me runs off whining when I punch it in the nose. About eight or so I find the house and knock on the door. Willow answers, and lets me in once she's sure I'm alone.
"Thank the goddess you're safe. Did Drusilla hurt you? Buffy's been searching all over for you, she must have tried every cometary in town but there wasn't any sign and none of the local vampires seem to know where she's hiding nor does anyone at Willy's bar and I'm babbling again aren't I?"
"Kinda, kid. Slayer around?"
"She's in bed, better give it another hour or so, she was up really late searching for you."
"Sure, it's nothing that can't wait. Meanwhile you might want to start looking up a way to get that looney-tune witch out of the doll without damaging it, Drusilla wants to cut a deal."
"A deal?"
"Wait until the Slayer gets up, it's a long story."
At about ten Buffy has finished breakfast and I start to explain things. "The thing of it is, Drusilla doesn't want anything to do with Sunnydale. She wouldn't be here at all if it wasn't for the doll."
"What about trying to kill me?" asks Buffy.
"Well, yeah, she's tried that a few times, but I kinda convinced her that she'd be wasting her time to try again."
"Wasting her time?"
"Think about it. You're here, the only reason she needs to kill you is if she wants to stay here. She goes anywhere else, the best thing for her is a Slayer that stays in Sunnydale. And she really doesn't want to stay here, that's why she came back to get the doll. She thinks something bad is gonna happen with the Hellmouth, and she doesn't want to be around when it does. If I were you I'd be worried about that, didn't someone say that she's some sort of seer?"
"I thought that Drusilla liked disasters," says Willow.
"Sure she does, but likes the kind where there are survivors to feed on, she's kinda over trying to destroy the world. She says that was always Angelus's shtick, she was just in it for the laughs. Only she didn't quite put it that way."
"Sounds like you had quite a conversation," says Buffy. "Did you give any thought to finding out what her plans are, or how we can get close enough to her to stake her?"
"Her plan is to pick up the doll and get out of here, after that she just wants to leave. Keeps going on about something devouring from beneath, says she doesn't like the sound of it."
"We've heard that one before," said Buffy, "most of Sunnydale seems to be running scared right now. The vamps and demons anyway. How about staking her."
"There's a problem with that."
"What sort of problem?"
"Well, you remember that I was having some trouble explaining why I'm here?"
"Sure."
"The Powers finally got round to telling me last night, about four in the morning when I found a piece of wood under her bed."
"And?"
"And they want her alive. Or undead, anyway. My mission here, it's to get rid of Catherine and get Drusilla out of Sunnydale in one piece."
To Be Continued