A/N: This WIKTT Challenge response is based on the backstory found in my previous fic Serving Justice. While the story can be followed without first reading Serving Justice, I'd strongly advise reading it first to understand the Spirit and the relationships between some of the characters.
This is an Alternate Universe in which the character that dies in Order of the Phoenix lives on. Rowling might have been able to kill the character off, but I just can't.
Disclaimer: I in no way own these characters; the Goddess J.K. Rowling invented them. I'm just playing with them. Also disclaiming: Various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Speaking in Riddles
Chapter 1
A figure in black robes crouched low in the hallway of the Hogwarts dungeons, surveying the situation that had unfolded over the last hour.
A potion that he had been working on had mysteriously begun to smoke, and no charm he could muster as he retreated from the room had seemed to contain the acrid fumes. He was forced out into the hall, where he could contain the damage and wait out the natural aeration of the room to clear things enough for him to enter.
There was no doubt of what had gone wrong. He had become distracted, and had added too much suspension of eye of fire newt in the final step that normally made the Wolfsbane take on the characteristics of a liquid rather than a nearly-solid form.
Now he would have to start over. It was a good thing that Lupin insisted on having a month's worth stored in advance; it was quite possible that Severus Snape would not have this batch done in time.
It wasn't the first time this summer that he had made a mistake in his potions work. I must be getting old, he thought wryly, as surveyed his still-shaking hands. He knew that wasn't really the case, as the average wizard lived many more years than Muggles were accustomed to, and he really was just entering the prime of his life at age fifty. No, the issue that was causing his distraction was the keenly-felt absence of his mentor and friend, Albus Dumbledore.
Dumbledore sat down with him at the end of the spring term and gently informed him that both he and Minerva were retiring, presumably to some nice little cottage by the sea to live out the rest of their days together. It had never been common knowledge that the two of them planned a happily ever after, so naturally, most of the staff weren't the least bit surprised. It was revolting, of course, but what did one expect of a staff so sickeningly comprised of Gryffindors?
His next words were about Minerva's replacement. If it were possible, his mood could not have become any darker after that announcement. His very hated adversary from childhood, Sirius Black, was to become the new Transfiguration professor. Remus Lupin, who had stayed on at Hogwarts these past ten years as Defense professor, would become Head of Gryffindor.
Lastly, before Snape could escape or get a word in edgewise, he was informed that he was being promoted to Associate Headmaster and that there was simply no way he could turn it down. Disgusting to have to take on more responsibility at this school when all he really wanted to do was retire and be done with it. He had stayed because Albus wanted him there. Now, he had a perfect out. But Albus had requested that he stay at least one more year to assist the new Headmaster, whoever that would be, in making a graceful transition. He owed the old man that, but that didn't mean he had to like it.
Turning his thoughts back to Lupin and Black, he realized that half of his foul temper was the appalling efforts by those rejects from society to plague him at every turn with their cheerful Gryffindor attempts to include him in every bloody thing they did. He was no Marauder, and would never pretend otherwise. Did Gryffindors ever grow up? He supposed not, considering the ridiculous recent exploits of Potter and the many Weasleys. The only remotely palatable one of that bunch was Charlie, who was now the Care of Magical Creatures professor after Hagrid's early retirement in that role to go live in France with his new wife, Madame Maxime. He could appreciate and respect Charlie, if only because he was serious and quiet and kept to himself rather than engaging in that pesky ritual that seemed endemic to the entire Gryffindor lot of the staff – Trying to Redeem or at Least Cheer Up Severus Snape.
The worst one of that foul group had been Hermione. At the sudden pang of remembrance, the usual shame and anger and pain welled up inside. I won't think about it. I was a bastard, she has done the right thing by never contacting me again, end of story.
But, sadly, he couldn't help but indulge in introspection as he watched the tendrils of smoke writhe around his door.
*~*
Ten years before, he and Hermione had been through quite an trial together, and as a result of their closeness during the ordeal, had fallen in love. Certainly, they'd both had the best of intentions as they began their affair. She was his graduate student as well as his lover, and when she officially was given the title of Potions Mistress by the Ministry, no one had been prouder than he.
The problem for them was never love. The lovemaking was fantastic and frequent, the company was stimulating, and she was simply magnificent. Of course, she would be; she was a witch of the Order of Benevolent Light, and it was nearly impossible to resist a woman of that standing.
He had really known all along that it had been too good to be true. But of course, their relationship's end was all his doing. He would never, ever, pin this on her, though he was sure at the time that she felt it was her fault. Better to leave her hating him, than to open the door again.
He had not been loved as a child. It was one of the reasons he had identified so strongly with Draco Malfoy, really, and had tried so hard to redeem him. He and Draco suffered from the same difficulties; they certainly had the capacity to desire to love another, but not the ability to truly lay themselves bare before another human being. Intimacy was simply too difficult. There was always a part hidden from the other, which tended to have relationship-ending consequences.
The crux of the problem between Severus and Hermione had been his inability to really, truly let her in. She was more than open, and more than willing, and he knew he could have trusted her completely. But he was poorly conditioned to do so. It was impossible, and over time, he realized that.
Of course, she would never have let him go over this. Her innate Gryffindor sensibilities insisted that he would be redeemed, and made whole, and that she would accomplish this task for him.
He refused to allow this. A plan was formulated in his mind before she even accepted the job offer to the Manhattan Public School of Witchcraft and Wizardry as their Potions Mistress.
It won't be a problem at all, she had said quite breezily. We'll be together every weekend. I'll come to England every other weekend, and you can come to New York on opposite weekends. I see this as a temporary opportunity, anyway; I'll get some experience, and hopefully head back to Europe in a couple of years. You'll see. We never would see each other during the week anyway, even if I was in London working at the Ministry.
He had acknowledged that in the best of worlds, she was quite right. But this was the opportunity he had sought to let her go. He could no longer hold her and her Spirit back with his crippling difficulty with loving her enough. He would have to hurt her, but it would be better for her this way.
He came to her in New York shortly after she began teaching to end it. She gleefully played the Muggle tourist with him, taking him to the World Trade Center memorial, Lincoln Center, Times Square, and Rockefeller Center before taking him to the top of the Empire State Building. Her school was almost directly below the Empire State Building, in an abandoned subway line that ran more or less parallel to the Orange Line but a block away. It hadn't been used by Muggles since the 1940s, when then-President Franklin D. Roosevelt quietly set aside a few secret places in major American metropolitan areas to become public schools of magic. His wife, Eleanor, was a powerful witch whose pet project was to provide magical education for all, not just those who could afford the Big Four private academies of magic in the United States. Naturally, their amazing achievement was not recorded in the Muggle history books when children learned about the WPA and the CCC, but the MPEA (Magical Public Educational Authority) was still going strong over sixty years later.
Her walkup was located just around the corner from the School, at 32nd and Fifth Avenue. She lived above a Korean grocery and a cybercafe, and was already deeply immersed in learning the Korean language from a neighbor to help grow accustomed to the cuisine and atmosphere of the area. She chattered amiably in Severus' direction as she prepared a simple Korean dish that she had just learned from her neighbor. After they finished the meal, he decided it was time.
he began.
She looked him square in the eye. Don't even say it. The Spirit is perfectly aware of what you're about to do.
He was taken aback, but of course he should have expected that her ruddy Spirit would try and get in the way of his grand plans. I have to do it, Hermione. We have to finish this, here, and now. You're young and ready to start a new life. I'm an old idiot who cannot give you even a tenth of what you need, what you want. I don't want children, I don't want a white picket fence. I can't share my past, and I'm not even very good at sharing my present.
You love me. It wasn't a question.
Yes. But it's not enough.
It is for me.
I'm not giving you a choice in the matter. It's over. He stood, feeling that he better simply leave before she had a chance to talk him out of what he knew he had to do.
she whispered. If this is really what you want, and I'm qualifying that strongly: what YOU want, then I will let you go. I have no wish to keep you against your will and I suspect you think the Spirit is hanging on to you rather than me. Even though I know that's not true, and this is being done against my wishes, I will let you go without even a fight.
He didn't expect this, and part of him suddenly wanted her to fight. Damn her, anyway, for proving him right. Love really wasn't enough. He'd known it all along, but it didn't hurt any less right now.
She closed her eyes, and continued her request. Stay here tonight. Just one more night, Severus, and I can let you go.
He knew it was a bad idea. But looking at her face, the face that he loved more than his own life, he made a choice. He took her into his arms, and kissed her. She responded with a fire that they had not had since their very first coupling nearly three years prior. Their passion that night was as intense of a shared experience as either had ever had. Strangely, it didn't weaken his resolve as he was sure she would think it might. He left her lying in bed in the wee hours, and never looked back as he walked out the door.
He had never known the rest of what transpired that night. She never moved, but she had been awake when he left. She fervently hoped that her Spirit knew what it was doing. She had been granted patience along with the Gift, but she knew it would be a long time before she saw Severus Snape again. Even she wasn't aware of how long it would be.
*~*
The smoke seemed to be subsiding during the ruminations of a broken, old, bitter man. She had, in fits of weakness, tried to contact him over the years. He'd sent the letters back unread, so she would know perfectly that he wasn't interested in hearing from her. He knew she saw Narcissa fairly frequently. Draco never quite gave up twisting the knife in an extremely Slytherin way, discussing the fact that Hermione had been out to the Manor or Narcissa and Draco had gone for a weekend in New York and visited. That was another ridiculous thing about Hermione that screamed in a loud voice. She'd forgiven her rapist. Sure, he had been acting under Imperius, but please. She was too perfect and good. Just another indicator that he had done the right thing seven years ago.
Draco always wanted to tell him just a little more, but Severus stopped him cold. Really, everyone always seemed to have juicy news about Hermione on their lips for him, but he wouldn't hear it and would simply leave the room if the subject came up. Gradually, most of his associates completely stopped talking about her around him, which suited him fine.
Remus Lupin said, staring down at the dour Potions Master sitting outside the door of the Potions classroom.
I'm afraid you'll have to take the backup potion this month, Lupin. I've botched the fresh batch very badly.
Well, that's why we have a reserve, right? I'll help you clean up in there.
Severus nodded, suddenly welcoming that Gryffindor spirit still evident in Lupin. They still weren't exactly friends, but they had a decent relationship and often collaborated. Lupin was the only other professor left at the school now from Hermione's time. Everyone else had retired or moved on to other positions. Albus had mostly insisted on hiring very young talent for the positions that became vacant; the youngest professor of all was Neville Longbottom, teaching Herbology. There were a few others who had been in school around the same time, like Cho Chang. She had taken over Madam Hooch's position as Flying instructor and Quidditch advisor.
They worked in companionable silence for a while. At length, Remus said conversationally, So, have you spoken to your new boss yet?
No. I haven't seen him yet.
Remus frowned. Her. The Headmistress. Boy, you really have isolated yourself, haven't you? She's been all the talk in the staff room since she was announced.
I suppose that idiot Dumbledore got Madame Maxime as per his original plan.
No, it's not Madame Maxime. Remus felt panicked. Could Albus have really been so low as to not tell Snape the identity of the woman he would be reporting to? Talk about beating a Slytherin at his own game.
I don't want to even know, Snape said dismissively. I'll be up to my ears in it soon enough. One more year, and I'll be free. I don't care who it is, they'll wish that Albus Dumbledore was burning in hell by the end of a year with me.
I don't doubt that, muttered Remus. I guess it's not my place to talk about it, anyway. You know I was never one for gossip.
One of your only charming attributes. I'll be at dinner against my better judgment, so I can deal with this travesty then.
I can hear a dismissal a mile away, from you. I'll see you later, Severus. As the door closed behind him, Remus finally let out the breath he had been holding. This was going to be really, really explosive, and he wanted to make sure his old pal Sirius didn't miss it. They'd have a lot of pieces to pick up, and he wasn't sure if they'd be able to sort it all out if they weren't in on it together. Probably best to owl Narcissa to come by for dinner too, while he was at it.
Snape grumbled as he began re-doing the base for the Wolfsbane again in a new cauldron. The door opened again. He didn't look up.
Professor Snape, an Irish voice he'd not ever forget said. We have business to discuss.
He wheeled around. Mother Superior. To what do I owe this unlikely honour? Frankly, he was amazed that the Muggle nun was even still alive.
May I? she indicated an unused chair.
he said, have a seat. Tea? She missed the sarcasm dripping off his words, or perhaps chose to ignore it. You've missed Albus, I'm afraid. He's retired.
I know all about Albus. I've come to talk about you.
I cannot possibly fathom what business you and I have.
Oh? Not an idea, eh? Well I'll come to the point, then. You are the most worthless Protector and Companion I've seen in all my years. How could you leave her like that? When she needed you the most, you left her cold. No wonder women from your world are always running to me for protection!
He goggled at the impertinence of the ancient woman. I trust you have a reason to be here, calling me names, in my classroom; it's been seven years since I've seen her, and I don't plan on ever seeing her again. She's most certainly doing just fine without me in her life.
she said dryly, I believe you'll be seeing her sooner than you think. My dear boy, I don't know why her little piece of the Spirit chose someone so unworthy and arrogant to be her life partner. But, nevertheless, She did, and you have shirked your duties to Her and Hermione long enough. I've come to warn you to get your priorities straight and start loving that girl properly before you regret it. The two of you share something enormously special – a once in a lifetime gift, and if you don't care for that gift properly you'll find that your life may not be worth living.
he said tiredly, not wishing to fight for a change. I do love her. I'm simply not what she needed. The Spirit made a mistake in choosing me. I've lived in a world of unholy and daily penance for what could have been ever since, but I did the right thing by releasing her. I don't expect you to understand.
I'd tend to agree that you aren't the right thing, if I didn't know that God wasn't in the business of making that kind of mistake. I promise you, son, I never thought I'd be doing thisactually forcing the issue between you two, but I must. It's not just your life or her life at stake in this. You'll soon have a chance to rectify your idiotic actions in leaving her. Do the right thing. If you need me, owls can find me in Ireland. With all that cryptic nonsense, she stalked out of the room.
Snape stared at the floor for a minute, flabbergasted at the old woman's impertinence. How dare she come here to open old, painful wounds and not offer one concrete piece of information to him? What was this bunch of nonsense about doing the right thing and God and other tripe? He would not have an occasion to see Hermione Granger again, and the world was better for it.
He hadn't time to continue on with the Wolfsbane for the night. It was nearly time for dinner.
*~*
Severus just had time to pull on his leather vest and best robes before rushing to the Staff Room for dinner. He'd taken to wearing leather in the summer just to get under Cho Chang's skin. She was an avowed animal-rights activist these days, and he liked to keep the girl off balance. A man had to have his little pleasures sometimes, and Severus's always seemed to revolve around making other people upset or uncomfortable.
Before he got to the Staff Room, he ran into Sirius and Lupin, skulking outside the doors. What in blazes are the two of you up to?
Narcissa is joining us tonight, we're just waiting for her. At the sound of her name, Narcissa appeared as if on cue. All three of you lovely gentlemen, then? I'm a lucky woman
Narcissa really, really looked great these days. Snape could remember a time when she was so fragile and drunk all the time that she looked many years older than her true age. She'd taken to spending many evenings with Lupin, which seemed to agree with her well.
After being married to Malfoy, anything was an improvement, Severus thought. Even that idiot git Lupin. At first he'd had a few uncharitable thoughts about Lupin's involvement with Narcissa, often muttering to himself, Money changes everything. But Lupin never showed a sign of wanting to actually marry her for her money, and he was still as shabby and disheveled as ever most of the time. Gryffindors. Who could fathom them?
The four of them entered the room together, and were greeted by the other teachers who were already in attendance. Miss Chang regarded Severus with a snort of disgust, and stalked to the farthest end of the table. He smirked at her, noting grimly to himself that her only virtue was that she was a Ravenclaw. His eyes flicked up and down the table, but he didn't see the new Headmistress anywhere. Satisfied, he sat down next to Lupin and grabbed a goblet of water.
The door opened, and his eyes registered a sight that nearly caused him to faint.
Hermione Granger.
Everyone's eyes seemed to be following a tennis match, watching the two of them regard one another silently for a moment. Then she entered the room, and sat down across the table from Snape. She motioned to someone behind her to enter the room.
It was a child. The little boy walked in behind Hermione, and sat beside her, looking shyly around at all the adults. Cho and the Charms teacher, Fleur Delacour, immediately winked at the little boy and there were smiles all around.
Snape was outraged. He knew that Black and Lupin and – everyone – had known that Hermione would be here. And with a child! Why had no one mentioned this before now?
Of course, he knew the answer, but he hated to admit it. Many had tried to talk to him about her, but all had failed. He had closed himself off and had purposely wanted no idea what had happened in her life.
He kept waiting for the adoring husband to walk in, the father of this little boy, the man who would be making her happy instead of him. But the door was closed.
No one had spoken. Finally, the silence was broken, but not in the way that Severus had expected.
My name is James, the little boy said, looking right at Severus. I know everyone else here, especially Uncle Remus and Uncle Sirius and Auntie Narcissa. But I don't know you.
Impertinent little boy. He looked again at Hermione, who only had a small smile and said nothing.
Well, go on there, Snape. Tell the boy your name. This from a highly amused Sirius Black. He noted that Lupin didn't look so amused, and had a lot of unsaid information hanging in his eyes. Blast that idiot for not forcing the issue and telling him about this earlier. Someone had mentioned in passing several years ago that she had been made the associate principal at her school. This really was a natural progression for her, but blast Albus Dumbledore for perpetrating this one final heinous act on him!
Hello James, Severus said, defeated and noting that she named the boy after Potter's father. Could Harry be the boy's father? I'm Severus. It is veryto meet you.
said the boy, I know all about you. You're Mum's Companion. No trace of malice in the boy's words, but Severus was thrown off balance and looked helplessly around at all the faces staring at them.
He became increasingly angry that she had not sought him out before this, for a more private warning. Every single teacher at Hogwarts was watching this debacle, and there was no escape. And why hadn't Hermione said a word to put him out of his misery now?
Indeed. James, how do you like it here so far? He was trying to make idle conversation, hoping everyone would stop gaping and get on with the meal.
It's very nice, very different than my home in the city. Nearly Headless Nick is the coolest ghost I've ever met. Can we eat yet? he said, pointing to his plate. The boy looked at his mother with dark eyes not all that different than her own, and she nodded. Then, something extraordinary happened.
The boy began waving his hands most animatedly in her direction. Then she appeared to answer him in kind. Sign language.
With dawning shock, he realized that she must be deaf. He couldn't tear his eyes away from her exchange with her son, now. Everyone else in the room finally decided that it might be prudent to look away from the abject look of pain on Severus's face as he watched the scene unfold.
He couldn't understand why, or how, she could be deaf. There were plenty of magical cures for that particular malady. He knew no deaf wizards or witches, mainly because a simple spell could restore hearing. What had happened? He was starting to feel that old familiar shame, at not having read her owls, not having answered her in her time of need. He quelled a sudden desire to pick up where they left off, to take her in his arms and carry her down to the dungeons and make passionate love to her. He supposed the proximity of her Spirit was having that effect on him. At least he knew why the old bat had come to see him earlier.
Lupin leaned over, and said, I think no one would object if you stole them away for a minute and had a private conversation. It might be a good time
I'll thank you to stay out of my life, Lupin.
She was looking at him again, and her look of amusement had turned to sadness. She signed a few words to her son, who looked again at Severus. She says it would be all right if I called you
Time stood still for a second, as his brain processed what the boy had just said. No, no, life couldn't be this cruel. He stood up, his eyes never leaving the boy's, and said, I'm sorry, young James, I must leave for the night. I will certainly see you soon. He didn't want to traumatize the boy, but this had gone far enough. He started for the door, but on his way out, he stumbled and to his horror, lost his footing and fell. Strong and gentle arms caught him, and he turned to look up into her eyes. He didn't trust himself to speak as he got up and fled the room.
~*~
TBC