"Hey, you mind getting a room or something? This isn't the backseat of your car, ya know...!"
"Ew! Jeffrey Nero Hardy, you just smeared your disgusting body paint all over my brand-new peasant blouse!"
"Ey, that guy at the counter ripped me off, see; this is so not Extra Extra Jumbo Humongous Size© popcorn at all...!"
"Let's put a hit on him, Bull..."
And thus we open the scene
with a random bunch of WWE Superstars squeezing and shoving their way down
the aisle of a darkened movie theater to attend the premiere of one in
a long list of Vince McMahon's half-baked brain...er, children. Molly Holly
glared at Jeff Hardy in the dark, before flipping back her hair and sidestepping
the ex-WWE wild child, sniffing haughtily, "You're worse than a dog when
it comes to number of showers per week, Jeffrey Nero Hardy!" Jeff made
faces at her behind her back, while behind the two the FBI marched on with
Chuck Palumbo and Johnny Stamboli carrying between them a massive tub of
Extra Extra Jumbo Humongous Size© popcorn.
"Will everybody just sit
down," Ivory ordered impatiently as the massive movie screen in front of
them began to light up with the opening credits. The WWE Superstars obediently
got into their seats and tried their best to shut up, as the movie began
and somewhere in the background Steve Austin harassed the beer vendor.
An important, official-sounding
voice-over began to announce grandly as random images filled up the screen,
"Vince McMahon presents a thought-provoking Vince McMahon Productions Film
by Vince McMahon, a Vince McMahon epic directed and produced by Vince McMahon,
starring actors selected specially by Vince McMahon, to bring to life this
Vince McMahon major motion picture about a Disney film that Vince McMahon
ripped off to line the wallet of Vince McMahon!"
"Yeah, we kind of get the
picture there, buddy," Test remarked dryly, while beside him Stacy Keibler's
eyes started to cross as she tried to keep up with all the times the voice-over
had uttered Vince McMahon's name. Meanwhile, back on the movie screen,
the voice-over guy resumed to babble, as a picture of the back of some
random guy's head filled up the screen.
"This Vince McMahon film,
courtesy of Vince McMahon's World Wrestling Entertainment, is a live-action
retelling of Disney's classic Aladdin," he began, as the cameras
zoomed in closer on the back of the guy's head on the movie screen.
"Uh...is that Aladdin?"
Scott Steiner frowned, squinting and reaching into his jacket pocket to
pull on some reading glasses that made him look ten times smarter than
he probably was ever going to be.
"Yes, that's Aladdin,
for all of you wondering," the voice-over snapped testily, then cleared
his throat. "Now, let's move on, shall we?"
The cameras finally stopped
poking their lenses into the back of "Aladdin's" head, instead zooming
over to focus on a much more familiar redhead fighting off the various
wardrobe personnel trying to shove her into an off-the-shoulder halter
top and harem pants.
"This Vince McMahon-produced
epic retelling of Aladdin stars WWE diva Lita as Princess Jasmine!"
the voice-over declared grandly, as back onscreen footage of Lita fighting
off the evil wardrobe ladies continued to roll.
"I am not going to
be caught dead wearing poofy pants!" Lita declared fiercely, then whined,
"Ow, watch the neck!" as somebody tried to slap a tiara on top of her head.
Molly sighed while Ivory smacked her forehead in embarrassment, and Chavo
Guerrero, trying to find the silver lining, muttered while shrugging his
shoulders, "Oh, well, at least it's not as if Vince cast his daughter as
Jasmine--yikes, can you imagine Stephanie hitting those high notes in "A
Whole New World?" And he shuddered. Hulk Hogan, sitting beside him, turned
around and clapped a heavy hand on the smaller man, questioning, "Are you
really sure you're that grateful about the redhead being Jasmine, brother?
Last time I knew, she didn't exactly have the greatest set of pipes around
either, if you catch my drift." At that, some guy sitting in front of the
two whipped around angrily, snapping, "Hey! How dare you dis my wrestling
goddess, my idol, the center of my universe, the only reason I get up in
the morning, you hulking, bald-headed old has-been?!"
"Heh, he's been taking some
lessons from Jericho," Al Snow smirked, while Hogan lifted his eyebrows
at the young man and demanded, "And who are you, tiny?" The guy proudly
puffed out his chest.
"I," he declared, "am Gerrod
Capps, and I'm proud to declare that I'm the founder and chairman of the
Litaholics Anonymous Association!" Victoria frowned and scrutinized him,
her eyes narrowing critically as she spoke, "Hey, you don't work
for the WWE, kid, so what are you doing here at this company-only premiere?"
Gerrod shrugged.
"Oh, I just painted myself
all-blue and snuck in as Big Show's left leg--stupid Security never even
noticed the difference, probably just thought Show had gained more weight,"
he snickered.
"Ahem!" The voice-over sounded
annoyed now, as he worked to direct the audience's attention back to the
action onscreen. "If you can all stop worrying about that Jared kid, we
can all meet the rest of our all-star cast for Vince McMahon's production
of Aladdin!" Offscreen Edge rolled his eyes and mumbled under his
breath, "Oh, goody. Can't wait to see which suckers you've got playing
the rest of the cast!" The picture of Lita trying to moonsault her way
out of the swarm of evil wardrobe ladies blurred and faded, to be replaced
by some new footage.
"Filling in for Jafar we've
got none other than...Sean O'Haire!" the voice-over announced grandly,
cutting away to Sean standing around calmly as some more evil wardrobe
ladies lowered a tacky-looking wine-colored robe over his gray pinstripe
suit and tie.
"You want to shell out ten
bucks to watch this crapfest of a movie," Sean said calmly as the wardrobe
ladies fussed over him. "And just remember--I'm not telling you anything
you don't already know." He smirked, but the evil, diabolical effect of
his facial expression was pretty much canceled when Sean slightly dipped
his head to stroke his goatee, and the stiff black turban promptly fell
off his head.
"Anyway," the voice-over
rushed on, "filling in the important shoes of Iago, the annoying, shrill-voiced
parrot that everybody would like to see squished into a feathery pancake,
is none other than...Chris Jericho!" Jericho was pushed into the view of
the camera, decked out in all his feathery glory and looking like a freaky
red version of Big Bird.
"I don't want to be the
stupid bird!" Jericho was squawking angrily to whomever would listen. "I
have more dignity than that! I have more pride than that! My hair and my
voice are much too pretty to be wasted on such an insignificant role! I
am the true star, not that idiot who's playing Aladdin! I demand more justice--"
Tommy Dreamer turned to Spike Dudley and asked, "Uh, by the way, do you
know who exactly is playing Aladdin?" Spike shrugged.
"No idea," he replied, while
onscreen the image shifted to a clueless-looking Brian "Spanky" Kendrick
in a monkey suit.
"Aw, and what do we have
here?" the voice-over cooed. "Why, it's Brian Kendrick of course, otherwise
known as Spanky, the lucky actor who'll be playing Aladdin's faithful furry
four-legged friend, Abu!"
"Um...eeh-eeh?" Spanky shrugged
helplessly, then froze when a voice drifted over to holler, "Oh, Span-ky!
Time for your flea shots administered in the butt!"
"What?!" Spanky squeaked,
turning white at the thought of giant hypodermic needles poking him in
the posterior.
"And don't forget, at five
o' clock it's time for your furball medicine!" the same insanely cheerful
voice reminded him, causing the hapless little cruiserweight to keel over
and faint.
"Uh...moving on," the voice-over
muttered quickly. "You'll never guess who'll be playing Jasmine's father
the sultan!" Billy Kidman sighed, rolling his eyes and muttering sarcastically,
"Gee, do try us."
"Why, it's none other than
your Olympic hero and mine, Kurt Angle, it's true, it's true!" the voice-over
boomed, as Kurt was shoved in front of the camera.
"What's going on?" the gold-medalist
whimpered, then gagged and made a muffled choking noise as a massive feathered
white turban was thrown into his face.
"Oh, and here we have our
Magic Carpet!" the voice-over chattered, while the cameras panned the room
until a cowering Christian came into view.
"I can't move," the blonde
Canadian whined, struggling to worm free of all the purple thread that
had been wound and tangled around him as part of his costume.
"Well, I guess we're all
ready now, having introduced the entire cast for Vince McMahon's epic restaging
of Aladdin!" the voice-over cheered. "Oh, except for the genie.
Ah, yeah, you'll meet him later on. Until then, enjoy the show!"
The WWE Superstars leaned
back in their seats, dumbfounded as Chris Jericho and Stephanie McMahon's
screeched duet of "Arabian Nights" painfully blared out of the theater
speakers. Jeff was the first one to react, as he shook his head and muttered,
"Boy am I glared now that Vince kicked me out of the WWE so that I didn't
have to act in this atrocity." Molly sniffed, sticking her nose into the
air and declaring, "And I'm glad that Vince doesn't think I'm hot enough
to fill anything short of a maternity dress, let alone Jasmine's midriff-revealing
outfit, so that I didn't have to act in this atrocity!"
"Ey, we're going out to
put a hit on that counter boy who ripped us off on the popcorn, see," Nunzio
spoke up in his Al Capone voice.
"Hey, I just realized something,"
Stacy spoke up, as all eyes turned to her. "If Chris is supposed to be
a parrot, then how come he's allowed to speak?"
*Coming up next, the first scene of Vince McMahon's epic live-action version of Aladdin, plus the identities of who will be playing the roles of Aladdin and the genie (no, seriously, any ideas here, people, 'cause I still can't figure out who'll play Al and the blue dude!)*