"Somebody call the police!" the largest of the three hulking palace guards, Nathan Jones, hollered in all his Australian-accented glory after the green-haired man. "That green-haired freak just stole my lunch! I want at least my Pokémon toy returned to me--all I need is a Jigglypuff to complete my collection!" Beside Nathan, Charlie Haas paused abruptly to examine his reflection critically in a handy nearby mirror, murmuring thoughtfully, "I don't know about this whole turban thing--it's totally ruining my perfect blonde all-American hair!" Meanwhile, back to the green-haired man, whom we've all figured out by now is none other than Shane Helms, glanced back at the palace guards shrieking and waving their swords at him, then to the little red-and-yellow package clutched in his hand, and shook his head, grumbling, "Holy incredulity--all this trouble for a McDonald's Happy Meal?!"
"It's the principle of the thing!" Shelton Benjamin yelled back at him, proudly showing off his palace guard badge.
"And my iddle widdle Jigglypuff toy!" Nathan sniffed.
"We'd let you off easy if you just pay us the money, you know!" Charlie called after him.
"And give me back my Pokémon toy!" Nathan yelled.
"Yeah, that too," Charlie added, rolling his eyes, albeit discreetly lest he risk getting pounded to a bloody pulp by the behemoth of a palace guard. Shane glanced back at the hulking guards in hot pursuit, then sighed while grumbling, "The Flash never had to pay for his lunch!" before tossing back his head heroically and whooshing down the building with a battle cry of, "Stand back! There's a Hurricane comin' through!"
Down below on the streets,
Zack Gowan sighed and grumbled through his lines after a forceful push
from Stephanie, "Look, uh, mommy! It's a bird!" Beside him, Hulk Hogan
in drag bowed his head in embarrassment as he growled, "No, honey! It's
a plane!" La Resistancé popped up from nowhere to chastise, "Idiotic
Americans, there were no airplanes in this era!" leading to a glare
from Hogan and a prompt threat of, "If my yellow-and-red pantyhose weren't
bunching up so badly, I'd take my foot and shove it up both your snotty
French asses, brothers!" Cueing back to Shane, the superheroic green-haired
Aladdin was now flying through the air, getting tangled on a bunch of ropes
with clothes drying on them and collecting a random assortment of outfits
as he dropped down. Shane finally landed on the street, causing a cloud
of dust to fly up around him, then leapt triumphantly from the pile of
clothes to catch his stolen Happy Meal and brag, "Holy landing!" before
finally realizing that he was now decked out in a psychedelic magenta moo-moo
with a massive electric pink bra looped around the outside and a pair of
polka-dotted boxer shorts large enough to fit the Big Show tangled on top
of his head.
"Heh heh." Shane turned
as red as a tomato, which clashed horribly with his green hair, before
quickly ripping through the dress and undergarments and once again striking
his superheroic pose.
"Holy costume change!" he
puffed, but before he could gloat any further the three palace guards popped
into view atop the building Shane had just jumped off of.
"There he is! Don't let
him get away!" Charlie ordered, as all three began to clamber down and
Nathan wailed, "Make him give me back my Jigglypuff!" Shane's eyes widened,
and he muttered, "Uh oh," and quickly darted off, about to make his swift
escape when he turned and promptly smacked right into the original Man-beast,
Nicole Bass.
"Augh! I'm blind!" Shane
gasped in horror, while Nicole started blabbing mindlessly, "Getting into
trouble a bit early today, aren't we? Not that I'd expected any different
from the likes of you; when will you people learn that the best way to
attract cheap publicity is to sue Vince McMahon's ass off instead of running
around in Spandex and a cape--" Shane glanced back warily at the guards
in hot pursuit, then grumbled, "Get out of my way, you he-she, you're gonna
get me into trouble!"
Just then, Nathan reached
him, grabbing his wrist in a painful vise-like grip and snarling menacingly,
"There you are, you thief! Give me back my Pokémon toy!"
"Holy predicament!" Shane
squeaked, whining, "I'm in such big trouble." Nathan, meanwhile, was still
babbling about his Pokémon toy.
"And just to let you know,
that was a Jigglypuff you've probably just squished with your crazy dive,
and I only needed a Jigglypuff to complete my collection, and--" he ranted,
before a whine of, "Ow! Quit jabbing me already like you did RVD, I'll
do my scene!" interrupted his rambling, and Spanky in a monkey suit dove
forward and gave Nathan an atomic wedgie.
"Er...that wasn't in the
original script," Charlie muttered, while Shelton just observed and winced
and Stephanie's voice off-camera screeched, "That also isn't appropriate
for a children's movie!" Shane, after recovering his senses, turned to
the hyperactive blonde who'd just saved him and cried thankfully, "Holy
rescues, Citizen Spanky!"
"Hello!" Spanky cried cheerfully,
yanking off his turban and waving it around triumphantly, before he finally
remembered that he was supposed to be a monkey and quickly corrected himself,
"Uh, I mean, squeak squeak!" Meanwhile, Charlie and Shelton had succeeded
in undoing Spanky's wedgie, causing Shane to pale and declare, "Holy chase
scene, let's get out of here!" as he took off, Spanky running after him
and occasionally tripping over his monkey tail.
The merry quintet dashed across the streets of AhWWEbah for a while, Spanky tripping over his tail while clutching his butt, still sore from freshly-administered flea shots, Charlie stopping at every mirror to check out his perfect all-American blonde hair and perfect all-American chiseled physique, and Nathan roaring about all the kinds of wedgies he would give "green-boy and the little blonde Duracell bunny." Suddenly, Shane skidded to an abrupt halt at the director's command, listening to the new instructions with a confused frown on his face before he wrinkled his nose and asked incredulously, "You want me to sing?! Holy cow, Citizen, in case you haven't noticed, I'm being chased around here by dangerous behemoths who want to yank my superheroic Batman shorts over my head! I don't exactly have the time or spirit to pull a Mariah Carey act at the same time!" Behind him, Spanky had to yank back desperately on his tail to avoid colliding into Shane's back, but the palace guards weren't quite as lucky, as one by one they all tumbled down following their unexpected stops, and would have rolled into an avalanche if dust held together as well as snow did. Several minutes passed, during which an indignant Shane argued heatedly with Vince and Stephanie about how he was no longer in 3 Count so there was no need for him to dance and sing anymore, and just as Spanky and the guards began to get impatient and started to irritably tap their feet against the ground that Shane finally drew back and harrumphed grumpily, "One jump ahead of the breadline/One swing ahead of the sword/I steal only what I can't afford/That's everything...Hey! Holy propaganda! I'm a superhero, I don't steal!"
After several bellowing threats
from Vince to fire him, Shane began to reluctantly sing out his lines,
a bit off-key, as he and Spanky dashed around, crashing with just about
everybody they could while Nathan and Team Angle had a fine time trying
to figure out how to still remain several feet behind the dysfunctional
duo and yet still retain their credibility (not that the "Wonder" from
Down Under ever had any to begin with!). Meanwhile, as Spanky turned around
to blow a raspberry at the bumbling guards, Shane reached over and gave
Nathan his second atomic wedgie, while the Aussie huffed and roared, "What's
with this morbid fascination with my drawers today?!" Shane sheepishly
scratched the back of his head, admitting, "Sorry, guess I got a bit carried
a way there, Mister--but that was actually in the script!" Charlie rolled
his eyes in exasperation, butting it, "It says here to pantse him, not
wedgie him!" while Nathan beside him started to look nervous and waved
around for him to shut up. Shane brightened.
"Really? Whoops then, my
bad--here, I'll fix it." And he reached over and yanked Nathan's pants
down until they rolled around his ankles.
"Aw! Are those little smiley-face
hearts on his boxers?" a passing Nidia cooed, while RVD popped out of nowhere
to frown and chip in his two cents, "Oh, dude, that's so not cool
at all!"
"You riff raff! Get him!
Slit his neck! Re-dye his hair black! Force him to watch one of Hogan's
old movies!" Nathan roared in an effort to get his dignity back, as he
quickly reached around and yanked on the nearest substitute for his pants--which
just happened to conveniently be a giant, smelly fish. Shelton and Charlie
stopped flexing and checking their hair, as they picked up their swords
and muttered, "Uh, right!" while restarting Shane's chase scene, with Nathan
awkwardly hobbling after them in his fish-pants.
"...And this is why I only
use Swiss Army Brand Razors to get my legs as sleek and smooth as they
are..." Stacy was babbling to a crowd of highly interested males, hiking
up her skirt to show off her legs as the men crowded closer for better
ogling, when Shane and Spanky went whooshing by. Spanky then paused, before
leaning in and swiping Stacy's shaving razor and whipping it around ferociously
as the three guards came tripping along.
"Eek! He's got a tiny little
sword-thingie!" Team Angle gave high-pitched girlie squeals, before ducking
to hide behind Nathan's enormous muscled form. Nathan scowled, snapping
as he whipped out his massive broadsword, nearly cutting off the belt of
his pants during the process and narrowly escaping a second pantsing in
ten minutes, "You idiots! We've all got swords!" Team Angle exchanged guilty
looks, before tee-heeing nervously, "Oh, yeah, oops," as they jumped back
out from behind Nathan and whipped out their own swords.
"Yeah! We've also got swords!"
Shelton puffed with pride, while Charlie added cockily, "And they're way
bigger than yours, too!" Spanky smirked.
"And we all know about men
who seem to feel that bigger is better when it comes to their property,"
he taunted, then eeped when Team Angle, in a fury, took a swipe and nearly
cut his tail off. "Um, I mean, squeak squeak, chirp chirp, hee hee...gotta
go!" And the little blonde monkey dropped Stacy's shaving razor and took
off after Shane, who'd somehow wound up on yet another rooftop.
"Here goes, better throw
my hand in/Wish me happy landin'/All I gotta do is jump!" Shane was singing,
still off-key, and Spanky managed to latch on just as the green-haired
superhero managed to work his cape off and used it as a magic carpet to
sky dive off the roof. The palace guards, naturally, being the bumbling
buffoons that they were portraying, jumped off after Shane without a second
thought, and were promptly rewarded by landing into a massive pile of Skittle
Jeff's Discount Body Paint.
Unfortunately, the added
weight of Spanky, who, despite being a little cruiserweight was still far
heavier than a monkey, also pulled Shane's cape astray, and when he tried
to use it as a parachute to slow his fall, it wound up veering way off
course from the added weight, dumping both Shane and Spanky into Bubba
& D-Von's Discount Wood (Not THAT Kind Of Wood, You Perverts!) pile
right next to Jeff's paint pile. Shane huffed angrily, sniping, "Way to
go, Citizen Spanky! I'm shipping you off to Jenny Craig's after this scene!"
Spanky groaned, spitting out some sawdust while grumbling, "Look who's
talking, King Kong Bundy!" Shane gasped.
"I am not fat!" he
cried. "You're the fat one, look at how wide your face is!"
"At least I'm not
the one with the goofy green hair!" Spanky shot back.
"No, you're just
the talking monkey," Shane gritted out pointedly.
"Grr! Fine, then! Squeak
squeak!" Spanky shrilled.
The two were so busy squabbling,
that they failed to notice the two orphan "children" rummaging around a
nearby trash can for food until Stephanie's ear-splitting screech of, "Pay
attention, you two!" brought them painfully back to Earth. Hunching by
the trash can and dressed in gray tatters but somehow still managing to
look slutty, Terri paused while holding up a fish bone in disgust as she
sighed and complained, "How come we always have to play the children, just
because we're the shortest on the roster?!" Beside her, Spike Dudley agreed,
"Yeah, that's height-ism!" One warning glare from Stephanie and Vince quickly
convinced them to shut up and start looking pathetic, while Shane tried
to get back into character and announced melodramatically, "Holy tragedies,
Spanky! Homeless orphans! Quick, let's give them our hard-won Happy Meal
that took two wedgies and one pantsing to acquire!" Spanky shrugged, still
examining his physique critically for any signs of flab before frowning
and tossing the little red-and-yellow box over to the two "children."
"Sure, whatever--so long
as I get the Pokémon toy," he said casually, instantly causing Shane
to whip around and glare.
"Hey! Who said anything
about you getting the Pokémon toy? I want it!" he
whined, stamping his feet against the dusty ground.
"I get it because I called
it first!" Spanky huffed.
"I get it because I'm taller,
and you're a monkey, so shut up!" Shane retorted, drawing himself to his
full height and standing on tiptoes for added effect.
"Hey, no fair! That's height-ism!"
Spanky whined, as Terri and Spike added, "See, told ya!"
At that moment, a trumpet
fanfare broke up any further arguments, and Shane reacted immediately by
yelping, "Holy entrances! That must be Superman! Either him or Sailor Moon,
anyway!" and dashing forward to get a peek, Spanky following reluctantly.
The crowds in the street, meanwhile, had parted, to allow the ever arrogant
Mr. Mattitude himself, Matt Hardy (version one!) to pass, riding on a horse.
Or maybe...
"Ow! Quit bumping into me
there, Crash!" Shannon's muffled voice complained from inside the heavy
horse costume.
"Well quit sticking your
butt into my face and I'll stop bumping into you!" Crash whined in a high-pitched
shrill, adding, "I don't get it, why do I have to be the rear of
the horse, anyway?"
"Cause you're shorter than
me," Shannon replied simply, while Spanky, Terri, and Spike piped up, "Hey!
That's height-ism!" Matt glanced down sharply as his "horse" began to wiggle
and tussle, and he wasted no time in bringing a riding crop down to the
flank of the mount and preach, "Don't turn on each other, that's not the
Mattitude way! Besides, only I'm allowed to beat up lackeys!" The
"horse" immediately behaved.
"Yes, Master," Shannon and
Crash intoned in a hypnotized, brainwashed way. Meanwhile, among the bystanders,
we hear John Cena rap, "Yo yo yo/Prince Matt, he be da loser chump/Who's
goin' to da royal palace to get by da princess dumped!" Beside him, Randy
Orton, after finally deciphering his words, sighed while rolling his eyes,
"That's real lame, Cena."
"Your lines!" Stephanie
hissed from off-camera, and Randy hastened to add, "And, uh, yeah, I guess
he's another suitor for Princess Jasmine--I mean, Princess Yasmine--I mean,
Princess Pamela--I mean, Princess Carmen, I mean--wait, what's her name
again?"
"LITA!!!" about a gazillion
voices shouted in unison, both from off-camera and from the set, as Randy
winced and covered his ears, mumbling sheepishly, "Yeah, that's her name.
Princess, um, Lita."
Suddenly, a breeze picked
up while Terri was busy re-bleaching her hair, taking the little bottle
of dye and twirling it around and around in the air toward Prince Matt.
Terri darted out into the streets following it, wailing, "My bleach! Now
I'll look like a non-blonde skank!" while Spike hastened to totter after
her when somebody gave him a forceful push in the tiny blonde's direction.
The two "orphaned children" just happened to stumble right into Prince
Matt's path, and Shannon, after giving the obliged, "Neigh! Neigh!" attempted
to rear up. Only problem was, Crash behind him had no idea what was going
on, and Shannon's sudden movement promptly caused Prince Matt's "horse"
to tear into two, Shannon in the upper half still running around pretending
to neigh, Crash stuck in the rear end tottering dizzily, and Matt being
dumped rather unceremoniously onto his butt, wondering how this could have
happened when all his mattamatical equations had assured him of a safe
ride to the palace.
"You obtuse simpletons!"
Matt hollered at Spike and Terri, impressing everyone with his use of big
words. "Come, my MF'rs! Kill them!"
"Uh...isn't that a bit extreme?
I mean, what are we in, the Dark Ages?" Shannon ventured. At that particular
comment, everybody turned around to give him a Duh! look, and Shannon
shrugged and mumbled, "Kay, you're the boss."
The two very evil MF'rs were
about to wring Terri and Spike's little collective necks for upsetting
their Mattitude leader, when Shane and Spanky superheroically whooshed
in for the save, with Shane crying out, "Holy injustice, Citizens!" He
of the mighty green hair dove bravely toward Shannon, Matt, and Crash,
but the three Mattituders simply stepped out of the way, and Shane wound
up flying right into a muddy ditch, as everywhere around him people began
laughing at his pathetic superheroing skills...including Spanky.
"Some loyal sidekick you
are--I never should have ditched Mighty Molly," Shane grumbled, as Shannon
and Crash pushed him out of the way and led Prince Matt to the royal palace
where he could court Princess Lita.
*Coming up next: Lita and Rajah make their grand debuts, Kurt gets to shove crackers up Jericho's big mouth to make him shut up, plus, Prince Matt gets the rear of his pants bitten off!*