"Uh, leaving so soon, Prince Jeff?" he asked nervously, adjusting his turban before it flopped off his bald head from his running. Matt groaned, heaving with some effort his MF'rs/lackeys off his back while grumpily correcting the Olympic sultan of AhWWEbah, "It's Matt--Jeff's the one with the glow-in-the-dark body paint slathered all over his arms and face, remember? And I've never been so insulted before in my life, by the way! Not that I'm actually old enough to have been insulted a lot, of course, hem, hem! I'm only twenty...er, five!" His words were swift to zip in one ear and dart right out the other, after having stopped in the empty space between to dance around to the tune of the Olympics theme music, as Sultan Kurt wistfully daydreamed of his old glory days when his eyes suddenly caught sight of a rather unsightly tear straight down the butt of Prince Matt's royal baggy cargo pants.
"Eh heh, Prince Matt, about your pants...you didn't expect to court my, uh, daughter looking like that, did you?" he spoke up pointedly, then stuck his lower lip way out in a pout as he grumbled, "How did I get so old? If Lita really were my daughter, that means I'd have impregnated her mother when I was, like, seven! Come on, couldn't you have gotten, like, Ric Flair to play the sultan?" Flair, looking more harried than any man in his fifties ever ought to look and with a measuring tape wrapped around his neck and several colorful strands of thread tangled in his hair, popped into view to pant and complain, "Hey, at least you've got a part--they didn't make you Rico's assistant in the Wardrobe & Makeup department!" As Sultan Kurt made weird faces at this, Prince Matt impatiently broke in while gathering up the scattered halves of his "horse"--if one could even call Shannon and Crash's pitiful imitation that--"Ahem! As I was saying, I've never been so insulted in my life, and good luck marrying her off...which reminds me, I'll need to confirm her phone number with Vince to make sure she didn't just give me the number to the Viagra company or whatever. Now come on, my loyal Mattitude followers--er, horsie."
"Neigh, neigh," Shannon and Crash echoed obediently, trying to hastily scramble back into position but assembling themselves the wrong way so that now the horse's butt was where its face ought to be.
"Oh, forget it! I'll just walk home!" Matt huffed impatiently, stalking away with his faithful MF'ing sidekicks tottering after him.
Sultan Kurt, meanwhile, squinted
his eyes and tried to read his next lines from the teleprompter behind
the cameras.
"Er...look frustrated?"
he intoned uncertainly, then whimpered and cowered behind his massive feathered
turban when Vince bellowed, "You're reading the facial expressions again!"
"Eep! Sir yes sir!" Sultan
Kurt squeaked meekly, before quickly clearing his throat and rushing woodenly
through his next line, "Grr, Jasmine--er, Layla--er, Lita!" Throwing the
double doors wide open, your Olympic hero and mine stalked out into the
garden, yelling into space, "Lita! Lita! Lita--eek! Oh, my freakin' God!
What in the world did they do to you?!" when the princess's loyal pet tiger
interrupted him to shove a faceful of Matt's polka-dotted boxers into his
nose. The crappily painted face of Hunter Hearst Helmsley glared back at
him, shoved into what appeared to be a reject from the set of Cats,
complete
with painted whiskers and some glittery eyeshadow courtesy of the head
honcho of Wardrobe & Makeup, Rico, as he batted a hairy paw at Sultan
Kurt and grumbled, "What do you think-uh they did to me-uh, you Olympic
bald eagle-uh? Oops, forgot, I'm not cutting a half-hour promo on Raw
here. Ahem, hold on, let me switch back to normal. Ahem! They conned me
into playing Rajah when Steph claimed she had an extremely special and
macho role, just for me!"
"Hunter! You're a tiger,
you're not supposed to be talking!" Stephanie's voice whined screechingly
from off-camera, and Hunter cringed before gruffly obeying in an uninspired
monotone, "Fine! Roar roar!" Sultan Kurt resumed his role, reaching over
and trying to yank Prince Matt's boxers away from Hunter, when an idea
suddenly occurred to him and he asked tentatively, "Hey, Hunter...you don't
happen to have any false teeth, do you? I mean, I won't accidentally pull
out some dentures along with these undershorts, will I?" Hunter roared
for real this time, as he snapped in outrage, "What?! Dentures?! Which
member of the Evolution do you think I am, Ric Flair or the World Heavyweight
Champion?!"
"He-ey..." Flair's voice
drifted in faintly from the Wardrobe & Makeup department where he was
busy assembling a lovely gold lamé suit--for Rico--while Sultan
Kurt eeped helplessly and asked, "So...is that a yes or a no on the false
teeth? Hey, if it's a yes, are they made of wood, like George Washington's...?"
"Of course it's a no on
the false teeth, you lowly, un-evolved simpleton!" Hunter roared in a fury.
"Why, if I weren't stuffed into this ridiculous Tigger suit, I'd be shoving
my boots right up your a--"
"Excuse me!" an annoyed female
voice cut in, as the cameras panned over to a shot of Lita, stuffed into
a jade-green harem outfit that clashed badly with her dark red hair. The
femme fatale stopped tapping her feet against the ground and lifted an
eyebrow, as she demanded crossly, "Are we ever going to get to my scene
or not?"
"Er, sure," Sultan Kurt
mumbled nervously, not wanting to cross the high-flying redhead as he wrenched
Prince Matt's boxers from Hunter while mumbling, "Confound it, Hunter...so
this is why the prince left in a huff--you gave him a wedgie!" Lita sighed,
before obediently fluttering her eyelashes and cooing, "Oh, um, Father,
Hunter was just playing...weren't you, Hunty-wunty?" Hunter obediently
came toward her, wrinkling his nose disdainfully at the nickname she'd
attached.
"But Lita, you can't keep
on rejecting every suitor I try to force down your throat," Sultan Kurt
was babbling in dismay. "You know that the law states you have to be married--"
"To a prince, yeah, I know,"
Lita finished for him, rolling her eyes as she got up and walked over to
the dove cage.
"By your next birthday,"
Sultan Kurt added, then brightened up and asked, "Oh, how old will you
be turning?"
"Uh..." Lita's eyes darted
to and fro, as she tried to remember how old Jasmine was supposed to be
in the original Aladdin. "I don't know...sixteen? That seems to
be a trend with Disney princesses."
"Sixteen!" Sultan Kurt nearly
fell flat on his face from shock. "Jeez Louise, you're gonna be the oldest-looking
sixteen-year-old I've ever seen--Ouch!" The Olympian failed to dodge the
dove cage that an incensed Lita sent hurling at his face, clutching painfully
at his now swollen nose and nagging feebly, "It is an outrage that you
dare hit your own father..."
"Oldest-looking sixteen-year-old,
huh?!" Lita seethed furiously, looking like she wanted to pick up the wary-looking
Hunter and throw him at her "father" next. "I'll show you about the old
thing--uh, I mean, the law is wrong, Father."
"Ouchy. Ow, my nose. Ow,
my eye. Ow, my teeth...great, now I'll need dentures, like Hunter,"
Sultan Kurt was lamenting as a couple of random gofers helped him to his
feet.
"For the last time, I don't
have any dentures!" Hunter spoke up irritably, then gave the obliging,
"Roar roar," at a look from Stephanie.
"Fine, so you don't have
any dentures...and you only have three days," Sultan Kurt mumbled.
"Huh?" Both Lita and Hunter
turned to look at him, before Lita suddenly remembered the original script
and prattled off, "Yeah, well the law's a load of BS, um, Father, and you
can't force me to marry anyone I don't want to--this is America,
you know, the land of freedom...oh, no, wait, it isn't. Never mind...Anyway,
I'm marrying for love, and that's final!"
"But it's not just the law,
Lita," Sultan Kurt pleaded pathetically. "I'm not that young any more,
I can drop dead any day now, and I want you to be taken care of once I'm
gone--what?! I'm dying?! I can't die! I'm an Olympian, gosh darn it! Wah!"
Off-camera, Vince and Stephanie
rolled their eyes exasperatedly, before the latter screeched in her trademark
ear-splitting siren, "Stand-in!" Stone Cold Steve Austin reached in and
yanked the still blubbering Kurt offstage, quickly taking his place and
donning a massive turban while rushing through his lines, "If you admit
you're a princess, Lita, give me a hell yeah!" As Sultan Austin waved around
a six pack of Steveweisers and Stephanie tried to hush down the sniveling
and sulking Kurt, Lita tried to explain, "But I've never done a thing on
my own--"
"WHAT?" Sultan Austin hollered
rudely, causing Lita to roll her eyes and seethe, "I've never had any real
friends--"
"WHAT?"
"Except for Hunter--ooh,
that's real pathetic--"
"WHAT?"
"I've, uh, never been outside
the palace walls--"
"WHAT?"
Lita's left eyebrow began to twitch dangerously, before she hauled
off and socked her "father" right in the stomach, grumbling, "Will you
shut up and stop repeating that?"
"WHAT?" came the inevitable
reply, followed by a painful explanation of, "No, seriously, WHAT were
you saying--I ain't gonna be young forever, you know, I can't hear you!"
Lita rolled her eyes.
"Hey, you might need some
hearing aids there, Steve--oh, yeah, and maybe I don't want to be a princess
anymore," she grumbled.
"WHAT?"
"DUDE, NEVER MIND!" came
the frustrated holler, causing an off-camera RVD to perk up and grin and
Kurt to squeak like a frightened Olympic mouse and oh-so-bravely duck and
hide behind Stephanie's skirt. Lita, meanwhile, looked around for her dove
cage in order to set the cute little birdies free, but finding the cage
completely smashed from when she'd hurled it at Kurt for calling her old
and the cute little birdies scattered and hiding terrified from her, she
shrugged and stomped off in an attempt to look huffy.
"WHAT?" Sultan Austin blabbed
cluelessly, before Vince finally got fed up with his mindless intoning
of the particular catchphrase, and shoved the still sniffling Kurt back
to resume his role as the sultan.
Sultan Kurt returned to his
chambers, grumbling to himself, "I don't know where she got it from...her
mother wasn't nearly so violent." He started vigorously polishing his gold
medals again, before an idea suddenly occurred to him just as a dark, ominous
shadow started to descend over him, and he wondered, "Just who was
her mother, anyway?"
"Erm...Sable," came the
prompt reply after a hesitation, causing both Sultan Kurt to nearly have
a heart attack and the shadow to abruptly stop descending.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" two frightened,
shrill cries echoed heart-wrenchingly across the set, followed closely
by the confused voice of Chris Jericho piping up, "Wait, who did
they say was the mom...Oh, AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Somewhere from the garden,
Lita's voice could be faintly heard echoing Jericho's sentiments, while
a bunch of gofers rushed over to Sultan Kurt and O'Haire and tried their
best to revive them.
"Oh, O'Haire--isn't that
kind of redundant?--whoa, big word--I'm in desperate need of your, uh,
wisdom,"
Sultan
Kurt bawled shrilly after he'd finally recovered. O'Haire stroked his goatee
evilly, before sweeping down in an exaggerated bow and drawling, "My life
is to serve you, my bumbling bald-headed lord." Kurt frowned at his description,
but chose to overlook that as he startled to complain, "I can't believe
the writers made Sable my late wife--thank God that's
late wife--I
mean, you know how terrified I am of her, what makes them think I'd be
stupid enough to actually try and marry her...and, oh, yeah, Lita hit me
today for mentioning the suitor business! I am at my wit's end--whatever
that means." Jericho, after some pushing and prodding, finally opened his
beak and obediently squawked in his parrot voice, "Awk! Wit's end!" Sultan
Kurt laughed and clapped his hands in delight, requesting, "Ooh, ooh, can
you say, "Big Show has smelly undershorts?" as he stuffed a week-old Saltine
cracker into Jericho's mouth. O'Haire laughed obligingly, sucking up, "Your
Majesty certainly has a way with egotistical, loudmouthed dumb animals."
Jericho nearly spat out the cracker at this remark, whipping around and
glaring at his "master" even as the latter smirked and drawled languidly,
"Now, perhaps I may be of some help to this little problem of yours."
"You'd better, or else I'll
force you to watch twenty hours nonstop of A-Train matches in all his hairy-backed
glory--I can do that, you know, I'm the sultan," Sultan Kurt threatened,
causing O'Haire to shudder and nearly dump Jericho off his shoulder and
face-first onto the floor with that particular movement.
"Er...I will--but I'm going
to need the use of the, um, mystical gold medals," he revealed,
causing Sultan Kurt's hands to fly protectively over his precious medals.
"My medals? But I won them
with a broken freakin' neck..." he whined, pouting. O'Haire shrugged, whistling
tunelessly while reminding him in a meaningful voice as he casually examined
his staff with its devil's head, "It is necessary to find the shrew--uh,
I mean, the princess--a suitor, after all." Turning his staff toward
Sultan Kurt, he nearly shoved its horned devil's head right into the other
man's nose, while the room darkened dramatically and the devil's head's
eyes began to glow.
"Don't worry. Everything
will be fine," O'Haire droned in a slow, hypnotic voice. Sultan Kurt began
to get a goofy, empty look in his eyes, as he echoed dumbly, "Everything...will
be...fine..."
"And I'm not telling you
anything you don't already know..." O'Haire cleverly snuck in his catchphrase,
then cringed as Stephanie caught him and hollered bossily, "Stop ad-libbing!"
"Fine, quit yelling at me
already...Ahem, the medals, Your Majesty?" O'Haire nagged, motioning down
to the several oversized gold coins dangling around Sultan Kurt's neck...
...When at that moment, the
dim chambers suddenly lit up with swishing neon lights, and a silver disco
ball lowered itself from the middle of the ceiling while Village People
started blaring over the speakers.
"Hey! Hey! Hey, hey, hey!/Macho,
macho man (macho man)/I've got to be, a macho man..." Sultan Kurt immediately
snapped back to reality, as he huffed and snapped, "Are you crazy?! I won
these medals with a broken freakin' neck! I'm not giving them up to anybody...Ooh,
those cowboys and Indian people! I used to love grooving to "YMCA!" As
Sultan Kurt started doing those weird YMCA gestures, O'Haire glanced around
crossly, mouthing the words What the hell is going on here?, while
perched on his shoulders Jericho was whining that disco wasn't even real
music, and they should replace it immediately with some good old Fozzy,
'cuzz Fozzy wuzz good music, it wuzz fozzy-wozzy music, it really wuzz.
As the technicians struggled to fix the set and Stephanie practically cracked
a whip over them in an effort to get them to hurry up, Vince's distinct
voice could be heard bellowing that this was the last time he'd ever time-share
a studio with Bischoff's project for a Saturday Night Fever knock-off
flick.
When the disco ball was yanked down and the neon lights were put away, O'Haire and Sultan Kurt resumed their scene, as the latter finally gave in, "Here, all right, take them already--they're fake, anyway, got 'em at the nearby K-Mart; I mean, really, do I look stupid enough to actually bring my real gold medals to work?" O'Haire and Jericho both averted their eyes, as Sultan Kurt huffed and grumbled, "Fine, don't answer that...now get out of here so I can enjoy my daily milk and cookies hour." O'Haire and Jericho shrugged, before obediently backing away and out of the room as Nidia came tripping into the chambers, lugging a tray of burnt gingersnaps and a tall glass of goat's milk, fresh from the farm.
Cue to nighttime, where Lita, wearing a brown cloak over her princess costume, was skulking around the palace gardens, while the Mission Impossible theme played from a little tape recorder somewhere in the background. Lita reached the wall and started to climb, but accidentally stepped on Hunter's incredibly big nose during the process, waking him from his sleep and unwittingly saving him from missing his cue. Hunter started up, looking like he wanted to bite her head off, but then remembered his role and gave a pathetic, "Roar roar." Lita glared at him, shushing, "Quit sniffling, you overgrown nose in a Cats costume, you're starting to sound like Sultan Kurt." Hunter scowled, retorting with an insolent snicker, "Hey, at least I'm not the oldest-looking sixteen-year-old in the world--yeowch!"
Lita stepped back to admire her handiwork, while Hunter squeaked out his protests at being low-blowed like that, before meekly obliging, "Erm, roar roar." Lita tossed back her hair, threatening, "And there's plenty more where that came from, if you even think of blabbing!" before hopping over the wall and disappearing from view.
*Coming up next: The marketplace scene, Spanky tries to steal an apple (bad monkey!), some random jerk nearly cuts Lita's hand off, plus Ye Mighty Green One--a.k.a. Shane--falls in love. Altogether now: Awwwww...*