"My little general!" Jericho yelped in a high falsetto, but O'Haire pointedly ignored him as he tried to cover up his squeaking sidekick's form with his own larger one while flashing what he hoped was an angelic smile at the princess.
"Oh, uh, Your Bitchiness--I mean, Your Majesty!" he improvised, speaking through his teeth while keeping them in a Crest-worthy mile-wide grin.
"Awk! Your Goatee-Touting Badness, I'm kind of stuck here! Awk!" Jericho squawked shrilly in his falsetto voice, prompting his master to slam the door harder in an effort to squeeze him back inside, and (perhaps not quite) accidentally putting pressure on the parts that were causing Jericho so much torture.
"Princess Lita, how may I service you--I mean, be of service to you?" O'Haire stammered, nervously fingering his goatee and trying to cover Jericho's loudly complaining form with his cloak. Lita, meanwhile, stalked up to him purposely, glaring and getting into his face while jabbing her finger into his chest for emphasis as she fumed, "Your bumbling three stooges just took the most adorable boy dressed in a superhero costume from the market--care to explain why?"
"Of course, Princess Lolita--uh, I mean, Princess Lita, just Lita," O'Haire babbled, turning around to glare at Jericho, who was still whining on behalf of his little general. "You see, Princess, one of your father's numerous and important duties is to keep the peace here in AhWWEbah. That kid had to be arrested, he was a few cans short of a six-pack, if you know what I mean."
"Huh? You mean he was an alcoholic?" Lita wanted to know, scrunching up her face in bewilderment. "That's stupid, arresting him for drinking--after all, he couldn't possibly have been a bigger beer buff than my stand-in father, Sultan Austin."
"No, he wasn't an alcoholic," O'Haire snapped impatiently. "He was crazy, that's what! Running around with his little monkey hanging out by his belt, whooshing off buildings and pretending he has superpowers--he was a menace to society!"
"And you just had him brutalized and arrested?!" Lita seethed angrily, her left eyebrow beginning to twitch dangerously.
"Your Foulness, you're kind of ruining my chances of populating this land with little Jerichos, you know," Jericho butted in none too inconspicuously. O'Haire ignored him, going on, "Exactly. You, of all people, should know better, Princess Lo--Lita, just Lita. After all, this young man did kidnap you from the palace."
"Awk! Your Vileness, you've cut off all circulation to my--" Jericho started to hiss, when O'Haire, whose temple had begun throbbing at his parrot's constant nagging, finally got fed up and grabbed a conveniently handy steel loveseat to chairshot Jericho and his little general back inside the evil secret lab hideout.
"Ahem." Lita tapped her foot impatiently. "If you're done with trying to keep your little friend in the closet, I can proceed to inform you that he didn't kidnap me at all--I ran away from this hell-hole you call a palace!" O'Haire feigned shock, as he tapped at his chin with his index finger and murmured, "That is such a shame, Princess Lita. I wish I'd known it sooner...before I'd ordered the Three Stooges--er, palace guards--to execute his sentence." Lita gave a suspicious frown.
"What sentence?" she wanted to know, then gasped as if the idea had suddenly occurred to her, "You couldn't mean death...could you?" O'Haire gave a phony smile.
"You could say that," he whistled innocently, then explained, "We strapped him down to a dungeon and had the two original man-beasts, Nicole Bass and Chyna, probe him for hernias." Lita looked like she didn't know whether she should scream or faint at the knowledge of so horrible a sentence.
"You couldn't!" she cried. "The poor guy's probably been groped and pinched to death by now! To think I never even learned his name!"
"And yet you went to his room? Wow, what a slut," Jericho wisecracked from behind the doors, his voice slowly returning to normal as Lita glared over in the general direction where the words came from and O'Haire guiltily covered the doors with his cloak and offered a nervous smile.
"I am very sorry, Princess Lita," O'Haire offered in a falsely sympathetic voice, then pitched in his one and only catchphrase, "And just remember, I'm not telling you anything you don't already know." Lita gave him a dry look.
"Thanks, that's real comforting," she said sarcastically, starting to storm off, presumably to do her big grief-stricken crying scene. Turning around in mid-step, she called back cheekily, "Oh, and by the way, O'Haire, congrats on coming out of the closet earlier." Now it was O'Haire's turn to give her a dry look, as he reminded her sourly, "Aren't you supposed to be all heartbroken and crap?" Lita shrugged, before sauntering off without giving a response.
Five minutes after Lita had
walked away, Jericho finally managed to pop out from behind the closet-like
doors of O'Haire's Evil Secret Lab Hideout.
"I did it!" he cheered.
"I finally came out of the closet!" O'Haire's eyes glinted devilishly,
as he turned around and asked his pet sidekick, "Have you now? Then wouldn't
that make your chances of "populating this land with little Jerichos" pretty
much nil?" Jericho shot him a cross look.
"Awk! Shut up, Your Rottenness,"
he snapped sulkily.
It is now late night, as
we find Lita crying by herself at the edge of the fancy palace fountain.
"Get those onions away from
my eyes," the fiery redhead snapped at one of the crewmen who'd been assigned
the unfortunate task of making her cry convincingly. "I'm not that
heartbroken over the guy's death! What are you trying to do here, get me
all waterlogged?"
At that moment, Hunter swaggered
over in an effort to "comfort" the grief-stricken princess, starting to
rub up against her breasts before she quickly smacked him away.
"It's all my fault, Nose--urk,
Hunter," Lita sobbed, with about as much emotion as Lance Storm cutting
a promo. "I never even knew his name! Wah!"
"What a slut," Hunter made
the mistake of repeating Jericho's earlier jibe.
*SLAP*
Hunter slunk off, gingerly dabbing at a massive red welt on his cheek with a damp cloth and grumbling, "Damn, talk about pulling off a Stephanie." From somewhere offscreen, Stephanie's voice screeched, "Hunter! Was that an insult?!"
*SLAP*
The cameras now pan to a
dungeon converted into a crappy infirmary, with even crappier lighting
and several stop-light-red signs that read "WARNING: QUARANTINE" stuck
everywhere. Shane is seen lying flat on his back on one of the Salvation
Army-donated gray mattresses, groaning and wincing from all the earlier
hernia-checking torture, when suddenly a bunch of rats scurry by, prompting
everybody's favorite green-haired superhero to shriek like a little girl
and jump up to seek safety atop one of the ceiling lights.
"AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEE! RATS!"
Shane squealed helplessly, swinging back and forth from the lights, which
were threatening to spill him back onto his mattress any given second.
"Holy filthiness! Someone call the Terminator--I mean, the exterminator
(who dresses up like the Terminator)!" At this, Test, decked out in a cool
black leather jacket and with a water gun slung menacingly over his shoulder,
placed a pair of dark shades over his eyes and rumbled with a very bad
Austrian accent, "Ah'll be back--after lunch break, that is."
Meanwhile, up above, Spanky
was trying to squeeze in between the narrow bars of a tiny window, huffing
and puffing with the effort while silently wondering whether he ought to
take Shane's advice and lose some weight.
"AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEE!"
Shane's sudden cry caused Spanky's hair to fly up from the force of the
holler, while he clutched desperately at the window bars to avoid falling
down into the deadly, disgusting, swarming sea of two scrawny little rats
scampering by.
"Rats!" the little blonde
monkey wailed, five seconds after Shane had already proclaimed their existence
like a police siren, then when he'd calmed down and remembered his lines,
took off his turban hat and waved it around while singing out, "Yoo-hoo,
Shane!" Frowning and not listening as Shane called back something in reply,
Spanky wondered to himself, "Aw, jeez, did that just sound like a gay pick-up
line or what?"
"Citizen Spanky, you certainly
took your time to get here and rescue me like a dependable sidekick should!
Wassupwitdat?!" Shane demanded indignantly from his infirmary dungeon,
as Spanky hopped down and offered his tail to help Shane up, while retorting
pointedly, "Yeah, well, you were the one who had to play
hero and rescue that redheaded lady who just happens to be the princess!"
Shane drew himself to his full height, towering a couple of inches over
Spanky and huffing insultedly, "Holy insubordination, Citizen Spanky--what
are you saying, that I'm a moron?" Spanky rolled his eyes.
"No duh," he muttered sarcasticallyunder
his breath.
As the two were about to
happily argue off into the sunset, a deep, gravelly male voice spoke up
in a low growl, "You're only a moron if whoosh around dressed in a cape
and with your underwear on the outside out, like some poor man's Superman
of wrestling."
"That's not in the script!"
Vince McMahon's voice bellowed offscreen, as onscreen Shane and Spanky
dutifully turned around and pretended to look surprised at hearing the
first voice. Its owner, after being threatened to get fired by McMahon
for the umpteenth time, sighed and emerged from the shadows where he'd
been previously hiding, swaggering over to Shane and Spanky.
"I am a lowly prisoner,
like yourself, young man," he started to say...when he noticed with a growing
feeling of disturbed wariness the sudden starry-eyed looks that had lit
up Shane and Spanky's faces when they saw him.
"Wai! It's Spider-man!"
Shane squealed, his eyes lighting up like some six-year-old kid let loose
in a candy shop. "Holy TRL moment!"
"OhmyGodohmyGodohmyGod!"
Spanky hyperventilated, nearly hopping up and down in his excitement. "It
is
Spider-man! Can you, like, hook me up with Black Cat, since you're not
dating her anyways? She is so incredibly hot!" The two young cruiserweights
steadily advanced on "Spider-man," who began warily backing away from them
while stammering, "Er, there is this cave of wonderful treasures...if you'll
just agree to be my guinea pigs and go in there to retrieve a magic lamp,
I promise you'll attain enough gold to impress this little princess you're
so stuck on...are you going or not?"
"Yes, master, anything for
Spider-man," Shane and Spanky replied automatically in brainwashed voices,
worshipping "Spider-man" with idolizing eyes. "Spider-man" turned away
from them and lifted his red mask a few inches from his chin to absently
stroke his goatee, grumbling to himself, "This is just great--the original
costume is supposed to be of a spider-like man, so what does McMahon's
stingier-than-Scrooge producers come up with? A kid's Halloween costume
of Spider-man that's seven sizes too small--this scene is going to be dangerously
on the verge of becoming a gay porno if someone doesn't give me a towel
to wrap around my waist!" At that moment, Jericho's head peeped out from
inside the huge burlap sack "Spider-man" was gingerly trying to cover his,
uh, little spider with, whining, "Could you hurry it up already, Your Mighty
Spitefulness O'Haire, I'm suffocating in there, and your little friends
keep poking me in the butt from the other side of the bag, which isn't
exactly my idea of a fun way to spend time on a movie set, and another
thing, my gorgeous hair is getting all messed up, and as for my even more
gorgeous nails--"
"Shut up, Jericrap," O'Haire
hissed, although he did consciously stop trying to cover up the front side
of his costume with Jericho's bag. Then, turning to the star-struck Shane
and Spanky, who were practically throwing themselves at his feet to worship
him, O'Haire quickly lowered his mask into place and announced, "All right,
kids, who's ready for a great, fun field trip to the RVD-Cave of Wonders
with Spider-man?" As Shane and Spanky squealed and jumped around in excitement,
Jericho's muffled voice could be heard drawling sarcastically from inside
his bag, "Oh, joy." O'Haire glared, before pointedly kneeing the bag in
a certain area.
"Yeowch! I mean, goody!"
a high falsetto squeaked.
A desert storm is blowing, sending clouds of whitish-gray sand everywhere as three lonesome figures, one of them touting a great big burlap bag, made their way across the arid wasteland. Spider-Haire walked at a steady pace, having finally convinced Shane and Spanky that he couldn't sling from cactus to cactus because his web-shooter had run out, and pointedly ignoring Jericho's outraged howls and whines as he dragged his parrot in the burlap bag over the gritty sand and harsh rocks. Shane and Spanky skipped along ahead of Spider-Haire, rolling a red carpet in front of him as they walked a long, looooong time before finally arriving at the RVD-Cave of Wonders.
"Cool, dude, it's Spider-man,"
RVD's voice spoke up amiably as the trio made their grand entrance, despite
Stephanie's screeched orders that he sound menacing. "Hey, can I have your
autograph? I'm selling memorabilia
at my new comic book store, you know,
and--"
"We are gathered here today,
to celebrate my guinea pigs' retrieval of the magic lamp," Spider-Haire
cut him off before he could pull a Foley and insert a cheap plug. From
behind the cave, RVD shrugged, before speaking into his microphone, "Cool,
whatever dude. Just don't touch anything other than the lamp--there's something
weird about two guys going around touching inside another guy and--"
"All right, all right, we
get the picture," Spider-Haire quickly cut him off, shooing Shane and Spanky
inside with the typical villainous babbling of, "Remember, my lackeys,
bring me back my lamp, and then I shall reward you with riches beyond your
wildest imaginations! Mwahahahahahah!" Shane and Spanky exchanged looks,
before the former shrugged and declared loyally, "Spider-man can do no
wrong! I will whoosh in and get this special toy of his!"
"That's magic lamp, not
special toy!" Spider-Haire hollered.
"Whatever," Shane shrugged,
then struck a pose and started to babble, "Stand back! There's a hurricane
comin'--hey!" By then, Spanky had gotten tired of his ranting, and scampered
swiftly inside the cave, dragging Shane by the ear with him.
"That's right, you should
both go in and fetch me my lamp," Spider-Haire announced grandly. "And
remember, I'm not telling you anything you don't already know!"
*Coming up next: Shane and Spanky meet the magic carpet, Christian (who proves to be just as loudmouthed as Jericho, unfortunately, despite being a flying rug and all!), get avalanched inside the RVD-Cave of Wonders, and conjure up the genie (whose identity will be revealed in the incredibly exciting upcoming installment)*