The Fall of Lucius Malfoy
Lucius Malfoy looked out the window in his study, thinking he could sense someone peering in at him. Seeing nobody, Malfoy sat back down in his chair. The door flung open. Malfoy grabbed his wand and aimed it at the intruder.
"Lucius! It's me! I just came to tell you Snape's in the living room." said Narcissa, annoyed. She left. "Oh, Snape! My old buddy!" said Lucius, cheerfully putting his wand away.
Lucius walked into the living room, grinning. Snape grinned and stood up off the couch. They shook hands and patted eachother on the back. "Snape! Get ya a drink or anything?" said Lucius.
"Actually I was hoping we could play some darts." said Snape. "Course, old pal! Let's go down to the basement!" said Lucius. Narcissa snorted. "Nevermind her," said Lucius bitterly, "She wanted us to watch some movie tonight, spend some TIME together. Always nag, nag, nag."
They went down into the basement, which was set up as a rec room. Lucius got the darts and stood in front of the dart board, which had a picture of Harry's face in the middle. "There we are!" said Lucius, aiming a dart. He fired it, missing completey. "Damn it!" said Lucius.
Snape took a dart and hit the bullseye, Harry's nose. "So, how have things been going at the Death Eaters meetings?" said Snape. "Oh, great, great! Lots of plans, lots of plans Voldemort has." said Lucius, firing another dart and hitting the wall. "DAMN it!" said Lucius.
"What kinds of plans?" asked Snape, hitting the bullseye again. "Well, you see, blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah, blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah...." said Lucius. "Oh, I see." said Snape, taking notes. "That's excellent. Well, it's been fun. I'll see you soon." said Snape. "What? Oh, ok then. I'll see you out." said Lucius, walking up the stairs with Snape.
"Lalala, I always love it when you stop by." said Lucius, smiling as they walked out the basement door. Snape and Lucius walked into the living room and Lucius stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Narcissa making out with Kreacher on the couch.
"I'll just be going..." said Snape, continuing towards the door. "Wait! I...NARCISSA!!" said Lucius. Narcissa noticed him, and broke away from Kreacher. Kreacher grinned and glared at Lucius while wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.
"You little bastard! How could you do this??" Lucius said to Kreacher. Kreacher just started laughing. "Why don't you ask ME why?! I did it because you're never there for me, Lucius! Never!!" said Narcissa. "Shut up, you hag!" said Lucius. "You son of a bitch! I hate you!" said Narcissa. "Narcissa, you betrayed me! You tramp!' said Lucius. "Oh, that ain't the half of it!" said Narcissa, standing up. "I slept with Filch! And Percy! And your Death Eater pals Crabbe and Goyle, too! And let's not forget..." said Narcissa, turning to Snape.
Lucius looked from Snape to Narcissa, a blank expression on his face.
"That's right! I got it on with Snape, too!" said Narcissa. "WHAT?!" said Lucius. "Er, don't believe her! She's crazy!" said Snape. "You lying slimebag!" said Narcissa. "How dare you suggest Snape is capable of lying! Get out of my sight, and get out of my life, woman!" said Lucius. "My pleasure! I'm taking Draco!" said Narcissa. "Thank God!" said Lucius.
"Noooo!" said Draco, who'd been listening in upstairs. Draco started wailing as Narcissa commanded him to pack his things. "Shut up! Start packing!" Narcissa snarled.
"Anyway." said Snape, "It was good to see you again, Lucius." said Snape. "I can't believe that woman! After 18 years of marriages she turns around and turns into a harlet! I buy her everything under the sun, that hell demon, she..." Lucius said, continuing to rave about Narcissa long after Snape, Narcissa and Draco had gone.
"Fine! Good riddence! I don't need her!" Lucius said. He glared out the window. "I'm glad to be rid of her! I'm gonna go out and find me a new woman right now!" said Lucius, running out the door.
Lucius stopped, looking around. "There could be those Order of the Phoenix geeks lurking anywhere..." said Lucius, looking around. Lucius ran back inside. "I must disguise myself!" said Lucius, rubbing his hands together. Lucius pulled a scarf over his head and put on a shawl. "Now I'm an old woman, nobody will ever suspect me." said Lucius. He laughed and ran out the door.
Lucius went into a pub. "Hey, there." said Lucius to a woman sitting next to him. "Lucius Malfoy!" said the woman, turning to him and revealing herself to be Professor McGonigall.
"AAAHHH!!" screamed Lucius, running out of the pub.
"Help! They're everywhere! There's only one place I can be safe! with the Dark Lord!" said Lucius. He ran to the Death Eaters headquarters. When Lucius got there, he was shocked to see Narcissa and Voldemort making out on a bed.
"What?! Why?? How could you sleep with Voldemort?!" said Lucius. "What's that supposed to mean?!" said Voldemort, dangerously. "Nothing, my Lord! I mean, of course she'd want to, I mean, who wouldn't, you being a virile, half dead, red eyed freak--" Lucius said, just before Voldemort fired a curse above his head, breaking a vase. "Get outta here! I banish you from the Death Eaters!" said Voldemort.
"Noooo!!" wailed Lucius, in misery. He got down on his knees. "Please, Master, the Death Eaters is all I have." said Lucius. "Fine, then I'll just knock you off now." said Voldemort, aiming the wand at Lucius's forehead. "Nevermind, I'll just go." said Lucius, putting on a nervous smile and backing out of the room.
Lucius was angrily heading for the door when Draco jumped out of nowhere and stabbed him in the arm.
"You bastard! You broke up my home!!" said Draco.
"You ingrateful little wretch! I'll kill you!" said Lucius, taking out his wand. "No, you don't! I'll kill you!" said Draco, taking out his wand. "Say goodnight, Draco!" said Lucius. "You! I hate you! You made mom sleep with Voldemort! I don't want him to be my new dad!" said Draco. "Well, I didn't force your mother to leave the house!" said Lucius. "Yes you did!" said Draco. "Oh. Well, you're better off anyway!" said Lucius. "No I'm not! I just want my old life back! My old dad!" said Draco, sadly. "Oh, son." said Lucius, bursting into tears. They both put their wands away and embraced. Suddenly, Draco pulled back out the knife and stabbed Lucius in the back.
Lucius grabbed his wand again. "AVEDERA KADAVERA!!" he roared, blasting Draco. "Oops..." said Draco, just before he died.
Lucius ran out of the building. "Snape! He's the only one I can trust!" said Lucius, running to Snape's home.
Lucius beat down the door and ran into the house. "SNAPE!!" screamed Lucius. Snape came running out of the kitchen, a shocked expression on his face.
"Get this friggin' knife out of my back!" said Lucius. "Oh! Lucius, but of course..." said Snape, running over. Snape pulled the knife out. "My life, my life has gone to hell!" said Lucius.
"What is going on?" said Dumbledore, walking out of the kitchen with Hagrid.
"LOOK! Members of the Order of the Pheonix! They've invaded your home, Snape! We must fight!" said Lucius, pulling his wand. "Oh, yes! Of course!" said Snape, pulling his own wand.
"Ohh...right." said Dumbledore. "Huh?" said Hagrid. "We'll just run away now!" said Dumbledore, grabbing Hagrid's arm and running out of the house.
"They're everywhere, they're everywhere!" said Lucius. "Just settle down, Lucius. Narcissa and Draco were just pains in your ass, remember?" said Snape.
"It's not just that. Forget them! It's Voldemort. He kicked me out of the Death Eaters!" said Lucius, tears streaming down his face.
"What?! You mean, you won't be getting anymore information?!" said Snape. "Nope." said Lucius. "I...I can't believe this. Get out! Get out! Get out!" said Snape, grabbing Lucius by the arm and swinging him towards the door. "What? Hey! What's wrong?" said Lucius.
"You damned fool! I've just been collecting information from you to give to the Order of the Phoenix! I left Voldemort years ago and am on Dumbledore's side! Every idiot in the universe knows that except you!" said Snape.
"NOOOOOOOO!! It can't be true!" said Lucius. "Yes, you moron!" said Snape, pointing his wand at Lucius. Lucius gaped in shock. "ADAVERA--" said Snape. Lucius turned and ran out the door.
Hours later, Lucius sat on the curb of a dark street he didn't know the name of. "All by myselllff...don't wanna be....all by my selllff, anymore..." music played. "What has become of me?!" Lucius bellowed to the sky, tears streaming down his face again. "What will I do?! Where will I go?!!" he cried.
"I guess I'll go home." he said a few minutes later, getting up. Lucius walked home. Just as Lucius was stepping onto his lawn, a crane slammed a wrecking ball into Lucius' house, demolishing it.
"Didn't you get the message?" said the guy in the crane.
After standing and staring for a minute at the rubble that was his house, Lucius walked down the road.
"I've got to start a new life...I'm just going to have to move on..." said Lucius eventually.
__________
After a few months, Lucius was imployed at a Muggle dry cleaners. One day, Gilderoy Lockhart walked in, grinning. "Hello, there! I suppose you want my autograph!" said Lockhart to the female employee at the counter. "Lucy! You take this one!" said the woman, heading into the back. "Could you PLEASE stop calling me that?" said Lucius. Lucius walked up to the counter. "You!" said Lucius. "Hello, there! I suppose you want my autograph?" said Lockhart.
"What can we dry clean for you, sir?" asked Lucius, through gritted teeth. "Will ten be enough, then?" asked Lockhart, pulling out an imaginary notepad and pen.
"Do you need that disgusting purple thing with the fake gems on it that you're wearing dry cleaned?" asked Lucius.
"Well, I suppose I could sign fifteen, but that is all for now, I'm afraid! I'm a very busy man, you know!" said Lockhart.
"I'll just take it, then!" said Lucius, going around the counter and ripping Lockhart's clothing off. "It'll be ready sometime after Armegeddon." said Lucius, taking the destroyed clothing into the back.
"There you are!" said Lockhart, handing the imaginary autographs over to no one. Lockhart looked around, smiling. He walked out of the store.
"Hello, there! I suppose you'd like my autograph?" asked Lockhart to the first person who passed him.
"Damn that Saint Mungo's, releasing him into the custody of Narcissa so he could be her new boy toy!" growled Lucius, throwing Lockhart's clothes into the trash.
"Hey, Lucy, phone call." said the other employee. Lucius grabbed the phone. "Hello?!" said Lucius.
"Hi, there. Are your drying machines running?" asked a voice on the other end. "Hmm? Why, yes, yes they are." said Lucius. "Well, then, you'd better go catch them!" said the voice, and then Lucius reckognized the laughter of Harry Potter and Ron Weasely.
"What?!?? I've been scammed! You two rat bastards--" Lucius said, before they hung up.
Later Lucius walked home to his tiny apartment and fixed himself a jelly sandwich. He couldn't afford any peanut butter. Lucius sat down on his filthy cot and snarled as he bit into his disgusting sandwich.
"Look at me! Mocked! Living like a muggle! Someday. Someday Lucius Malfoy will be back. The wizarding world will reckognize me as a great aristocrat and a force to be reckoned with again!" said Lucius.
"I know what I'll do. I just have to find the right woman. I'll marry money!" said Lucius, standing up.
The next day, Lucius set out to woo a rich witch.
Lucius found an old woman sitting at a bar alone, draped in diamonds and rubies. "Hey, there." said Lucius, sliding up beside her. "Oh, hello, there." said the woman, giggling.
"Why is a foxy momma like yourself sitting all alone?" said Lucius. "Oh, heeheeheheehee!" said the woman, blushing. "My name is Lucius, what's yours?" said Lucius. "Oh, you're that wizard who lost everything and now lives like a pathetic Muggle?'" said the woman. Lucius kept a smile on his red face. "And what is your name, my sweet?" said Lucius. "Arugala Fletch." said the woman, batting her eyes at him. "Could I buy you a drink?" said Lucius.
After a couple of months, Lucius and Arugala were married. "Ah, yes now I've got your mansion and your wealth all to myself." said Lucius. "What?" said Arugala. "I mean, YOU, now I've got you..." said Lucius.
Pretty soon, Lucius was a man about town again. "Now is the time to reap my revenge." said Lucius.
"Narcissa Malfoy is throwing a party tonight! We simply must go!" said Arugala when she got home from being out all day as usual.
"YES!! Let us!" said Lucius.
"Hello there! Do I know you?!" said Narcissa, when she saw Arugala. "Say, who's that?! That's my ex husband!!" said Narcissa. "That's right, hot stuff!" said Lucius, whipping out his wand. "ADAVERA KADAVERA!!" he screamed. Narcissa fell dead to the floor.
Lockhart walked out from the next room holding a tray of hor'devores. "Hello, there! I suppose you'd like my autograph?" he said, smiling. "ADAVERA KADAVERA!!" screamed Lucius. Lockhart dropped dead to the floor.
Lucius started blasting away Narcissa's guests. "Dear, are you not enjoying yourself?" asked Arugala. Finally, somebody else aimed a wand at Lucius. "Let's get outta here!" said Lucius. They ran out.
"I wanted to go to the party!" sobbed Arugala. "Don't worry, dear, we'll go to the most expensive play and theater in town." said Lucius. "No! I want a divorce!" sobbed Arugala. "What?!" said Lucius. Suddenly, the car was stopped. Albus Dumbledore and a squad of others appeared and walked up to Lucius. "We know you just killed a bunch of people." said Dumbledore.
"Oh, yheah?! Well nothing can stop Lucius Malfoy!! Go ahead and lock me up! I'll just get out! My animagus is a white caterpiller, I can slip through the bars! And when I do get out, I might be divorced, but I'm getting half of all my wife's money, so I'll still be FILLLLTHYYY RIIIIIICCHHH!!!" Lucius said, twisting up his face and screaming the last part in Dumbledor'es face.
"I'm afraid not." said Dumbledore, looking at Arugala. Arugala rung her hands together. "What?!" said Lucius. "Well, you see, you can't have any of my money because technically, our marriage was never legal." said Arugala. Arugala reached up and pulled off her wig, revealing herself to be Argus Filch. "Gakk!" said Lucius, and stepped back. "I was just trying it that one night, dressing up as a woman! I just wanted to see how far I could take it! I never expected this to happen!" said Filch.
"That's it then. I have northing!" said Lucius, closing his eyes and crying. "I'm a nobody again! Malfoy is a nobody! My life is over!" said Lucius.
"It doesn't have to be like that, Malfoy. You can come and teach at Hogwarts." said Dumbledore.
"I can???" said Lucius.
"Sure you can. You can teach Potions. Now that we've found someone as nasty as Snape to teach it, we can let Snape have that DADA job he's always wanted." said Dumbledore.
"Yay!" said Malfoy.
The end.
Lucius Malfoy looked out the window in his study, thinking he could sense someone peering in at him. Seeing nobody, Malfoy sat back down in his chair. The door flung open. Malfoy grabbed his wand and aimed it at the intruder.
"Lucius! It's me! I just came to tell you Snape's in the living room." said Narcissa, annoyed. She left. "Oh, Snape! My old buddy!" said Lucius, cheerfully putting his wand away.
Lucius walked into the living room, grinning. Snape grinned and stood up off the couch. They shook hands and patted eachother on the back. "Snape! Get ya a drink or anything?" said Lucius.
"Actually I was hoping we could play some darts." said Snape. "Course, old pal! Let's go down to the basement!" said Lucius. Narcissa snorted. "Nevermind her," said Lucius bitterly, "She wanted us to watch some movie tonight, spend some TIME together. Always nag, nag, nag."
They went down into the basement, which was set up as a rec room. Lucius got the darts and stood in front of the dart board, which had a picture of Harry's face in the middle. "There we are!" said Lucius, aiming a dart. He fired it, missing completey. "Damn it!" said Lucius.
Snape took a dart and hit the bullseye, Harry's nose. "So, how have things been going at the Death Eaters meetings?" said Snape. "Oh, great, great! Lots of plans, lots of plans Voldemort has." said Lucius, firing another dart and hitting the wall. "DAMN it!" said Lucius.
"What kinds of plans?" asked Snape, hitting the bullseye again. "Well, you see, blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah, blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblah...." said Lucius. "Oh, I see." said Snape, taking notes. "That's excellent. Well, it's been fun. I'll see you soon." said Snape. "What? Oh, ok then. I'll see you out." said Lucius, walking up the stairs with Snape.
"Lalala, I always love it when you stop by." said Lucius, smiling as they walked out the basement door. Snape and Lucius walked into the living room and Lucius stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Narcissa making out with Kreacher on the couch.
"I'll just be going..." said Snape, continuing towards the door. "Wait! I...NARCISSA!!" said Lucius. Narcissa noticed him, and broke away from Kreacher. Kreacher grinned and glared at Lucius while wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.
"You little bastard! How could you do this??" Lucius said to Kreacher. Kreacher just started laughing. "Why don't you ask ME why?! I did it because you're never there for me, Lucius! Never!!" said Narcissa. "Shut up, you hag!" said Lucius. "You son of a bitch! I hate you!" said Narcissa. "Narcissa, you betrayed me! You tramp!' said Lucius. "Oh, that ain't the half of it!" said Narcissa, standing up. "I slept with Filch! And Percy! And your Death Eater pals Crabbe and Goyle, too! And let's not forget..." said Narcissa, turning to Snape.
Lucius looked from Snape to Narcissa, a blank expression on his face.
"That's right! I got it on with Snape, too!" said Narcissa. "WHAT?!" said Lucius. "Er, don't believe her! She's crazy!" said Snape. "You lying slimebag!" said Narcissa. "How dare you suggest Snape is capable of lying! Get out of my sight, and get out of my life, woman!" said Lucius. "My pleasure! I'm taking Draco!" said Narcissa. "Thank God!" said Lucius.
"Noooo!" said Draco, who'd been listening in upstairs. Draco started wailing as Narcissa commanded him to pack his things. "Shut up! Start packing!" Narcissa snarled.
"Anyway." said Snape, "It was good to see you again, Lucius." said Snape. "I can't believe that woman! After 18 years of marriages she turns around and turns into a harlet! I buy her everything under the sun, that hell demon, she..." Lucius said, continuing to rave about Narcissa long after Snape, Narcissa and Draco had gone.
"Fine! Good riddence! I don't need her!" Lucius said. He glared out the window. "I'm glad to be rid of her! I'm gonna go out and find me a new woman right now!" said Lucius, running out the door.
Lucius stopped, looking around. "There could be those Order of the Phoenix geeks lurking anywhere..." said Lucius, looking around. Lucius ran back inside. "I must disguise myself!" said Lucius, rubbing his hands together. Lucius pulled a scarf over his head and put on a shawl. "Now I'm an old woman, nobody will ever suspect me." said Lucius. He laughed and ran out the door.
Lucius went into a pub. "Hey, there." said Lucius to a woman sitting next to him. "Lucius Malfoy!" said the woman, turning to him and revealing herself to be Professor McGonigall.
"AAAHHH!!" screamed Lucius, running out of the pub.
"Help! They're everywhere! There's only one place I can be safe! with the Dark Lord!" said Lucius. He ran to the Death Eaters headquarters. When Lucius got there, he was shocked to see Narcissa and Voldemort making out on a bed.
"What?! Why?? How could you sleep with Voldemort?!" said Lucius. "What's that supposed to mean?!" said Voldemort, dangerously. "Nothing, my Lord! I mean, of course she'd want to, I mean, who wouldn't, you being a virile, half dead, red eyed freak--" Lucius said, just before Voldemort fired a curse above his head, breaking a vase. "Get outta here! I banish you from the Death Eaters!" said Voldemort.
"Noooo!!" wailed Lucius, in misery. He got down on his knees. "Please, Master, the Death Eaters is all I have." said Lucius. "Fine, then I'll just knock you off now." said Voldemort, aiming the wand at Lucius's forehead. "Nevermind, I'll just go." said Lucius, putting on a nervous smile and backing out of the room.
Lucius was angrily heading for the door when Draco jumped out of nowhere and stabbed him in the arm.
"You bastard! You broke up my home!!" said Draco.
"You ingrateful little wretch! I'll kill you!" said Lucius, taking out his wand. "No, you don't! I'll kill you!" said Draco, taking out his wand. "Say goodnight, Draco!" said Lucius. "You! I hate you! You made mom sleep with Voldemort! I don't want him to be my new dad!" said Draco. "Well, I didn't force your mother to leave the house!" said Lucius. "Yes you did!" said Draco. "Oh. Well, you're better off anyway!" said Lucius. "No I'm not! I just want my old life back! My old dad!" said Draco, sadly. "Oh, son." said Lucius, bursting into tears. They both put their wands away and embraced. Suddenly, Draco pulled back out the knife and stabbed Lucius in the back.
Lucius grabbed his wand again. "AVEDERA KADAVERA!!" he roared, blasting Draco. "Oops..." said Draco, just before he died.
Lucius ran out of the building. "Snape! He's the only one I can trust!" said Lucius, running to Snape's home.
Lucius beat down the door and ran into the house. "SNAPE!!" screamed Lucius. Snape came running out of the kitchen, a shocked expression on his face.
"Get this friggin' knife out of my back!" said Lucius. "Oh! Lucius, but of course..." said Snape, running over. Snape pulled the knife out. "My life, my life has gone to hell!" said Lucius.
"What is going on?" said Dumbledore, walking out of the kitchen with Hagrid.
"LOOK! Members of the Order of the Pheonix! They've invaded your home, Snape! We must fight!" said Lucius, pulling his wand. "Oh, yes! Of course!" said Snape, pulling his own wand.
"Ohh...right." said Dumbledore. "Huh?" said Hagrid. "We'll just run away now!" said Dumbledore, grabbing Hagrid's arm and running out of the house.
"They're everywhere, they're everywhere!" said Lucius. "Just settle down, Lucius. Narcissa and Draco were just pains in your ass, remember?" said Snape.
"It's not just that. Forget them! It's Voldemort. He kicked me out of the Death Eaters!" said Lucius, tears streaming down his face.
"What?! You mean, you won't be getting anymore information?!" said Snape. "Nope." said Lucius. "I...I can't believe this. Get out! Get out! Get out!" said Snape, grabbing Lucius by the arm and swinging him towards the door. "What? Hey! What's wrong?" said Lucius.
"You damned fool! I've just been collecting information from you to give to the Order of the Phoenix! I left Voldemort years ago and am on Dumbledore's side! Every idiot in the universe knows that except you!" said Snape.
"NOOOOOOOO!! It can't be true!" said Lucius. "Yes, you moron!" said Snape, pointing his wand at Lucius. Lucius gaped in shock. "ADAVERA--" said Snape. Lucius turned and ran out the door.
Hours later, Lucius sat on the curb of a dark street he didn't know the name of. "All by myselllff...don't wanna be....all by my selllff, anymore..." music played. "What has become of me?!" Lucius bellowed to the sky, tears streaming down his face again. "What will I do?! Where will I go?!!" he cried.
"I guess I'll go home." he said a few minutes later, getting up. Lucius walked home. Just as Lucius was stepping onto his lawn, a crane slammed a wrecking ball into Lucius' house, demolishing it.
"Didn't you get the message?" said the guy in the crane.
After standing and staring for a minute at the rubble that was his house, Lucius walked down the road.
"I've got to start a new life...I'm just going to have to move on..." said Lucius eventually.
__________
After a few months, Lucius was imployed at a Muggle dry cleaners. One day, Gilderoy Lockhart walked in, grinning. "Hello, there! I suppose you want my autograph!" said Lockhart to the female employee at the counter. "Lucy! You take this one!" said the woman, heading into the back. "Could you PLEASE stop calling me that?" said Lucius. Lucius walked up to the counter. "You!" said Lucius. "Hello, there! I suppose you want my autograph?" said Lockhart.
"What can we dry clean for you, sir?" asked Lucius, through gritted teeth. "Will ten be enough, then?" asked Lockhart, pulling out an imaginary notepad and pen.
"Do you need that disgusting purple thing with the fake gems on it that you're wearing dry cleaned?" asked Lucius.
"Well, I suppose I could sign fifteen, but that is all for now, I'm afraid! I'm a very busy man, you know!" said Lockhart.
"I'll just take it, then!" said Lucius, going around the counter and ripping Lockhart's clothing off. "It'll be ready sometime after Armegeddon." said Lucius, taking the destroyed clothing into the back.
"There you are!" said Lockhart, handing the imaginary autographs over to no one. Lockhart looked around, smiling. He walked out of the store.
"Hello, there! I suppose you'd like my autograph?" asked Lockhart to the first person who passed him.
"Damn that Saint Mungo's, releasing him into the custody of Narcissa so he could be her new boy toy!" growled Lucius, throwing Lockhart's clothes into the trash.
"Hey, Lucy, phone call." said the other employee. Lucius grabbed the phone. "Hello?!" said Lucius.
"Hi, there. Are your drying machines running?" asked a voice on the other end. "Hmm? Why, yes, yes they are." said Lucius. "Well, then, you'd better go catch them!" said the voice, and then Lucius reckognized the laughter of Harry Potter and Ron Weasely.
"What?!?? I've been scammed! You two rat bastards--" Lucius said, before they hung up.
Later Lucius walked home to his tiny apartment and fixed himself a jelly sandwich. He couldn't afford any peanut butter. Lucius sat down on his filthy cot and snarled as he bit into his disgusting sandwich.
"Look at me! Mocked! Living like a muggle! Someday. Someday Lucius Malfoy will be back. The wizarding world will reckognize me as a great aristocrat and a force to be reckoned with again!" said Lucius.
"I know what I'll do. I just have to find the right woman. I'll marry money!" said Lucius, standing up.
The next day, Lucius set out to woo a rich witch.
Lucius found an old woman sitting at a bar alone, draped in diamonds and rubies. "Hey, there." said Lucius, sliding up beside her. "Oh, hello, there." said the woman, giggling.
"Why is a foxy momma like yourself sitting all alone?" said Lucius. "Oh, heeheeheheehee!" said the woman, blushing. "My name is Lucius, what's yours?" said Lucius. "Oh, you're that wizard who lost everything and now lives like a pathetic Muggle?'" said the woman. Lucius kept a smile on his red face. "And what is your name, my sweet?" said Lucius. "Arugala Fletch." said the woman, batting her eyes at him. "Could I buy you a drink?" said Lucius.
After a couple of months, Lucius and Arugala were married. "Ah, yes now I've got your mansion and your wealth all to myself." said Lucius. "What?" said Arugala. "I mean, YOU, now I've got you..." said Lucius.
Pretty soon, Lucius was a man about town again. "Now is the time to reap my revenge." said Lucius.
"Narcissa Malfoy is throwing a party tonight! We simply must go!" said Arugala when she got home from being out all day as usual.
"YES!! Let us!" said Lucius.
"Hello there! Do I know you?!" said Narcissa, when she saw Arugala. "Say, who's that?! That's my ex husband!!" said Narcissa. "That's right, hot stuff!" said Lucius, whipping out his wand. "ADAVERA KADAVERA!!" he screamed. Narcissa fell dead to the floor.
Lockhart walked out from the next room holding a tray of hor'devores. "Hello, there! I suppose you'd like my autograph?" he said, smiling. "ADAVERA KADAVERA!!" screamed Lucius. Lockhart dropped dead to the floor.
Lucius started blasting away Narcissa's guests. "Dear, are you not enjoying yourself?" asked Arugala. Finally, somebody else aimed a wand at Lucius. "Let's get outta here!" said Lucius. They ran out.
"I wanted to go to the party!" sobbed Arugala. "Don't worry, dear, we'll go to the most expensive play and theater in town." said Lucius. "No! I want a divorce!" sobbed Arugala. "What?!" said Lucius. Suddenly, the car was stopped. Albus Dumbledore and a squad of others appeared and walked up to Lucius. "We know you just killed a bunch of people." said Dumbledore.
"Oh, yheah?! Well nothing can stop Lucius Malfoy!! Go ahead and lock me up! I'll just get out! My animagus is a white caterpiller, I can slip through the bars! And when I do get out, I might be divorced, but I'm getting half of all my wife's money, so I'll still be FILLLLTHYYY RIIIIIICCHHH!!!" Lucius said, twisting up his face and screaming the last part in Dumbledor'es face.
"I'm afraid not." said Dumbledore, looking at Arugala. Arugala rung her hands together. "What?!" said Lucius. "Well, you see, you can't have any of my money because technically, our marriage was never legal." said Arugala. Arugala reached up and pulled off her wig, revealing herself to be Argus Filch. "Gakk!" said Lucius, and stepped back. "I was just trying it that one night, dressing up as a woman! I just wanted to see how far I could take it! I never expected this to happen!" said Filch.
"That's it then. I have northing!" said Lucius, closing his eyes and crying. "I'm a nobody again! Malfoy is a nobody! My life is over!" said Lucius.
"It doesn't have to be like that, Malfoy. You can come and teach at Hogwarts." said Dumbledore.
"I can???" said Lucius.
"Sure you can. You can teach Potions. Now that we've found someone as nasty as Snape to teach it, we can let Snape have that DADA job he's always wanted." said Dumbledore.
"Yay!" said Malfoy.
The end.