(Chapter 5: Survivor's Guilt)
Excerpt from the Personal Diary of Mike Hooper:
It's been a month already, feels like it happened yesterday. Every night, bad dreams, always the same. Fire, water, screams. Tyler still on the boat. His funeral was simple and sparsely attended, family, a few friends. His mom took it hard, she was screaming at me, asking me why I couldn't have saved him as well. I couldn't answer, I don't even know. He chose to stay. He was meant to die, we all were.
The guy was my best friend, practically my brother, yet why am I more worried about myself now than I ever was about Tyler? Can't get it out of my head, but we cheated death, I should feel good, right? In this screwed up world, I just can't trust my gut, it's that feeling that something's out of place. Something's gonna happen. Then again, the whole universe is out of place, I saw something, well, Sarah and I saw something. That moment when we touched, something happened, we saw the same thing, I don't know but something happened in that brief moment of contact. We were one for a second. Who am I kidding, it was just a freak moment in the universe, I'm losing my mind out here. Everyone thinks I'm nuts, even my dad. Nothing has changed much for me, the others have all taken this differently, but I've remained more or less the same I think. More nervous than usual, but then again when am I not nervous? There's a bulletin board above my head, drawings and newspaper articles everywhere. All the stuff on the sinking, the list of people who have died, their obituaries. If I could only figure out the how and the why, there's something in the information that must be found. None of the articles mentioned the dream, or premonition, or whatever it was. Dad says I'm obsessed with the event, that it's taking over my life. Maybe it is.
Nick, the guy's made a complete turnaround. Still cocky, still arrogant, but he's grateful to be alive. I'm pretty sure he's found religion by the sounds of it, though with him constantly calling at around midnight to thank me it's kind of getting irritating. He went from a near-constant class clown/jerk into a human being and a go to guy.
Rhonda, she's tried to take this as professionally as possible, like it's just any other news story. Nick has told me that she cries when she thinks she's alone.
A couple has emerged from the ruins, an unexpected one at that. Katie and Rudy, however in the world it could happen, seemed to have hooked up. Who'd have thunk it? She thanks him for saving his life, while Rudy seems to be the same giant teddy bear that he always was. He says finding his mortality has made him a stronger person and that he feels good for the upcoming football season. At least it's not half as irritating as those guys who thank Jesus for helping them shatter the spine of an opposing team member.
Clinton and Lori, no update on them nor do I care to, they remain as above us all like always. Clinton is more violent than usual, and twice in the past month he's seen fit to kicking the crap out of me for no apparent reason.
Tina is unchanged, still the hoity toity cheerleader. A "too messy" as dad says.
Darwin too has dropped off the radar, you used to always see him around, always with that stupid grin, always eager to please and try and impress the teachers. I saw him once, and then he was gone. He ran like hell when he saw me too, weird. I guess I earned it.
The two people out of the bunch that survived that I care about most have had the most drastic changes in their lives, all of which I feel responsible for. Mr. Christy lost his job, just shy of retiring too. Parents sued the school, citing that the field trip caused the deaths of their kids. It was an "accident", death's grand scheme, whatever you want to call it. Nevertheless, I've never seen a more depressed person in the world. He thinks he got the students killed, which is odd since his sending us up there saved our lives. Still, he's not letting it go. Then again, he has gone through 'nam and he still feels responsible for the guys he lost there, so it's probably a character thing. He was a damned good teacher, and one of the people I have most respect for in this world, and now all the others seem to wish he went down with the boat.
Then comes Sarah, the most confident, beautiful and optimistic person in this world. One day she was bubbly cheerleader girl, then I touch her, we see death, we cheat death, and the next she's an angst-ridden Goth girl. Clothes are all black now, she's ditched the cheerleading squad, and she wears less girly jewelry and more chains and spikes now. Her personality has changed to the brooding, loner type and no one outside of Tina seems to be able to get to her. That smile she always had when she passed me in the hall is gone, the only words she'll say to me are, "Stay away."
So, we've all got the survivor's guilt, or post-traumatic stress disorder, or some simple form of remorse over living when we shouldn't. We're alive, Sarah and I saved their lives. What's wrong with the picture? I don't know, it's just that feeling you get when you know that something is just not right. It'll be Christmas soon, families won't have their kids, their brothers, their sisters.
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world…
Signed, Mike Hooper, 12/16
Excerpt from the Personal Diary of Mike Hooper:
It's been a month already, feels like it happened yesterday. Every night, bad dreams, always the same. Fire, water, screams. Tyler still on the boat. His funeral was simple and sparsely attended, family, a few friends. His mom took it hard, she was screaming at me, asking me why I couldn't have saved him as well. I couldn't answer, I don't even know. He chose to stay. He was meant to die, we all were.
The guy was my best friend, practically my brother, yet why am I more worried about myself now than I ever was about Tyler? Can't get it out of my head, but we cheated death, I should feel good, right? In this screwed up world, I just can't trust my gut, it's that feeling that something's out of place. Something's gonna happen. Then again, the whole universe is out of place, I saw something, well, Sarah and I saw something. That moment when we touched, something happened, we saw the same thing, I don't know but something happened in that brief moment of contact. We were one for a second. Who am I kidding, it was just a freak moment in the universe, I'm losing my mind out here. Everyone thinks I'm nuts, even my dad. Nothing has changed much for me, the others have all taken this differently, but I've remained more or less the same I think. More nervous than usual, but then again when am I not nervous? There's a bulletin board above my head, drawings and newspaper articles everywhere. All the stuff on the sinking, the list of people who have died, their obituaries. If I could only figure out the how and the why, there's something in the information that must be found. None of the articles mentioned the dream, or premonition, or whatever it was. Dad says I'm obsessed with the event, that it's taking over my life. Maybe it is.
Nick, the guy's made a complete turnaround. Still cocky, still arrogant, but he's grateful to be alive. I'm pretty sure he's found religion by the sounds of it, though with him constantly calling at around midnight to thank me it's kind of getting irritating. He went from a near-constant class clown/jerk into a human being and a go to guy.
Rhonda, she's tried to take this as professionally as possible, like it's just any other news story. Nick has told me that she cries when she thinks she's alone.
A couple has emerged from the ruins, an unexpected one at that. Katie and Rudy, however in the world it could happen, seemed to have hooked up. Who'd have thunk it? She thanks him for saving his life, while Rudy seems to be the same giant teddy bear that he always was. He says finding his mortality has made him a stronger person and that he feels good for the upcoming football season. At least it's not half as irritating as those guys who thank Jesus for helping them shatter the spine of an opposing team member.
Clinton and Lori, no update on them nor do I care to, they remain as above us all like always. Clinton is more violent than usual, and twice in the past month he's seen fit to kicking the crap out of me for no apparent reason.
Tina is unchanged, still the hoity toity cheerleader. A "too messy" as dad says.
Darwin too has dropped off the radar, you used to always see him around, always with that stupid grin, always eager to please and try and impress the teachers. I saw him once, and then he was gone. He ran like hell when he saw me too, weird. I guess I earned it.
The two people out of the bunch that survived that I care about most have had the most drastic changes in their lives, all of which I feel responsible for. Mr. Christy lost his job, just shy of retiring too. Parents sued the school, citing that the field trip caused the deaths of their kids. It was an "accident", death's grand scheme, whatever you want to call it. Nevertheless, I've never seen a more depressed person in the world. He thinks he got the students killed, which is odd since his sending us up there saved our lives. Still, he's not letting it go. Then again, he has gone through 'nam and he still feels responsible for the guys he lost there, so it's probably a character thing. He was a damned good teacher, and one of the people I have most respect for in this world, and now all the others seem to wish he went down with the boat.
Then comes Sarah, the most confident, beautiful and optimistic person in this world. One day she was bubbly cheerleader girl, then I touch her, we see death, we cheat death, and the next she's an angst-ridden Goth girl. Clothes are all black now, she's ditched the cheerleading squad, and she wears less girly jewelry and more chains and spikes now. Her personality has changed to the brooding, loner type and no one outside of Tina seems to be able to get to her. That smile she always had when she passed me in the hall is gone, the only words she'll say to me are, "Stay away."
So, we've all got the survivor's guilt, or post-traumatic stress disorder, or some simple form of remorse over living when we shouldn't. We're alive, Sarah and I saved their lives. What's wrong with the picture? I don't know, it's just that feeling you get when you know that something is just not right. It'll be Christmas soon, families won't have their kids, their brothers, their sisters.
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world…
Signed, Mike Hooper, 12/16