Disclaimer: Boby Hobs International makes no disclaim over Harry Potter but wishes to inform all rights to Boby Hobs. B.H. International would also like to apologize to Ms. Rowling for the misuse of Chang's name and gender.
Warnings: PG-13 slash
Harry Potter in a Nutshell
by Boby Hobs
Harry was in a nutshell, desperately fighting for an exit. Professor Trelawney, no, hundreds of pesky Professor Trelawneys, were trying to gnaw their way into the nutshell. Harry had two options and both of them would have a miserable outcome: if he stayed inside, the Trelawneys (all thousand of them) would make their way to him and predict him his premature and agonizing death. If he tried to break out, the Trelawneys (all million of them) would catch him for sure and predict him his premature and agonizing death. Given that this was a 'you can only win' scenario, Harry decided to stay put.
"Harry, mate, wake up," said Ron and nudged Harry in the ribs.
"Uh?" responded Harry and glanced worryingly at the billion Trelawneys who had ceased the attempt to break into the nutshell and instead, were waving hundreds of white flags to indicate their surrender.
Harry escaped from answering and Trelawney's lesson when Peeves, the designated poltergeist, broke in to their class and started throwing incests [sic] at them. Harry ducked and the incent crashed on Ron instead. At this point, Trelawney chose to have a holy vision in which her classroom was in flames and she dismissed the class with a croaking voice.
"That was a close call, mate," breathed Ron when they finally reached divine safety.
"Uh?" replied Harry, opening his eyes for the first time.
"C'mon, mate. We have double Potions," whined Ron and lead Harry towards Snape's dungeon. Harry still hadn't quite understood what was going on but followed Ron's lead obediently. In spite of their hastiness, they arrived at the dungeons an instant too late.
"Late is the hour in which hundred chooses to appear," smirked Snape when they entered the classroom.
"Uh?" inquired Harry.
"You will address to me as 'Professor', Potter," gnarled Snape.
"Uh, Professor?"
"Never mind, Potter," replied Snape and then, if a fit of anger, said "Away with you both!" Ron and Harry gazed at Hermione helplessly but she made a face and turned her back on them. The boys shrugged, Harry uttered a non-committal "uh" and they left the classroom.
"Looks like we got ourselves a free afternoon, ay, mate?" said Ron. In unspoken agreement, the two headed towards Myrtle's watery residence.
Their way was blocked by Peeves who was in a lousy mood after his little disciplinary chat with the Bloody Baron. Delighted to meet such fitting victims, he took his indignation at the boys by throwing torches at them.
"Perdremus bloody poltergeissimus infernalissimus!" yelled Ron and waved his wand in the air. The spell to exorcize unwanted ghosts did not succeed; instead, the spell backfired on Ron, turning him into a bloody parsnip. Harry never had the chance to match his wits with Peeves as the poltergeist started giggling manly and vanished through the ceiling. Feeling sympathy for his mate, Harry carried the parsnip to the Hospital Wing.
Once they got to the healing hands of Madam Pomfrey, she nodded and said, "Mr. Weasley, how delightful to see you again. Will you please be more careful with your wizardry from now on? I have other patients to attend, too." With this, Madam Pomfrey waved her hand at the hospital bed on which someone was lying. Harry's heart missed a beat as he gazed at the bed: It was Joe Chang, the Quidditch player of his dreams! Ron and his problems forgotten, Harry dumped the parsnip rather unceremoniously from the window and ignoring Madame Pomfrey's protests, stepped over beside Joe's bed. Madame Pomfrey ran after the discarded parsnip and left the two of them alone.
"So.... what happened to you?" asked Harry.
"I've been having nightmares because of Cedric," replied Joe. He corrected hastily: "Because of what happened to him, I mean."
Harry was surprised at the openness in his friend. Or was Joe his friend and not something so much more? Harry stared appraisingly at Joe's well-shaped forms, gleaming muscles, experienced hands, seeing eyes, torn shirt... Harry admired the straight black hair... 'How did it stay in shape when his didn't?' He gazed at the travel-worn robe the color of which was perfectly chosen. 'Joe is better... endowed... than I expected,' mused Harry, inspecting the clothes closer than necessary.
"You poor thing," muttered Harry and sat right beside Joe. Suddenly, a strange muzac, for Harry's ears only, filled the air.
Lay yourself now down to sleep,
In my dreams you're mine to keep.
Happily, Harry followed the instructions to the letter and lay beside Joe. He did what a man has to do, and then he heard the strange muzac again:
The moment I will step aside,
You're ready for another ride...
"OK."
At this point, Joe was already unconscious, from love or lust, who knows. Suddenly, Joe woke up, apparently very pleased with Harry's . . . way with people. 'Once more to the breeches,' decided Harry.
Didn't you read the tales
Where happily ever after was to kiss a frog?
'Ron,' thought Harry, remembering his best friend who had accidentally turned himself into a parsnip and then allowed himself to be thrown out of the window. For all Harry knew, at this very moment, Ron was eaten alive by blood-lusting Thestrals. 'Poor Ron, he never knew what got him.'
THE END
The lyrics are from Sleepwalker by Nightwish, Last Drop Falls by Sonata Arctica, and Beauty and the Beast by Nighwish, respectively. "Late is the hour in which hundred chooses to appear" is an Engrish subtitle of The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. Boby Hobs Int. makes no claim over the aforementioned parties and trademarks.