Disclaimer: Not mine, don't sue…please?
Pairing: Eventual Draco/Harry…
A/N: So many people reviewed!! I'm so happy!! *bounces up and down*. Keep up the wonderful reviews!! Thanks sooooo much!! Love you all. :).
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What the hell…??
Chapter 5: Retching Normality
Another sleep-deprived night tortured Harry. Lost in his contemplation, he stared blankly at the canopy of his bed, the image of a falling Draco broadcasted itself over and over again in his mind. It had been the most terrifying moment of his life. Draco could've died. This fact alone made Harry's body shake with fear and despair.
The pain that seized his heart from this morning refused to dissipate, and Harry surrendered to it, surrendered to the truth. How could he not, when the mere thought of losing Draco could bring tears to his eyes? It took the most desperate circumstance to force him to see clearly, to believe without a doubt, what the reality was. There was just no point anymore in denying it, rejecting it, escaping it.
He was falling in love with him.
Plain and simple; yet ever so complicated. He sighed; sleep was definitely out of question tonight. Sick and tired of useless twistings and turnings, Harry slid off his bed. He needed a walk to get rid of the tightness that had settled in his chest. He draped his invisibility cloak securely around him, and creeped out of the tower.
Harry tiptoed his way towards the infirmary, but his steps grew heavier and more urgent as he drew nearer. He carefully pushed the doors to the Hospital Wing open and peeked in. His eyes immediately landed on a blonde head, which was only half-exposed. The lower half of Draco's face and his body were tucked in deeply and comfortably under the blanket.
His long and delicate eyelashes kept fluttering, revealing his deep state of slumber. Actually, Draco was magically put to sleep by Madame Pomfrey for the night, in order to do a more thorough and pain-free check for any neck injuries. The bludger had only broken a few bones, which were mended by the said nurse immediately, no permanent damage were done.
Harry reached his right hand out to tenderly caress Draco's rarely disarrayed hair. When he noticed Draco's left hand dangling at the side of the bed, he intended to tuck it back inside the cover with his free hand. But, at the instant they came in contact, Draco's fingers subconsciously curled themselves around Harry's, holding their left hands awkwardly together. Harry couldn't, or more precisely, didn't want to let go.
The tightness in his chest aggravated. So what if I am in love with him? He's with somebody else, and there's nothing I can do about it. …Or, is there? What if I told him? How would he react? Would he leave Terry?… Not bloody likely! He sighed.
Harry tightened his own grip. He looked from their interlaced fingers, there might not be another chance to hold his hand like this, to Draco's half hidden face, he looked so fragile, so tired, and so… un-shiny.
"I've been such a hypocrite." Harry began almost inaudibly, more to himself than to Draco. "I told you to trust yourself, when I was the one doubting myself all along."
Unwilling to break the stolen touch, Harry stood beside Draco's bed without even attempting to obtain a nearby chair.
The night quietly dissolved away, much to Harry's dismay. The sun's emergence signaled the expiration of his stay in the infirmary. He had to head back to his dorms before his housemates noticed his absence. So, with a last lingering look, Harry reluctantly extracted himself from the other boy and left.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Before breakfast the next morning, Harry had to do something very important: dump Mandy. There was just no way he could continue their relationship, being fully aware that his heart belonged somewhere else. Harry chose to tell her over breakfast in the Great Hall. Mandy was smart enough not to create an embarrassing scene in front of the whole school, so they separated peacefully.
Exhaustion from severe lack of sleep made Harry's stomach oppose the idea of food so early in the morning, so, with some mumbled nonsense, he excused himself from his worried friends, and proceeded to the infirmary again. Draco should be awake by now… And he was. But, he wasn't alone. Terry was there, too, holding his hand much like Harry did a few hours ago.
Stabs of jealousy pierced through his heart like a thousand knives, or maybe a cruciatus or two, and Harry had to bite his tongue.
When they noticed his entrance, Terry gave a small nod, while Draco bolted up and asked, "Who won?", before Harry could say anything.
"Gryffindor, as per usual." Harry said, trying act normal and hoping they didn't notice the slight quivering in his voice. "How are you?"
Draco answered Harry by a chain of obscenities, although somewhat euphemized in Terry's presence, still obscenities nonetheless, regarding one stupid bludger and one stupid Gryffindor seeker. Harry, lightened by the normality on Draco's part, retorted, with an equally colorful use of Englsih language, by saying something about one stupid Slytherin seeker's inadequacy in Quidditch. And so, another friendly discussion about Quidditch was launched.
Just when Draco was demanding a rematch, the Head Boy, who was somehow lost and forgotten in the mist of their petty and overly childish bickerings, decided that their discussion was too sporting for his taste, and would rather be enjoying a hot and greasy breakfast right about now. So, he bid the two players goodbye, but not without granting a last kiss on his boyfriend's cheek. And the brightest smile Harry had ever seen burgeoned on Draco's face.
At that instant, Harry decided he would not reveal his feelings to the Slytherin, because it didn't matter. It didn't matter that Draco was with somebody else, it didn't matter that his feelings were forever unrequited. Just as long as Draco could keep smiling like that, everything else really didn't matter. Coming to this conclusion, Harry felt like something was lifted from his chest, and he sighed.
Before Terry reached the infirmary entrance, the door was suddenly pulled open from the outside, and Blaise stepped in with the other Slytherins. He stopped dead at seeing the Head Boy, who greeted them with another cold nod and left the infirmary. Blaise scowled at Terry's back, his eyes burning with something more than hatred. Harry had seen this look before, but he couldn't comprehend its meaning until today. Today, that look spoke volumes. It was the exact same look Harry himself had been sending the Ravenclaw, with jealousy. Harry's eyes widened with shock at the realization. Oh My God…
Harry turned to Draco to see if he had noticed anything, but the blonde just shrugged and said quietly, "Told you he didn't like him." And then, he excitedly welcomed his friends.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Their visit that morning lasted until it was time for their first class. Draco was released shortly afterwards, once Madame Pomfrey deemed him healthy enough. Everything returned to normal.
Well, as normal as Harry wished to be. Because, for Harry Potter, normality would not have consisted of meaningless oglings at Draco Malfoy, erotic dreams about Draco Malfoy, insane urges to lick Draco Malfoy, and, most of all, it definitely did not include an uncontrollable selfless desire to make Draco Malfoy happy. But, Harry Potter had learned from an early age that life was never what he wished for, all he could do was settle with what he had, and make the best out of it. And so, he did, although not without some intense jealousy towards one particular Ravenclaw, but he was surviving, until Saturday.
Meetings for potions project were resumed once they got Quidditch out of the way. Despite all the boring potion-makings and being struck in stuffy dungeons until well past lunchtime, Harry was quite content to be there, because he hadn't been alone with Draco for a long time, so this meeting was more than appreciated.
He was so absorbed in staring at Draco stir the cauldron with long delicate fingers, that he missed the question from the Slytherin. "Sorry, what?"
"I asked, 'why did you break up with Mandy?'" Draco asked again, slightly annoyed by the distracted Gryffindor.
Harry shrugged. "I don't think I like her as much as I thought I did." Although he had expected Draco to bring her up, he still didn't want to dwell, so he continued, "But I don't want to talk about it."
Draco raised an eyebrow at Harry's weird response, but he didn't comment. "Fine, if you don't want to talk about you, than we can talk about me." He put his hand on his chest for effect, emphasizing the importance of the matter.
Harry snorted at the childlike gesture, "And what, dear Draco, is so intriguing about you that we have to talk about?"
"I think…" Draco's tone suddenly became serious. He raised his head proudly, looked straight at Harry's eyes, and smiled that heart-stealing smile again. "I think I'm in love."
Harry froze. Even his breathing stopped.
"You don't have to look so shocked." Draco was suddenly reminded of a night not so long ago, and he snorted. "Don't worry, it's not with you."
Fucking rip my heart out, throw it on the floor, and stomp on it, why don't you? Although that was what Harry thought, he managed to pull an embarrassed smile at Draco's painful attempt at cracking a joke. "How did you know that you are…well, you know, in love with him? What makes you… so sure?" Harry stuttered with a lowered, shaky voice.
Draco eyed Harry concernedly, wondering why he suddenly sounded breathless, but he mistook his uneasiness as embarrassment. "That morning, in the infirmary." Draco cleared his throat, "That morning after the accident, when I woke up, I had this … this distinct feeling that somebody was there beside me the whole night, holding my hand." He looked down dreamily at his left hand in reminiscence, "And when I opened my eyes, he was… there, holding my hand, …and I just knew."
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!! was Harry's first coherent thought. It was ME, you stupid fuck!! me!! me!! me!! me!! ME!! NOT him! Not that boring creep! You fucking moronic bastard!
In a desperate attempt to calm himself, Harry rushed out of the classroom. If he didn't leave as soon as possible, he might just kill Draco with his bare hands right there, and then proceed to sexually assault the shit out of his corpse.
"Where are you going?" Draco jumped from his reverie at the door slamming open.
"Hungry! Food!" It was all Harry could blurt out in strangled voice.
He dashed through the halls with so much blind fury that he didn't even notice Ron and Hermione addressing him on his way towards the kitchen.
But, by the time he reached the portrait of the ticklish peach, his rage was beginning to subside, overtaken by a wave of misery. After all, it was his own fault that he left before Draco woke. If only he'd stayed longer… if only…
"Harry Potter, sir!" Dobby's surprised squeak squashed any thought about 'if only…' out of Harry's mind, and he concentrated on his task of retrieving food for him and Draco. He picked up two huge slices of vanilla cake, Draco's favorite, and two cups of hot cocoa, also Draco's favorite. But, just as he wanted to levitate their lunch back to the dungeons, he discovered that he had forgotten his wand in the rush. Ever the kind and eagerly helpful house-elf, Dobby offered to transport them for him, and practically begged Harry to await him back in the classroom.
When Harry was back, he noticed that Terry Boot had showed up. He 'hello'-ed Harry in his usual indifferent manner. A dull ache that Harry had grown used to in the past few days inflated ten-fold in his chest, making it impossible for him to say anything more than a polite 'hi' back.
"Oh, you're back," Draco scanned Harry's empty hands, "I thought you went to get food."
"Umm, I forgot my wand." As if that explained anything. But, his ineloquence was about as far way from his mind as possible right now.
"Oh, so no food?" Draco didn't wait for Harry's answer before continuing, "That's good, now Terry and I can go out for lunch." It seemed that the Head Boy had noticed Draco's absence from lunch, and came here to check on the blonde and take him out for food. "You don't mind, do you?"
Harry shook his head speechlessly.
"Thanks." Draco grinned, looping his arm around Terry's. "I'll bring you back something. What do you want?"
He shook his head again. Biting on his lower lip, Harry didn't dare speak.
The Slytherin shrugged, "Alright, suit yourself. Bye.", and left with Terry.
Not a second later, the ordered food appeared with a 'pop' on a nearby desk. Harry stared at it stiffly for a minute, before he snapped and sprinted forward, grabbing a piece of cake and cramming as much of it as possible into his mouth. His fingers digging into the cake, his mouth, his nose, and even his robes were smeared with cream and crumbs, but he didn't care. The sweet scent of vanilla filled his senses, and he devoured without chewing. He snatched one of the two cups of cocoa and poured it down his throat, flushing down the dry cake. The merciless burning of the hot liquid caused tears to well up in his eyes and cascade down his cheeks endlessly, blurring his vision and steaming his glasses.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
When Harry finally finished stuffing his emptiness with all that food, he was so full he couldn't even move. He spent the rest of the afternoon sitting in the Gryffindor common room, apologizing to his mistreated stomach, and begging it to settle down some time before Christmas. But his stomach had had enough of his crap and decided to take revenge. So, at dinner time that night, when the rest of the school was enjoying their meals in the Great Hall, Harry Potter was retching his in the Prefects' Bathroom.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Harry really didn't want to see Draco Malfoy anymore that night. He wanted nothing more than to slump himself into his bed and sleep through the rest of the century. But when the Slytherin passed him a note, asking him to meet in the dungeons that night after his patrolling, Harry couldn't refuse. He just couldn't say no to him.
Just as he was getting lost on his way to the designated meeting place, a hand from a dark corner grabbed him and dragged him inside a small broom closet. His attempt to scream was muffled by one, no, three hands trying to clap over his mouth at the same time, which only managed to crush his face, and skew his glasses.
A faint whispered 'lumos' was casted, and under the dim light, Harry could identified his attackers: Draco, Pansy, Vince, and Greg. Draco had both his hands smashed on Harry's face, while Vince had the third. From the position they were standing, Harry guessed that Vince was the one who snatched him, and Greg, holding his wand, whispered the lighting spell. Seeing Harry relaxed, they released him from their grasp.
"What the hell is going on?" Harry asked while adjusting his glasses.
"Shhh! Not so loud." Draco said quietly, then he smirked at Pansy, "This, Harry, is Draco Malfoy seeking vengeance!"
"What?" Harry mouthed, still confused. Then he saw Pansy's distressed face, and realization hit. Pansy must have lost a bet to Draco, and now he was revenging on her for bringing Harry to the Slytherin dorms last time! Harry snorted, eager to know what Pansy had to do, he asked, "What does she have to do?"
"Just wait." Draco answered mysteriously.
A few minutes passed, and they were still in the same position, but Harry was getting impatient. "C'mon, just tell me."
"No. Just wait, be patient." Draco whispered. Another moment of silence, then he suddenly spoke again, "By the way, you weren't at dinner, today."
"No, umm, I wasn't hungry." Understatement of the month.
"You weren't hungry? But you skipped lunch!"
"Yea,… no,… that's why I wasn't hungry." Harry frowned at himself. Hello, brain, where the fuck are you?
Draco opened his month to further question Harry, but was stopped by Greg, "Shh, I think they are coming."
Greg instantly 'nox'-ed his wand, and Draco pushed a reluctant Pansy out into the corridor.
Just around the corner, Blaise arrived running. He shot Harry an annoyed look before quickly squeezing himself inside the closet. Not long after the door was closed, another footstep could be heard approaching. All four boys held their breath, and jammed themselves against the door, peeking at the outside through a narrow slit.
Harry could see clearly Pansy fidgeting, and occasionally glancing at the door. The footsteps were getting nearer and nearer. A dark shadow appeared at the corner, and Pansy took a deep breath. Harry strained his neck towards the direction of the shadow. His eyes widened as he realized who just turned the corner and smirked at the Slytherin girl: Filch.
"Well, well, well, a student out of bed this time of night. And a prefect no less…" Filch hadn't even finished his sentence before the most grotesque, most revolting thing Harry had ever witnessed in his entire life happened.
Pansy jumped Filch! She grabbed the man, who was stunned by the gesture, and smacked her lips right on his. And, as if that wasn't disturbing enough, she was sticking her tongue down his throat! Filch's eyes were wide enough to pop out, and his body was positively shaking. With what, Harry couldn't possibly imagine. I'm scarred for life…
Just when Harry was about to retch for the second time that day, Vince swung open the door to the closet, and Draco hopped out with a camera in his hand, and snapped a shot.
And Pansy instantly pushed herself away from the poor caretaker, who, in his wildest dreams, had never thought he'd be sexually harassed by a student. He was still shaking violently.
All the Slytherins were laughing uncontrollably. Well, except Pansy, of course, who was too busy rubbing her mouth with the back of her hand.
And all of a sudden, a dry cough from end of the hall caught everyone's attention. Turning to face the intruder, Harry saw Professor Snape glaring at them, his dark eyes ablaze with anger, yet chilly as ice. They involuntarily shuddered.
A small 'uh oh' emitted from Draco.
"What Is Going On?" Snape's voice hung in the air, stopping everyone's breath, "And why, is Mr. Potter here?"
"Sev!" Draco attempted to lighten the mood by a cheery and familiar greeting.
"Shut up, Draco." Draco immediately froze. "Camera." Snape demanded, and Draco gingerly handed it to him. "Everyone go back to your dorms NOW! I'll deal with you in the morning." Snape's eyes scanned the guilty faces of his students. "Except, Miss Parkinson and Mr. Filch."
Everyone else scuttled off.
But before Harry could escape from the dungeons, he realized he had lost his prefect's badge. It must have fallen off when the Slytherins grabbed him. He turned back, half expecting Snape had gone already.
As he approached the broom closet once again, Harry heard some weird noises coming from within. He peeked in. He was traumatized, yet again, by what he saw.
Pansy was … was kissing Snape! Obviously voluntarily, since she had her hands tangled in his greasy hair, and Snape had his hands roaming somewhere near Pansy's arse.
A second retching session was inevitable, after all.
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A/N: Please don't kill me!! There'll be more reciprocation from Draco next chapter, I promise!! I won't let Harry suffer for too long.
Andrea: Thanks again. Don't worry, definitely happier next chapter.
Review, please!!