CHAPTER 12 : MOTHER'S THOUGHTS
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I make sure that Fox has everything he needs in the bathroom, check that he is okay (given the circumstances, I simply check that he is able to stand by his own) and head downstairs, where I am sure to find Dana at the exact same place I last saw her.
I wish I could ask her all the questions I want to concerning Fox's state, but since she entered the FBI, I learned that some things are better left unexplained. So I won't push her too far, knowing she will eventually tell me the bare necessities.
As I approach her and sit on a chair facing her, I realize that she still feels the need to be strong, and to put on her mask of invulnerability in front of me. In a way it saddens me, seeing that my daughter prefers to hide her feelings from me, instead of sharing them. But I can't blame her, for I would have reacted alike in order to protect the man I love. She probably thinks I don't know about them, but it is too obvious: the love that those two share is blinding.
"You're not helping him by playing his game, and pretending nothing happened. You have to be the one to tell him that it is okay to be hurt and scared."
"Mum, Mulder doesn't need me to tell him that... It's not as if he's never been hurt before, he knows how to deal with it."
"What about you, honey?"
"What do you mean?"
"Do *you* know how to deal with it? How to react when he closes himself like that? How to make him understand that it's not easier to run away from the reality but that in order to heal both physically and mentally he has to accept the facts?"
When I see her bury her face in her hands, I realize that maybe I have indeed pushed her too far. She is on the verge of tears, and I simply pull her closer, to show her that she is allowed to cry...that it is also part of the healing process.
"I'm so scared... What if he never tells me? What if he prefers to bury the last five days deep inside his soul, where no one can reach it? It would destroy everything we have."
"You're the one that knows Fox the best; you just have to show him all your love."
She lifts her head from my shoulder and stares at me quizzically. I simply smile, and she seems to relax, but I know that she still has things to add before I can speak again.
"He will have to talk to agents tomorrow, the way he managed to get free is still unexplained...though it's pretty obvious. I hope that discussing it will help him understand that he can't simply act as if nothing happened...but I also know that it will be terribly hurtful, it's much too soon for him to open his wounds again."
I try not to let her see my anxiety but ask her as seriously as possible to tell me what happened.
"Mum... I...don't *really* know. Mulder was kidnapped after having received threatening letters and then after five days of complete silence, he simply calls me and asks me to come get him. When I arrived, he was just...standing there, surrounded by agents and the local police with a dead body at his feet."
I gasp, even though I tried hard to restrain myself from showing any kind of reaction, knowing that she needed me to be the objective part in the story.
"Did he... (come on, get a grip) Is he the one who *killed* him?"
"I guess... The man was clearly one of his captors, but he didn't tell me anything, so I'm just assuming that it was him."
I have so much more to ask, and the most urgent thing was "why did they beat him?" But she couldn't tell me right know, that was something she couldn't *assume* before Fox talks to her.
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As I was wondering what questions I could ask without making her sad or uneasy, Fox entered the kitchen. He was so quiet that if he hadn't announced his presence, we wouldn't have realized that he was in the same room, well ... *I* wouldn't have realized, because Dana seems to be able to feel his presence every time he is close to her.
She tenses then turns her back toward him, her eyes still full of pain. But Fox seems to be in a better shape, even though it is clear that all his wounds hadn't healed in the shower like magic. He looks *human* again, his eyes are even shining a bit, but I know that their clearest colour won't show for some time. I miss their warm golden-green shade, but I'll have to settle for their gray right now.
Every time he blinks, I can see that his eyelids linger quite long before returning in their former place: he is tired, it is time to let him get some rest, and no more painful questions will be ask tonight.
By the look my daughter gives me, I understand that she wishes I would leave them alone. I comply, knowing that the two of them still have things to share, things where words are not necessary: every time I look into their eyes, I can see thousands of feelings floating in them, and they seem to be able to decipher one others look.
I tell Dana that Fox can sleep in Bill or Charlie's old bedroom and bid them both goodnight before going to my own room, where I know it will be more than difficult to fall back to sleep.
TO BE CONTINUED....
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I make sure that Fox has everything he needs in the bathroom, check that he is okay (given the circumstances, I simply check that he is able to stand by his own) and head downstairs, where I am sure to find Dana at the exact same place I last saw her.
I wish I could ask her all the questions I want to concerning Fox's state, but since she entered the FBI, I learned that some things are better left unexplained. So I won't push her too far, knowing she will eventually tell me the bare necessities.
As I approach her and sit on a chair facing her, I realize that she still feels the need to be strong, and to put on her mask of invulnerability in front of me. In a way it saddens me, seeing that my daughter prefers to hide her feelings from me, instead of sharing them. But I can't blame her, for I would have reacted alike in order to protect the man I love. She probably thinks I don't know about them, but it is too obvious: the love that those two share is blinding.
"You're not helping him by playing his game, and pretending nothing happened. You have to be the one to tell him that it is okay to be hurt and scared."
"Mum, Mulder doesn't need me to tell him that... It's not as if he's never been hurt before, he knows how to deal with it."
"What about you, honey?"
"What do you mean?"
"Do *you* know how to deal with it? How to react when he closes himself like that? How to make him understand that it's not easier to run away from the reality but that in order to heal both physically and mentally he has to accept the facts?"
When I see her bury her face in her hands, I realize that maybe I have indeed pushed her too far. She is on the verge of tears, and I simply pull her closer, to show her that she is allowed to cry...that it is also part of the healing process.
"I'm so scared... What if he never tells me? What if he prefers to bury the last five days deep inside his soul, where no one can reach it? It would destroy everything we have."
"You're the one that knows Fox the best; you just have to show him all your love."
She lifts her head from my shoulder and stares at me quizzically. I simply smile, and she seems to relax, but I know that she still has things to add before I can speak again.
"He will have to talk to agents tomorrow, the way he managed to get free is still unexplained...though it's pretty obvious. I hope that discussing it will help him understand that he can't simply act as if nothing happened...but I also know that it will be terribly hurtful, it's much too soon for him to open his wounds again."
I try not to let her see my anxiety but ask her as seriously as possible to tell me what happened.
"Mum... I...don't *really* know. Mulder was kidnapped after having received threatening letters and then after five days of complete silence, he simply calls me and asks me to come get him. When I arrived, he was just...standing there, surrounded by agents and the local police with a dead body at his feet."
I gasp, even though I tried hard to restrain myself from showing any kind of reaction, knowing that she needed me to be the objective part in the story.
"Did he... (come on, get a grip) Is he the one who *killed* him?"
"I guess... The man was clearly one of his captors, but he didn't tell me anything, so I'm just assuming that it was him."
I have so much more to ask, and the most urgent thing was "why did they beat him?" But she couldn't tell me right know, that was something she couldn't *assume* before Fox talks to her.
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As I was wondering what questions I could ask without making her sad or uneasy, Fox entered the kitchen. He was so quiet that if he hadn't announced his presence, we wouldn't have realized that he was in the same room, well ... *I* wouldn't have realized, because Dana seems to be able to feel his presence every time he is close to her.
She tenses then turns her back toward him, her eyes still full of pain. But Fox seems to be in a better shape, even though it is clear that all his wounds hadn't healed in the shower like magic. He looks *human* again, his eyes are even shining a bit, but I know that their clearest colour won't show for some time. I miss their warm golden-green shade, but I'll have to settle for their gray right now.
Every time he blinks, I can see that his eyelids linger quite long before returning in their former place: he is tired, it is time to let him get some rest, and no more painful questions will be ask tonight.
By the look my daughter gives me, I understand that she wishes I would leave them alone. I comply, knowing that the two of them still have things to share, things where words are not necessary: every time I look into their eyes, I can see thousands of feelings floating in them, and they seem to be able to decipher one others look.
I tell Dana that Fox can sleep in Bill or Charlie's old bedroom and bid them both goodnight before going to my own room, where I know it will be more than difficult to fall back to sleep.
TO BE CONTINUED....