Author's Note: A li'l fic concerning Rei and Usagi... with a dollop of angst and some pinches of fluff.
Warnings: Shoujo-ai. No likie, no readie. Simple as that.
Summary: A heart is so fragile, it can be torn apart be the one thing it represents. Love. This one thing will sometimes become its enemy and stab it so traitorously that soon the heart will bleed itself to death. This is exactly what fate has thrown upon a certain raven-haired Senshi. Songfic of t.A.t.U.'s song 'I've lost my mind.'-Russian version. (English version-'All the things she said.')
Bleeding Heart
The light is shutting down
I am flying
somewhere
Without you there is no me
I don't want a
thing
It is slow poison
It is making me
crazy
But they say it's my fault
My heart is bleeding, bleeding with so much raw emotion that I just want to scream. Or cry. I never expected such a simple crush to turn into the emotion I now feel, love. From the first time I saw you I knew you would only hurt me, break my guarded heart. And you did. You did, but oh you did so much more for me. You brought light into my soul.
One simple smile, one twinkling glance, you trapped me in your snares. And for the first time in my life... I wanted to stay; to stay in the embrace of love you unconsciously gave. It was poison, slow sweet poison. Everyday it increased until it broke into the walls of my soul and devoured it. I knew that I could never admit it to you, after all... our lovers are written in the stars and the gods made sure that we could not escape the cruel, twisted hands of fate.
It's making me crazy, all this love pounding inside of me. Burning every each of my heart. Bright colors swirl inside my head, until I just want to fly, to fly away somewhere. You make me feel this much alive. But it aches at the same time, knowing that you could never be mine. Knowing that without you there is no me. Gods, I'm hopeless.
I wonder what did I do for such a punishment. Why did I have to fall in love with you...Usagi? Why did I have to see the pure soul shining through you, illuminating your innocent beauty, both emotional and phyiscal. Why couldn't I have just seen the crybaby and clumsy leader instead of the strong, determined woman I see now?
They say it's my fault. Maybe it is.
Without you I am not
myself
Without you there is no me
But they say, they say
It is delirium
It is poison from the
sun
It's making me crazy
But they say it is all my
fault
I did try to forget
Now I lay beside you during an innocent sleep over. I hear every breath you sigh and every movement you make. Oh Usa, you don't know how you torture me. Salty tears run down my face and drip onto my pillow. I'm afraid you will wake and see my crying, but the pain is too much. My heart is bleeding, bleeding its self to death and I can only stand by and watch.
I hear you sigh and turn over, every fiber of my body wants to hold you in my arms and never let go. Never give you up. But your heart belongs to someone else, doesn't it? It is not my place to love you, it is forbidden. I am selfish to want to wretch you away from the heart you hold close to your own.
Blame it own the delirium... poison, slow poison. You're taking away my sanity.
You murmur in your sleep and now your face is visible from beneath the thick covers. You smile contently. I swear my heart stopped. Another stab, another wound. And you have no idea. You may sometimes think I hate you, with all the bickering we do. But that's far from it, very far. I do it to make you strong... to survive and not so slowly die like I am doing.
"Rei?"
Oh Kami. You woke and now you're staring at me with those deep blue orbs. Damn my rushing heart, damn it all.
Usagi looked at me puzzled. She still had the sleepy mist of night around her. Finally I managed to croak something out.
"Yes….Usa?" It was barely above a whisper.
Slowly, still gazing intently at me, she reaches one hand to my face and gently brushes away the tear stains. Shivers run up and down my body from her cool touch and a flush covers my cheeks.
Oh gods.
Why do I blush so easily in her presence?
Oh right, love.
I swallow and try to keep myself in check; she's so beautiful sitting there with the moon light swimming along with her cascading tresses of gold.
"Why are you crying?"
Worry and concern crosses her features and her voice was soft and gentle.A panic attack. suddenly overwhelms me. She couldn't know! It would upset the balance of time. But as the hime moves closer to me, waiting-- no-- imploring for an answer, I throw caution to the winds.
It all came at once; it was too powerful, the impulse. In a second of time, I swiftly lower my lips to hers and capture the soft petals. I feel her gasp then, to my amazement, Usagi begins to return my kiss. It was so much more than I had dreamed, her kiss was so pure, so sweet, that all the love I held inside came pouring out.
Then reality strikes me in the face.
No, this was wrong. She had Mamoru. Who was I to take that away?
Abruptly, I pull away and look down to the bed we were sitting on. Hot tears once again run down my face in unbecoming, runny dripples. I don't want to see the disgust cross her face and I thought at that very moment that I had messed up our entire friendship with that kiss.
After a few seconds, I feel her gently raise my chin up.
Here it is. The finale blow.
But I want to prolong the pain.
With tears still coursing down, I begin to apologize. "Usagi…I'm… sorry. I didn't…I mean…oh damn. I love you!"
It all came out in passioante rush. I did it. I said it.
We sit like that for a few minute. Neither talking nor moving. Finally I look up and what I see shocks me. Usagi sits there with tears streaming down her face, a soft grin gracing her lips.
"Wha…what?" I stutter
Usa giggles and wraps her arms around me. "I love you too, Rei-chan!"
I think I stopped breathing.
She... loves me?
The hime smiles up at my shocked face then plants a small kiss on my lips. I couldn't fit this all into my mind.
"But what about Mamoru and Crystal Tokyo and ….and Chibi-Usa!" I fumble around until one long finger is pressed softly to my lips.
"Rei, right now...let's not think about that. We will take as it comes," Usagi says gently, allowing hidden wisdom to peek through the layers of naïveté.
And so I smile. For the first time in a long time, my lips form a true smile. I chuckle and almost feel the need to take a gulp of air as light-headedness took over. Feel the euphoria of a drug-induced high. I was intoxicated with feverent emotions. Profusely drunk with joy and love.
"You sent me through hell and back," I tease and suddenly hug her fiercely, not wanting to ever let go.
Usagi winks playfully at me,"Was it worth it?"
"Very much."
As she giggles again, I cover her lips with mine.
I suppose this story did have a happy ending, depsite all the odds. Fate, however, may not give in so easily. The future of this new found relationship will be abundant with obstacles, but... I know that eventually our happy ending will be written in the stars. After all, love works in mysterious ways...
I thought my heart would bleed until it's death. Now I know better. Instead of more sorrow and pain... I recieved the love of my princess.
Love that I will fight the Fates to keep.
Fin...
Sidenote(s): Hmm... the ending may not have been very realistic, but... I couldn't help it. I'm a sucker for fluff. /smirks/