I Don't Know
by, Camilla Faye Montgomery
By Kate, just Kate.
Rating: PG, I guess.
Summary: Lots and lots of angsty thinking. Mac's thoughts on why they can't get it right. Please read and review. I love reviews.
Disclaimer: I don't own JAG. I just write stories about it.
Random Thoughts: Hey, that was a Voyager episode. Anyway... I am not at all anti-Mac, although it may seem so at certain points in this story. I just think that people tend to be hard on themselves, blame themselves for stuff and this is supposed to show her thoughts so... The inspiration for this story actually came from eBay (the story is not about eBay, don't worry). I hate eBay. I think the e stands for evil...The title's not terribly creative. Better than what I put up there before: Untitled JAG Fanfic: Mac's Thoughts... Thanks for reading and reviewing.
Okay, here it is:
Sometimes I think that we're not meant to be together. That someone, somewhere decided that we should never know happiness. Like there's some conspiracy among everyone and everything in the universe. A conspiracy to keep us apart. Every time it seems we have a chance, something happens to take it away from us. It's not always external. Often its me or him. Maybe we're a part of the conspiracy. Maybe, deep in my subconscious, I despise the thought of love, of joy. Maybe I'm one of those sad, disturbed people who can't allow themselves to be happy. Who sabotage every hope they have to live an ordinary life. No, an extraordinary life, that's what this would be. How many people are allowed or allow themselves to feel such a pure and beautiful and dreamlike love? Maybe that's it. I want to be ordinary, normal. This is some misguided attempt to fit in with the rest of the miserable world. After all, there it is, right in front of me. A chance for an eternity of sublime happiness, and I won't take it. What am I waiting for, for him to make the first move? Like that's going to happen. So he's a commitment-phobe, so what? Its up to me to show him that a life together, forever could be something wonderful, not something to be feared. Besides, if he just knew for sure how I feel, then maybe he wouldn't be scared at all. No, he probably would be. There has to be something, there always is. What's the point of trying, of even thinking about it? Why worry about this, when there can't be any solution? The universe is against us, and that's just the way it is. The way it has to be.
Its not my fault. It can't be. He's the one who wouldn't let it be. He's the one who refused me years ago. He doesn't love me. That's it. How could he love me and not let me know? For me to stand mute, loving him without telling him, that's right and acceptable. My silence is allowed, encouraged. I'm waiting for him, I can say. Waiting for him to grow, to change, to I don't know what. But I'm waiting. That's all right. I can wait. But him, what's his excuse? He sits in his office day after day just feet away from my office, where I sit, day after day. And he doesn't come to me, doesn't take the few short steps it takes to have me, his forever. I'd be his and he'd be mine, and we would belong to each other and everything would be right. If only he'd come. Then all would be good and beautiful. Or would it? I've forgotten about the ever present curse that sabotages any opportunity we have to get it right. The universe won't let us be together, because that would mean happiness, joy as we have never known, and that's not allowed.
I'm a lawyer. A good one. If only I could use my skill to to argue our case. We deserve this love, I'd say. We've earned it with years of virtue and service and selflessness. Is it wrong, I would ask, letting a hint of emotion into my voice, for us to want something now? We haven't asked for much, and what we ask for now won't hurt anyone, won't take anything away from anyone. All we ask is each other, and that is something each of us is willing to give.
But you can't argue with the universe. Can't change its mind. Does the universe have a mind? It must, for it to be so vindictive, so irrational. Can one be irrational without the capacity for rationality? We're not meant to be together, to live the extraordinary life I used to imagine for us. A couple of kids, nameless ideas without personalities, existing in my dreams only to give us the incredible and wondrous happiness of knowing that we had created something perfect together. Him, cooking us dinner, kissing me on the cheek. Telling me he loves me and will always love me. Me, telling him the same. And the most incredible, amazing thing. Both of us, keeping our promise. Happy forever, because we truly love each other forever. But its not to be, it can't be. Its seems impossible that two people could ever be so happy. Well, there's a reason. Real people don't get that kind of happiness. It only happens in books, sometimes on TV. Not to me, to us. The world is frightening and dark and wrong without him, and I fear that it will always be so. How could it be different?
Maybe I'm wrong. Wouldn't that be lovely? Maybe he'll burst through my office door right now and tell me he loves me and he can't live without me any longer and ask me to run away with him and marry him and be his forever. Well, maybe now. Or the next second, or the next. Could happen any time now. Its possible he's walking over here at this very second and now, no, now the doorknob will turn and the door will open and he'll be here and say all those things I dreamt he'd say. Oh why doesn't he come? Perhaps he's sitting in his office at this moment thinking the very same thing. Thinking, oh, if only she'd come through that door right now and... Why don't I? Oh, I don't know. I've done that already, gone through the door. And on the other side was rejection. He didn't want me, or he wasn't ready for me, or something. I don't know. Should I have waited for him? Maybe. I certainly shouldn't have gotten engaged to another man. That wasn't fair to either of them, or to me.
I've already been the one to make the first move. And now I want him to do it. To come to me, to risk the kind of hurt he gave to me. Because if he takes that risk, then I'll know he really loves me. Is that terrible? If I love him, shouldn't I want to shield him from that risk, Instead of making him prove himself to me? I always want him to prove himself. What would you do, what would you give up, to have me? Like I'm some kind of prize, to be won by the biggest show of affection, the most bravery, the greatest risk. Am I that vain, that material? Do I really see myself that way? Do I have that little faith in the depth and honesty of his feelings? Why am I like this?
It can't be my fault, it can't. He's the one who won't come to me, won't even take me when I offer myself to him. But why should he? Why should he pursue me when I'll fall in love with anyone who shows a bit of love or affection for me? I'll accept an engagement ring from someone I don't really know, don't even like, just because he says he loves me. I'll kiss a man for whom I've never felt anything more than annoyance, just because he says he loves me. It doesn't mean anything, my so called love, it never has. So if I'll fall into the arms of anyone who offers to catch me, why should he try? Why should it be any different with him? How is he to know that my love for him isn't the shallow excuse for an emotion that it is for everyone else? That I love him more than I love my life, or anything. That if he came to me, I would be his forever, and he would be mine. More than that, we would be one person, one soul built from two, welded together by the love we share.
So why don't I tell him that? Oh, I don't know.
Quote, because I feel like it: People do fall in love. People do belong to each other. Because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness.
(Breakfast at Tiffany's)
Finished: July 22, 2003 12:01a.m. Editing, anyway. I'm going to post this tonight, just as soon as the phone line is free. Oh, I just checked and it is now. So I'll post now. Who am I talking to?