FADE IN
"Hold that. . .okay. . .and it's a wrap!"
"My god, I thought this one would never end!" Merry, covered in some kind of viscous yellow goo, gestures rudely in the direction of a pair of large cameras, and rolls his eyes at Pippin, who is also liberally smothered.
Pippin says nothing, pulls a small cellular phone from his hip pocket, and stabs out a number, which isn't easy considering both he and Merry are suspended by their ankles from a large anthropomorphic Ent.
A muffled voice issues from the tiny phone, and at once Pippin barks into it.
"Charna? Pip here, where's Dale? I told him I wasn't doing this messy stuff anymore. What's he playing at? Get him on here pronto--what? No, I don't care if he's with another client. I pay his wages."
There is a brief silence and then the voice again. Pippin's neck reddens.
"Oh, he said that did he? Well, you tell him I want a call back within the hour or I'll be reviewing my contract--understand!?"
He shoves the phone back into his pocket and bawls to the outmoded film crew standing by.
"Will somebody get me down from here, or are you all just going to stand there gaping like stunned guppies?!"
FADE OUT
Still shots of the Fellowship and select others play continuously across the screen.
MALE VOICEOVER:
The Fellowship of the Ring, nine companions chosen to complete the ultimate quest; to destroy the one ring of power. Every year, millions of fans across the country--the world for that matter, swarm to the nearest multiplex to catch what J.R.R. Tolkien has in store for everyone's favorite on-screen team. But what of the real Fellowship? The faces the fans don't see? Here we take a peek behind the cameras into the shrouded world of the people who make the Lord of the Rings trilogy the popular phenomena that it is, and discover their true feelings, finding out just how they interact when the camera's not rolling. . .
FADE IN
"Okay Bill, concentrate now, tell me which card the lady is holding up."
Sam and Bill sit facing each other across a small dinette, there are playing cards scattered about and a cup of coffee going cold. Sam scratches his head and pulls his mouth into a fixed wedge, trying to put words to Bill's vision.
"Brate ov krubs." His face creases worriedly. "My agent thought this would be a cinch. He wanted us to be more cerebral, intelligent, get away from our insular label. . ."
"And what do you think your chances are of pulling that off then, Samwise? Thin as in wafer?"
Laughter precedes, and the actor we know as Elrond appears at the door of Sam's large trailer, wearing nothing but a pair of 501's and dog-tags; his black hair is parted dead center. Seeing the camera on him he grins and reverts to the authoritative tone we all know and love.
"Samwise is hoping to go on tour with Bill this summer break. They're doing a ventriloquist and magic act but-" his voice deepens back into his own natural tone and he ends in a shout.
"Boy, do they suck!"
FADE OUT
FADE IN
Elrond and Sam are sitting outside with tall glasses of lemonade. Elrond self-consciously touches his slicked back hair.
"Yeah, most people are surprised to find out its a wig."
FADE OUT
FADE IN
"Does any of what I'm saying mean anything to you?"
Pippin is on the phone again with his agent Dale, who failed to return his call. He paces up and down waving his arms, and pausing at intervals to scowl at the camera.
Merry is sitting in the background eating from a large bag of corn chips, and grinning broadly. Every time Pippin walks past, Merry throws a chip at him, only adding to Pippin's annoyance.
Pippin shoots Merry a narrow glance and shouts into the phone before throwing it out of the trailer window. Merry flicks another chip.
Pippin goes wild, and swearing angrily he dives across the room grabbing for Merry's throat. Wrangling, they disappear off camera as the couch tips over.
A glass breaks and somewhere outside a dog begins to bark.
FADE OUT
FADE IN
Arwen, Eowyn, and Galadriel sit around in the make-up trailer. Arwen is putting on lipstick whilst Eowyn arranges Galadriel's freshly plaited hair.
Arwen is dressed in a smart suit with matching gloves and pearl earrings. Seeing the camera rolling Arwen looks down at herself at blushes.
"Ah, comes as a shock to you all that I'm not always such a low life, huh? Actually, I have some work to do this afternoon. I'm doing an after dinner speech for my favorite charity, and then I'm opening a new deli counter at the old supermarket around the corner. Oh, and then its signing copies of my new book of satirical essays."
FADE OUT
FADE IN
Eowyn smiles affectionately at Galadriel.
"You know this Gal here, has been my best friend since the fourth grade? We've been through a hell of a lot together, huh, chickie?"
She ruffles Galadriel's hair, "You know she cheers me up when I'm feeling blue, she nurses me when I'm sick--this woman is solid gold! I never wanted to go to stage school but she dragged me there kicking and screaming, and look where it's taken me. She deserves respect and to anyone out there who thinks she's anything like the character she plays--HAH! I've news for you!"
Galadriel slaps playfully at Eowyn, and gets up from the couch trying to get off camera, but it pans to follow her around, along with Eowyn's voice.
"Ask any of the guys on the crew here and they'll tell you the same thing; who's the sweetest kid around here? Our Gal. She's always got a smile and a kind word for you. . .and her cherry pie is to die for."
Galadriel bursts into hysterical tears and locks herself in the bathroom.
"Stop it. Go away." her voice is muffled through the woodwork.
The camera tracks back to Eowyn, she shrugs and smiles "She can't stand this you know. She hates praise; it embarrasses the hell out of her. I told her I was going to tell the world what a sweetie she is. She begged me not to, but I owe her everything. Get out of there, kid, and take a bow!"
The camera fixes on the bathroom door but nothing happens.
FADE OUT
FADE IN
Frodo crosses the threshold, wearing a black muscle T-shirt. He stretches luxuriously, and lowers himself into an overstuffed armchair. His fingers go up to his mouth, delicately probing. There is a sharp, but muted snap, and his fingers withdraw, clutching a small curved piece of plastic.
"Ah. . .much better,"
He looks full at the camera, and slowly smiles, his mouth curving up to reveal no gap between his teeth.
"Another myth exploded, huh?" His hands move up again, twirling a lock of dark hair as he grins mischievously.
FADE OUT
FADE IN
Pippin sits at a lunch counter with Sam, picking at a green salad, he is obviously still fuming, but trying his hardest to cool out a bit.
"So you think it`s a go-er then?"
Sam shovels in another mouthful of hash browns, "I think we can work something out. I mean, I can play bass at a pinch, so that leaves you free for lead guitar. Then if we can get Leggy up here for vocals all we need is to find a drummer. . ." he tails off realizing the camera is still on him.
Pippin explains, "Sam and I are trying to figure how to spend our summer, you know we get a break between filming. Now his agent has some half-baked idea about a comedy/magic act when we both know he'll just dry up on stage. And my agent. . ."
He pauses to brandish the cellular phone in the camera, "Wants me to try for some kids show compeer thing. You gunk the kids and the kids gunk you. I told him I'm not doing anymore of that mucky stuff. Its playing havoc with my sinuses, and quite honestly I'd rather spend my break doing something I like with people I like, as opposed to wearing a nailed-on smile and dousing myself in food by-products for the edification of some moron in a suit. What's he going to pull me up for next for god sake, Blues Clues?"
The phone in Pippin's pocket suddenly goes off with the theme tune from 'Dr. Zhivago', Pippin snarls something incoherent, and tears it out.
FADE OUT
FADE IN
Pippin's agent, Dale Greasely, sits behind a large desk. Upon which is a small polished plaque bearing his name. Behind him on the wall are thumb tacked, several dog-eared photographs of such stars as Ronald Weasley, Prince Humperdink, Trinity, Mariah Carey, and Bill.
Greasely turns a small black and white photo of Pippin over and over in his pudgy fingers.
"Ah yes, he's one of my brightest young hopefuls. Not half as dim as he comes over on that film, oh no. Knows where he's going does, Pip. Although sometimes that's not such a good thing. Too impatient by far, and downright insolent when he thinks he's not getting his own way. Apparently he'd had a string of agents before I agreed to take him under my wing. Nothing I can't handle. I don't take any rubbish from him, and if he knows which side his bread is buttered, he'd better start giving me the respect I deserve. Thinks he knows it all, and he might one day, but for now he's just a kid with a mouth that he likes to shoot off. Who's not half as famous or talented as he thinks he is. Luckily for Pip, he's got me think for him, so he doesn't have to try. "
FADE OUT
FADE IN
Pippin watches Greasely's smug closing statement, and heads meaningfully for the trailer door.
FADE OUT
FADE IN
Greasely sits as before, the photo of Pippin is nowhere to be seen, and the one of Bill has been moved to a more prominent position. Greasely fiddles with a paperclip.
"Yes. . .he did fire me. No, I'm not at liberty to discuss this further, you understand. What with lawyers and all that."
FADE OUT
FADE IN
Gollum and Aragorn lean over a fence grooming a few select stallions. Legolas sits on the fence with Sam holding his hand, his other arm is around his shoulders.
"I guess this must look pretty funny," Sam giggles, "But actually Leggy and I have been dating since the first movie wrapped," he kisses Legolas lightly on the chin, "I think I must have fallen for the big powerful man image. What do you think?"
"Oh, I think it's definitely the big old he-man scenario, myself." Gollum interjects, his voice is rich and mellifluous compared to his character's usual lilt.
"And of course many fans of the books--as well as the films, will only see you as Frodo's grabby and overly-familiar young gardener, not realizing of course that you are actually older than Frodo by six months."
Sam smiles as Legolas hugs him. "Good things come in small packages, baby." He drawls.
"Do I have any secrets?" Aragorn turns around and faces the camera, "Well. . .just one. I'm a complete, and utter slob. Really I am. A total couch potato. When I get home at night I let the cat in, change into my old unraveling sweater and spend the evening lying on the couch watching college football. You wouldn't get me near those exercise tapes, the most exercise I ever get is walking to the icebox for more Drumstix!"
"I can vouch for that!" chimes in Gollum.
"Thanks, I love you too Golly" Aragorn pokes Gollum in the ribs, "But couch potato, though I may be, at least rabbits don't give me the heebeegeebies."
Gollum throws his hands up laughing, "Okay, okay, I give!"
Aragorn, "Well, okay I know you're over it now, but you remember how they used to freak you out? That scene where Sam's cooking breakfast for Frodo, and you bring in the two dead rabbits--WOOT! I thought you were going to pass out! How many times did they make you re-shoot that scene until you stopped shaking?"
"I think it was something like eighteen?" Gollum scratches his head and grins sheepishly at the camera.
FADE OUT
FADE IN
Frodo leans back against the wall, trying for a sultry. "I wish the ring had never come to me. . ."
He breathes, "I wish none of this had happened. You know, I actually get girls coming up to me in the street and begging me to say that to them. That and. . .I'm glad you're with me."
He smiles and widens his eyes, shooting for an innocent air this time, "Get off the road--quick!"
Frodo breaks off into a fit of giggles.
"Hey, Merry, do your stuff."
Merry shoves his face into the camera. "I think I've broken something. . ."
They look across to where Pippin is loafing, chewing on an apple.
"Come on Pip, hit us with your catchphrase--ah, too bad you haven't got one unless it's. . ."
Merry pitches his voice up an octave searching for Pippin's tone. "MUSHROOMS!"
"That's not his catch phrase," screams Boromir, as he runs past.
"That's his mantra!"
FADE OUT
FADE IN
"And you know where most of Gollum's sayings come from?" Sam pushes his way to the fore.
"The old guy who used to deliver the groceries to the set on a Friday afternoon. Couldn't figure out what he was on about half the time, but when he did say something, it was profound--in a awkward sort of way. Isn't that so, Golly?"
Gollum nodded.
"So, " Gimli continues, "One day we're all there and the camera's are rolling and Gollum has to do this scene where he's fishing in this lake, he's beating this fish into a bloody pulp, and he forgets his lines. He's just standing there, looking absolutely dumb-struck, and then suddenly, he comes out with this really weirdo saying--man, I just corpsed, you know? Turns out it was something this old guy used to say and the stress of mumbling his lines must have brought it back to the surface. Well, it was an instant hit with PJ, and it kind of snowballed from there. We use the old guy's lines all the time now and there's even a sort of suggestion box up in the main canteen, so if we come up with a new one it gets put on the list and you can win a nice bonus."
FADE OUT
FADE IN
Pippin, Frodo, and Merry sit on a trio of directors-style chairs, and Gandalf hangs about in the background, having a smoke.
Merry is seated in the middle, he is wearing dark glasses and denim bib and brace outfit, with Cuban heels. Pippin is seated to his right dressed in shorts, Nikes, and a running top. To his left Frodo lounges in his black shirt, and leather trousers drinking a mug of coffee.
"What are we really like?" Merry muses, "Okay, our Frodo here, he plays this really naïve young hobbit, you know he's always got his nose buried in a book, head is always in the clouds, dreaming of life outside the Shire-- HAH, couldn't be further from the truth!"
He jerks his thumb towards Frodo, "Frodo here is the biggest sugar freak you've ever met--six lumps in his tea, nine in coffee. And if that coffee's not so strong that he can't just go ahead and carve off a slice, then-- WOOT! Does he ever throw a tantrum. He's got a hell of a temper!"
Gandalf interjects, lighting another cigarette.
"Well, actually, Merry, that's not entirely correct. You're making him out to be some kind of nut, when he's not. Yes, Frodo likes his sugar and caffeine, but lets be reasonable. It's you who gets the hissy fits when it doesn't go your way. Frodo, here is normally the coolest head around here. In fact I'd go so far to say he's so laid back, he is practically horizontal! And as we all know, the girls are crazy for our dear Frodo. Absolutely besotted!"
"Aw, come on guys. . ." Frodo pleads but to his dismay his partners drag over a large gunny sack filled with envelopes. As the camera pans around the room it picks out walls smothered in photographs, drawings, bunches of flowers, and handwritten declarations of love. The predominant color is red; the predominant shape is that of a heart.
Frodo blushes a deep crimson, as first Pippin then Merry take turns to pick from the sack and read aloud, clearly relishing his embarrassment.
FADE OUT
FADE IN
"Is Merry really a closet megalomaniac?"
Frodo raises his dark eyebrows, stages a theatrical glance over his left shoulder to make sure he's alone, then hunches down close to the camera.
"I'd have to run with that one. Although, maybe a little less emphasis on the closet bit. . ."
FADE OUT
FADE IN
Pippin is on the phone again, he wears a haunted expression.
"You think he'll take me on? Oh. . .okay I see, yeah. . .I understand. How much of a percentage? Uh, I think I'll call you back."
He glances up and all expression fades from his face, swallowing his pride he slowly taps out a number on the phone.
"Charna? I need you to do me a favor. . .a big favor--oh and what's Dale's. . .uh, Mr. Greasely's favorite drink?"
FADE OUT
FADE IN
Frodo and Merry watch from afar as Pippin paces around talking into his cell phone.
Merry shrugs, "He's a funny sort, you think he'd be all soft and cuddly, but in reality he's a bit of a cold fish. Kind of the opposite to you Frodo. Maybe in the next film we'll get you to play Pip and he can play Frodo, what do you think? "
He looks full face at the camera, "Believe it people, 'lil Pip is one shrewd businessman, Mr. Sushi--get it?! Sushi--cold fish!" He pauses. "Me; I'm as you see me, no catches, what you see is what you get, no bones about it. You want ice, you go to Pip. You want fire--I'm you're man. Ah, what am I saying this for? He's my best buddy."
He yells out to Pippin's distant figure.
"Pip, you're my best buddy!" Then aside to Frodo. "You too, of course. . ."
FADE OUT
FADE IN
Frodo grabs Merry and puts him in a headlock.
"You got the 'cold fish Sushi' thing from the Bladerunner movie, Merry--and that's the third time you've used it this week. Now. . ." Frodo gently pries the shades off of Merry's face.
"Why don't you tell all the folks out there in T.V. land, just how you came by that lovely black eye?"
Merry's left eye is a delicate shade of purple and the bruise marks above his eyebrow are shaped remarkably like a person's knuckles.
He chuckles nervously, "Okay, I went too far. . .so what else is new?"
FADE OUT
FADE IN
The camera pans around the side of the make-up trailer, somebody giggles. It comes to a small, secluded area, pans left a little and there's the sound of frantic kissing. A final slip to the left and Frodo is revealed, locked in a passionate embrace with Sam.
Sensing the camera he whips around so that his body blocks Sam from view and tries to cover the lens with his right palm. There's a lot of joggling before the screen goes black, and Sam can be heard wailing:
"We're just good friends!"
FADE OUT
FADE IN
The credits roll across a still shot of Bill which is interspersed with short cut scenes of the documentary.
GOLLUM: Opens an oddly shaped package, only to reveal a rabbit skin loin cloth--shouts of laughter are heard from behind camera.
ELROND: Combs gel through his well-slicked hair. Self-absorbed, he licks the comb, and then runs, gagging, to the bathroom.
ARWEN: Is seen cutting the ribbon at the opening of the new store. She is wearing a large purple chicken costume.
FRODO: Is sorting though a wide array of fan mail. He comes across a letter that is signed by none other than Sam Gamgee.
EOWYN: Is seen marking a graduate's paper on cold fusion. Chopin plays in the background.
PIPPIN: Screams obscenities into his cell phone, finishing off with a "Double pepperoni this time!"
GALADRIEL: Is still locked in the bathroom.
SAM: Is stuffing something into an envelope. Seeing the camera, he whirls around, guiltily. Red crepe hearts with 'Frodo' written on them flutter slowly to the floor.
LEGOLAS: Walks away across the Rivendel set. There is a sign taped to his back. It reads: 'KICK ME--YES, PRECIOUS!'
MERRY: Gets up from a sun bed, clutching a towel to his stomach. Little realizing there's a mirror behind him, displaying his ass to the world.
ARAGORN: Fits Frodo's gap-creating device into his mouth. He grins into the camera. There is a loud 'TWANG' and he runs off screaming.
GIMLI AND BOROMIR: Hang awkwardly in the background as Aragorn runs passed shouting something along the lines of "MEDIC! ASSISTANCE, PLEASE!"
GANDALF: Is lying on his stomach being massaged by Baywatch beauty look- alikes. He gives the camera a long lazy smile, and a wink.
FADE OUT
"Hold that. . .okay. . .and it's a wrap!"
"My god, I thought this one would never end!" Merry, covered in some kind of viscous yellow goo, gestures rudely in the direction of a pair of large cameras, and rolls his eyes at Pippin, who is also liberally smothered.
Pippin says nothing, pulls a small cellular phone from his hip pocket, and stabs out a number, which isn't easy considering both he and Merry are suspended by their ankles from a large anthropomorphic Ent.
A muffled voice issues from the tiny phone, and at once Pippin barks into it.
"Charna? Pip here, where's Dale? I told him I wasn't doing this messy stuff anymore. What's he playing at? Get him on here pronto--what? No, I don't care if he's with another client. I pay his wages."
There is a brief silence and then the voice again. Pippin's neck reddens.
"Oh, he said that did he? Well, you tell him I want a call back within the hour or I'll be reviewing my contract--understand!?"
He shoves the phone back into his pocket and bawls to the outmoded film crew standing by.
"Will somebody get me down from here, or are you all just going to stand there gaping like stunned guppies?!"
FADE OUT
Still shots of the Fellowship and select others play continuously across the screen.
MALE VOICEOVER:
The Fellowship of the Ring, nine companions chosen to complete the ultimate quest; to destroy the one ring of power. Every year, millions of fans across the country--the world for that matter, swarm to the nearest multiplex to catch what J.R.R. Tolkien has in store for everyone's favorite on-screen team. But what of the real Fellowship? The faces the fans don't see? Here we take a peek behind the cameras into the shrouded world of the people who make the Lord of the Rings trilogy the popular phenomena that it is, and discover their true feelings, finding out just how they interact when the camera's not rolling. . .
FADE IN
"Okay Bill, concentrate now, tell me which card the lady is holding up."
Sam and Bill sit facing each other across a small dinette, there are playing cards scattered about and a cup of coffee going cold. Sam scratches his head and pulls his mouth into a fixed wedge, trying to put words to Bill's vision.
"Brate ov krubs." His face creases worriedly. "My agent thought this would be a cinch. He wanted us to be more cerebral, intelligent, get away from our insular label. . ."
"And what do you think your chances are of pulling that off then, Samwise? Thin as in wafer?"
Laughter precedes, and the actor we know as Elrond appears at the door of Sam's large trailer, wearing nothing but a pair of 501's and dog-tags; his black hair is parted dead center. Seeing the camera on him he grins and reverts to the authoritative tone we all know and love.
"Samwise is hoping to go on tour with Bill this summer break. They're doing a ventriloquist and magic act but-" his voice deepens back into his own natural tone and he ends in a shout.
"Boy, do they suck!"
FADE OUT
FADE IN
Elrond and Sam are sitting outside with tall glasses of lemonade. Elrond self-consciously touches his slicked back hair.
"Yeah, most people are surprised to find out its a wig."
FADE OUT
FADE IN
"Does any of what I'm saying mean anything to you?"
Pippin is on the phone again with his agent Dale, who failed to return his call. He paces up and down waving his arms, and pausing at intervals to scowl at the camera.
Merry is sitting in the background eating from a large bag of corn chips, and grinning broadly. Every time Pippin walks past, Merry throws a chip at him, only adding to Pippin's annoyance.
Pippin shoots Merry a narrow glance and shouts into the phone before throwing it out of the trailer window. Merry flicks another chip.
Pippin goes wild, and swearing angrily he dives across the room grabbing for Merry's throat. Wrangling, they disappear off camera as the couch tips over.
A glass breaks and somewhere outside a dog begins to bark.
FADE OUT
FADE IN
Arwen, Eowyn, and Galadriel sit around in the make-up trailer. Arwen is putting on lipstick whilst Eowyn arranges Galadriel's freshly plaited hair.
Arwen is dressed in a smart suit with matching gloves and pearl earrings. Seeing the camera rolling Arwen looks down at herself at blushes.
"Ah, comes as a shock to you all that I'm not always such a low life, huh? Actually, I have some work to do this afternoon. I'm doing an after dinner speech for my favorite charity, and then I'm opening a new deli counter at the old supermarket around the corner. Oh, and then its signing copies of my new book of satirical essays."
FADE OUT
FADE IN
Eowyn smiles affectionately at Galadriel.
"You know this Gal here, has been my best friend since the fourth grade? We've been through a hell of a lot together, huh, chickie?"
She ruffles Galadriel's hair, "You know she cheers me up when I'm feeling blue, she nurses me when I'm sick--this woman is solid gold! I never wanted to go to stage school but she dragged me there kicking and screaming, and look where it's taken me. She deserves respect and to anyone out there who thinks she's anything like the character she plays--HAH! I've news for you!"
Galadriel slaps playfully at Eowyn, and gets up from the couch trying to get off camera, but it pans to follow her around, along with Eowyn's voice.
"Ask any of the guys on the crew here and they'll tell you the same thing; who's the sweetest kid around here? Our Gal. She's always got a smile and a kind word for you. . .and her cherry pie is to die for."
Galadriel bursts into hysterical tears and locks herself in the bathroom.
"Stop it. Go away." her voice is muffled through the woodwork.
The camera tracks back to Eowyn, she shrugs and smiles "She can't stand this you know. She hates praise; it embarrasses the hell out of her. I told her I was going to tell the world what a sweetie she is. She begged me not to, but I owe her everything. Get out of there, kid, and take a bow!"
The camera fixes on the bathroom door but nothing happens.
FADE OUT
FADE IN
Frodo crosses the threshold, wearing a black muscle T-shirt. He stretches luxuriously, and lowers himself into an overstuffed armchair. His fingers go up to his mouth, delicately probing. There is a sharp, but muted snap, and his fingers withdraw, clutching a small curved piece of plastic.
"Ah. . .much better,"
He looks full at the camera, and slowly smiles, his mouth curving up to reveal no gap between his teeth.
"Another myth exploded, huh?" His hands move up again, twirling a lock of dark hair as he grins mischievously.
FADE OUT
FADE IN
Pippin sits at a lunch counter with Sam, picking at a green salad, he is obviously still fuming, but trying his hardest to cool out a bit.
"So you think it`s a go-er then?"
Sam shovels in another mouthful of hash browns, "I think we can work something out. I mean, I can play bass at a pinch, so that leaves you free for lead guitar. Then if we can get Leggy up here for vocals all we need is to find a drummer. . ." he tails off realizing the camera is still on him.
Pippin explains, "Sam and I are trying to figure how to spend our summer, you know we get a break between filming. Now his agent has some half-baked idea about a comedy/magic act when we both know he'll just dry up on stage. And my agent. . ."
He pauses to brandish the cellular phone in the camera, "Wants me to try for some kids show compeer thing. You gunk the kids and the kids gunk you. I told him I'm not doing anymore of that mucky stuff. Its playing havoc with my sinuses, and quite honestly I'd rather spend my break doing something I like with people I like, as opposed to wearing a nailed-on smile and dousing myself in food by-products for the edification of some moron in a suit. What's he going to pull me up for next for god sake, Blues Clues?"
The phone in Pippin's pocket suddenly goes off with the theme tune from 'Dr. Zhivago', Pippin snarls something incoherent, and tears it out.
FADE OUT
FADE IN
Pippin's agent, Dale Greasely, sits behind a large desk. Upon which is a small polished plaque bearing his name. Behind him on the wall are thumb tacked, several dog-eared photographs of such stars as Ronald Weasley, Prince Humperdink, Trinity, Mariah Carey, and Bill.
Greasely turns a small black and white photo of Pippin over and over in his pudgy fingers.
"Ah yes, he's one of my brightest young hopefuls. Not half as dim as he comes over on that film, oh no. Knows where he's going does, Pip. Although sometimes that's not such a good thing. Too impatient by far, and downright insolent when he thinks he's not getting his own way. Apparently he'd had a string of agents before I agreed to take him under my wing. Nothing I can't handle. I don't take any rubbish from him, and if he knows which side his bread is buttered, he'd better start giving me the respect I deserve. Thinks he knows it all, and he might one day, but for now he's just a kid with a mouth that he likes to shoot off. Who's not half as famous or talented as he thinks he is. Luckily for Pip, he's got me think for him, so he doesn't have to try. "
FADE OUT
FADE IN
Pippin watches Greasely's smug closing statement, and heads meaningfully for the trailer door.
FADE OUT
FADE IN
Greasely sits as before, the photo of Pippin is nowhere to be seen, and the one of Bill has been moved to a more prominent position. Greasely fiddles with a paperclip.
"Yes. . .he did fire me. No, I'm not at liberty to discuss this further, you understand. What with lawyers and all that."
FADE OUT
FADE IN
Gollum and Aragorn lean over a fence grooming a few select stallions. Legolas sits on the fence with Sam holding his hand, his other arm is around his shoulders.
"I guess this must look pretty funny," Sam giggles, "But actually Leggy and I have been dating since the first movie wrapped," he kisses Legolas lightly on the chin, "I think I must have fallen for the big powerful man image. What do you think?"
"Oh, I think it's definitely the big old he-man scenario, myself." Gollum interjects, his voice is rich and mellifluous compared to his character's usual lilt.
"And of course many fans of the books--as well as the films, will only see you as Frodo's grabby and overly-familiar young gardener, not realizing of course that you are actually older than Frodo by six months."
Sam smiles as Legolas hugs him. "Good things come in small packages, baby." He drawls.
"Do I have any secrets?" Aragorn turns around and faces the camera, "Well. . .just one. I'm a complete, and utter slob. Really I am. A total couch potato. When I get home at night I let the cat in, change into my old unraveling sweater and spend the evening lying on the couch watching college football. You wouldn't get me near those exercise tapes, the most exercise I ever get is walking to the icebox for more Drumstix!"
"I can vouch for that!" chimes in Gollum.
"Thanks, I love you too Golly" Aragorn pokes Gollum in the ribs, "But couch potato, though I may be, at least rabbits don't give me the heebeegeebies."
Gollum throws his hands up laughing, "Okay, okay, I give!"
Aragorn, "Well, okay I know you're over it now, but you remember how they used to freak you out? That scene where Sam's cooking breakfast for Frodo, and you bring in the two dead rabbits--WOOT! I thought you were going to pass out! How many times did they make you re-shoot that scene until you stopped shaking?"
"I think it was something like eighteen?" Gollum scratches his head and grins sheepishly at the camera.
FADE OUT
FADE IN
Frodo leans back against the wall, trying for a sultry. "I wish the ring had never come to me. . ."
He breathes, "I wish none of this had happened. You know, I actually get girls coming up to me in the street and begging me to say that to them. That and. . .I'm glad you're with me."
He smiles and widens his eyes, shooting for an innocent air this time, "Get off the road--quick!"
Frodo breaks off into a fit of giggles.
"Hey, Merry, do your stuff."
Merry shoves his face into the camera. "I think I've broken something. . ."
They look across to where Pippin is loafing, chewing on an apple.
"Come on Pip, hit us with your catchphrase--ah, too bad you haven't got one unless it's. . ."
Merry pitches his voice up an octave searching for Pippin's tone. "MUSHROOMS!"
"That's not his catch phrase," screams Boromir, as he runs past.
"That's his mantra!"
FADE OUT
FADE IN
"And you know where most of Gollum's sayings come from?" Sam pushes his way to the fore.
"The old guy who used to deliver the groceries to the set on a Friday afternoon. Couldn't figure out what he was on about half the time, but when he did say something, it was profound--in a awkward sort of way. Isn't that so, Golly?"
Gollum nodded.
"So, " Gimli continues, "One day we're all there and the camera's are rolling and Gollum has to do this scene where he's fishing in this lake, he's beating this fish into a bloody pulp, and he forgets his lines. He's just standing there, looking absolutely dumb-struck, and then suddenly, he comes out with this really weirdo saying--man, I just corpsed, you know? Turns out it was something this old guy used to say and the stress of mumbling his lines must have brought it back to the surface. Well, it was an instant hit with PJ, and it kind of snowballed from there. We use the old guy's lines all the time now and there's even a sort of suggestion box up in the main canteen, so if we come up with a new one it gets put on the list and you can win a nice bonus."
FADE OUT
FADE IN
Pippin, Frodo, and Merry sit on a trio of directors-style chairs, and Gandalf hangs about in the background, having a smoke.
Merry is seated in the middle, he is wearing dark glasses and denim bib and brace outfit, with Cuban heels. Pippin is seated to his right dressed in shorts, Nikes, and a running top. To his left Frodo lounges in his black shirt, and leather trousers drinking a mug of coffee.
"What are we really like?" Merry muses, "Okay, our Frodo here, he plays this really naïve young hobbit, you know he's always got his nose buried in a book, head is always in the clouds, dreaming of life outside the Shire-- HAH, couldn't be further from the truth!"
He jerks his thumb towards Frodo, "Frodo here is the biggest sugar freak you've ever met--six lumps in his tea, nine in coffee. And if that coffee's not so strong that he can't just go ahead and carve off a slice, then-- WOOT! Does he ever throw a tantrum. He's got a hell of a temper!"
Gandalf interjects, lighting another cigarette.
"Well, actually, Merry, that's not entirely correct. You're making him out to be some kind of nut, when he's not. Yes, Frodo likes his sugar and caffeine, but lets be reasonable. It's you who gets the hissy fits when it doesn't go your way. Frodo, here is normally the coolest head around here. In fact I'd go so far to say he's so laid back, he is practically horizontal! And as we all know, the girls are crazy for our dear Frodo. Absolutely besotted!"
"Aw, come on guys. . ." Frodo pleads but to his dismay his partners drag over a large gunny sack filled with envelopes. As the camera pans around the room it picks out walls smothered in photographs, drawings, bunches of flowers, and handwritten declarations of love. The predominant color is red; the predominant shape is that of a heart.
Frodo blushes a deep crimson, as first Pippin then Merry take turns to pick from the sack and read aloud, clearly relishing his embarrassment.
FADE OUT
FADE IN
"Is Merry really a closet megalomaniac?"
Frodo raises his dark eyebrows, stages a theatrical glance over his left shoulder to make sure he's alone, then hunches down close to the camera.
"I'd have to run with that one. Although, maybe a little less emphasis on the closet bit. . ."
FADE OUT
FADE IN
Pippin is on the phone again, he wears a haunted expression.
"You think he'll take me on? Oh. . .okay I see, yeah. . .I understand. How much of a percentage? Uh, I think I'll call you back."
He glances up and all expression fades from his face, swallowing his pride he slowly taps out a number on the phone.
"Charna? I need you to do me a favor. . .a big favor--oh and what's Dale's. . .uh, Mr. Greasely's favorite drink?"
FADE OUT
FADE IN
Frodo and Merry watch from afar as Pippin paces around talking into his cell phone.
Merry shrugs, "He's a funny sort, you think he'd be all soft and cuddly, but in reality he's a bit of a cold fish. Kind of the opposite to you Frodo. Maybe in the next film we'll get you to play Pip and he can play Frodo, what do you think? "
He looks full face at the camera, "Believe it people, 'lil Pip is one shrewd businessman, Mr. Sushi--get it?! Sushi--cold fish!" He pauses. "Me; I'm as you see me, no catches, what you see is what you get, no bones about it. You want ice, you go to Pip. You want fire--I'm you're man. Ah, what am I saying this for? He's my best buddy."
He yells out to Pippin's distant figure.
"Pip, you're my best buddy!" Then aside to Frodo. "You too, of course. . ."
FADE OUT
FADE IN
Frodo grabs Merry and puts him in a headlock.
"You got the 'cold fish Sushi' thing from the Bladerunner movie, Merry--and that's the third time you've used it this week. Now. . ." Frodo gently pries the shades off of Merry's face.
"Why don't you tell all the folks out there in T.V. land, just how you came by that lovely black eye?"
Merry's left eye is a delicate shade of purple and the bruise marks above his eyebrow are shaped remarkably like a person's knuckles.
He chuckles nervously, "Okay, I went too far. . .so what else is new?"
FADE OUT
FADE IN
The camera pans around the side of the make-up trailer, somebody giggles. It comes to a small, secluded area, pans left a little and there's the sound of frantic kissing. A final slip to the left and Frodo is revealed, locked in a passionate embrace with Sam.
Sensing the camera he whips around so that his body blocks Sam from view and tries to cover the lens with his right palm. There's a lot of joggling before the screen goes black, and Sam can be heard wailing:
"We're just good friends!"
FADE OUT
FADE IN
The credits roll across a still shot of Bill which is interspersed with short cut scenes of the documentary.
GOLLUM: Opens an oddly shaped package, only to reveal a rabbit skin loin cloth--shouts of laughter are heard from behind camera.
ELROND: Combs gel through his well-slicked hair. Self-absorbed, he licks the comb, and then runs, gagging, to the bathroom.
ARWEN: Is seen cutting the ribbon at the opening of the new store. She is wearing a large purple chicken costume.
FRODO: Is sorting though a wide array of fan mail. He comes across a letter that is signed by none other than Sam Gamgee.
EOWYN: Is seen marking a graduate's paper on cold fusion. Chopin plays in the background.
PIPPIN: Screams obscenities into his cell phone, finishing off with a "Double pepperoni this time!"
GALADRIEL: Is still locked in the bathroom.
SAM: Is stuffing something into an envelope. Seeing the camera, he whirls around, guiltily. Red crepe hearts with 'Frodo' written on them flutter slowly to the floor.
LEGOLAS: Walks away across the Rivendel set. There is a sign taped to his back. It reads: 'KICK ME--YES, PRECIOUS!'
MERRY: Gets up from a sun bed, clutching a towel to his stomach. Little realizing there's a mirror behind him, displaying his ass to the world.
ARAGORN: Fits Frodo's gap-creating device into his mouth. He grins into the camera. There is a loud 'TWANG' and he runs off screaming.
GIMLI AND BOROMIR: Hang awkwardly in the background as Aragorn runs passed shouting something along the lines of "MEDIC! ASSISTANCE, PLEASE!"
GANDALF: Is lying on his stomach being massaged by Baywatch beauty look- alikes. He gives the camera a long lazy smile, and a wink.
FADE OUT