The Final Fantasy Seven Social Label Hour!
Notes: I don't own these characters. (I think.) I also don't like labeling people too terribly much, but this fic wouldn't be as completely full of hilarity if I didn't use the stupid labels. ON WE GO!
Let's say that Sector 7's been reconstructed, mmm'kay? And let's say that Aeris...NEVER MIND I'M NOT TYPING A SPOILER HERE.
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One fine day in Midgar, the Final Fantasy 7 crew was hanging out at Seventh Heaven. Aeris was playing the pinball machine, which was aptly named "Devil's Advocate". She lost and turned around to see that Cloud, Tifa, Vincent, Red, Sephiroth, Cid and Cait Sith were all gone for no apparent reason.
"That's strange. I wonder where they went," she said aloud.
"Dem foo's went to de mall," Barret replied, cleaning out some beer mugs. "You was too busy playing dat pinball game. I didn't wanna distract ya."
"WE'RE BA-A-A-ACK!" Tifa squealed. She was carrying a bunch of shopping bags.
"Where are those from?" Aeris asked. Tifa showed her each bag. "Wet Seal. Express. GAP. Abercrombie and Fitch?" She looked up to see Tifa wearing a shirt that proudly read "SPRING BREAK" even though it was summer, with the words "Abercrombie and Fitch" written smaller beneath it. She was also wearing a very short khaki miniskirt.
"Shi't!" Barret hollered from the bar. "Tifa! Marlene's at a very impressionable age, you foo'!"
"So?" Tifa took out a tube of roll-on raspstrawbluemulberry lip gloss and applied it. Suddenly, Cloud came in, wearing thick-rimmed glasses even though his vision was perfect, a plain brown shirt with the Weezer logo on it, brown pants and black Chuck Taylors. He looked very sad.
"What's wrong with him?" Tifa asked. Cloud simply sighed.
"He's...either gotten very sad again or..." Aeris gasped. "It can't be."
"What?" asked Tifa.
"Cloud, have you gone emo?" Aeris asked Cloud, who nodded. "And silent?" He shook his head no.
"PUNK ROCK TAXI!!!" came a loud voice. Tifa, Aeris and Cloud turned to see Sephiroth entering the room. The ominous music that usually played when he entered had been replaced with Sex Pistols music and his long grey hair had been replaced with...a long grey mohawk. The sides of his head were completely shaved, leaving a tall grey mohawk in the middle. He had gotten his eyebrow and nose pierced, was wearing a shirt that had a picture from one of The Casualties' album covers, baggy black pants with two bondage straps on the back and front, a chain and combat boots with removable spikes on them. He placed now empty bags from Hot Topic on the table next to Tifa's bags.
"What is going on?" Aeris asked.
"Did Sephiroth go punk?" Tifa asked.
"Heh. Wait until you see what Vincent spent HIS hard-earned money on," Sephiroth said, sitting down. You could hear his wallet chain go clink. He turned right as Vincent stepped in and watched Tifa's facial expression change to one of shock.
"Dear sweet Jesus..." she muttered.
"Shut up," Vincent replied. "It's an expression of the deep, dark depths of my tortured soul!"
"Vincy, honey, it's not whatever you said it is, it's black eyeliner. And it's drawn on so it looks like either scars or tears or something like that. And men just do NOT look good in eyeliner!!!" Tifa screamed, her face turning red. Cloud began to cry.
"I need to go listen to some Bright Eyes and just cry," Cloud said, using the Devil's Advocate machine to go downstairs. A few minutes later, Bright Eyes was coming out of the speakers. But now back to Vincent's description. ANYWAY. In addition to the black eyeliner, he was also wearing black lipstick, which caused Tifa to go into a state of shock. A spiked dog collar was around his neck and he was wearing a black shirt with a white cross on it and fishnet all the way down to his hands. The pants he was wearing were so baggy they looked like a skirt if you squinted hard enough.
"Dear sweet Jesus our Lord in heaven Vincent's gone goth Vincent's gone goth..." Tifa kept repeating the same thing over and over and every so often twitching a bit and banging her head against the table.
"Is she all right?" Aeris asked.
"She's trying to get the gothed-out Vincent out of her head," Sephiroth replied. "And I don't blame her."
"You shut up, Mr. 'Oooh, I'm gonna go punk and get a mohawk'. Poser," Vincent muttered.
"What'd you call me?"
"I called you a poser, you evil homicidal maniacal FAIRY!"
"Run for it!" Aeris howled.
"Wait, I haven't even shown myself yet!" Yuffie whined, stepping inside to see Vincent and Sephiroth glaring daggers at each other.
"What are you?" Tifa asked.
"Indie," Yuffie replied. She was wearing a forest green shirt with nothing on it and plain blue jeans. "I don't see what the big deal is. I just went to Goody's while everyone else was going to Cold Topics or wherever. Hey, where'd Cloud go?"
"He needed to go downstairs, cry and listen to Bright Eyes," Aeris replied.
"Hey, Aeris, you're not an overdone social label," Tifa pointed out.
"That's right. That's because I don't like them. It's a moral objection, nothing else." Aeris smiled. "Now let's get some popcorn. I bet Vincent'll win."
"Are you kidding? I say Sephiroth," Tifa replied.
"I think that Chaos'll come out and kick Sephiroth's ASS!" Yuffie shouted, punching her fist in the air.
Downstairs, Cloud had used an entire Sam's Club-sized case of Kleenex crying his eyes out whilst listening to Bright Eyes. However, right as he dried his crying eyes with the very last tissue, the CD ended. He looked over to see that the entire CD had only been 12 tracks. He had been crying through 12 tracks of music? His eyes hurt, but that was okay, because he went back upstairs to see the girls cheering for either Sephiroth or Vincent.
"What's going on?" he asked Aeris.
"Vincent called Sephiroth a poser, then an 'evil homicidal maniacal fairy', if I remember right, so this made Sephiroth all mad and whatnot, so they're gonna fight."
"STOP!" Cloud cried out. "Fighting is bad," he whined. "Can't we just settle things with words?" This made the entire bar go silent until Barret threw down a glass.
"Shu'up, foo'!!" he demanded. "Let 'em fight if they wanna." This made Cloud cry again. He quickly retreated downstairs, this time putting on Dashboard Confessional. "Who knew his spiky white ass could cry?"
"When are we gonna see some fighting?" Yuffie asked impatiently. "I'm getting bored. Pull on his mohawk!"
"Good idea," Aeris replied, watching as Vincent pulled on Sephiroth's mohawk, which he had mohawked with Elmer's Glue.
"Your mom is so stupid, she had you!" Vincent said to Sephiroth.
"Holy shit," Tifa said, watching as the veins popped from Sephiroth's neck. Everyone knew that talking bad about mothers to Sephiroth was not a good idea. "That took balls."
"What took balls?" Yuffie asked.
"Being able to say a your mom joke to Sephiroth."
"Kick his ass, Vincent!" Yuffie screamed. "I bet all my gil on it..."
"What'd you say about my mom?" Sephiroth asked.
"I SAID, your mom is so stupid, she had YOU."
"YOU (Censored for your protection)ing (censor)!!! At least I'm not a (censored) vampire!"
"What do you mean, at least? The chicks dig it."
"Shut up and fight!" Aeris shouted. Barret was ready to call the cops...the fire department...the insane asylum...
The fight began with a bunch of punches, which wasn't a good idea because Sephiroth had a spiked bracelet on one of his hands. Yuffie stole it to keep the battle a bit more fair and let it continue. After the initial flurry of punches, Vincent got SO irritated and just generally pissed off that he turned into Chaos (how goth!) and began to kick Sephiroth around like a soccer ball. A soccer ball with a mohawk. Chaos kicked Sephiroth into a wall, which prompted a Latin American soccer commentator to start hollering "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!" until he coughed up his lungs, died and disappeared. Even though Sephiroth the mohawked soccer ball was still in said ball, begging for mercy, Chaos began to kick him over and over and over and over until he felt he was done. Then he did a victory dance kind of like the Latin American soccer teams, except without the jumping all over each other and screaming. The girls began to cheer, then bodybump, then headbang, then do the wave, then cheer some more. Sephiroth still was in his little ball, kind of whimpering, his mohawk messed up. Chaos turned back into Vincent, then the girls stormed him and started squealing like strange little fangirls.
"You got knocked the hell out!" they all said in unison, even Barret.
"I'm not unconscious!" Sephiroth retorted.
"You didn't finish the job?" Yuffie asked in shock.
"I'm just kind of tired. But let me tell you, Valentine, you'll pay DEARLY for saying that about my mother! Whoosh!" With that, Sephiroth disappeared.
"YAY!" everyone said. Cloud came back upstairs, drying his eyes once more.
"Fighting is bad!" he said, whining. And suddenly, the author appeared out of nowhere, taunted Cloud the Emo Kid, told Barret he's a bit too much like Mr. T of The A-Team, told Yuffie that Chuck Taylors come in orange (I think), said she was a really big Vincent fangirl, then said "WHOOSH!" and disappeared once more. That was truly strange. Barret thought about the similarities between him and Mr. T, Cloud was all sad because...well, he just IS, and Yuffie rushed off to get orange Chuck Taylors. Then, two very tall men from Square knocked on the door of the author's house and gave her candy to not use their characters in completely deranged stories like these.
"Let's go to the Gold Saucer!" Aeris suggested. "We'll have fun!"
THE bloody friggin' END!
Notes: I don't own these characters. (I think.) I also don't like labeling people too terribly much, but this fic wouldn't be as completely full of hilarity if I didn't use the stupid labels. ON WE GO!
Let's say that Sector 7's been reconstructed, mmm'kay? And let's say that Aeris...NEVER MIND I'M NOT TYPING A SPOILER HERE.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One fine day in Midgar, the Final Fantasy 7 crew was hanging out at Seventh Heaven. Aeris was playing the pinball machine, which was aptly named "Devil's Advocate". She lost and turned around to see that Cloud, Tifa, Vincent, Red, Sephiroth, Cid and Cait Sith were all gone for no apparent reason.
"That's strange. I wonder where they went," she said aloud.
"Dem foo's went to de mall," Barret replied, cleaning out some beer mugs. "You was too busy playing dat pinball game. I didn't wanna distract ya."
"WE'RE BA-A-A-ACK!" Tifa squealed. She was carrying a bunch of shopping bags.
"Where are those from?" Aeris asked. Tifa showed her each bag. "Wet Seal. Express. GAP. Abercrombie and Fitch?" She looked up to see Tifa wearing a shirt that proudly read "SPRING BREAK" even though it was summer, with the words "Abercrombie and Fitch" written smaller beneath it. She was also wearing a very short khaki miniskirt.
"Shi't!" Barret hollered from the bar. "Tifa! Marlene's at a very impressionable age, you foo'!"
"So?" Tifa took out a tube of roll-on raspstrawbluemulberry lip gloss and applied it. Suddenly, Cloud came in, wearing thick-rimmed glasses even though his vision was perfect, a plain brown shirt with the Weezer logo on it, brown pants and black Chuck Taylors. He looked very sad.
"What's wrong with him?" Tifa asked. Cloud simply sighed.
"He's...either gotten very sad again or..." Aeris gasped. "It can't be."
"What?" asked Tifa.
"Cloud, have you gone emo?" Aeris asked Cloud, who nodded. "And silent?" He shook his head no.
"PUNK ROCK TAXI!!!" came a loud voice. Tifa, Aeris and Cloud turned to see Sephiroth entering the room. The ominous music that usually played when he entered had been replaced with Sex Pistols music and his long grey hair had been replaced with...a long grey mohawk. The sides of his head were completely shaved, leaving a tall grey mohawk in the middle. He had gotten his eyebrow and nose pierced, was wearing a shirt that had a picture from one of The Casualties' album covers, baggy black pants with two bondage straps on the back and front, a chain and combat boots with removable spikes on them. He placed now empty bags from Hot Topic on the table next to Tifa's bags.
"What is going on?" Aeris asked.
"Did Sephiroth go punk?" Tifa asked.
"Heh. Wait until you see what Vincent spent HIS hard-earned money on," Sephiroth said, sitting down. You could hear his wallet chain go clink. He turned right as Vincent stepped in and watched Tifa's facial expression change to one of shock.
"Dear sweet Jesus..." she muttered.
"Shut up," Vincent replied. "It's an expression of the deep, dark depths of my tortured soul!"
"Vincy, honey, it's not whatever you said it is, it's black eyeliner. And it's drawn on so it looks like either scars or tears or something like that. And men just do NOT look good in eyeliner!!!" Tifa screamed, her face turning red. Cloud began to cry.
"I need to go listen to some Bright Eyes and just cry," Cloud said, using the Devil's Advocate machine to go downstairs. A few minutes later, Bright Eyes was coming out of the speakers. But now back to Vincent's description. ANYWAY. In addition to the black eyeliner, he was also wearing black lipstick, which caused Tifa to go into a state of shock. A spiked dog collar was around his neck and he was wearing a black shirt with a white cross on it and fishnet all the way down to his hands. The pants he was wearing were so baggy they looked like a skirt if you squinted hard enough.
"Dear sweet Jesus our Lord in heaven Vincent's gone goth Vincent's gone goth..." Tifa kept repeating the same thing over and over and every so often twitching a bit and banging her head against the table.
"Is she all right?" Aeris asked.
"She's trying to get the gothed-out Vincent out of her head," Sephiroth replied. "And I don't blame her."
"You shut up, Mr. 'Oooh, I'm gonna go punk and get a mohawk'. Poser," Vincent muttered.
"What'd you call me?"
"I called you a poser, you evil homicidal maniacal FAIRY!"
"Run for it!" Aeris howled.
"Wait, I haven't even shown myself yet!" Yuffie whined, stepping inside to see Vincent and Sephiroth glaring daggers at each other.
"What are you?" Tifa asked.
"Indie," Yuffie replied. She was wearing a forest green shirt with nothing on it and plain blue jeans. "I don't see what the big deal is. I just went to Goody's while everyone else was going to Cold Topics or wherever. Hey, where'd Cloud go?"
"He needed to go downstairs, cry and listen to Bright Eyes," Aeris replied.
"Hey, Aeris, you're not an overdone social label," Tifa pointed out.
"That's right. That's because I don't like them. It's a moral objection, nothing else." Aeris smiled. "Now let's get some popcorn. I bet Vincent'll win."
"Are you kidding? I say Sephiroth," Tifa replied.
"I think that Chaos'll come out and kick Sephiroth's ASS!" Yuffie shouted, punching her fist in the air.
Downstairs, Cloud had used an entire Sam's Club-sized case of Kleenex crying his eyes out whilst listening to Bright Eyes. However, right as he dried his crying eyes with the very last tissue, the CD ended. He looked over to see that the entire CD had only been 12 tracks. He had been crying through 12 tracks of music? His eyes hurt, but that was okay, because he went back upstairs to see the girls cheering for either Sephiroth or Vincent.
"What's going on?" he asked Aeris.
"Vincent called Sephiroth a poser, then an 'evil homicidal maniacal fairy', if I remember right, so this made Sephiroth all mad and whatnot, so they're gonna fight."
"STOP!" Cloud cried out. "Fighting is bad," he whined. "Can't we just settle things with words?" This made the entire bar go silent until Barret threw down a glass.
"Shu'up, foo'!!" he demanded. "Let 'em fight if they wanna." This made Cloud cry again. He quickly retreated downstairs, this time putting on Dashboard Confessional. "Who knew his spiky white ass could cry?"
"When are we gonna see some fighting?" Yuffie asked impatiently. "I'm getting bored. Pull on his mohawk!"
"Good idea," Aeris replied, watching as Vincent pulled on Sephiroth's mohawk, which he had mohawked with Elmer's Glue.
"Your mom is so stupid, she had you!" Vincent said to Sephiroth.
"Holy shit," Tifa said, watching as the veins popped from Sephiroth's neck. Everyone knew that talking bad about mothers to Sephiroth was not a good idea. "That took balls."
"What took balls?" Yuffie asked.
"Being able to say a your mom joke to Sephiroth."
"Kick his ass, Vincent!" Yuffie screamed. "I bet all my gil on it..."
"What'd you say about my mom?" Sephiroth asked.
"I SAID, your mom is so stupid, she had YOU."
"YOU (Censored for your protection)ing (censor)!!! At least I'm not a (censored) vampire!"
"What do you mean, at least? The chicks dig it."
"Shut up and fight!" Aeris shouted. Barret was ready to call the cops...the fire department...the insane asylum...
The fight began with a bunch of punches, which wasn't a good idea because Sephiroth had a spiked bracelet on one of his hands. Yuffie stole it to keep the battle a bit more fair and let it continue. After the initial flurry of punches, Vincent got SO irritated and just generally pissed off that he turned into Chaos (how goth!) and began to kick Sephiroth around like a soccer ball. A soccer ball with a mohawk. Chaos kicked Sephiroth into a wall, which prompted a Latin American soccer commentator to start hollering "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!" until he coughed up his lungs, died and disappeared. Even though Sephiroth the mohawked soccer ball was still in said ball, begging for mercy, Chaos began to kick him over and over and over and over until he felt he was done. Then he did a victory dance kind of like the Latin American soccer teams, except without the jumping all over each other and screaming. The girls began to cheer, then bodybump, then headbang, then do the wave, then cheer some more. Sephiroth still was in his little ball, kind of whimpering, his mohawk messed up. Chaos turned back into Vincent, then the girls stormed him and started squealing like strange little fangirls.
"You got knocked the hell out!" they all said in unison, even Barret.
"I'm not unconscious!" Sephiroth retorted.
"You didn't finish the job?" Yuffie asked in shock.
"I'm just kind of tired. But let me tell you, Valentine, you'll pay DEARLY for saying that about my mother! Whoosh!" With that, Sephiroth disappeared.
"YAY!" everyone said. Cloud came back upstairs, drying his eyes once more.
"Fighting is bad!" he said, whining. And suddenly, the author appeared out of nowhere, taunted Cloud the Emo Kid, told Barret he's a bit too much like Mr. T of The A-Team, told Yuffie that Chuck Taylors come in orange (I think), said she was a really big Vincent fangirl, then said "WHOOSH!" and disappeared once more. That was truly strange. Barret thought about the similarities between him and Mr. T, Cloud was all sad because...well, he just IS, and Yuffie rushed off to get orange Chuck Taylors. Then, two very tall men from Square knocked on the door of the author's house and gave her candy to not use their characters in completely deranged stories like these.
"Let's go to the Gold Saucer!" Aeris suggested. "We'll have fun!"
THE bloody friggin' END!