The FF7 Social Label Hour
COMES BACK FOR SECONDS!
Notes: Everyone, thanks for the reviews! They made me all happy-like. And, for a moment there, when I was describing gothed-out Vincy, I went into a...sort of spasm...*eats candy, no and it's NOT the Square candy, I got GARY MARTIN HAYES on their case (that joke is only funny if you live in Atlanta, Gary Martin Hayes rocks)*. Anyway. Since I'm on summer vacation/holiday/hols, I thought I would write a vacacione-type thing, which, of course, dictates that the characters must be in the Costa del Sol villa. I'm kind of making up the layout of it...there are different bedrooms and they all have TVs, then there is a common room, which has a kitchen, and a deck that has a picture-perfect view of the ocean.
By the way: I forgot to write in Cid, Red and Cait into the last fic. They will appear here. Also, in this part, swear words won't be hilariously censored. Maturity required!
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"Who took my Cure CD?" Sephiroth demanded, searching through everything in the room he refused to share with anyone. Black clothes and spiked things flew through the air like debris after an explosion as he scoured his little corner of the Costa del Sol villa for his Cure CD. His mohawk was only halfway done up, the other half still streaming down his back as normal. His hands were covered in drying, peeling Elmer's Glue, which left marks on all his black clothes. This just made him a little more mad.
"I'm missing 106th and Park!" Cid pleaded with Tifa, who would not turn the TV off of MindlessTV (MTV), where an old white guy was desperately trying to be cool (Carson Daly). "Please, Tifa, I'll do anything!" Tifa looked up and noticed Cid was wearing a white FUBU shirt, baggy red sweatpants and a gold chain necklace with a dollar sign on it. He was also wearing those Adidas shoes that Run-DMC wore so long ago.
"Hmm...no. I want to see the new Justin Timberlake video! Hee-hee!" Tifa replied. This caused Cid to burst out into an angered flurry of swear words.
"Shu'up, you dried-up old foo'! Dontcha know there's a TV in every room?" Barret asked from his room, where he was watching a show about hunting. "You can watch ya damn 106th and Park in ya own room!" Cid's flurry of swear words changed from being aimed at Tifa to being aimed at Barret.
I'm pretty sure we all know by now the only person with enough guts/balls/whatever you wish to hide one of Sephiroth's belongings. No, it's not Superman, or even Bob the Builder...That's right, it's our gothy, tortured friend Vincent! He was opening and closing the CD jewel case over and over again, sitting in a dark corner. Unfortunately, he had to share a room with Emo Cloud, which brought him down because Cloud HAD to listen to his emo music all the time. And cry. Oh yes, did Cloud ever cry. He's emo, after all.
"Do you ever get tired of that whiny crap?" he finally asked Cloud, who was listening to Sunny Day Real Estate.
"Get tired of Sunny Day Real Estate?" Cloud treated Vincent's question like he had asked if the sky was blue or if people breathed air. "That's impossible."
"Okay, if you're never going to get tired of Rainy Night Fake Estate, at least use some headphones so OTHER PEOPLE don't have to hear that whiny crap." This caused Cloud to...do what every other emo boy does a lot...CRY.
Aeris and Yuffie, the two slightly not-labeled people, were in their room. Yuffie was watching a ninja show on TV and Aeris was busily typing away on a laptop computer.
"Hey, Aeris, whatcha doin'?" Yuffie asked.
"Me? I'm updating my weblog." Aeris typed a few more things, then hit Enter. "It's fun, but it can get addictive pretty fast."
"I'm thinking of taking up guitar," Yuffie said randomly, and a black Fender electric guitar and an amp appeared out of nowhere. She plugged the guitar in and began to play all the chords. "D...E...G...C...how do I play B again?"
"I'm going to go get a lemonade. I'll be right back." Aeris left the room and saw Justin Timberlake on the TV doing his thing. "Wow. He is hot."
"I know, isn't he?" asked Tifa, who was painting her nails in the latest nail color trend (I forgot what it is...I just wear black polish all the time).
"What's his name?" Aeris began to talk in that faraway, dreamy voice.
"Justin Timberlake. JT!" Tifa replied, giggling.
"Wow. I think I will watch this with you." So, forgetting entirely about the lemonade, Aeris sat down and watched all of TRL with Tifa. Yuffie eventually came out into the common room (where Tifa and Aeris were watching TRL), still holding the guitar that had appeared out of nowhere.
"Hey, Aeris? Is it okay if I use your computer to download some guitar tabs?" asked Yuffie.
"Sure. But could you open one of my fileshare programs and type Lillix into the search bar? They're really good," Aeris said as a Lillix video came on TRL. (Don't even get me started on Lillix...four Avril clones writing pop songs)
"Where is my damn Cure CD?" Sephiroth asked, entering the common room. Tifa turned to look at him and her eyes got big upon seeing his half-hawk. "Who took my Cure CD?!" he demanded.
"I don't know. Have you asked Cloud? Maybe he mistook The Cure for emo and wanted to cry to it," Yuffie suggested, strumming off a few more notes on her guitar. "He's in that room." She pointed with her guitar pick to one of the rooms, the door ajar. "By the way, you forgot to do up all of your mohawk..."
"I know! I know! I'll finish the job as soon as I find my Cure CD." Sephiroth stormed off toward the room Yuffie suggested. Then, Yuffie turned towards Aeris.
"Aeris? Have you gone teenie?" she asked, just plain shocked when Aeris nodded yes. "All right then. Enjoy your...TRL."
Sephiroth pushed the door to Cloud's room open so it slammed against the wall. Cloud had ignored Vincent's request to get some headphones and was on Sunny Day Real Estate's second album, still crying a river. (No, that is not a pun towards a Justin Timberlake song.) Vincent was sulking in the dark corner he had made for himself.
"Cloud, do you have my Cure CD?" Sephiroth asked, now getting irritated.
"Hmmm..." Cloud stopped to ponder a bit. "Nope, sorry." He shook his head and shrugged his shoulders, just like he does every time he is asked a question in the game itself.
"Boys Don't Cry? You call this punk?" Vincent asked, sneering. "I thought you would like...maybe The Buzzcocks or someone else. I guess your musical tastes are varied."
"You took it?" Sephiroth asked.
"It looks kind of obvious, doesn't it?"
"Give it back, Valentine."
"How about no."
"Okay then, would you like your death to be slow and painful or quick and painless?"
"Sephiroth, you seem to have forgotten that I'm a vampire."
"So?"
"So you kind of can't kill me."
"...I knew that. Give me back my CD."
"Not yet. There's one thing I have to do with it." Vincent walked across the room and into the common room, walked in front of the TV (which caused Aeris and Tifa to loudly complain) and walked onto the deck.
"What the fuck are you going to do with my CD?!" Sephiroth demanded.
"I don't know. I was kind of wondering how far I can throw."
"This is getting good," Tifa whispered to Aeris, who nodded. "Do you think we'll have a repeat of last time, with that soccer dude?" Aeris remembered the soccer dude and his GOOOOOOAL.
"Not sure."
"He's really gonna throw it!!" Tifa pointed out right as Vincent chucked that sucker off the deck and watched it fly for a little before falling into a patch of poison ivy. (Note: I like The Cure.)
"Hm. Too bad. That appears to be poison ivy."
Suddenly, the author popped up out of the patch, dressed in one of those Haz-Mat suits. She took off the headpiece and waved the CD around.
"Thanks! I was looking for that one."
"Who is she?" Sephiroth asked.
"I give you LIIIIIFE!" She paused. "Erm...maybe I'll just leave now. I want to go get a cherry ice-sucky...although it is a poor substitute for human blood. WHOOSH!" (Note: I took that cherry ice-sucky thing from SQUEE! by Jhonen Vasquez.) With that whoosh, she disappeared off into the horizon, looking for the nearest Circle K. (Strange things are afoot at the Circle K.) Everyone promptly forgot the appearance of the author because she made them. Although Vincent remembered the cherry ice-sucky tip.
"You stole my CD! For that, you shall pa--Hey! Where's my chain?" Sephiroth looked down to see the chain that held his wallet was gone.
In the other room, Yuffie was buying accessories for her newfound guitar with Sephiroth's Gold Plus credit card.
"Damn eBay auctions...you bid and then someone bids over you..." Yuffie muttered.
"Who has my chain?" Sephiroth asked. "Valentine, do you have it?"
"Why would I want to take it?"
"Hmm. Good point. Barret?"
"Ooooh gurl I'd neva hurt'chu," Barret sang in a slow, soulful voice, like Usher or...someone like Usher.
"Uh...riiiiiight," Sephiroth replied, stretching out the i in the style of Dr. Evil. "I guess not. Aeris? Tifa?"
"We've got all the money we need," Tifa replied. "Nope."
"Cid?" Sephiroth asked, headed for Cid's room, where he was watching 106th and Park and dancing along to 50 Cent.
"Go shorty! It's ya birthday! We gonna party like it's ya birthday..." Cid sang.
"CID!" Sephiroth shouted. "HAVE YOU SEEN MY WALLET?"
"Naw, dawg, I ain't seen ya wallet."
"Okay then." Sephiroth went into the animal room, which was occupied by Red and Cait Sith. "Have you two seen my wallet?"
"Nope," Red replied.
"Wait! I think I know where it went!" Cait Sith announced, then the Mog thingy did a little dance like when you first meet him in the game. The Mog handed a piece of paper to Sephiroth.
"If the shoe fits, it's probably the right size? What's that got to do with finding my wallet?"
"Okay, let me try again!" Cait Sith tried about seven more times, each time coming up with something you would probably find in a fortune cookie instead of an answer as to where Sephiroth's wallet went. Eventually, he threw a temper tantrum and got out of there.
"WHERE MY WALLET IS AT?" he screamed, holding his head.
"Crap!" Yuffie whispered right as she won a Gibson Les Paul guitar. She slipped the credit card back into its little resting place, snapped the wallet shut and looked around for a place to hide it. Eventually she just chucked it under the bed, then assumed an innocent position on the bed, typing away on the laptop.
"Yuffie, have you seen my wallet?"
"No siree, Bob, I haven't. Have you asked Cloud yet?"
"No, actually, I haven't. Thanks, anyway."
"You're welcome." As Sephiroth left, Yuffie typed "sucker" into the computer.
"Cloud?" Sephiroth asked, walking into Cloud and Vincent's room.
"What do you want?" Cloud asked, dabbing away his neverending tears. "I hate myself."
"Good for you. Have you seen my wallet?" Sephiroth asked. Cloud paused to think, then wiped away a few more tears.
"What does it look like?"
"Well...it's a black snap-shut wallet with Pantera written on it...and it's on a silver metal chain."
"Hmm...nope. Haven't seen it. Sorry."
"DAMMIT!" Sephiroth screamed.
"Hey, no need to shout," replied Cloud.
"Wait a minute. Who's the one who usually steals stuff?"
"Well, lately it's been Vincent, but before that? Yuffie."
"YUFFIE!!!!" Sephiroth screamed louder, his face turning red and the veins popping from beneath his skin.
"Yes?" Yuffie replied ever-so-innocently.
"YOU STOLE MY WALLET, DIDN'T YOU?"
"Why, of course not..."
"DON'T LIE TO ME OR I WILL KILL YOU!"
"Holy crap! Well...I kinda borrowed it..."
"WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT?"
"I...I..." Yuffie was so scared, her face was frozen in a look of pure terror. "ikindausedittobuysomestuffonebayi'llpayyoubackonceihavethemoneyreallyiwillipromise...."
"YOU USED MY WALLET TO BUY STUFF ON EBAY?"
"yes"
"GIVE IT BACK. NOW!" Yuffie searched underneath the bed for the wallet, then handed it back to Sephiroth, who stormed out of the room.
"A 'thank you' would be NICE!" Yuffie shouted back. "Bastard."
The author was floating outside the window of Cloud and Vincent's room, floating in the indian-style position, sipping on a cherry ice-sucky. Inside, Cloud was finished with Sunny Day Real Estate's second album and put on the third one. Once again, Vincent begged him to put on some friggin' headphones, but of course Cloud didn't. This caused Cloud to burst into tears again. Vincent, who was applying eyeliner, accidentally poked himself in the eye with the pencil and went off on Cloud. While he was going off on Cloud, the author sat there, eyes glazed over, straw dangling out of her mouth, look of pure amazement on her face. Did she just spot his fangs? Damn, was he hot. Oh yeah. Cherry ice-sucky straw...dangling...out of mouth...you might want to drink it...but what about the fangs...shut up and drink...fangs...drink...what if he got hungry? would you offer yourself up? YES! oh no i think i'm falling...And the author fell to the ground, but her mind was in dreamland.
"Did you hear something?" Cloud asked.
"No, I can't hear ANYTHING above that stupid music of yours."
"It sounded like someone falling."
"Disregard it. It was probably just a bird."
"Poor bird." This caused Cloud to, you guessed it, cry some more. Vincent simply sighed and continued applying eyeliner.
TRL ended, so Aeris and Tifa went to get on the laptop and download boy-band music, kicking Yuffie off the laptop. She pouted, but then went off to practice on the deck instead. Sephiroth was in his room, which he occupied by himself for some reason, listening to The Casualties turned up really loud. Barret was putting on really big sunglasses like P. Diddy's and singing "I Need a Girl". Cid was still watching BET. Red was having a big slab of meat to eat for dinner and Cait Sith was reading "Psychic Readings for Dummies". Cloud was crying, Vincent was sitting in his dark corner and the author was floating outside their window again, still drinking her cherry ice-sucky and being all...fangirl-like.
Later that night, the girls cooked a really big feast for everyone. Yuffie played songs and everyone suddenly was wearing cow costumes.
"What the fuck? Why are we wearing these pansy-ass costumes?" Cid asked.
"It's not Halloween yet," Tifa pointed out, slurping up a bunch of noodles.
"These dumplings are great," Aeris commented as she downed a gigantic dumpling.
"You made them," Cloud noted.
"So?"
"Why is that girl floating outside the window?" asked Vincent, pointing. "She's..."
"THE ONE WHO PUT US IN THESE COSTUMES!" everyone said in unison. Outside the window, the author was in hysterics.
"Cow suits! I have outdone myself. WHOOSH!" She flew off to the video store to get a mmmmmovie. It was time to play with their minds a bit more. Inside, everyone was still pigging out, as there was a lot of food left. It was all really, really, really good food because the girls knew how to cook, unlike some of the guys. The dinner table was very quiet except for normal eating sounds. The author returned from the video store and, using her sooperpowers, turned invisible for a time, inserted the video into the VCR in the common room and turned on the TV. Onscreen, the video that all the people in The Ring play (you know, then you get a phone call, blah blah) began to play. Everyone who was facing the TV sat there, mouths agape, staring. This prompted everyone else to look as well.
"I've heard about this video," Tifa said.
"So have I," Aeris and Yuffie chimed in. Yuffie was pale as a ghost.
"What the fuck?" Cid asked.
"Imma shoot this TV!" Barret warned, getting his gun ready. He was met by Vincent getting HIS gun ready to...you know, defend.
"Don't hurt it! What did it ever do to you?" Cloud asked.
"Cloud, haven't you heard of The Ring?" Red asked. Cloud shook his head. "Apparently, when this video ends, the phone will ring and the little girl on the tape will say 'Seven days', meaning, theoretically, seven days until our death." The video ended. Everyone remained quiet. The "snow" filled the screen, making a shrill static noise, then it went away and the screen filled with someone's face.
"Is this thing on? Okay. Move back?" The person, who was, of course, the author, was in the picture. "Hey guys! I was just kidding with this tape. None of you will die in seven days. Just ask Cait Sith! I just wanted to mess with your minds. Someone save some of that dinner for me. Now, go on back to eating, or whatever it was you were doing before, and have a great rest of your vacation!" Then the movie cut to the opening sequence for Days Of Our Lives. A collective sigh of relief was let out.
"Well, you heard her," Vincent said nonchalantly, eating again even though nobody else was. "Go on back to eating."
"You're the only one that wasn't scared to death of that damn tape," Sephiroth pointed out. "Which just proves my theory that you're a vampire."
"Hey, Sephiroth, do us a favor and shut up. Okay? Can you do that, or do you need some help? I'll go get your mohawk glue and glue your frickin' mouth shut with it."
"Another fight?" Yuffie asked. "Do they ever NOT fight?"
"I'm not quite sure," Aeris replied. "Let's go down to the beach!" The girls all left the table and then left the house to go down to the beach for a little while. Luckily, the little verbal exchange between Sephiroth and Vincent didn't turn ugly and everyone went back to their rooms. Cid put on The Eminem Show and began to sing along. Let's not even mention the fact that he can't sing very well. Sephiroth was jumping up and down in his room to The Casualties. Red and Cait Sith were talking about the planets and making lots of theories up. It kind of hurt their brains after awhile, so they stopped. Cloud was now listening to Jimmy Eat World (those cheaters took out their ovaries, play the emo game at emogame.com to see what I mean) and Vincent was cursing the world for no apparent reason, other than that Jimmy Eat World, and emo as a whole, really pissed him off. Barret was still doing his Usher routine, singing along to "U Got It Bad".
"I wonder if my gun makes me more sexy," he thought to himself. "Well, even if I have no fans and everyone laughs at me, Marlene will still be my #1 fan! I'll write a song about her! Oooooh baby baby my baby guuuuurl...." The girls returned from their short trip to the beach once it got really dark outside. Tifa and Aeris were singing along to bubblegum pop music while Yuffie tried to play bits and pieces of Metallica songs on her guitar. Then they all partied like it's ya birthday, and sipped Bacardi like it's ya birthday...
Riiiiiight.
Some things never change, I suppose.
AFTERWORD
The author sat in her floating house of doom which was floating above the Costa del Sol villa. She was in front of a computer, a new cherry ice-sucky next to it.
"Let's have fun!" she said gleefully, typing a few lines of code into the computer. Suddenly, the villa was in Icicle Inn. "Not fun enough yet." She typed in more lines of code and took out the heater in the villa. "Hmmm...Yeah. That's good." She sipped her cherry ice-sucky, which is still a poor substitute for human blood. Then she kind of got tired of hearing the cast whine about how cold they were, so she reluctantly changed the scenery back to Costa del Sol. "You guys are really no fun. Maybe I'll put Buffy The Vampire Slayer on TV and scare Vincent to death. Heheheh." Her glance turned. "And for all you folks at home, call me a masochist if you will." Buffy The Vampire Slayer came on TV right as Vincent turned it on. "This is where I leave you, and is also where the story ends. Until next time, folks, same bat-place, same bat-time, same bat-channel...Oh, right. I mean, um...blee blee blee blee THAT'S ALL FOLKS! No? Game over? No? WHAT CAN I USE TO END THIS FIC?" Finally, she took out a post-it note and scribbled something on it, then stuck it on her computer screen.
THE BLOODY FRIGGIN' END.
COMES BACK FOR SECONDS!
Notes: Everyone, thanks for the reviews! They made me all happy-like. And, for a moment there, when I was describing gothed-out Vincy, I went into a...sort of spasm...*eats candy, no and it's NOT the Square candy, I got GARY MARTIN HAYES on their case (that joke is only funny if you live in Atlanta, Gary Martin Hayes rocks)*. Anyway. Since I'm on summer vacation/holiday/hols, I thought I would write a vacacione-type thing, which, of course, dictates that the characters must be in the Costa del Sol villa. I'm kind of making up the layout of it...there are different bedrooms and they all have TVs, then there is a common room, which has a kitchen, and a deck that has a picture-perfect view of the ocean.
By the way: I forgot to write in Cid, Red and Cait into the last fic. They will appear here. Also, in this part, swear words won't be hilariously censored. Maturity required!
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"Who took my Cure CD?" Sephiroth demanded, searching through everything in the room he refused to share with anyone. Black clothes and spiked things flew through the air like debris after an explosion as he scoured his little corner of the Costa del Sol villa for his Cure CD. His mohawk was only halfway done up, the other half still streaming down his back as normal. His hands were covered in drying, peeling Elmer's Glue, which left marks on all his black clothes. This just made him a little more mad.
"I'm missing 106th and Park!" Cid pleaded with Tifa, who would not turn the TV off of MindlessTV (MTV), where an old white guy was desperately trying to be cool (Carson Daly). "Please, Tifa, I'll do anything!" Tifa looked up and noticed Cid was wearing a white FUBU shirt, baggy red sweatpants and a gold chain necklace with a dollar sign on it. He was also wearing those Adidas shoes that Run-DMC wore so long ago.
"Hmm...no. I want to see the new Justin Timberlake video! Hee-hee!" Tifa replied. This caused Cid to burst out into an angered flurry of swear words.
"Shu'up, you dried-up old foo'! Dontcha know there's a TV in every room?" Barret asked from his room, where he was watching a show about hunting. "You can watch ya damn 106th and Park in ya own room!" Cid's flurry of swear words changed from being aimed at Tifa to being aimed at Barret.
I'm pretty sure we all know by now the only person with enough guts/balls/whatever you wish to hide one of Sephiroth's belongings. No, it's not Superman, or even Bob the Builder...That's right, it's our gothy, tortured friend Vincent! He was opening and closing the CD jewel case over and over again, sitting in a dark corner. Unfortunately, he had to share a room with Emo Cloud, which brought him down because Cloud HAD to listen to his emo music all the time. And cry. Oh yes, did Cloud ever cry. He's emo, after all.
"Do you ever get tired of that whiny crap?" he finally asked Cloud, who was listening to Sunny Day Real Estate.
"Get tired of Sunny Day Real Estate?" Cloud treated Vincent's question like he had asked if the sky was blue or if people breathed air. "That's impossible."
"Okay, if you're never going to get tired of Rainy Night Fake Estate, at least use some headphones so OTHER PEOPLE don't have to hear that whiny crap." This caused Cloud to...do what every other emo boy does a lot...CRY.
Aeris and Yuffie, the two slightly not-labeled people, were in their room. Yuffie was watching a ninja show on TV and Aeris was busily typing away on a laptop computer.
"Hey, Aeris, whatcha doin'?" Yuffie asked.
"Me? I'm updating my weblog." Aeris typed a few more things, then hit Enter. "It's fun, but it can get addictive pretty fast."
"I'm thinking of taking up guitar," Yuffie said randomly, and a black Fender electric guitar and an amp appeared out of nowhere. She plugged the guitar in and began to play all the chords. "D...E...G...C...how do I play B again?"
"I'm going to go get a lemonade. I'll be right back." Aeris left the room and saw Justin Timberlake on the TV doing his thing. "Wow. He is hot."
"I know, isn't he?" asked Tifa, who was painting her nails in the latest nail color trend (I forgot what it is...I just wear black polish all the time).
"What's his name?" Aeris began to talk in that faraway, dreamy voice.
"Justin Timberlake. JT!" Tifa replied, giggling.
"Wow. I think I will watch this with you." So, forgetting entirely about the lemonade, Aeris sat down and watched all of TRL with Tifa. Yuffie eventually came out into the common room (where Tifa and Aeris were watching TRL), still holding the guitar that had appeared out of nowhere.
"Hey, Aeris? Is it okay if I use your computer to download some guitar tabs?" asked Yuffie.
"Sure. But could you open one of my fileshare programs and type Lillix into the search bar? They're really good," Aeris said as a Lillix video came on TRL. (Don't even get me started on Lillix...four Avril clones writing pop songs)
"Where is my damn Cure CD?" Sephiroth asked, entering the common room. Tifa turned to look at him and her eyes got big upon seeing his half-hawk. "Who took my Cure CD?!" he demanded.
"I don't know. Have you asked Cloud? Maybe he mistook The Cure for emo and wanted to cry to it," Yuffie suggested, strumming off a few more notes on her guitar. "He's in that room." She pointed with her guitar pick to one of the rooms, the door ajar. "By the way, you forgot to do up all of your mohawk..."
"I know! I know! I'll finish the job as soon as I find my Cure CD." Sephiroth stormed off toward the room Yuffie suggested. Then, Yuffie turned towards Aeris.
"Aeris? Have you gone teenie?" she asked, just plain shocked when Aeris nodded yes. "All right then. Enjoy your...TRL."
Sephiroth pushed the door to Cloud's room open so it slammed against the wall. Cloud had ignored Vincent's request to get some headphones and was on Sunny Day Real Estate's second album, still crying a river. (No, that is not a pun towards a Justin Timberlake song.) Vincent was sulking in the dark corner he had made for himself.
"Cloud, do you have my Cure CD?" Sephiroth asked, now getting irritated.
"Hmmm..." Cloud stopped to ponder a bit. "Nope, sorry." He shook his head and shrugged his shoulders, just like he does every time he is asked a question in the game itself.
"Boys Don't Cry? You call this punk?" Vincent asked, sneering. "I thought you would like...maybe The Buzzcocks or someone else. I guess your musical tastes are varied."
"You took it?" Sephiroth asked.
"It looks kind of obvious, doesn't it?"
"Give it back, Valentine."
"How about no."
"Okay then, would you like your death to be slow and painful or quick and painless?"
"Sephiroth, you seem to have forgotten that I'm a vampire."
"So?"
"So you kind of can't kill me."
"...I knew that. Give me back my CD."
"Not yet. There's one thing I have to do with it." Vincent walked across the room and into the common room, walked in front of the TV (which caused Aeris and Tifa to loudly complain) and walked onto the deck.
"What the fuck are you going to do with my CD?!" Sephiroth demanded.
"I don't know. I was kind of wondering how far I can throw."
"This is getting good," Tifa whispered to Aeris, who nodded. "Do you think we'll have a repeat of last time, with that soccer dude?" Aeris remembered the soccer dude and his GOOOOOOAL.
"Not sure."
"He's really gonna throw it!!" Tifa pointed out right as Vincent chucked that sucker off the deck and watched it fly for a little before falling into a patch of poison ivy. (Note: I like The Cure.)
"Hm. Too bad. That appears to be poison ivy."
Suddenly, the author popped up out of the patch, dressed in one of those Haz-Mat suits. She took off the headpiece and waved the CD around.
"Thanks! I was looking for that one."
"Who is she?" Sephiroth asked.
"I give you LIIIIIFE!" She paused. "Erm...maybe I'll just leave now. I want to go get a cherry ice-sucky...although it is a poor substitute for human blood. WHOOSH!" (Note: I took that cherry ice-sucky thing from SQUEE! by Jhonen Vasquez.) With that whoosh, she disappeared off into the horizon, looking for the nearest Circle K. (Strange things are afoot at the Circle K.) Everyone promptly forgot the appearance of the author because she made them. Although Vincent remembered the cherry ice-sucky tip.
"You stole my CD! For that, you shall pa--Hey! Where's my chain?" Sephiroth looked down to see the chain that held his wallet was gone.
In the other room, Yuffie was buying accessories for her newfound guitar with Sephiroth's Gold Plus credit card.
"Damn eBay auctions...you bid and then someone bids over you..." Yuffie muttered.
"Who has my chain?" Sephiroth asked. "Valentine, do you have it?"
"Why would I want to take it?"
"Hmm. Good point. Barret?"
"Ooooh gurl I'd neva hurt'chu," Barret sang in a slow, soulful voice, like Usher or...someone like Usher.
"Uh...riiiiiight," Sephiroth replied, stretching out the i in the style of Dr. Evil. "I guess not. Aeris? Tifa?"
"We've got all the money we need," Tifa replied. "Nope."
"Cid?" Sephiroth asked, headed for Cid's room, where he was watching 106th and Park and dancing along to 50 Cent.
"Go shorty! It's ya birthday! We gonna party like it's ya birthday..." Cid sang.
"CID!" Sephiroth shouted. "HAVE YOU SEEN MY WALLET?"
"Naw, dawg, I ain't seen ya wallet."
"Okay then." Sephiroth went into the animal room, which was occupied by Red and Cait Sith. "Have you two seen my wallet?"
"Nope," Red replied.
"Wait! I think I know where it went!" Cait Sith announced, then the Mog thingy did a little dance like when you first meet him in the game. The Mog handed a piece of paper to Sephiroth.
"If the shoe fits, it's probably the right size? What's that got to do with finding my wallet?"
"Okay, let me try again!" Cait Sith tried about seven more times, each time coming up with something you would probably find in a fortune cookie instead of an answer as to where Sephiroth's wallet went. Eventually, he threw a temper tantrum and got out of there.
"WHERE MY WALLET IS AT?" he screamed, holding his head.
"Crap!" Yuffie whispered right as she won a Gibson Les Paul guitar. She slipped the credit card back into its little resting place, snapped the wallet shut and looked around for a place to hide it. Eventually she just chucked it under the bed, then assumed an innocent position on the bed, typing away on the laptop.
"Yuffie, have you seen my wallet?"
"No siree, Bob, I haven't. Have you asked Cloud yet?"
"No, actually, I haven't. Thanks, anyway."
"You're welcome." As Sephiroth left, Yuffie typed "sucker" into the computer.
"Cloud?" Sephiroth asked, walking into Cloud and Vincent's room.
"What do you want?" Cloud asked, dabbing away his neverending tears. "I hate myself."
"Good for you. Have you seen my wallet?" Sephiroth asked. Cloud paused to think, then wiped away a few more tears.
"What does it look like?"
"Well...it's a black snap-shut wallet with Pantera written on it...and it's on a silver metal chain."
"Hmm...nope. Haven't seen it. Sorry."
"DAMMIT!" Sephiroth screamed.
"Hey, no need to shout," replied Cloud.
"Wait a minute. Who's the one who usually steals stuff?"
"Well, lately it's been Vincent, but before that? Yuffie."
"YUFFIE!!!!" Sephiroth screamed louder, his face turning red and the veins popping from beneath his skin.
"Yes?" Yuffie replied ever-so-innocently.
"YOU STOLE MY WALLET, DIDN'T YOU?"
"Why, of course not..."
"DON'T LIE TO ME OR I WILL KILL YOU!"
"Holy crap! Well...I kinda borrowed it..."
"WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT?"
"I...I..." Yuffie was so scared, her face was frozen in a look of pure terror. "ikindausedittobuysomestuffonebayi'llpayyoubackonceihavethemoneyreallyiwillipromise...."
"YOU USED MY WALLET TO BUY STUFF ON EBAY?"
"yes"
"GIVE IT BACK. NOW!" Yuffie searched underneath the bed for the wallet, then handed it back to Sephiroth, who stormed out of the room.
"A 'thank you' would be NICE!" Yuffie shouted back. "Bastard."
The author was floating outside the window of Cloud and Vincent's room, floating in the indian-style position, sipping on a cherry ice-sucky. Inside, Cloud was finished with Sunny Day Real Estate's second album and put on the third one. Once again, Vincent begged him to put on some friggin' headphones, but of course Cloud didn't. This caused Cloud to burst into tears again. Vincent, who was applying eyeliner, accidentally poked himself in the eye with the pencil and went off on Cloud. While he was going off on Cloud, the author sat there, eyes glazed over, straw dangling out of her mouth, look of pure amazement on her face. Did she just spot his fangs? Damn, was he hot. Oh yeah. Cherry ice-sucky straw...dangling...out of mouth...you might want to drink it...but what about the fangs...shut up and drink...fangs...drink...what if he got hungry? would you offer yourself up? YES! oh no i think i'm falling...And the author fell to the ground, but her mind was in dreamland.
"Did you hear something?" Cloud asked.
"No, I can't hear ANYTHING above that stupid music of yours."
"It sounded like someone falling."
"Disregard it. It was probably just a bird."
"Poor bird." This caused Cloud to, you guessed it, cry some more. Vincent simply sighed and continued applying eyeliner.
TRL ended, so Aeris and Tifa went to get on the laptop and download boy-band music, kicking Yuffie off the laptop. She pouted, but then went off to practice on the deck instead. Sephiroth was in his room, which he occupied by himself for some reason, listening to The Casualties turned up really loud. Barret was putting on really big sunglasses like P. Diddy's and singing "I Need a Girl". Cid was still watching BET. Red was having a big slab of meat to eat for dinner and Cait Sith was reading "Psychic Readings for Dummies". Cloud was crying, Vincent was sitting in his dark corner and the author was floating outside their window again, still drinking her cherry ice-sucky and being all...fangirl-like.
Later that night, the girls cooked a really big feast for everyone. Yuffie played songs and everyone suddenly was wearing cow costumes.
"What the fuck? Why are we wearing these pansy-ass costumes?" Cid asked.
"It's not Halloween yet," Tifa pointed out, slurping up a bunch of noodles.
"These dumplings are great," Aeris commented as she downed a gigantic dumpling.
"You made them," Cloud noted.
"So?"
"Why is that girl floating outside the window?" asked Vincent, pointing. "She's..."
"THE ONE WHO PUT US IN THESE COSTUMES!" everyone said in unison. Outside the window, the author was in hysterics.
"Cow suits! I have outdone myself. WHOOSH!" She flew off to the video store to get a mmmmmovie. It was time to play with their minds a bit more. Inside, everyone was still pigging out, as there was a lot of food left. It was all really, really, really good food because the girls knew how to cook, unlike some of the guys. The dinner table was very quiet except for normal eating sounds. The author returned from the video store and, using her sooperpowers, turned invisible for a time, inserted the video into the VCR in the common room and turned on the TV. Onscreen, the video that all the people in The Ring play (you know, then you get a phone call, blah blah) began to play. Everyone who was facing the TV sat there, mouths agape, staring. This prompted everyone else to look as well.
"I've heard about this video," Tifa said.
"So have I," Aeris and Yuffie chimed in. Yuffie was pale as a ghost.
"What the fuck?" Cid asked.
"Imma shoot this TV!" Barret warned, getting his gun ready. He was met by Vincent getting HIS gun ready to...you know, defend.
"Don't hurt it! What did it ever do to you?" Cloud asked.
"Cloud, haven't you heard of The Ring?" Red asked. Cloud shook his head. "Apparently, when this video ends, the phone will ring and the little girl on the tape will say 'Seven days', meaning, theoretically, seven days until our death." The video ended. Everyone remained quiet. The "snow" filled the screen, making a shrill static noise, then it went away and the screen filled with someone's face.
"Is this thing on? Okay. Move back?" The person, who was, of course, the author, was in the picture. "Hey guys! I was just kidding with this tape. None of you will die in seven days. Just ask Cait Sith! I just wanted to mess with your minds. Someone save some of that dinner for me. Now, go on back to eating, or whatever it was you were doing before, and have a great rest of your vacation!" Then the movie cut to the opening sequence for Days Of Our Lives. A collective sigh of relief was let out.
"Well, you heard her," Vincent said nonchalantly, eating again even though nobody else was. "Go on back to eating."
"You're the only one that wasn't scared to death of that damn tape," Sephiroth pointed out. "Which just proves my theory that you're a vampire."
"Hey, Sephiroth, do us a favor and shut up. Okay? Can you do that, or do you need some help? I'll go get your mohawk glue and glue your frickin' mouth shut with it."
"Another fight?" Yuffie asked. "Do they ever NOT fight?"
"I'm not quite sure," Aeris replied. "Let's go down to the beach!" The girls all left the table and then left the house to go down to the beach for a little while. Luckily, the little verbal exchange between Sephiroth and Vincent didn't turn ugly and everyone went back to their rooms. Cid put on The Eminem Show and began to sing along. Let's not even mention the fact that he can't sing very well. Sephiroth was jumping up and down in his room to The Casualties. Red and Cait Sith were talking about the planets and making lots of theories up. It kind of hurt their brains after awhile, so they stopped. Cloud was now listening to Jimmy Eat World (those cheaters took out their ovaries, play the emo game at emogame.com to see what I mean) and Vincent was cursing the world for no apparent reason, other than that Jimmy Eat World, and emo as a whole, really pissed him off. Barret was still doing his Usher routine, singing along to "U Got It Bad".
"I wonder if my gun makes me more sexy," he thought to himself. "Well, even if I have no fans and everyone laughs at me, Marlene will still be my #1 fan! I'll write a song about her! Oooooh baby baby my baby guuuuurl...." The girls returned from their short trip to the beach once it got really dark outside. Tifa and Aeris were singing along to bubblegum pop music while Yuffie tried to play bits and pieces of Metallica songs on her guitar. Then they all partied like it's ya birthday, and sipped Bacardi like it's ya birthday...
Riiiiiight.
Some things never change, I suppose.
AFTERWORD
The author sat in her floating house of doom which was floating above the Costa del Sol villa. She was in front of a computer, a new cherry ice-sucky next to it.
"Let's have fun!" she said gleefully, typing a few lines of code into the computer. Suddenly, the villa was in Icicle Inn. "Not fun enough yet." She typed in more lines of code and took out the heater in the villa. "Hmmm...Yeah. That's good." She sipped her cherry ice-sucky, which is still a poor substitute for human blood. Then she kind of got tired of hearing the cast whine about how cold they were, so she reluctantly changed the scenery back to Costa del Sol. "You guys are really no fun. Maybe I'll put Buffy The Vampire Slayer on TV and scare Vincent to death. Heheheh." Her glance turned. "And for all you folks at home, call me a masochist if you will." Buffy The Vampire Slayer came on TV right as Vincent turned it on. "This is where I leave you, and is also where the story ends. Until next time, folks, same bat-place, same bat-time, same bat-channel...Oh, right. I mean, um...blee blee blee blee THAT'S ALL FOLKS! No? Game over? No? WHAT CAN I USE TO END THIS FIC?" Finally, she took out a post-it note and scribbled something on it, then stuck it on her computer screen.
THE BLOODY FRIGGIN' END.