The Final Fantasy 7 Label Hour's Last Stand! (We think.)
God help us all.
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The coldest day of the summer so far was drawing to a close and a drowsy silence lay over the large, square buildings of Icicle Inn. Until...
"VALENTINE!!! GIVE ME BACK MY SPIKED BRACELET!" Sephiroth screamed.
"I need it!"
"Why do you need it?!"
"I just do."
"You don't make any sense, you fucking vampire."
"I thought I told you to stop calling me that."
"LET'S FIGHT!"
"You bore me. I'll just take your bracelet for a little while and cut things. Then I'll go find more your mom jokes."
"Come on, isn't hide-sama so hot?" Yuffie asked Aeris. (RIP HIDE-SAMA)
"No...he's got pink hair, for God's sake."
"He HAD pink hair," Yuffie said, correcting Aeris. "Sadly...he's kinda dead...anyway, onto the next band." Yuffie typed some more things on Aeris' laptop and a picture of Dir en Grey came up. "Dir en Grey. Kyo, Kaoru, Die, Toshiya, Shinya. Now you can't tell me you don't find at least one of these guys utterly attractive."
"Yuffie...I don't find guys who look like girls attractive..." Aeris said calmly. The author, who was in her portable HQ, was close to having an aneurysm. She looked at her pinup poster of Dir en Grey and sighed.
"But...but...it took me a little while to get used to them, so if I'm persistent, I can get you to like them too!" Yuffie said reasonably, typing again to make a picture of Malice Mizer (pre-Kami's-death RIP KAMI) appear on-screen. "Malice Mizer. Gackt, Mana, Kozi, Kami, Yu~ki."
"Get off the computer, I need it," Vincent suddenly said, walking into the room.
"Why?" Yuffie asked.
"So I can find some really good your mom jokes to taunt Sephiroth with. Poser..."
"All right then, I suppose." Yuffie hopped off Aeris' bed to let Vincent get on yourmom.com and went off to practice some X Japan songs she had just learned.
Cid and Barret were going to form a gangsta rap-R&B fusion duo called The Midgar Mafia. They were writing their first single, "Bitch, I Love You" together and were practicing each verse to an audience of...each other.
"Bitch, I thought I toldcha to get in da back
But you said 'Hell No' so then I snapped
You pregnant with my kid, Oh Hell, what to do
Just wanted to tell ya, bitch, I love you," Cid rapped.
"Ooooh gurl you make me feel so goooood..." Barret sang soulfully.
"Wingardium Leviosa!" Red said, waiting for Cait Sith to rise gracefully into the air, which never happened.
"I'm not convinced," replied Cait Sith. "You don't know magic, those Harry Potter books just make you think you can."
"Shut up, Cait! Go lock the door over there. I'll see if I can unlock it." Cait Sith locked the door to the room. "Alohomora!" Red shouted. "Go try the door." The door was still locked.
"I TOLD you! You don't have Harry Potter magic, okay? Now just read the books, but don't think you can actually do any of the stuff in it, because you can't." Cait Sith went back to reading "Miss Cleo's Guide to Psychic Hotlines".
Cloud was so happy. He had just found his Emo is Awesome (Emo is Evil) CD and was now listening to it. Vincent was still in Aeris and Yuffie's room writing down some really good your mom jokes to repeat to Sephiroth later on. But then he stumbled upon the math section.
"MATH? There is nothing in this world that is less funny than MATH. What dorks think math jokes are funny?" Then, he happened to look at the computer clock. "It's time for my ritual!" (Just for you, Nemesis)
"That's right, it's time for Vincent's ritual! I need to send him some candles," the author said aloud, typing a few lines of code into her master computer and hitting enter right as Sam's Club-size boxes of black and red candles rained down into Cloud and Vincent's room. "And matches." A shoebox-sized box full of matches fell on top of the candles. "Anything else? That's right, the pentagram necklace. Very important." A pentagram necklace made a plink sound as it fell on top of the matches. "Is that all? Hmmm...yep, not anything else on this list. Now we just have to write the disclaimer."
DISCLAIMER:
I'm not satanic. I don't really know what satanists do. I hope if there are any satanists out there reading this that they won't be all mad at me and try to sue me. I also hope other people don't get all up ons for me writing a satanic ritual into my story. In other words, please don't hurt me!
"Oh no, it's time for another ritual," Cloud said sadly. "I'll just sit here in the corner and cry." Another box of tissues fell from nowhereland and hit him upside his spiky white head. "Thanks!"
Sephiroth was headbanging in his room, all alone as usual (he's always roommateless) but was forced to listen to Cid and Barret practicing "Bitch, I Love You" over and over in their room, which was the next one over. This got him mad, so he kicked the wall, leaving the treads of his combat boot behind. "Oops...Oh well. I need to block them out somehow." He took out a Casualties CD and put it in his stereo, then turned it up just loud enough to drown out The Midgar Mafia. Then, he began to jump up and down and headbang all over again. "PUNK ROCK TAXI!!!"
What is a punk rock taxi? Why, it's a taxi that is punk rock! DUH!
Cloud was trying to keep his crying down to a few sniffles as Vincent lit a whole buncha candles in the shape of a pentagram.
"Why do you do this?" Cloud suddenly asked.
"Fuck! You broke my concentration."
"Sorry?"
"ANYWAY. I do this because I can."
"Do you have to sacrifice stuff?"
"Sometimes...and I'm going to sacrifice your whiny ass if you don't shut up. Now just listen to your music and cry. I'm busy."
"All right...just don't burn anything, okay? Other than the candles...of course...you're not listening to me...you're chanting something in some language I don't even know...okay...I'll shut up now..." Then Cloud cried some more.
Aeris and Tifa were watching TRL once more and being all fangirl-like when Justin Timberlake came on to do some more wimpy white R&B star-type singing. But the best time, for them, came when Avril Lavigne, who the author dislikes very greatly, came on to sing her new hit single, "I'm With YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU". This caused Sephiroth to stop his Casualties CD and come stomping out of his room, then put the video on mute and goes walked...I mean go back into his room once more.
"What happened to the sound?" Tifa asked.
"I don't know..." Aeris replied. "Oh, wait, it's probably just on mute."
"Oh! I wonder how that happened?" Tifa wondered as Aeris turned off mute and the punk poser was back in all her sound-filled "glory" yodeling once more. "It doesn't matter as long as the sound is back. Avril rocks."
"I must agree. She's fully clothed, too, so she's not slutty like Britney or Christina."
In the portable home, the author was twitching uncontrollably. She, of course, didn't agree with what Aeris and Tifa were saying, but let the story continue as normal, but not before hitting her head repeatedly against a table. Then she went out to obtain ice-sucky.
Later that cold day/night, the heater stopped functioning. It wasn't the author's fault but rather the fault of the heater, which was from a very long time ago. Everyone was forced to find alternate methods of heat. Sephiroth was, of course, quite warm and toasty in his clothes, which were all black. Cloud was bemoaning the loss of heating while Vincent threatened to kill someone, preferably himself, if Cloud didn't stop whining like a damn kid and then went to sulk in his dark corner. Aeris and Tifa decided to bring in an old metal garbage can and burn a fire inside it like a bunch of hobos while being brainwashed by--I mean watching MTV. Cid, Barret and Yuffie eventually joined Aeris and Tifa around the fire and they roasted Fluffy Puff marshmallows. Red was trying to resurrect the heater using some magic he had lifted from Harry Potter books while Cait Sith sat there being unconvinced. (Heh heh heh. Unconvinced.) Then Yuffie realized something was wrong.
"Something's wrong," she pointed out as she roasted six marshmallows on the same stick.
"What?" Tifa asked.
"Sephiroth and Vincent haven't officially fought yet."
"Good point," Aeris added. "I was wondering when that was going to happen."
"Right about now. You remember that spiked bracelet Vincent stole earlier on?" Cait Sith asked, gaining nods from everyone else. "Well..."
"And the vampire smote the big block of wood, and all was laid to burnination," Vincent commented upon seeing his work of art, which was a really big block of wood that he had carved "Sephiroth is an evil homicidal maniacal fairy poser. AND he was an accident!" onto using a combination of the spiked bracelet and his claw arm. "Now to take this thing inside." He effortlessly picked up the block of wood and took it inside, then placed it so it stood against the wall right as Sephiroth came out muttering something about needing more school glue and saw Vincent standing by the block of wood.
"Who wrote this?" Sephiroth asked angrily.
"Honestly, Sephiroth, why do you ask anymore?" Yuffie asked. "You already know that Vincent's the only one that ever does this stuff."
"She's got a point, you know," Barret said.
"I just wanna see some fightin' up in here!" Cid added. "Let's see some fightin' up in here!" Suddenly, another Latin American soccer/futbol commentator was teleported into the common room and given a really dorky-looking microphone. He began his commentary, which nobody understood because he speaks Spanish.
"What did you mean by 'And he was an accident'?" Sephiroth asked.
"It's true," Vincent replied.
"I'm an accident?" Sephiroth asked again, his face turning into this emoticon-- ;_;.
"Mmmyep."
"Well, that doesn't mean I'm not going to try to kick your ass anyway," Sephiroth hastily added. "This time we fight with weapons!!" He drew his Masamune.
"Fine by me." Vincent drew two rifles.
Sephiroth was busy checking to see if his mohawk was flying at full mast by checking its reflection in the Masamune when Vincent let six bullets off into it, leaving six nicely-constructed exit "wounds", if you will. Sephiroth's hair now smelled like a nasty thing--burning Elmer's Glue mixed with the normal smell of burning hair. The bullet wounds resembled a smiley face.
"You bastard! Don't you ever touch a white man's mohawk!" Sephiroth retorted, which caused Barret to explode in fits of laughter. "I liked my mohawk, too..."
"Well, you know, it doesn't look all that bad," Aeris commented. "The smiley face is a nice touch."
"NICE TOUCH? IT'S BURNT HAIR, YOU STUPID BITCH!" Sephiroth screamed at Aeris. "I oughta skewer you on my Masamune right here, right now!" Suddenly the author, disguised as a moogle, flew down from the sky and landed on Sephiroth's shoulder.
"You're supposed to be fighting Vincent, not conspiring to kill Aeris," she whispered to Sephiroth, then flew off once more.
"DON'T FIGHT! FIGHTING IS BAD!" Cloud whined, finally coming out of his room.
"Cloud, it's a bit too late to be saying that," Tifa pointed out. "But I will make out with you!"
"...OK!" Cloud replied. Thus, he and Tifa began to make out. Everyone was watching them and the soccer commentator was saying stuff in Spanish before Sephiroth cleared his throat and waved the Masamune around menacingly.
"Oh, and I forgot to mention." The moogle descended down from the rooftop once more. "I should've banned weapons. Yuffie, if you'd be so kind?" Yuffie nodded and, in a flash, dashed by, leaving with the Masamune and Vincent's rifles. "Perfect. You get a cookie. I'm outta here." She disappeared once more.
"Wait, shouldn't you take away his claw arm too?" Sephiroth asked the ceiling. The moogle's head appeared.
"No. Then he'd only be one-armed. Bye now!"
"Shit. That stupid fucking vampire had to go and get all fucked up and shit...ain't good for nothing...I'm much hotter than him anyway..." Sephiroth mused to the ceiling when he was tapped on the shoulder. He turned around and saw Chaos had appeared, then gulped as Chaos punched him, which ended up knocking Sephiroth out.
"You got knocked the hell out!" everyone said, standing above Sephiroth, whose mohawk was coming undone, still with the happy face bullet wounds in.
"Finally!" Yuffie added as an afterthought. Then, suddenly, Cid declared that everyone was to party like it was their "birfday", so everyone did except for Cloud and Tifa, who really should get a room...and Sephiroth, of course, because he was knocked the hell out.
"Then, later that ni--What? We're finished? There won't be enough time for the hot Shizuka and Vincent makeout scene? You gotta be kidding me, there's always time for stuff like that, I'll make time for stuff like that and...What? I can't? Who says I can't? The time-space continuum? Who thought of that one? Goddamn their eyes!"
Shizuka took out another post-it note and scribbled on it, then placed it on the computer screen. It read: "And Shizuka and Vincent made out, and all was laid to burnination" with a picture of Trogdor on it. Satisfied, she took out another post-it note and scribbled on it, then placed it next to the first one. "And also...
THE BLOODY FRIGGIN END."
God help us all.
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The coldest day of the summer so far was drawing to a close and a drowsy silence lay over the large, square buildings of Icicle Inn. Until...
"VALENTINE!!! GIVE ME BACK MY SPIKED BRACELET!" Sephiroth screamed.
"I need it!"
"Why do you need it?!"
"I just do."
"You don't make any sense, you fucking vampire."
"I thought I told you to stop calling me that."
"LET'S FIGHT!"
"You bore me. I'll just take your bracelet for a little while and cut things. Then I'll go find more your mom jokes."
"Come on, isn't hide-sama so hot?" Yuffie asked Aeris. (RIP HIDE-SAMA)
"No...he's got pink hair, for God's sake."
"He HAD pink hair," Yuffie said, correcting Aeris. "Sadly...he's kinda dead...anyway, onto the next band." Yuffie typed some more things on Aeris' laptop and a picture of Dir en Grey came up. "Dir en Grey. Kyo, Kaoru, Die, Toshiya, Shinya. Now you can't tell me you don't find at least one of these guys utterly attractive."
"Yuffie...I don't find guys who look like girls attractive..." Aeris said calmly. The author, who was in her portable HQ, was close to having an aneurysm. She looked at her pinup poster of Dir en Grey and sighed.
"But...but...it took me a little while to get used to them, so if I'm persistent, I can get you to like them too!" Yuffie said reasonably, typing again to make a picture of Malice Mizer (pre-Kami's-death RIP KAMI) appear on-screen. "Malice Mizer. Gackt, Mana, Kozi, Kami, Yu~ki."
"Get off the computer, I need it," Vincent suddenly said, walking into the room.
"Why?" Yuffie asked.
"So I can find some really good your mom jokes to taunt Sephiroth with. Poser..."
"All right then, I suppose." Yuffie hopped off Aeris' bed to let Vincent get on yourmom.com and went off to practice some X Japan songs she had just learned.
Cid and Barret were going to form a gangsta rap-R&B fusion duo called The Midgar Mafia. They were writing their first single, "Bitch, I Love You" together and were practicing each verse to an audience of...each other.
"Bitch, I thought I toldcha to get in da back
But you said 'Hell No' so then I snapped
You pregnant with my kid, Oh Hell, what to do
Just wanted to tell ya, bitch, I love you," Cid rapped.
"Ooooh gurl you make me feel so goooood..." Barret sang soulfully.
"Wingardium Leviosa!" Red said, waiting for Cait Sith to rise gracefully into the air, which never happened.
"I'm not convinced," replied Cait Sith. "You don't know magic, those Harry Potter books just make you think you can."
"Shut up, Cait! Go lock the door over there. I'll see if I can unlock it." Cait Sith locked the door to the room. "Alohomora!" Red shouted. "Go try the door." The door was still locked.
"I TOLD you! You don't have Harry Potter magic, okay? Now just read the books, but don't think you can actually do any of the stuff in it, because you can't." Cait Sith went back to reading "Miss Cleo's Guide to Psychic Hotlines".
Cloud was so happy. He had just found his Emo is Awesome (Emo is Evil) CD and was now listening to it. Vincent was still in Aeris and Yuffie's room writing down some really good your mom jokes to repeat to Sephiroth later on. But then he stumbled upon the math section.
"MATH? There is nothing in this world that is less funny than MATH. What dorks think math jokes are funny?" Then, he happened to look at the computer clock. "It's time for my ritual!" (Just for you, Nemesis)
"That's right, it's time for Vincent's ritual! I need to send him some candles," the author said aloud, typing a few lines of code into her master computer and hitting enter right as Sam's Club-size boxes of black and red candles rained down into Cloud and Vincent's room. "And matches." A shoebox-sized box full of matches fell on top of the candles. "Anything else? That's right, the pentagram necklace. Very important." A pentagram necklace made a plink sound as it fell on top of the matches. "Is that all? Hmmm...yep, not anything else on this list. Now we just have to write the disclaimer."
DISCLAIMER:
I'm not satanic. I don't really know what satanists do. I hope if there are any satanists out there reading this that they won't be all mad at me and try to sue me. I also hope other people don't get all up ons for me writing a satanic ritual into my story. In other words, please don't hurt me!
"Oh no, it's time for another ritual," Cloud said sadly. "I'll just sit here in the corner and cry." Another box of tissues fell from nowhereland and hit him upside his spiky white head. "Thanks!"
Sephiroth was headbanging in his room, all alone as usual (he's always roommateless) but was forced to listen to Cid and Barret practicing "Bitch, I Love You" over and over in their room, which was the next one over. This got him mad, so he kicked the wall, leaving the treads of his combat boot behind. "Oops...Oh well. I need to block them out somehow." He took out a Casualties CD and put it in his stereo, then turned it up just loud enough to drown out The Midgar Mafia. Then, he began to jump up and down and headbang all over again. "PUNK ROCK TAXI!!!"
What is a punk rock taxi? Why, it's a taxi that is punk rock! DUH!
Cloud was trying to keep his crying down to a few sniffles as Vincent lit a whole buncha candles in the shape of a pentagram.
"Why do you do this?" Cloud suddenly asked.
"Fuck! You broke my concentration."
"Sorry?"
"ANYWAY. I do this because I can."
"Do you have to sacrifice stuff?"
"Sometimes...and I'm going to sacrifice your whiny ass if you don't shut up. Now just listen to your music and cry. I'm busy."
"All right...just don't burn anything, okay? Other than the candles...of course...you're not listening to me...you're chanting something in some language I don't even know...okay...I'll shut up now..." Then Cloud cried some more.
Aeris and Tifa were watching TRL once more and being all fangirl-like when Justin Timberlake came on to do some more wimpy white R&B star-type singing. But the best time, for them, came when Avril Lavigne, who the author dislikes very greatly, came on to sing her new hit single, "I'm With YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU". This caused Sephiroth to stop his Casualties CD and come stomping out of his room, then put the video on mute and goes walked...I mean go back into his room once more.
"What happened to the sound?" Tifa asked.
"I don't know..." Aeris replied. "Oh, wait, it's probably just on mute."
"Oh! I wonder how that happened?" Tifa wondered as Aeris turned off mute and the punk poser was back in all her sound-filled "glory" yodeling once more. "It doesn't matter as long as the sound is back. Avril rocks."
"I must agree. She's fully clothed, too, so she's not slutty like Britney or Christina."
In the portable home, the author was twitching uncontrollably. She, of course, didn't agree with what Aeris and Tifa were saying, but let the story continue as normal, but not before hitting her head repeatedly against a table. Then she went out to obtain ice-sucky.
Later that cold day/night, the heater stopped functioning. It wasn't the author's fault but rather the fault of the heater, which was from a very long time ago. Everyone was forced to find alternate methods of heat. Sephiroth was, of course, quite warm and toasty in his clothes, which were all black. Cloud was bemoaning the loss of heating while Vincent threatened to kill someone, preferably himself, if Cloud didn't stop whining like a damn kid and then went to sulk in his dark corner. Aeris and Tifa decided to bring in an old metal garbage can and burn a fire inside it like a bunch of hobos while being brainwashed by--I mean watching MTV. Cid, Barret and Yuffie eventually joined Aeris and Tifa around the fire and they roasted Fluffy Puff marshmallows. Red was trying to resurrect the heater using some magic he had lifted from Harry Potter books while Cait Sith sat there being unconvinced. (Heh heh heh. Unconvinced.) Then Yuffie realized something was wrong.
"Something's wrong," she pointed out as she roasted six marshmallows on the same stick.
"What?" Tifa asked.
"Sephiroth and Vincent haven't officially fought yet."
"Good point," Aeris added. "I was wondering when that was going to happen."
"Right about now. You remember that spiked bracelet Vincent stole earlier on?" Cait Sith asked, gaining nods from everyone else. "Well..."
"And the vampire smote the big block of wood, and all was laid to burnination," Vincent commented upon seeing his work of art, which was a really big block of wood that he had carved "Sephiroth is an evil homicidal maniacal fairy poser. AND he was an accident!" onto using a combination of the spiked bracelet and his claw arm. "Now to take this thing inside." He effortlessly picked up the block of wood and took it inside, then placed it so it stood against the wall right as Sephiroth came out muttering something about needing more school glue and saw Vincent standing by the block of wood.
"Who wrote this?" Sephiroth asked angrily.
"Honestly, Sephiroth, why do you ask anymore?" Yuffie asked. "You already know that Vincent's the only one that ever does this stuff."
"She's got a point, you know," Barret said.
"I just wanna see some fightin' up in here!" Cid added. "Let's see some fightin' up in here!" Suddenly, another Latin American soccer/futbol commentator was teleported into the common room and given a really dorky-looking microphone. He began his commentary, which nobody understood because he speaks Spanish.
"What did you mean by 'And he was an accident'?" Sephiroth asked.
"It's true," Vincent replied.
"I'm an accident?" Sephiroth asked again, his face turning into this emoticon-- ;_;.
"Mmmyep."
"Well, that doesn't mean I'm not going to try to kick your ass anyway," Sephiroth hastily added. "This time we fight with weapons!!" He drew his Masamune.
"Fine by me." Vincent drew two rifles.
Sephiroth was busy checking to see if his mohawk was flying at full mast by checking its reflection in the Masamune when Vincent let six bullets off into it, leaving six nicely-constructed exit "wounds", if you will. Sephiroth's hair now smelled like a nasty thing--burning Elmer's Glue mixed with the normal smell of burning hair. The bullet wounds resembled a smiley face.
"You bastard! Don't you ever touch a white man's mohawk!" Sephiroth retorted, which caused Barret to explode in fits of laughter. "I liked my mohawk, too..."
"Well, you know, it doesn't look all that bad," Aeris commented. "The smiley face is a nice touch."
"NICE TOUCH? IT'S BURNT HAIR, YOU STUPID BITCH!" Sephiroth screamed at Aeris. "I oughta skewer you on my Masamune right here, right now!" Suddenly the author, disguised as a moogle, flew down from the sky and landed on Sephiroth's shoulder.
"You're supposed to be fighting Vincent, not conspiring to kill Aeris," she whispered to Sephiroth, then flew off once more.
"DON'T FIGHT! FIGHTING IS BAD!" Cloud whined, finally coming out of his room.
"Cloud, it's a bit too late to be saying that," Tifa pointed out. "But I will make out with you!"
"...OK!" Cloud replied. Thus, he and Tifa began to make out. Everyone was watching them and the soccer commentator was saying stuff in Spanish before Sephiroth cleared his throat and waved the Masamune around menacingly.
"Oh, and I forgot to mention." The moogle descended down from the rooftop once more. "I should've banned weapons. Yuffie, if you'd be so kind?" Yuffie nodded and, in a flash, dashed by, leaving with the Masamune and Vincent's rifles. "Perfect. You get a cookie. I'm outta here." She disappeared once more.
"Wait, shouldn't you take away his claw arm too?" Sephiroth asked the ceiling. The moogle's head appeared.
"No. Then he'd only be one-armed. Bye now!"
"Shit. That stupid fucking vampire had to go and get all fucked up and shit...ain't good for nothing...I'm much hotter than him anyway..." Sephiroth mused to the ceiling when he was tapped on the shoulder. He turned around and saw Chaos had appeared, then gulped as Chaos punched him, which ended up knocking Sephiroth out.
"You got knocked the hell out!" everyone said, standing above Sephiroth, whose mohawk was coming undone, still with the happy face bullet wounds in.
"Finally!" Yuffie added as an afterthought. Then, suddenly, Cid declared that everyone was to party like it was their "birfday", so everyone did except for Cloud and Tifa, who really should get a room...and Sephiroth, of course, because he was knocked the hell out.
"Then, later that ni--What? We're finished? There won't be enough time for the hot Shizuka and Vincent makeout scene? You gotta be kidding me, there's always time for stuff like that, I'll make time for stuff like that and...What? I can't? Who says I can't? The time-space continuum? Who thought of that one? Goddamn their eyes!"
Shizuka took out another post-it note and scribbled on it, then placed it on the computer screen. It read: "And Shizuka and Vincent made out, and all was laid to burnination" with a picture of Trogdor on it. Satisfied, she took out another post-it note and scribbled on it, then placed it next to the first one. "And also...
THE BLOODY FRIGGIN END."