Old Author's Note (Abridged): PLEASE READ THIS! The Lucius angst begins in this chapter; most of it is about him trying to cope with the abuse he suffered as a child, which is going to trigger a depressive episode. If that is not your thing, you might want to leave now. The chapters are written in 3rd person, but each section is focused on either Draco's or Lucius' POV. Any negative remarks about how either of them react to anything are *not* my opinion, but rather their own. I just want to make clear the fact that I, personally think that they are both very strong characters to survive what the have; they, on the other hand, (and especially Lucius) see themselves in a more negative light.
Disclaimer: They're not mine. You knew that.
My Angel is a Dragon, My Devil is a Snake
-Catspook
Chapter 2: Teddy Bears and Baby Things
"The train is set to leave soon, " Lucius reminded Draco three hours later. "Are you sure you don't want to come home? Even for just a week?"
Three children had lost a parent in the battle, one other lost a brother, and many others had sustained injuries that had had to be treated at St. Mungo's. Therefore, Dumbledore had declared that Hogwarts would open on time, but the Hogwarts Express would run again a week from today so that students who chose to or needed to stay with their families could do so. Many had already left, and those that hadn't where either already on the train or saying tearful goodbyes to their parents.
Draco looked at Lucius sadly, "I do want to, father, but I know that if I go home now, I'll never have the strength to leave again. I don't want to be afraid forever." Lucius smiled and brushed a lock of Draco's hair back.
"You're a braver man than I am, son."
The five-minute warning whistle blew, and Hades flapped restlessly in his cage. Draco blinked mist away from his eyes; he didn't want to leave his father, but he knew he had to.
"Goodbye, father." Draco hugged Lucius tightly, and Lucius hugged back just as tightly. When they finally broke apart, Draco picked up Hades' cage and climbed the narrow, metal stairs onto the train. Lucius stood to the side, and Draco bent over the rail, trying desperately to keep from crying. Lucius reached up and covered Draco's hand with his own. "Owl me tonight so that I know you got there safely, precious."
"All right."
"I'll miss you."
"I know. I'll miss you too." Draco needed to get out of there before he started bawling in front of everyone. Lucius seemed to understand.
He smiled and said, "Hurry on now and find a compartment. And don't forget to send an owl." The final whistle blew, and an instant after that, the train began to move.
"Goodbye, father," Draco called. Lucius smiled at him, and Draco forced himself to enter the car before he lost his nerve and jumped back onto the platform. He hated how frightened he was of being separated from his father and returning to Hogwarts. Taking a deep breath, Draco smoothed back his hair and went in search of an empty compartment.
There were many, but after several minutes sitting in one, Draco realized he didn't want to be alone. He wandered from compartment to compartment, looking for an acceptable companion. Now that all his former friends were off to Durmstrang, and Lucius had changed his politics, he had to start from scratch. Finally, near the back of the train, he found Millicent Bulstrode sitting alone with her old, scraggly cat purring loudly in her lap.
"Hello, Millicent."
"Uh, hello, Draco." Millicent looked vastly confused to have Draco speaking to her. That wasn't terribly surprising; the truth was that hadn't spoken much in the past four years, but Draco had few options, and perhaps Millicent could be a reasonable replacement for Crabbe or Goyle.
"May I come in?"
"Um, sure." Millicent eyed him warily as he sat in the adjacent seat, placing Hades' cage next to him. "Are you, uh, feeling better now?"
Draco frowned slightly; he was probably going to be asked that question a hundred times in the next week, and probably many others of an even more personal nature. "Yes. I'd rather not talk about it, if you don't mind."
Millicent flushed in embarrassment. Right away, that placed her head and shoulders above Crabbe and Goyle; she was intelligent enough to figure out that she had offended him, and she actually gave a damn. "Sorry," she muttered.
"It's all right. I'm just tired." Millicent smiled shyly and went back to petting her cat. Draco gazed out the window, watching the mundane scenery fly by. He missed his father already. Unconsciously, Draco drew his knees up to his chest and rested his head on them.
"Are you sure you're all right?" Millicent asked quietly. Draco glanced at her sharply. She didn't seem to have any ulterior motives nor any malicious intent in asking.
"I'm fine," Draco replied sternly.
"All right," Millicent replied, cowed.
Draco felt bad; he was used to Crabbe and Goyle, who were so thick that they never picked up on his casual insults. He would have to remember that Millicent seemed rather sensitive if he wanted her as a friend. "How are you?"
Millicent glanced up, surprise evident in her voice. "Fine."
"So how long has Valini been dating Potter?"
"Uh, since a couple of months before last term ended. Why?"
"I saw them back at the station. How did everyone react?"
"What do you mean?"
Okay, so maybe she wasn't that bright. "A Slytherin dating the golden boy of Gryffindor?"
"Oh, that. Blaise's goal is to unite the houses. He stated making friends with the Gryffindors right after You-Know-Who fell and everyone found out he was a muggle-born. It took a while, but now inter-house dating is cool."
Draco was shocked; had Valini destroyed in three months a rivalry that had lasted for a thousand years? Why hadn't Professor Snape mentioned it? "How did the Slytherins take it? Pansy, for example."
Millicent grinned slyly; Draco had always suspected that she and Pansy never really got on well. "She was mad, but Sally-Anne kind of took over the Slytherin girls. Pansy didn't come back after the Easter holidays; her parents probably sent her to Durmstrang, although she seemed to like Beauxbatons a lot too."
"She doesn't speak French," Draco replied absentmindedly. A mudblood was now the Queen of Slytherin? That probably meant, "I guess that means Valini is the leader of the boys now."
Millicent shrugged; she knew what implications that fact had for him. "I guess. Things could change, though."
Draco considered that. Did he even want to be the King of Slytherin if everyone wanted to date Gryffindors and... "What else has everyone been doing?"
"Well, Blaise had gotten everyone into muggle music and he got Margaret Smythe to rig up the ceiling in the Great Hall so he can play films on it."
"What are films?"
"Muggle things. They're like, um, portraits except they tell a story and keep changing scenes like a play."
"Oh." Draco frowned; no, it didn't sound like he wanted to be the King of Slytherin anymore. Well, at least he'd be under less stress, especially considering he was also giving up quidditch. He'd never really liked the game anyway. He'd just played in an effort to one-up Potter and make his father proud, but Lucius had told him that he didn't have to play anymore if he didn't want to.
Conversation dwindled after that. Draco had to think over things, and Millicent just wasn't the chatty type. At least, Draco didn't think she was; he didn't know her very well. In any case, they spoke very little for the rest of the journey, but Draco was glad for her company.
O~O~O~O~O
Lucius watched the train depart feeling completely empty inside. He was so proud of Draco for going back and finishing his education, but Lucius did not know what he was going to do now that Draco was gone. Lucius had resigned from his position at the ministry; he had told Draco it was because his time with Draco had shown him how really tedious that job was, but the fact of the matter was that Lucius knew he just wasn't capable of going back to work.
Draco may have recovered from Crouch's attack, but Lucius had not yet even begun to deal with the memories of Abraxas that had resurfaced. He had promised himself that he would deal with them once Draco was back at school, but now that the time had come he found himself terrified of facing the memories alone. He stood, motionless, on the platform, gripping the head of his cane tightly, deeply ashamed to discover that he didn't have the courage to apparate back to his own home. Never mind that it was the same place where Abraxas had raped and tortured him.
"Malfoy?"
"What do you want?" Lucius snarled at whoever had been fool enough to approach him in the mood he was in.
Arthur Weasley frowned at him but did not back away. "Why were they after Draco?"
Lucius glared at the blasted muggle-lover with all the hate he felt. "What business it that of yours?" Lucius sneered.
Weasley's eyes narrowed, but he stood his ground; stupid Gryffindor. "I never thought you'd change so much for your boy. I never thought you'd change at all."
"You don't know anything about me," Lucius growled hatefully and apparated before Weasley could respond. Now alone in the ballroom of Malfoy manor, Lucius didn't know what to do, an entirely unfamiliar feeling. As a child, he had done whatever he could to try to keep Abraxas from hurting him. After that, his life was devoted to the Dark Lord and his cause. And of course, Draco was his reason for being from the day the boy was born.
Lucius had filled the times when Draco was away at school with work, but that was obviously no longer an option. If Lucius had been a brave man, he would have walked to the dungeons, or his old bedroom, or even his father's tomb and confront the old man. But Lucius knew that he was not a brave man. He fled to one of the smaller libraries, which contained the numerous photo albums he had filled with pictures of Draco. If Lucius couldn't have his son with him, he could at least pretend for a while.
O~O~O~O~O
"We're here," Millicent said as the train pulled into the station at Hogsmeade. Draco nodded sleepily. He grabbed Hades' cage and exited the train, Millicent and her cat (now in a wicker carrier) close behind him. The few first years who had decided to take the train clustered together, looking scared. Potter, Granger, and Valini tried to calm them, but when Hagrid appeared they all stared at him, clearly intimidated.
Valini (and Potter, the self-righteous twit) volunteered to take the boats with them, but Hagrid insisted that he could handle them. The carriage ride and walk to the Great Hall was very subdued. Valini and Potter seemed unwilling to separate when it came time to sit at their house tables, but Granger pointed out that Valini should be there to greet the new Slytherin first years.
In searching for Professor Snape at his usual seat, Draco noticed, to his horror, Sirius Black at the Professor's table. Was he the new DADA professor? It seemed likely; especially considering the murderous looks Snape was sending Black.
The sorting was very short. Only thirteen first years had taken the train today. Five went to Gryffindor, three to Ravenclaw, three to Hufflepuff, and only two went to Slytherin. The feast was luxurious as usual, but many people didn't feel like eating. Valini prodded the two, little, Slytherin first years (Lillith Xavier and Jeffrey Pygmalion) with humor, but most of the students sat in near silence, picking at their food. Black and Potter kept exchanging glances as the golden trio chatted quietly with each other. Draco was glad for Millicent's silence; he didn't feel like speaking.
When the feast was over, Dumbledore gave the usual announcements (Black indeed was the new DADA professor, damn it all), along with a few additional comments, "Due to the excitement of this past day, classes will be canceled tomorrow," there were a few quiet cheers and a pitifully crushed expression formed on Granger's face, "Furthermore, for the second through seventh years, the class material will primarily focus on review until the rest of our classmates can join us next week. I think, also, that we shall reserve the singing of the school song until we can all enjoy it. If any of you have need, do not hesitate to go to our wonderful nurse, Madam Pomfrey for a sleeping potion, or talk to your prefects or heads of house. Good night and sleep well."
Valini blew Potter a kiss then rounded up the two Slytherin first years, leading them to the dungeons. Draco followed slightly behind them, suddenly remembering that he was supposed to have gone to the prefects' car for a short meeting during the train ride. But somehow he suspected that they weren't really standing on ceremony today; half of the prefects hadn't even been on the train.
Pygmalion strutted after Valini as if he were quite nervous but trying too hard to pretend that he wasn't. Xavier, who, to judge by the plastic clips in her hair, was either a mudblood or a half-blood, asked timidly, "Is it safe?"
Valini grinned, "Safe? You kidding? The Slytherin dorms are in the dungeon, like a giant bomb shelter. There isn't a safer place in the whole school."
Xavier smiled shyly, and Pygmalion rolled his eyes at Valini as if the tanned boy's antics were beneath him. Draco suspected that he would get along quite well with Pygmalion. Valini gave the first years a short orientation lecture before sending them off to bed. Draco suddenly realized how late it was; no wonder Dumbledore had thought to cancel tomorrow's classes.
Draco yawned widely and scowled, because he had just remembered that he had to send a letter to his father tonight. He was not looking forward to trekking all the way to the owlery and back. Thankfully, Draco found Hades waiting for him in the dorm when he went for his parchment and quills. The owl must have squeezed in through one of the dungeon's small, highly placed windows.
That was certainly convenient, and Draco should have expected it from one of the impeccably bred and rigorously trained Malfoy owls. Draco smiled at Hades and dug through his trunk for his stationary, but buried under his spare uniforms, he found something he didn't expect. It was a stuffed toy, of all things; a large panther with incredibly soft white-blond fur and skillfully crafted sliver and glass eyes. It felt warm, like a live animal, and tied around it's neck with a green and silver ribbon was a sealed letter bearing the Malfoy crest. Glancing about to make sure that Valini didn't find him holding a stuffed toy, Draco opened the letter. Obviously, it was from his father.
Draco,
I hope you aren't too embarrassed by this gift. Ii is handcrafted and expensive if that makes you feel better. I was worried that you might have trouble sleeping in the dorms; I know how cold they can get. This panther is charmed to give off heat and wake you if you are having a nightmare - it will respond to any sounds of distress and become ice cold until you wake and say 'thermos'. If you don't like it, bury it at the bottom of your trunk; but if it becomes very cold some night, please use it. I don't want you catching ill either from the cold or having to stay up all night maintaining a heat spell (hide it in a pillow case if you're worried about being seen sleeping with a stuffed animal). Sleep well, my dragon.
love, Father
Draco knew why Lucius had chosen a panther; while Draco had studied last summer, Lucius had undertaken his own academic project and become ananimagus; his animal form was a pale blond panther. Draco stroked the panther's head thoughtfully. He had been worrying about the nightmares, which were always worse when he slept alone, but Draco didn't want to unnecessarily risk Valini seeing him with a stuffed animal. He'd save it for when the weather got really cold.
After he buried the panther under all his school supplies (in case Valini got it in his treacherous head to take a peek inside Draco's trunk), Draco pulled out parchment and quills to write the letter to his father.
Father,
I got to school okay. The train ride was fine; there were no problems. I spent most of the time with Millicent Bulstrode; I think she might be an acceptable replacement for Crabbe and Goyle. She's more intelligent by far then the both of them put together, and she knows when to keep her mouth shut as well. Dumbledore canceled classes for tomorrow so that we can sleep in. I want to enjoy it, so don't send Hades back too early. It's late, so I'm going to bed now.
Love,
Draco
As an afterthought, Draco added,
ps: Thanks for the panther. I'll use it when it gets cold.
Draco tied the letter to Hades' leg and sent the owl off, once again thankful that he did not have to walk all the way to the owlery and back. Draco then pulled his lush, green bathrobe out of his trunk and headed to the showers, careful to lock his trunk before leaving the room.
When Draco returned, sleepy from the steam and hot water, he found Valini digging through his own trunk for his shower supplies. "Evenin', Draco," Valini greeted cheerfully.
"Mm," Draco had neither the energy nor the inclination to gave a more substantial reply. Valini didn't press it; just grinned idiotically and returned to his search, muttering; "Don't know why I always put him at the bottom...damn silly of me, really." Too tired to care who 'he' was, Draco knelt down by his own trunk and pulled out a silk dressing gown (green and silver, of course).
Draco jumped when Valini declared, "Aha! There you are!" Draco glared at his roommate, surprised to find the tanned boy holding a very worn, stuffed bear aloof like a trophy.
"What, by Merlin, is that?" Draco sneered.
Valini frowned at him. "This is Gabriel," he replied seriously, clutching the tattered toy to his chest like a four-year-old. "He's mine, so don't touch."
Draco sneered even more. "I wouldn't touch that disgusting thing with a ten foot pole."
"Ha! I bet you don't even have a teddy."
"So sure are you?" Draco scoffed, and dug the panther out of his trunk. "It's handcrafted and spelled to provide heat," he bragged, stroking its soft fur.
Valini turned up his nose, but in a decidedly playful manner. "You can tell he hasn't been loved, not like my Gabriel." Valini then tossed the bear onto his bed, grabbed his shower supplies, and sauntered out. But at the door he turned and repeated, "Don't touch; I'm warning you."
Irritating git. Draco yawned widely, dressed quickly, and climbed into bed, pulling the panther in with him. He pulled the curtains closed and snuggled into the thick blankets. The weather outside was relatively warm, but in the dungeons the nights always had a certain bite to them, no matter the temperature outside. Holding the warm body of the panther close, Draco felt himself drifting off.
"G'night, father," Draco murmured sleepily, even though he was reasonably sure that Lucius could not hear him.
O~O~O~O~O
Lucius put the last of the albums away carefully, mildly surprised to realize that night had long since fallen. He should be hungry, having not eaten since breakfast, but he wasn't. He started to call Dibby to bring him something anyway, but then remembered that Draco was gone, and he no longer had to set an example. Lucius curled up in one of the plush, library chairs, ashamed of the fear that was welling up in him.
As much as he tried to tell himself that he was merely missing his son, he knew that he truly *needed* the boy. Draco was his reason for being; when he was home, Lucius knew exactly what he was supposed to do. But he wasn't there just then, and Lucius had to figure out how to get by without him.
He was a feared, respected, and powerful wizard; surely he could figure out how to get through a night alone in his own home? But whatever he knew, intellectually, to be true, Lucius was scared. He kept expecting Abraxas to come sweeping into the library, enraged that Lucius had dared to... well, whatever Lucius did, it had never really seemed to matter much. Abraxas had always been able to find some aspect of his conduct unacceptable. Lucius knew, looking back, that Abraxas had hurt him because he enjoyed it; but after years of Abraxas always making it out to be Lucius' fault, he found it difficult to break himself of the habit.
And there was much that was Lucius' fault; he knew that he would regret what he had done to Draco for the rest of his life, and perhaps beyond, if he became a ghost. Lucius sat stewing in these dark thought until he was startled by an owl alighting on the table next to him.
"Hades!" Lucius declared happily, ecstatic at the diversion, "What does Draco have to tell me?" After removing the letter, and sending Hades off to the owlery, Lucius opened it greedily; he treasured any kind word from his son. Lucius read the message several times over, smiling slightly. Draco had appreciated the present Lucius had hidden in his trunk. Of course, he may have only been saying that to make Lucius happy, but even that small kindness was more than Lucius had ever received from anyone else.
As long as Draco loved him, Lucius had a reason to live; Abraxas be damned. Finally having worked up the courage to climb out of that chair, Lucius slowly made his way back to his rooms, clutching the letter tightly. Lucius placed the letter on his nightstand, as a memento, but also as a reminder to reply to it in the morning. Lucius knew that he desperately needed to take a bath before going to bed, but as he entered the silent bathroom, he could feel the fear creeping up on him again.
He quickly turned on the taps, hoping that the sound of rushing water would be enough to fill the terrifying void, but it was not. He needed the sound of other human voices. "Dibby!" Lucius yelled suddenly; why hadn't he thought of this before?
"Yeses, master Lucius, sir?" the pathetic elf groveled. "Bring me a wizard wireless. There should be one in with Draco's baby things."
Most, if not all, of the music broadcast over the wizard wireless was trite and meaningless, but it had helped lull Draco to sleep as a baby. Lucius hoped it might do the same for him. Lucius did not undress until Dibby had returned with the sleek, black box (Draco had deserved the most expensive model, after all), not wanting to feel any more vulnerable than he already was.
Lucius snatched the wireless from the trembling elf and switched it on. He scanned through the different frequencies, finally settling on a collection of modern music. He wanted to hear voices; not just the instruments of classical music. Finally feeling safer, Lucius undressed and sank into the bathtub. He did feel better; as silly as it seemed.
Lucius washed his hair thoroughly, and swam a few laps around the tub, letting the inane chatter of the announcer drown out the threats of Abraxas. When he was finally clean, Lucius dried off and changed into a sleeping gown, carrying the wireless with him to bed. Perhaps he could actually get some sleep this night. But before he climbed under the covers, he walked over to his wardrobe and pulled out a most unusual object.
When Lucius had commissioned the stuffed panther for Draco, he had had also requested another animal. The craftswitch had thought that both were for his child (though she did not know that Draco was fifteen), but Lucius had always intended the second animal for himself. He had known that he, also, would have trouble sleeping alone, and therefore, he had had a white, silver, and gold dragon made to match the panther.
The scaly material that made up the bulk of its sleek body was deceptively soft, and it also had a glorious mane of white-blond hair. It was wingless, and, all in all, looked very Eastern. Just like the panther, it was charmed to give off heat and wake Lucius from any nightmares. Lucius held it close; if he could not have his precious with him, he was going to have his namesake, no matter how childish it might seem to others.
Lucius, of course, would be mortified it anyone found out that he was intending on sleeping with a stuffed dragon, but with the threat of Abraxas looming, Lucius really couldn't give a damn. Lucius climbed into bed, the dragon held tightly in his arms. Between its comforting warmth and the music of the wireless, he worked up the courage to close his eyes from time to time. But despite all these comforts, Lucius did not actually relax enough to sleep until after the first streaks of daylight became visible over the horizon.
* End Chapter 2 *