Break Down

Ron couldn't remember anything else that happened that day. He felt numb; shocked, even though he had known it was coming.

He woke up groggily the next morning and sat there for a long, long while. Maybe if he didn't get up something would happen. Something - anything - to bring her back.

Harry was still sleeping, or so it appeared to Ron. He supposed it looked like he was sleeping, too; he stayed still so no would come and bother him, or see him crying again. Boys don't cry, especially not 17-year-old ones.

There was a soft knock on the door. "Boys," Mrs. Granger called softly. "I know you're awake. It's eleven o'clock already. It's time to get up and face the world."

Ron pulled the covers over his head. He didn't want to face the world, and he didn't want the world to see him - they wouldn't understand. Harry, however, sat up and put on his glasses.

"Come on, Ron," he said. "You can't hide forever."

Ron sighed. Harry was right. And he didn't want to hide forever, just until the pain went away.

"The longer you keep it bottled up inside, the worse it will be when you finally let it out," Harry said wisely. He had been through this kind of thing before. Ron could believe him, trust him. And so he got up and they went downstairs to the kitchen.

Everyone was sitting in the living room, quietly talking. Ron recognized Hermione's father, but not the others - they were probably relatives he had never met. They all had red, puffy, watery eyes and looked like they hadn't slept either. But tears were gone now; they were just talking about the good times.

Ron didn't want to hear about it, so he was grateful when Mrs. Granger called he and Harry into the kitchen.

"I know you're probably not hungry, but I want you to eat something," she said, placing a platter of biscuits on the table as the two boys sat down.

Ron wasn't hungry, but he had to humor Mrs. Granger. This is hard for her too, he had to keep reminding himself. I'm not the only one who loved Hermione. He plucked a biscuit from the plate and began to pick off miniscule bits, which he rolled into balls and slowly choked down.

"By the way," Mrs. Granger continued. "This letter came for you early this morning." Ron and Harry looked up. "It's addressed to both of you," she explained. "You know, I still can't get used to this 'owl post' idea." She chuckled a little as if unsure weather to laugh or make jokes during this time of grief. She put the letter between Ron and Harry and joined the others in the living room.

"It's from Dumbledore," Harry said, looking at the letter.

"How do you know?" Ron asked.

"I recognize the handwriting."

Ron picked up the letter and opened it, reading out loud to Harry.

Harry and Ron,

I am very sorry about the loss you both have suffered. However, it is imperative that you both return to school immediately. Harry, you agreed not to sneak off to Miss Granger's house, however, under the circumstances, you did the right thing and there will be no punishment. I'm also aware that you, Ron, have been skipping school and not completing school assignments for the past two or three weeks. However, this will also be overlooked.

I will tell everyone of Miss Granger's death after you both have returned. I am advising you to travel by train instead of your usual methods. I know you are very responsible, but you have a bad history with flying methods of transportation. Of course, Voldemort is always a worrying factor to consider, especially for you, Harry.

Enclosed you should find two tickets on an afternoon train heading towards King's Cross Station. From there, transportation will be arranged. I hope to see you both at school again by tonight.

Dumbledore

"We have to go back, Ron," Harry said.

"Not yet," Ron said.

"But Dumbledore said…"

"I know," Ron sighed. "But I just can't. I guess we have no choice."

So they said good-byes and thank yous to the Grangers, shedding a few more tears, and then they were off. Mr. Granger drove them to the train station to take back to King's Cross. Harry couldn't believe that the Hogwarts Express would run for just two people, but Dumbledore said he would arrange transportation and made it clear they were not to fly back.

Ron had a bag with him, but Harry, having come in such a rush, had nothing. They had both done a Shrinking Spell on their brooms to make them small enough to fit into Ron's bag so they wouldn't draw too much attention.

They got on the train to King's Cross. It was a long and silent trip. Rain fell softly outside the train windows, echoing Ron's feelings of sadness. He didn't know how much he had loved Hermione until she was forever gone from him.

The boys got off the train wondering where to go next, and realized that they were not in King's Cross Station and had only stopped to transfer trains. They walked around the station to another platform, where they had to wait a few minutes for the next train.

Suddenly, Ron just stopped dead.

"Why'd you stop, Ron?" Harry asked. Ron had been walking ahead of him; now Harry went around to the front and turned to Ron, who looked on the verge of tears again.

"I can't do this, Harry, I can't!" Ron shouted. People in the train station looked at them quizzically. "I just want to go home. I'm never going back to school! I just can't!"

Harry looked around anxiously. "Shhh! Calm down, Ron. You're making people stare."

"God, Harry, I don't know how you can keep going. I can't go back to school. I can't face them again."

"Ron!" Harry said forcefully. "Listen to yourself! Would Hermione want you to give up? Would she want you to stop going to school, stop living your life because of her?"

Ron stared at Harry for a while, breathing heavily and trying not to cry again. "No, she wouldn't. You're right, Harry. I know you're right. But I just feel so…" He couldn't finish because he couldn't describe what he was feeling.

"I know what you're going through, Ron," Harry said reassuringly. "Hermione was my friend, and I know it's not the same but you can't dwell on it."

"I should just try not to think about it."

"No, don't do that. Think about it, but don't think about the bad, think about the good. I know it's hard."

"The good is overshadowed. Every time I think of her, I just think of how I'm never going to see her again." Ron's eyes started to water again.

"It'll take a while, but the pain will heal. You'll never forget her, no, but you'll feel better."

Ron smiled. "Thanks, Harry."

Harry smiled back. "Ready to go now?"

Ron nodded. "Yeah."

The train pulled in and they got seats near the door. They were only going a few stops over.

The train pulled to a halt at King's Cross. Ron took his bag and followed Harry out of the car.

Dumbledore had said he would arrange transportation, but he hadn't said what that would be. The only tickets in the envelope had been the ones for the train they had already taken. Harry and Ron looked around.

"Maybe we should try platform nine and three quarters?" Ron suggested.

"No, look, there's…Sirius?"

Harry and Ron walked over to Harry's godfather. "What are you doing here?" Harry asked.

"Dumbledore sent me." Harry was happy to see him, but Ron looked dejectedly at the floor. "I'm sorry about Hermione," Sirius said. "I know how much she meant to you two."

"It's okay," Ron said quickly. "How are we getting back to school?"

"Just follow me," Sirius said, starting to walk towards the exit. Ron looked at Harry, they both shrugged and followed Sirius out of the station.

To their surprise, he led them out to a parking lot and over to a small black car. He pressed the keys to unlock it.

"Hop in, boys," he said.

They got in, still looking at each other questionably. They buckled up and Sirius pulled out of the parking lot and onto the road.

"Umm… does this car fly?" asked Ron.

"Nope," Sirius answered simply.

"So the best transportation Dumbledore could send was a Muggle vehicle?" Harry asked.

Sirius chuckled. "Let's just say it's the only way I can travel without being arrested."

"Are they still looking for you?" Ron asked.

"Well, not really, but if they see me, they do try to capture me."

"But what would they do if they did?" Harry asked. "I mean, there's no Azkaban left."

"They'd probably just kill me on the spot. I don't really want to take that risk."

"No, I guess not," said Harry.

The rest of the trip was quiet. Even thought it wasn't a flying car, there was some enchantment on it that allowed it to go through trees and walls and buildings, somewhat like the Knight Bus. Whatever way they traveled, they had soon arrived at the castle. Sirius transformed into his dog self so that the Hogwarts students wouldn't be able to recognize him. He said a hurried goodbye to Harry and Ron and trotted up to Dumbledore's office while they headed off to Gryffindor Tower.

The Gryffindor students were all still finishing their last class, and Ron was grateful that the common room was empty. He lugged his bag up to their dormitory, Harry following behind.

In a few minutes, they heard the bell signaling the end of class - Potions for the Gryffindor seventh years. Soon Dean, Neville, and Seamus would come upstairs. They would bombard Ron with questions - he already expected it.

"Where have you been?"

"You missed the Quidditch game."

He didn't want to face them yet.

Ron had already unpacked, and now he laid down on his bed and drew the curtains around him. Maybe everyone would think he was asleep.

"I'm gonna go downstairs, Ron," Harry said.

"I'm staying here."

"Okay, see you later."

Ron saw Harry's shadow on the curtain walk out of the door and downstairs. Ron sighed. He had never felt so alone.

It was much later, Ron had fallen asleep. He didn't realize how tired he was, not sleeping well for several nights. Dinner was probably over by now. He opened the curtains a crack and looked out. The dorm was empty, luckily. He smiled; Harry must be keeping them away for a while. Ron would have to go to classes tomorrow, then he couldn't avoid them. Harry was a great friend for doing this. Ron was lucky he had him.

It was a little bit later. He had dozed off again, he supposed, but he couldn't remember it. He heard footsteps on the stairs and voices, so he opened the curtains.

Neville, Dean, and Seamus stopped talking as soon as they saw Ron staring at them.

"Hi, Ron," Seamus said cautiously.

"Hi," Ron replied.

"We're sorry about Hermione," Dean said. "We know you two were really close."

Harry came up the stairs behind the other three Gryffindors.

"So I guess Harry told you about that, did he?" Ron snapped.

"Ron, I…" Harry began.

"You don't have to explain, Harry. You can just blab my business all over the school. I don't really care! You know I probably don't have any feeling left in me anyway!"

The other three boys goggled at Ron. He turned on them next. "What are you three staring at? Whoopee! You're sorry. Sorry doesn't bring her back!" With that, he closed the curtains and lay face down on his bed, sobbing.

"I think we better just leave him alone," Harry whispered to the others. They got ready for bed, and soon it was silent in the room.

Ron flipped on to his back and looked up at the ceiling. He had stopped crying now, but his face was still wet. He was cried out; only dry sobs would come now. He hated himself. Why did he have to go and yell at his friends, especially Harry? He hadn't done anything wrong. Ron didn't want to take out his sadness on the others. They didn't deserve that. But he didn't know how else to handle it.

* * *

Sunlight filled the room, and even with the curtains drawn, Ron could see it. He sat up and pulled them open. Harry was still there, getting dressed; the other three were already down at breakfast.

"I'm sorry about last night," Ron said quickly.

"It's okay. I shouldn't have told them."

"No, you didn't do anything wrong. I just didn't know what else to do."

"It's okay," Harry reassured him.

"We're still friends then?"

"Of course. But I think we missed breakfast."

Ron smiled and Harry smiled back. "I'm not too hungry anyway," Ron said. "But what class do we have now?"

"Care of Magical Creatures," Harry said looking at his schedule.

Ron groaned. "I don't know if I can face the Slytherins today."

"Come on, we'll get through this."

And they went down to the grounds to Hagrid's Hut.

* * *

There were only a few days until Christmas break. Ron had managed to get through the past two weeks without too much incident. He didn't sleep or eat much, but he was getting better. He didn't think about her all the time, mostly when he was doing his homework.

"Ron, do you know seven potions that powdered unicorn horn is used in?"

"I don't know. Ask Hermione…" Only in mid sentence would he realize that Hermione was no longer around to ask.

Ron had struggled a great deal to catch up since he had missed two weeks of school and hadn't paid attention in class since he had learned Hermione was sick.

Ron debated a lot about whether to go home or stay at Hogwarts for the holidays. He hadn't told any of his family members about Hermione, except Ginny, who heard from Dumbledore. Hermione had been one of her best friends, too. And even Ginny didn't know about Ron being sick, too. He dreaded having to tell his family, but he knew he would have to eventually.

Staying at Hogwarts seemed a much better idea; everyone would be going home for the holidays and there would be no one there to bother him. On the other hand, he had to work on homework, and teachers kept on trying to console him. He was tired of it.

He knew Harry would really want to go back to the Burrow and see the Weasleys, especially the twins. Ron knew this was his only chance to see his family. So he decided to go home for the holidays. Maybe it would cheer him up a little.

* * *

So on Christmas Eve, Ron, Harry, and Ginny found themselves getting off the train at King's Cross Station. Mr. Weasley picked them up there in his new car. Ron couldn't believe how lucky his family had been in the last two years.

"Hello everyone!" Mr. Weasley called cheerfully.

"Hello," everyone answered cheerfully back. Ron had told Harry and Ginny on the train that it was better to put on a mask until he told them the news. He hadn't even told them Hermione was sick, after all.

They were soon back at the Burrow. It was much more empty now that all five of Ron's older brothers had moved to their own houses. Ron and Harry went up to Ron's room to dump their stuff.

"Oh, Harry, dear," Mrs. Weasley said when they came back down. "I didn't know you were coming. Ron didn't tell me, but I assumed you would be here. Is Hermione coming at all?"

"No," Ginny said quickly with a sideways glance at Ron. He looked away, not wanting to hear any mention of the name.

"Well, the others should be here soon," Mrs. Weasley said. "They are staying the night so we can all have Christmas morning together."

And soon enough, all the rest of the Weasleys arrived. First came Fred and Angelina and George. They had closed Weasley's Wizard Wheezes early for the holidays. Angelina and Fred were planning to get married during the summer. Ron wished it would be him and Hermione, too.

Next came Charlie, then Bill, and Percy, Penelope and their infant daughter, Erica. The house was crowded even more than usual, and they crammed into the bedrooms for the night.

The next morning, they opened presents, had a huge breakfast (which Ron didn't eat and caused Mrs. Weasley to ask what was wrong, to which he answered, "nothing"), and sat in the living room, chatting and trying out their new presents while all the women made dinner in the kitchen.

Before they knew it, it was time for dinner, and time for Ron to spill his secrets.

First, Mr. Weasley made a toast. "To our family. I'm just happy that we can all be here together and healthy."

Harry looked quickly at Ron, who again looked away. They clinked glasses and dug into platters of turkey, potatoes, and rolls.

Harry nudged Ron several times during the meal. "When are you gonna tell them?" he finally asked.

The chatting ceased and everyone looked at Ron. "Tell us what, dear?" Mrs. Weasley asked.

Ron looked around at his family. He swallowed hard. "I have some bad news," he began. His family gazed even more intently at him now. He turned to Harry. "You tell them," he whispered. "I can't."

Harry scowled at Ron. Harry shouldn't have to tell them, but Ron felt that if he had to relive the story he would break down again. Harry was more experienced at replaying painful scenes.

Harry faced the rest of the Weasleys. "Hermione died last month," he began. Ron probably would have preferred he ease into it a bit more, but he had asked Harry to do it, and now he had to live with it. The family gasped.

"What?"

"How?"

"She died from a Muggle disease called AIDS."

It was silent. "Tell them… you know," Ron whispered to Harry.

Harry looked at him, confused. "What are you talking about?"

"You know."

"Just tell us already," George said.

"Oh alright, fine!" Ron said. "I have it, too."

Even Ginny looked surprised at this. "You? Dumbledore didn't tell us…"

"Dumbledore doesn't know," Ron said.

"So you're going to die, too?" Ginny asked, in a voice barely above a whisper.

"Well, it's possible. See, AIDS is caused by a virus, HIV, and that's what I have. It doesn't necessarily mean that I'm sick or that I'm going to die."

It was silent until Bill took a bite of a roll and turned into a canary.

"I guess this isn't a good time to say that we put a couple ingredients from the Canary Creams into the rolls we brought," said Fred.

Bill molted back into himself and fell back into his chair with a thud.

And Run burst out laughing. Everyone looked at him. Ron hadn't laughed in two months. Soon, Bill started laughing, then Fred and George, and soon everyone was laughing so hard they were crying.

And for once, Ron didn't have to hide it.