TITLE: Creature Comforts
AUTHOR: Thel
EMAIL: kethe@hotmail.com
FEEDBACK: Please.  Here, or by email.  : )
CATEGORY: Challenge
SPOILERS: None
SEASON / SEQUEL: Any
RATING: G
SUMMARY: Challenge from Huffy on the SG1HC list.  Gen or Slash, Jack and Daniel.  Rain, mud, a one-eyed black cat in Jack's bed, Jack getting stuck, alpha Daniel and whumpings to all and sundry (except the cat).
STATUS: Complete
NOTES:  It was a very slow day at work.  I apologise in advance for this story.  There's a very good reason why I don't write humour… mostly because I can't.  grin  Not been beta'd.  Should really be beta'd.  Will be beta'd eventually… probably.  All mistakes are my fault.

"Daniel!  Dammit!!"

The archaeologist ran worriedly down the stairs as Jack was barrelling through the living room, head down.  The pair collided at the doorway at the base of the stairs.  Jack's shoulder met Daniel's stomach with a muffled thud.  The archaeologist went down hard, his backside impacting the carpeted stairs, his feet kicking straight out and catching Jack's ankles.  For his part, Jack found himself launched forward, landing on top of Daniel.  He tried to catch himself, but only succeeded in giving himself some impressive carpet burns along the inside of his forearms.  He brought his head up to try to rise, just as Daniel tried to sit up.  The top of Jack's head met the underside of Daniel's jaw with a muffled thud.  Jack howled and covered his head with a hand, while Daniel's head snapped backward and came to a rest on the stair.

"Ow."  Daniel said in a low voice, keeping very still.  Jack was sprawled across him, nose buried in Daniel's shirt, trying to hide the fact that the last blow had brought tears to his eyes.  "Jack."  Daniel tried again, his tone still level and reasonable.  "What the hell are you doing?"  The Colonel sniffed and lifted his head.

"Cat."

"Cat?"

"Stray cat."

"Oh.  Where?"

"Here?"

"Here?  As in…"  Arms splayed out at his side, the archaeologist made a weak little motion.  "Here?"  He paused, considering.  "Jack…  Am I sitting on a cat?"

"Dammit."  With a grunt, Jack levered himself up and backwards, sitting on the floor at the base of the stairs.  After a false start, Daniel joined him, lurching upright like Frankenstein's monster waking to find a mob at the door.

"Cat?"  Jack asked with a grimace.

Daniel cocked his head.  "No cat."

Jack's gaze went from Daniel to the stairway.  "Dammit!"  He roared and pushed his way past his bemused team-mate.  Jack took the stairs three at a time, leaving Daniel on the landing.  After shaking his head once, the linguist followed.  He stopped about halfway up, bending slightly to peer at the carpeted stair.

Mud.  The cat, if indeed there was such a creature, must have been filthy.

"Goddamn!"  The curse from upstairs was muffled.  Daniel lifted his head and took a cautious step…

Just as Jack swung around the top of the stairs and came thundering down.

This time, Daniel's shoulder hit Jack's chest and Jack went down on his backside.  Jack's legs snapped forward, hitting Daniel's shin and throwing the younger man off balance.  Daniel grabbed for the banister, but ended up face first on the stairs instead, Jack flat on his back beside him.

"Ow."  Daniel mumbled around a mouth full of carpet fibre.

"Damn cat."  Jack muttered, eyes closed and his head resting on the stair.

"No cat, Jack."

"Course there was."

"No.  I was here.  No cat."

"Not now."

"Not ever."  Daniel started to sound annoyed.

"Footprints."

"Mud."

"Muddy cat prints."

"Just mud."

"Cat mud."

Daniel put his hands on the stairs and pushed up, raising his torso to look at Jack.  The Colonel had a hand over his eyes.  He lifted the hand, looked at Daniel and then looked away.  The hand dropped back into place.

"Cat mud?"

"Mud of cat, Daniel.  Cat mud."

"Mud of alleged cat."

"Real mud of goddamn real cat!"

Daniel pushed himself up, fingers touching the carpet burn down his chin.  Lovely.  Jack started to rise.  Frowning, Daniel put a hand on Jack's shoulder.  "Sit."  Jack snarled an incoherent reply.  Daniel's frown grew more pronounced.  "Jack… sit!"

"Daniel, that goddamn cat is in my house, leaving muddy cat-mud paw prints everywhere."

"And tearing after it like a Doberman is going to help, Jack?"

"Yes."

"Yes?"

"Yes."

"Worked well so far, has it?"

"Working fine."  Jack growled.

"Cat: two.  Humans: nothing.  We've defeated system lords who have done less damage."

Jack snapped his fingers.  "Zat."

"No!"

Jack went silent and considered.  "I'm sure the Tollans would lend us an ion cannon."

A grin tried to slip past Daniel's stern expression.  "The Tollans like cats, Jack.  Remember Shroedinger?"

Before Jack could offer another suggestion, Daniel shook his head.  "Livingroom.  Sit.  Wait.  If there is a cat to be found, then I will find it.  Safest thing."

"Aye aye."  As Daniel started up the stairs, he was certain he heard a muffled and resentful, "Doctor Dolittle".

Shaking his head, Daniel went cautiously and quietly up the stairs.  At the top he cocked his head.  Nothing.  The door to Jack's bedroom was open.  Daniel took a few quiet steps and crept up to the entrance.  He craned his neck through the door and smiled.

There on Jack's bed, sprawled out, was a black cat.  A thoroughly soaked and mud-covered black cat.  It took one look at Daniel and stretched, going from lying on its side to flat on its back with all four paws up.  Delicately, it curled up one paw and stretched out the other, claws kneading the air.

"Hey."  Daniel said softly, taking a cautious step into the room.  The cat responded by writhing on the bed and flipping on its side again, this time facing away from Daniel.  It then looked over its shoulder as the archaeologist knelt at the foot of the bed.

"Poor thing.  Your eye."  Daniel's voice turned sad.  The bedraggled cat had only one luminous green eye.  The injury looked old, and as healed as one could expect… but still.  Daniel slowly reached out his hand.  The cat stretched again, this time on its side facing Daniel, working the mud deeper into Jack's bedspread.  It reached a paw out and touched Daniel's fingers.  Daniel's smile reappeared as the cat began to purr loudly.

Growing bolder, Daniel leaned forward and picked up the cat.  The volume of the purring grew louder.  Grimacing at the state of Jack's covers,  Daniel held the cat against his chest, feeling the dampness start to spread through his t-shirt.  Making reassuring noises, he headed out of the bedroom and back into the hall.  The cat reached up a paw and kneaded the skin under his jaw, the solitary eye gleaming brightly.

"Daniel?  Have you got the beast yet?"  Jack pounded into the bedroom in a battle-ready stance.  The cat took one look and tensed up.  Latching every claw it possessed into Daniel's skin, it crawled over the archaeologist's shoulder and launched itself at the small, open bedroom window.  Daniel spun with a yelp, crossing his arms over his lacerated skin.

"Dammit!"  Jack pushed past him and headed for the window, looking through it.

"Ow."  Daniel muttered resentfully, sitting on the edge of Jack's bed.

Jack left off his search for the cat, turning and managing to look contrite.  "You okay?"

Daniel's eyes crept up, met his gaze and then slipped back away to stare at the floor.  "No."

"Well, at least it's out of the house."

"Jack, you can't leave it outside.  It's raining and the poor thing only has one eye."

"So… is rain somehow worse when you only have one eye?"

"What?"

"I said…"

"I know what you said.  It was ridiculous."

"Was not."

"Jack, it was and is.  This situation is ridiculous and so are you."

"Daniel."

"Jack."  The archaeologist levelled a hard look at his commanding officer.  Slowly, Jack wilted under the pressure.

"Fine.  What do I do?'

Daniel gifted him with a small smile.  "Go to the window.  Lean out and softly call it."

"Call it what?"

"Well, something other than 'dammit' might be nice."

"Cat?"

"Kitty."  That earned Daniel a hard look which he merely shrugged off.  "Just get on with it, Jack.  Don't make me explain to Doctor Fraiser how pizza night resulted in a concussion and massive blood loss."  Daniel examined his wrist, hissing through his teeth.

Jack turned to look at his friend, and then to the window.  He turned back and opened his mouth to speak.  His mouth snapped shut as Daniel made a little shooing gesture in his direction.  Squaring his shoulders, Jack returned to the window.

The cat waited patiently, just out of arm's reach.  Jack began to look back, crushed the urge to retreat and then met the cat's gaze.  "C'mere…"  The cat got up warily and looked like it would back away.  Jack cleared his throat.  Okay, the stupid thing was sort of… almost cute.  He gave an encouraging smile.  "Come on, Mud..  Get inside."

The cat made a little chirping noise and stepped forward to examine Jack's fingertips.  Deciding that it liked what it saw, it rubbed its cheek along his hand, staying just out of reach.  Jack chuckled softly, doing a shoulder check to make sure that Daniel wasn't watching.

Jack had almost convinced the cat to come to him when the creature's head shot up and it looked around.  Jack put his elbows on the window frame and squeezed his body into the space, trying to see what interested the cat.

Ah.  The neighbours. 

Jack watched as the cat trotted to the edge of the roof, and then jumped over to the high wooden fence and into the neighbours' yard.  It ran up to the back door, where a concerned young girl smiled broadly and opened the door wide.

"Beast."  Jack muttered.  Breaking into his house while the owners were away.  The cat returned to its home, Jack backed into his bedroom.

Make that he tried to back into his bedroom.  He wiggled his arms which were now pressed flat against his chest, trapped by the window frame.

"Daniel, give me a hand here.  Gah."  He shook from side to side experimentally.  "Daniel, I'm stuck."  He tried to peer back into the bedroom.  His empty bedroom.  Daniel must have gone in search of the first aid kit.  He was alone.

Alone and stuck.

Stuck.

"Dammit."