Tsukasa: Head Case?
By Dragon Princess
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This is my first .hack fic… and quite possibly the weirdest thing I've ever written. Please don't flame…
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Hmmm. What should I write for my first .hack fic?
"Hurry up and write something," said Tsukasa, way down below in fanfic land.
Okay, I have an idea! What would happen if you logged in to the World and you couldn't log out? That could be a story!
"Hate to tell you," said Tsukasa, "but that's kind of the whole point of the show…"
YOU MEAN MY IDEA WAS TAKEN? Well, how about if I pair you up with Subaru? I bet that's original!
"Good idea, but it's sort of… um… been done before," said the annoying Wavemaster.
No log out problems? No T/S? Okay, then what HASN'T been done yet? I need an idea! Give me an idea, kid!
"Well, I don't have any ideas…"
And you yell at me for having no imagination? I've had it with you! Go back home! Maybe you should get some counseling… hey, that's not a bad idea!
"Uh oh…"
"Come on, it's a great idea!" said Mimiru, pulling Tsukasa along with her.
"In-game therapy?" Tsukasa asked. "I don't think that sounds like a good idea."
"Bear told me the healing process isn't always fun," Mimiru replied. "If only I knew what the heck he was talking about!"
"Why don't we find some other way for the, uh, 'healing process'?" pleaded Tsukasa.
"But this is FREE!" said Mimiru, and that was the end of that argument.
"Subaru wouldn't make me go to some quack," Tsukasa muttered.
"That's because I like you more," replied Mimiru, "and he's 'Dr. Quack' to you." Tsukasa wasn't stupid enough to continue fighting, but he did think to himself, A therapist named Dr. Quack probably has something to do with the fact that this is free. Curse Mimiru's new obsession with getting things for free.
Mimiru and Tsukasa arrived at the waiting room. Actually, it was more like Mimiru arrived, dragging a kicking, screaming Tsukasa. There were a few other players there, such as a Long Arm that kept running around in circles, a Twin Blade that was in the middle of an argument with himself, and a Wavemaster trying to mug everyone for their Yellow Candy.
"See," said Mimiru, you'll fit right in with these freaks, I mean, interesting people like you." That did nothing to help Tsukasa's mood, which was never too sunny to begin with. Having nothing else to do, he sat and wallowed in his own angst and misery. Tsukasa was one of those people who liked to wallow in his angst and misery. Meanwhile, when nobody was looking, Mimiru stole some of the old magazines they always keep in waiting rooms. I guess that fell under her definition of 'free stuff'.
"Miss, uh, mister… Ack! I can't tell!" yelled the receptionist. "You, with the hat, name of Tsukasa, get your ass over here! It's your turn!" A shocked expression came over Tsukasa.
"I look like a girl?" he murmured. Little did "he" know how much more "he" looked like a girl in real life. Tsukasa let Mimiru push him toward Dr. Quack's office, mainly because he was still in shock. If he was in his right mind (or as close to that as possible for Tsukasa), he would put up a fight. Of course, Mimiru would still be able to push him in. I'm just saying that he would have made a pathetic attempt to save his own life.
Tsukasa finally got into the therapist's office after Mimiru realized that shoving him into a closed door will not help out the 'healing process' (although, to be fair, it does help out the squishing process!) All Tsukasa said was, "I don't look like a girly boy! I just can't!"
"Now," said Dr. Quack, "Sit on the couch and tell me about your problems."
"Can you fix him?" asked Mimiru.
"Maybe," said Dr. Quack. That was NOT a good sign.
"Okay, then," said Mimiru, "bye! I'm going to go buy you a character edit to make you look less girly. Actually, I'm not going to buy it, I'm going to get it for free! Later!" She left.
"Come over, and tell me what these ink blots look like," said Dr. Quack.
"But I thought I was supposed to sit on the couch…" said Tsukasa.
"Uh, no. I just remembered that ink blots come first."
"Exactly how many times have you done this before?"
"You're my first patient!" Dr. Quack said proudly. "And if it doesn't work out, then there's always suicide!" Tsukasa backed away. He tried the door, only to find that it was locked.
A piercing scream was heard coming from the office. The freaks in the waiting room all looked nervous.
"Ah, that's nothing," said the receptionist. "It's just, uh, that's what it takes for some people to get better."
"Give me your Yellow Candy!" yelled the sugar high Wavemaster.
Back with Quack, Tsukasa was being forced to identify ink blots.
"It's an ink blot test," said Tsukasa.
"No!" said Quack. "Well, yes, it is, but what does the blot look like?"
"It looks like part of an ink blot test," said Tsukasa.
"NO! WHAT'S THE BLOT LOOK LIKE?" yelled Quack.
"I said, it looks like an ink blot in an ink blot test," said Tsukasa. This clearly wasn't going anywhere. Despite extreme stupidity, Quack realized that.
"Okay, sit on the couch, and tell me why you came here," said Quack.
"Why?" asked Tsukasa.
"Well, in movies, the patients always sit on the couch."
"I'm not going to," said Tsukasa, and stuck out his tongue.
"You need to cooperate if you want to not be a freak! Therapy is a two way street!"
"I didn't come here to not be a freak," said Tsukasa, and then he realized he just insulted himself. "Mimiru brought me here. Mimiru really likes free stuff."
"Aha, now we're getting somewhere! Is Mimiru your boyfriend?"
"I don't have a boyfriend!"
"Denial!"
"NO! Mimiru's the girl that pushed me into the door!"
"So, you're in an abusive relationship?"
"I'm not in any relationship," said Tsukasa. He was really trying his hardest not to kill Quack. Becoming a Player Killer was not on his list of things to do that day.
"We need to sit back and find your inner child," said Quack.
"If you haven't noticed, I have an outer child," said Tsukasa. "I'm only a kid."
"You know, you really aren't cooperating!" said Quack. "You've got to work with me, girly boy!"
"My session is almost over. Please, let me out of here."
"No! You'll stay until you become a normal member of society! Even if it takes FOREVER!"
Just then, the wall behind Tsukasa collapsed, to show that a girl with angel wings and blueish-greenish hair had broken her way in with an axe. Yes, The World is the only place where that would be considered even remotely normal.
"Subaru!" yelled Tsukasa.
"I've come to save you!" she said. "I heard Mimiru was going to send you to free therapy, so I came to get you out!"
"But how did you know it would be so awful?" asked Tsukasa.
"How could free therapy be anything BUT awful?" asked Subaru. She took his hand and they skipped off together to… somewhere. (Awww, how romantic!)
"That girl stole my patient!" sobbed Quack. The receptionist came in, smiling.
"It's okay, we found you a new patient! This girl has an unhealthy obsession with free stuff!" And the receptionist pushed in a struggling Mimiru.
"No! I'm not messes up enough to go to counseling!" said Mimiru.
"Cheer up," said Quack, "it's FREE!"