Numbuh 1: Someone mention me?
Vaporeon: Get down, you fool!
Recording 1: But how dare to try to take what you didn't help me to get, you selfish [beep] I hope mother[beep]ing burn in hell for this [beep]!
Jolteon: Recording number 2!
Before Numbuh 2 can say anything Espeon and Flareon take the initiative and gag him.
Recording 2: [beep] [beep] [beep] [beep] [beep] [beep] [beep] [beep] [beep] [beep] [beep] [beep] [beep] [beep] [beep] [beep] [beep]!
Jolteon: We now allow a minute for the calls to come in. Remember, it's 1800-EEVEEON! That's 1800, 338, 3366.
As Jolteon's words finish the auditorium bursts with numerous phone rings. Quickly he disappears backstage.
Umbreon: Nice work, gang. I can safely say this will be one of our best chapters ever.
Flareon: Don't mind us asking, but I thought you invited some more characters?
Umbreon: Affirmative. Let them in, boys!
Steven the Steelix and Ron the Aggron quickly lift up a steel door releasing a bunch of cute and furry animals.
Vaporeon: Holy shit! It's not...!
Espeon: It's the Happy Tree Friends!
Umbreon: And here's the quick rundown for all you folks... Cuddles the rabbit, Giggles the chipmunk, Handy the carpenter beaver with his amputated front limbs, Lumpy the moose, Toothy the big-toothed beaver, Nutty the sugar-high squirrel, Petunia the sweet-smelling skunk, Sniffles the brainy anteater, Splendid the flying squirrel superhero, Flaky the dandruffed porcupine, The Mole with a mole, the funky Disco Bear, Russell the pirate sea otter, Mime the deer-miming bear, Lifty and Shifty the kleptomaniac raccoons, Cro-Marmot the marmot frozen in an ice block but still manages to move, Flippy the emotionally unstable war vet bear, and Pop and Cub, the father-son related family bears.
By the time Umbreon finishes the list the rest of Team Eeveeon is sprawling over the floor as a result of the continuous singing of the Happy Tree Friends theme song.
Umbreon: Frankly, I hope our contestants are made of sterner stuff. Seriously.
WARNING: Happy Tree Friends Dot Com is a site of cartoon violence. Do not be fooled by its cute background, characters, and et cetera. It is NOT for little children or big babies. If you are sickened by the sight of a squashed rabbit on the road this is not for you, despite the fact that we are trying to keep the violence under PG-13. You have been warned!
Umbreon: Enough, damnit, we've stalled way too long already.
Chapter 10: When KND Attacks (Part V)
A.B.I.G.A.I.L. -- A Battle Increases Girls' Ability In Lethalisation
Subject Identification Number: 10
Subject Identity: Rhea Baugher
Other known Identities: Dynasty San
Nationality: Korean-American
Appearance: Big-boned, 5'10", sixteen years old, long brown hair, brown eyes, tanned skin, tan line on left wrist (courtesy of the watch she wears nearly all the time), wears men's outfits (mostly black and red)
Known likes/interests: DBZ, Marilyn Manson, The Rock, Numbuh 5, Panthro, Gambit, Vegeta, Writing fics, making and answering surveys, eating sushi, being a crazy little crackpot, Drama class
Known dislikes/non-interests: Alice in Chains, Miaka haters, The DCFDTL, the Lunataks, Snarfer, Chiaotzu, Vince McMahon, root beer, English and Lit classes, not getting enough to eat, counseling, wearing skirts
Known strengths/weapons: Pretty smart, doesn't give up, can improvise when necessary, whipping things with her bull whip, doesn't take crap from anyone (At this point Flareon threw out the pile of Miltank poo he had in his paw and said, "Dang.")
Known weaknesses: Shakespeare, chocolate and coffee, Professor X (creeps her out), easily distracted by music (especially Linkin Park, Limp Bizkit, and Marilyn Manson), doesn't know when to quit, gets a little crazy with her whip, prone to berserker rages
Any other useful information: Chocolate covered coffee beans make her hyper. Or should we say, mega, ultra, super, poly, and every other big prefix ever existed.
Subject Identification Number: 15
Subject Identity: Abigail "Abby" Lincoln
Other known Identities: Numbuh 5
Nationality: French-Afro-American
Appearance: 10-year-old, elliptical head, dark skin, braided black hair, sports blue shirt, red hat and golden ear-rings
Known likes/interests: The Kids Next Door, reading
Known dislikes/non-interests: The Delightful Children From Down The Lane, racism (especially Huckleberry Finn)
Known strengths/weapons: Stealth tactics
Known weaknesses: Not really that we know of, but she is willing to sacrifice herself for others, and rumour has it that she has a crush on Numbuh 1.
Any other useful information: None so far, but it's reckoned she's one of the older ones of the group like Numbuh 1.
The big battle between Numbuh 5 and D-San takes place in a calm meadow with clouds over the horizon. In fact, everything is so peaceful it couldn't get more peaceful.
D-San: What hell, I thought I asked for violent!
Umbreon: Alright, send 'em in!
Through the T.A.K.E.O.F.F. the cast of Happy Tree Friends is beamed into the meadow. The Happy Tree Friends, Numbuh 5 and D-San spend a whole five minutes looking at each other, before the Happy Tree Friends begin the routine.
HTF: La la la la la, la la la la la, la la la la la... eeheeheewoohoo!
D-San: I can't believe this is happening. I can't believe this is happening.
Umbreon: Now we switch coordinates.
*KAPEW*
The scene switches to that of huge metropolis, courtesy of Team Eeveeon's S.I.M. (Sity In Minutes).
Numbuh 5: This is more like it. At least those funny animals didn't follow us.
HTF: La la la la la, la la la la la, la la la la la... eeheeheewoohoo!
Numbuh 5: Nuts!
Suddenly, a certain idol drops from the sky and lands in front of Pop and Cub. The others all scream.
D-San: What's with them?
(Author's Note: In several HTF episodes there is this strange golden idol not much bigger than a human hand -- and bad luck always follows it. Back to the show.)
D-San and Numbuh 5 stay stunned as a nearby car suddenly swerves and crashes -- bringing Pop and Cub along with it.
Numbuh 5: I don't think the car was painted with THAT shade of red.
D-San: Forget the damn car, take this!
D-San reels her bull whip and smacks it next to Numbuh 5, who dodges the whip. The whip wraps around Giggles neck. D-San attempts to pull it back, but it stays stuck round Giggles. A barrage of swearing followed by a round of gagging, choking noises, D-San rips the whip off -- with Giggles head at the end.
D-San: Shweet! This [beep]ing rocks!
Numbuh 5: In the meantime, here's a gift from Numbuh 5 for you to sample!
Grabbing Flaky by the arm, she flings him towards D-San, who neatly smacks the porcupine into a billboard with a stop sign she ripped off the pavement.
D-San: I'm only borrowing it! Take this, Numbuh 5!
A barrage of whipping ensues. Unarmed, Numbuh 5 is forced to fling Happy Tree Friend after Happy Tree Friend in order to prevent the whip from mutilating her. The result is that D-San's clothes begins to be matted with a curious red liquid.
D-San: Damnit, I shouldn't have worn black today!
Numbuh 5: Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Oh, and sorry!
Meanwhile, as the violence continues on, Flippy the war vet's emotional unstability begins to spark off. Gnashing his teeth with obvious anger, he lunges himself at Numbuh 5 and grabs her by the arm.
Numbuh 5: Get off me!
Numbuh 5 struggles with the insane bear before flinging him through a nearby window.
Numbuh 5: Sorry!
By the time Numbuh 5 has finished all her "ammunition" the entire street is in absolute ruins. Cars and other assorted vehicles found themselves stuck in several windows, lamp posts and signposts were badly bent all over, and the entire setting is bathed in a somewhat tasteful reddish colour. Needless to say that in the proceedings of the battle there is animal all over the floor.
Numbuh 5: Aw, shoot! Time to get a new perspective!
Leaping up upon a few wrecked cars, Numbuh 5 grabs a handy wheel and rolls it towards D-San, who is a nanosecond too slow to whip the rolling rubber into minced wheel, and gets bulldozed. Groaning, D-San gets up and gives Numbuh 5 the finger before realising Numbuh 5 had disarmed her of her whip.
D-San: Now you're getting it you mother[beep]er!
Crashing into a nearby confectionery store, D-San grabs a nearby packet of chocolate covered coffee beans and gulps down the lot, followed by several Mars Bars, Double Deckers, Yorkies, Toblerones and M & Ms.
Eminem: Someone mentioned me?
Espeon: He said M & Ms, not Eminem!
By the time D-San has finished the entire chocolate supply she is feeling extremely hyper (apparently she has a very high metabolism rate) and charges out of the store and rips another stop sign off the pavement.
D-San: EAT METAL NUMBUH 5!
Numbuh 5 quickly reaches for a manhole cover and throws it like a Frisbee at the raging D-San, who smacks it back at her with a skilful swipe. Unfortunately, the manhole cover slashes Numbuh 5 on the knee leaving a burn mark on her skin. Instinctively Numbuh 5 hops down into the manhole, grabs some electrical main wires, pops back up and flings the fizzling wires at D-San. Naturally, D-San gets severely shocked to the core and soon her smouldering body is lying on the street.
Numbuh 5: D-San?
From beneath a pile of rubble D-San explodes, beginning to go on a raging charge. Thinking fast, Numbuh 5 runs into a CD shop, comes back out armed with -- surprise, surprise -- CDs, and throws them at D-San.
D-San: What the... woot woot! An autographed Marilyn Manson CD! Shweet!
Taking the chance, Numbuh 5 decides to slip away.
Umbreon: So much for the Happy Tree Friends. Even you guys were sterner than them! Guys? Guys?
A door opens with the rest of Team Eeveeon lurching in.
Umbreon: Don't tell me you spent the entire past hour throwing up?!
Jolteon: Arrggg... Apparently...
Meanwhile, D-San has relocated her whip, and decides to go on the search for Numbuh 5. Climbing over the buildings, she finally spots Numbuh 5 creeping down an alley.
D-San: Squalls from above!
Numbuh 5: Oh, crap!
Numbuh 5 immediately brings a garbage can over where D-San neatly lands in.
D-San: Now you've done it you sonofa[beep]ing mother[beep]ing asshole!
Slashing her whip all over the place, Numbuh 5 tries her best to dodge, but still can't escape the power and might of D-San's bull whip. By the time D-San actually stops Numbuh 5 is kind of a sorry sight. One of her shirt sleeves has been torn off, she lost her right shoe and there are numerous slash marks all over her limbs, coming in shades of pink and red. Crowning it all is her straggled hair, her braids liberated and her cap slashed to a thousand pieces.
Numbuh 5: No. One. Ever. Messes. With. Numbuh. 5's. CAP!!!!
Releasing a whole part of herself never seen before, Numbuh 5 lunges forward, and begins to thrash D-San upside-down.
*WHOMP* *BIFF* *SMACK* *PWOM* *SPLAT*
Numbuh 5: This is for smacking Numbuh 5 with that manhole cover!
*KICK* *WHACK* *PLONK* *BWISH* *POW*
Numbuh 5: This is for mussing up Numbuh 5's gear!
*KERPOW* *PIFF* *SMASH* *PENG* *BOOM*
Numbuh 5: And *SLAP* this *PUNCH* is *KERSMASH* destroying *RABADOOM* Numbuh *GWOK* 5's *PUMMEL* CAP!!!
Seething, Numbuh 5 lands on the floor with strict stealth. D-San crashes into a pile of garbage, and after a five minute pause lifts up a piece of tissue paper and waves it.
Umbreon: And THAT, folks, brings us the end to When KND Attacks. Thank you for your kind attention. Tune in the last chapter, yes, the official big finale, of Operation: WARPED.
Flareon: Just one question.
Vaporeon: What happened to the Happy Tree Friend idol?
Jolteon: What the -- !
Espeon: Look! LOOK!
Team Eeveeon looks round to see the idol sitting right in the middle of the room's control panel.
Team Eeveeon: FLIPPING HECK!
KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!