Okay, y'know what? I'm too damn lazy to copy and paste my "happy"
disclaimer, so I'll just say this: I DON'T OWN LORD OF THE RINGS! DO I LOOK
LIKE A DEAD OLD MAN??? Well, not that you'd know what I look like... BUT
THAT'S NOT THE POINT!!
NO!
'TIS NOT!!
Nor is my last name Tolkien... if it was, I wouldn't be sitting my arse in front of the computer, typing a fanfic about LOTR. Instead, I'd probably be at my mountain cabin, enjoying my brand-new spa with imported water from Italy and eating Pizza Hut's yummy stuffed-crust pizza every night for dinner...
Anyhap, I think I've made my point clear.
~Laura/Lorenzo/Archibald/Blondie/Willoughby/Sandwich/Spicy/Laurie/Hey kid move
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Chapter Six: Well pbbt to you too!
~Legolas POV~
I watched as the orc army approached, and groaned as I remembered how many there were. Three hundred... against ten thousand! I was sure that that day would be my last on Earth.
When the Elves from Rivendell had arrived, that definitely had helped. All right then, so now it was about four hundred against ten thousand. We were still doomed.
I looked down to my left, where Gimli was standing... or jumping. "Couldn't you have picked a better spot!?" he complained. He was too short to see over the wall.
"Shall I describe it to you, or should I get you a box?" I asked with a smirk. He glared up at me as the dark clouds above us opened. Soon, the pouring rain had drenched me to the skin. Gimli's mood didn't improve as the orcs got closer.
I then looked to my right, down the line of Elves. A few men were tucked in here and there, and the occasional child. I couldn't help but think how awful it was that we had to use human children to fight. But it was too late now. I caught Haldir's eye and nodded to him. Then I noticed two shorter figures right next to him. I squinted to make our their faces through the pouring rain; they looked awfully familiar...
"Get ready!" Aragorn yelled in Elvish. I turned my attention away from the children and nocked an arrow to my bow. I watched as all the inexperienced (human) archers followed suit.
"Hold your fire!" Aragorn called. Unfortunately, an old man mistook him for saying "fire", and let his arrow go. It embedded itself in the forehead of an orc on the front lines. The other orcs watched as it crumpled to the ground, then yelled in rage. Black arrows came flying at our army from every direction.
"FIRE!" Aragorn yelled. I shot my first arrow, and hit an orc right in its neck. Soon the air was filled with arrows. I shot several orcs before they started putting up ladders against the wall. The first one came up right by Haldir. I ran down to help him push it off.
As I halted next to the Elves, an orc appeared over the edge of the wall, aiming its axe right for one of those two children. "Look out!" I cried, and pushed their head out of the way before killing the orc. Haldir and I looked down at the child that I had pushed away, and gasped when we saw long blonde hair framing their face.
~Laura POV~
"Crap!" I yelled as the ladder appeared right in front of me and an orc started climbing up it. "Ohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrap..." I suddenly kind of regretted ever going up there.
The orc climbed over the wall and raised its axe. "Look out!" someone yelled, and pushed me out of the way. My helmet went flying off. I turned around and watched as the person killed the orc, then looked at me. I groaned. The person was Legolas. He gasped.
"LAURA!" he and Haldir both roared.
"Heheh... erm... fancy seeing you guys here, heheh... *cough cough*," I said.
"Laura, what in the name of Eru do you think you're doing here!?" Legolas yelled.
"Um... helping kill the bad dudes?"
"Wrong answer," Legolas said angrily. "Now get back down in the caves with the other women and children!"
"But they just want to sit around and cry and moan and stuff!"
"Well go and join them!"
"What about Lauren?" I shot back.
"Laur-!" Legolas ripped the helmet off Lauren's head. "YOU TWO GET OUT OF HERE!" he yelled.
"LEGGY!!!" Lauren screamed. An orc had climbed up behind us and was about to kill Legolas. He brought out his knives and did his little twirly circus act thingy with them. The orc didn't have a chance. It was dead within five seconds.
"I GIVE IT A TEN!" I yelled over the fighting.
"I GIVE IT AN EIGHT... THE FORM WAS GOOD, BUT THE PROCESS WAS SLOW," Lauren called back. We started laughing.
"This is not a laughing matter!" Haldir scolded, picking up where Legolas had left off. "You two get back to the caves right this instant!"
"And if we refuse?" I asked sweetly.
"You'll have to go anyway," he said sternly.
"Hmm..." I pretended to ponder over this. "Sorry, Hal-O babe, don't see it happening. Toodles!" I blew him an air kiss then darted under his outstretched arms, Lauren following me closely.
"We have gotten past the enemy spies!" I heard her say. "Now to kill the other enemy without getting killed ourselves."
"Yay!" We darted between groups of fighters, getting as far away from the hot-yet-evil Elf dudes. "Are they following us?" I called to Lauren.
She looked over her shoulder. "Nope!" We stopped and tried to find something to kill. It didn't take long. Another ladder appeared over the top of the wall.
"OH SHIT!!!!" I screamed. "HELP ME, LAUREN!" We both pushed as hard as we could and knocked the ladder over, killing the orcs that had been on it. "Woot woot!" we yelled as we high-fived each other. "Oh yeah, we rock! Uh- huh, yes we do! Yes we do! Yes we-"
"Don't."
I spun around. "YOU!!!" I cried, pointing at Legolas. "Pbbbbt* to you!"
*This is what I write whenever I want to give someone a raspberry.
"Get down to the caves RIGHT NOW!" he yelled in my face.
"It's called BRUSHING YOUR TEETH!! And no, 'cause you haven't done your cool little skate-down-the-stairs-on-the-shield-thingy yet! I gotta see that!" I explained.
"Well, too bad, because you're going down there whether you like it or not!" he exclaimed, grabbing us by our collars. He dragged us back towards the entrance to the caves. We passed by the stairway. I looked over the wall, just in time to see Haldir kill an orc, and another one raise its axe over his head.
"HALDIR!" Lauren and I screamed. Faster than I could follow, Legolas had let go of our collars, grabbed an arrow, and sent it flying into the orc's neck. And that's all I remember, officer. Because at that point I became a little distracted by an orc about to kill me.
~Lauren POV~
No sooner had we saved Haldir's life that I had to save Laura's. An orc a few feet behind her was nocking an arrow and aiming it right towards her. "LOOK OUT!" I screamed, and knocked her out of the way. The orc let go of the arrow, and it embedded itself into my arm.
"OH @$#&!!!!!!*" I screamed. Actually, to be quite honest, it didn't hurt that much. It was more out of surprise that I yelled that.
*I'm not THAT potty-mouthed! Jeez...
Laura became furious. Much to my surprise (and the orc's, too, I think), she ran right up to him and swiped off its head, panting with fury. "And that's kicking ass!" she yelled, and imitated Drew Barrymore's little dance thing from Charlie's Angels. Then she remembered that I was hurt (being the wonderful friend that she is... HA!) and ran over. "Ohmygawdareyouokdoesit- hurtdoyouwannagodowntothecavesandgetabandageohI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryyyyyyy yyy-yyyy!!!" she wailed.
"Dude Laura chill out! Let's just amscray down to the caves before we get into any more trouble!" I said. So we high-tailed it outta there and went back into the vaults, where Helen put some ointment on my arm and wrapped it up.
We sat and told everyone what was going on, and reassured all the faithless people that we would win the battle. Then everyone turned their attention away from us (boohoo!) and went back to mourning or whatever it was they were doing.
After about ten minutes of silence from both of us, Laura spoke. "Y'know Lauren, Legolas and Aragorn are gonna kill us for going out there," she said.
"Yeah, I know," I muttered. I wasn't exactly looking forward to that. We both sighed.
"Plus we're gonna miss Gandalf's big entrance," she said after another few minutes.
"We miss out on all the fun," I whined.
+++++
An hour later we faced the wrath of one pissed-off Ranger/future king and a furious Elf prince.
"WHAT were you THINKING in what little brains you have!?" Legolas yelled, waving his arms around wildly.
"You could have been killed!" Aragorn added. "I mean, look what happened to Lauren!" he said, gesturing to my arm.
"Yeah, but we WEREN'T killed!" Laura argued. "Do you really think that we would come all the way to Middle-earth from our world and NOT participate in the legendary Battle of Helm's Deep!? I think not!"
"It doesn't matter if this battle is going to be legendary in your world or not! What matters is your safety! Whether you (or we) like it or not, we're responsible for you! What if you had been killed?" Aragorn asked, calming down slightly.
Both Laura and I were quiet for a minute. "Would it help if I said I was sowwy?" I asked, talking in a baby voice and giving them the PUPPY EYES OF DOOM.
Legolas sighed. "Fine. As much as we would like to, we cannot change the past. But from now on, you MUST do whatever we tell you to, and you MUST do it immediately, understood Laura?" he asked, glaring at her.
"Why do you always blame things on me?" she protested.
"Because they're always your fault. Lauren, which one of you led the other to the armory? Be honest." Legolas glared harshly at me.
I sighed. "Laura," I muttered.
"And whose idea was it to fight?"
"Laura's."
"Well pbbbbt to all of you," she muttered. Then she got an idea. "Leggy?" she said in a perfectly angelic voice.
"What?"
"I sowwy," she said, looking sheepishly at the ground.
He sighed again. "It's alright."
"Yay. Bend down," she ordered.
"Why?"
"So I can pat you on the head. You're too tall as it is."
Legolas raised his eyebrow at her, then turned on his heel and walked away.
Laura scowled at his retreating form. "You big evil fudge monkey!" she yelled.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Okay, this chapter was kind of pbbbbbt. But I had no inspiration, and I was suffering from that awful disease known as (dundundun!) WRITERS BLOCK!!! Oh, the horror!!!
Anyhap, pwease review and be kind! Thankies! Have a nice life.
NO!
'TIS NOT!!
Nor is my last name Tolkien... if it was, I wouldn't be sitting my arse in front of the computer, typing a fanfic about LOTR. Instead, I'd probably be at my mountain cabin, enjoying my brand-new spa with imported water from Italy and eating Pizza Hut's yummy stuffed-crust pizza every night for dinner...
Anyhap, I think I've made my point clear.
~Laura/Lorenzo/Archibald/Blondie/Willoughby/Sandwich/Spicy/Laurie/Hey kid move
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Chapter Six: Well pbbt to you too!
~Legolas POV~
I watched as the orc army approached, and groaned as I remembered how many there were. Three hundred... against ten thousand! I was sure that that day would be my last on Earth.
When the Elves from Rivendell had arrived, that definitely had helped. All right then, so now it was about four hundred against ten thousand. We were still doomed.
I looked down to my left, where Gimli was standing... or jumping. "Couldn't you have picked a better spot!?" he complained. He was too short to see over the wall.
"Shall I describe it to you, or should I get you a box?" I asked with a smirk. He glared up at me as the dark clouds above us opened. Soon, the pouring rain had drenched me to the skin. Gimli's mood didn't improve as the orcs got closer.
I then looked to my right, down the line of Elves. A few men were tucked in here and there, and the occasional child. I couldn't help but think how awful it was that we had to use human children to fight. But it was too late now. I caught Haldir's eye and nodded to him. Then I noticed two shorter figures right next to him. I squinted to make our their faces through the pouring rain; they looked awfully familiar...
"Get ready!" Aragorn yelled in Elvish. I turned my attention away from the children and nocked an arrow to my bow. I watched as all the inexperienced (human) archers followed suit.
"Hold your fire!" Aragorn called. Unfortunately, an old man mistook him for saying "fire", and let his arrow go. It embedded itself in the forehead of an orc on the front lines. The other orcs watched as it crumpled to the ground, then yelled in rage. Black arrows came flying at our army from every direction.
"FIRE!" Aragorn yelled. I shot my first arrow, and hit an orc right in its neck. Soon the air was filled with arrows. I shot several orcs before they started putting up ladders against the wall. The first one came up right by Haldir. I ran down to help him push it off.
As I halted next to the Elves, an orc appeared over the edge of the wall, aiming its axe right for one of those two children. "Look out!" I cried, and pushed their head out of the way before killing the orc. Haldir and I looked down at the child that I had pushed away, and gasped when we saw long blonde hair framing their face.
~Laura POV~
"Crap!" I yelled as the ladder appeared right in front of me and an orc started climbing up it. "Ohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrap..." I suddenly kind of regretted ever going up there.
The orc climbed over the wall and raised its axe. "Look out!" someone yelled, and pushed me out of the way. My helmet went flying off. I turned around and watched as the person killed the orc, then looked at me. I groaned. The person was Legolas. He gasped.
"LAURA!" he and Haldir both roared.
"Heheh... erm... fancy seeing you guys here, heheh... *cough cough*," I said.
"Laura, what in the name of Eru do you think you're doing here!?" Legolas yelled.
"Um... helping kill the bad dudes?"
"Wrong answer," Legolas said angrily. "Now get back down in the caves with the other women and children!"
"But they just want to sit around and cry and moan and stuff!"
"Well go and join them!"
"What about Lauren?" I shot back.
"Laur-!" Legolas ripped the helmet off Lauren's head. "YOU TWO GET OUT OF HERE!" he yelled.
"LEGGY!!!" Lauren screamed. An orc had climbed up behind us and was about to kill Legolas. He brought out his knives and did his little twirly circus act thingy with them. The orc didn't have a chance. It was dead within five seconds.
"I GIVE IT A TEN!" I yelled over the fighting.
"I GIVE IT AN EIGHT... THE FORM WAS GOOD, BUT THE PROCESS WAS SLOW," Lauren called back. We started laughing.
"This is not a laughing matter!" Haldir scolded, picking up where Legolas had left off. "You two get back to the caves right this instant!"
"And if we refuse?" I asked sweetly.
"You'll have to go anyway," he said sternly.
"Hmm..." I pretended to ponder over this. "Sorry, Hal-O babe, don't see it happening. Toodles!" I blew him an air kiss then darted under his outstretched arms, Lauren following me closely.
"We have gotten past the enemy spies!" I heard her say. "Now to kill the other enemy without getting killed ourselves."
"Yay!" We darted between groups of fighters, getting as far away from the hot-yet-evil Elf dudes. "Are they following us?" I called to Lauren.
She looked over her shoulder. "Nope!" We stopped and tried to find something to kill. It didn't take long. Another ladder appeared over the top of the wall.
"OH SHIT!!!!" I screamed. "HELP ME, LAUREN!" We both pushed as hard as we could and knocked the ladder over, killing the orcs that had been on it. "Woot woot!" we yelled as we high-fived each other. "Oh yeah, we rock! Uh- huh, yes we do! Yes we do! Yes we-"
"Don't."
I spun around. "YOU!!!" I cried, pointing at Legolas. "Pbbbbt* to you!"
*This is what I write whenever I want to give someone a raspberry.
"Get down to the caves RIGHT NOW!" he yelled in my face.
"It's called BRUSHING YOUR TEETH!! And no, 'cause you haven't done your cool little skate-down-the-stairs-on-the-shield-thingy yet! I gotta see that!" I explained.
"Well, too bad, because you're going down there whether you like it or not!" he exclaimed, grabbing us by our collars. He dragged us back towards the entrance to the caves. We passed by the stairway. I looked over the wall, just in time to see Haldir kill an orc, and another one raise its axe over his head.
"HALDIR!" Lauren and I screamed. Faster than I could follow, Legolas had let go of our collars, grabbed an arrow, and sent it flying into the orc's neck. And that's all I remember, officer. Because at that point I became a little distracted by an orc about to kill me.
~Lauren POV~
No sooner had we saved Haldir's life that I had to save Laura's. An orc a few feet behind her was nocking an arrow and aiming it right towards her. "LOOK OUT!" I screamed, and knocked her out of the way. The orc let go of the arrow, and it embedded itself into my arm.
"OH @$#&!!!!!!*" I screamed. Actually, to be quite honest, it didn't hurt that much. It was more out of surprise that I yelled that.
*I'm not THAT potty-mouthed! Jeez...
Laura became furious. Much to my surprise (and the orc's, too, I think), she ran right up to him and swiped off its head, panting with fury. "And that's kicking ass!" she yelled, and imitated Drew Barrymore's little dance thing from Charlie's Angels. Then she remembered that I was hurt (being the wonderful friend that she is... HA!) and ran over. "Ohmygawdareyouokdoesit- hurtdoyouwannagodowntothecavesandgetabandageohI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryyyyyyy yyy-yyyy!!!" she wailed.
"Dude Laura chill out! Let's just amscray down to the caves before we get into any more trouble!" I said. So we high-tailed it outta there and went back into the vaults, where Helen put some ointment on my arm and wrapped it up.
We sat and told everyone what was going on, and reassured all the faithless people that we would win the battle. Then everyone turned their attention away from us (boohoo!) and went back to mourning or whatever it was they were doing.
After about ten minutes of silence from both of us, Laura spoke. "Y'know Lauren, Legolas and Aragorn are gonna kill us for going out there," she said.
"Yeah, I know," I muttered. I wasn't exactly looking forward to that. We both sighed.
"Plus we're gonna miss Gandalf's big entrance," she said after another few minutes.
"We miss out on all the fun," I whined.
+++++
An hour later we faced the wrath of one pissed-off Ranger/future king and a furious Elf prince.
"WHAT were you THINKING in what little brains you have!?" Legolas yelled, waving his arms around wildly.
"You could have been killed!" Aragorn added. "I mean, look what happened to Lauren!" he said, gesturing to my arm.
"Yeah, but we WEREN'T killed!" Laura argued. "Do you really think that we would come all the way to Middle-earth from our world and NOT participate in the legendary Battle of Helm's Deep!? I think not!"
"It doesn't matter if this battle is going to be legendary in your world or not! What matters is your safety! Whether you (or we) like it or not, we're responsible for you! What if you had been killed?" Aragorn asked, calming down slightly.
Both Laura and I were quiet for a minute. "Would it help if I said I was sowwy?" I asked, talking in a baby voice and giving them the PUPPY EYES OF DOOM.
Legolas sighed. "Fine. As much as we would like to, we cannot change the past. But from now on, you MUST do whatever we tell you to, and you MUST do it immediately, understood Laura?" he asked, glaring at her.
"Why do you always blame things on me?" she protested.
"Because they're always your fault. Lauren, which one of you led the other to the armory? Be honest." Legolas glared harshly at me.
I sighed. "Laura," I muttered.
"And whose idea was it to fight?"
"Laura's."
"Well pbbbbt to all of you," she muttered. Then she got an idea. "Leggy?" she said in a perfectly angelic voice.
"What?"
"I sowwy," she said, looking sheepishly at the ground.
He sighed again. "It's alright."
"Yay. Bend down," she ordered.
"Why?"
"So I can pat you on the head. You're too tall as it is."
Legolas raised his eyebrow at her, then turned on his heel and walked away.
Laura scowled at his retreating form. "You big evil fudge monkey!" she yelled.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Okay, this chapter was kind of pbbbbbt. But I had no inspiration, and I was suffering from that awful disease known as (dundundun!) WRITERS BLOCK!!! Oh, the horror!!!
Anyhap, pwease review and be kind! Thankies! Have a nice life.