*waves enthusiastically* Greetings from sunny Florida!! Woohoo!!
Well, I'm sitting in my bedroom of the beautiful cabana my family rented. (It's GREEN!) I'm SO EXCITED. Vaca Key is absolutely *gorgeous*!!
You may be wondering, how the heck is she writing this if she didn't have a computer? WRONG-O!!! My daddy let me bring the laptop! Yayness!! ^__^
So, anywho, it's nighttime and everyone's asleep... except for me, of course. So, I decided I'd just hop on the computer and do what I enjoy the most... work on my fanfic, "The Two Fools"! You should be so happy that I'm currently suffering from insomnia. I'm going to be expecting many, many, MANY thank-you's when I get home from St. Louis. (I'll be posting this the afternoon that I get back from Florida.)
The only thing that sucks about this trip is that... *sob* THE DVD DRIVE ON THIS ACCURSED PIECE OF TECHNOLOGY ISN'T WORKING!!! In other words, I can't watch the most wonderfulest movie in the whole wide... universe! (LOTR: FOTR, for all you people that live under rocks. Actually, it's second best. TTT was ten times better, I thought. Much more Lego, and awesome action scenes.) No Legolas either... *sobs uncontrollably* *sniffle* W- well, at least I c-can look at the cover of the DVD, r-right? *looks at it* OMG HE'S SO HOT!!! *completely gets over her self-pity and drools all over the cover* Legolasssssssssss... *walks off cliff replaying the "Surfing in Middle-Earth" scene from TTT with Legolas in her mind*
SPLAT. Ow... *gets up, dusts self off* *ahem* And so, without further ado, I bring you, live from loverly Isengard, Middle-Earth, CHAPTER TEN!!! *trumpets blow*
P.S. ERLACK!!! This stupid thing doesn't have the pretty little wavy line-a- ma-bobber...*grumbles* That is, like, the best button on the whole keyboard! Ah well...
**********
Chapter 10: The asparagus and carrot fairies
Life can be cruel. So can hamsters. But right now we're talking about life. And that whole comment that I just made has nothing to do with what I'm about to tell you. So, let's ignore Laura's stupidity and move right along like good little Girl/Boy Scouts.
Today was the day that Gandalf would go to talk to Saruman. Basically, ol' Sar-man screws him over. But it was even better, because Lauren and I were there. I bet Acorn and Waffle boy were just THRILLED. :-D
We were all sitting around that blasted fire AGAIN. I mean honestly! There was nothing, and I mean NOTHING, to do. Lauren and I were doing what we do best: annoying the hell out of everyone. However, I down right refused to bother Merry and Pippin. They were too cute! (Odd how I call 30-year-old hobbits cute, eh?)
"Aragorn," Lauren said in a sing-songy voice.
"Yes?"
"Do you think I'm cute?" she asked sweetly. I snorted so hard that I choked on the piece of bread I was chewing. Legolas rolled his eyes and pounded me on my back.
Acorn raised one eyebrow and stared at Lauren, then turned a slight crimson color. Pippin and I started giggling insanely, as Merry fell off of the log he was sitting on from laughing too hard. Legolas was shaking his head, chuckling. Lauren, however, was waiting expectantly with a huge grin on her face.
Aragorn's face went from slightly pink to a brilliant color of red. "Well, I... er..." he stuttered. Lauren's grin broadened, and I went "Awww!" Legolas looked at his friend with an expression of pity and amusement. And Pippin? Pippin had forgotten to breathe (the poor dear) and had passed out from laughing.
I looked around, still chuckling. "Hey... haha... where's Merry?" I said, noticing that the little bugga was missing.
Everyone looked around them. "There he is!" Legolas said. He pointed to two figures a bit far away: one very short, obviously Merry, and one fairly tall, but bent over with age. I assumed (correctly) that the other was Gandalf. But there was one other person that I couldn't see clearly.
"Who's the third dude, Waffle Boy?" I asked.
"That's Théoden, you fruitcake," Lauren said. "Dur!" She swatted the back of my head. My poor scalp was getting quite a beating during this whole adventure... quest... thing. Agh, I just stole Pippin's line! *hugs Pippin, then continues*
"Let us go and meet them," Legolas said.
"Let us go and meet them," I imitated in a girly voice. Legolas glared at me, and I gave him my most angelic grin.
We all went to see Gandalf and Théoden. I started another giggle fit as Pippin woke up behind us and yelled, "Oy! Wait for me!" in his sweet accent. I, unlike SOME PEOPLE *cough cough everyone that isn't me* waited for him to catch up.
"Ah, thank you, Miss Laura," he said. I grinned like the idiot that I am.
"You're welcome!" I said, and rubbed the top of his head. (Think Boromir and Frodo on Caradhras.) He smiled a cute smile and we walked after everyone else.
We caught up just as Gandalf started talking: "Well, Treebeard and I have had some interesting discussions, and made a few plans," he said. "And we have all had some much-needed rest. But now we must be going again. I hope that you have all rested and refreshed yourselves?"
"Yes sir, Mr. Gandalf, sir!" I barked, and saluted like a soldier. "We do not smell like a dirty monkey anymore, sir! No, sir! Lauren and myself are the only ones that have taken baths, sir! Do we get out of KP duty?" Lauren buried her face in her hands and groaned. "Wait a second," I said, realizing something. "Did you say Treebeard?"
Gandalf sighed a slightly irritated sigh. "Yes, Laura. He is my friend, and we have discussed things, like I just told you. Do you have a short attention span?"
"No, I don- OOH, A FLUTTERBY!!" I chased after a butterfly that had just flown past us. Someone grabbed the collar of my tunic. Ooh, guess who?
"Little fool," Legolas muttered, pulling me back.
I stuck my tongue out at him as Gandalf yakked on. "I shall now go and attempt to speak to Saruman," he announced, and started to walk towards Orthanc.
"We wanna go, too!" Lauren yelled, running after him. Everyone else followed at a slightly slower pace.
When we came to the base of the tower, I suddenly freaked out. It was a lot scarier than I thought. I mean, God, an evil wizard lived there! He could strike me down by blowing his nose if he wanted to!
"I shall go up," Gandalf said. "I have been in Orthanc and I know my peril."
"Can I ask him about a few tips? Ever since he made Gandalf break dance, I've wanted to do that to Lauren. But alas, I do not know freaky-deaky majick," I wiggled my fingers at everyone, "and I need to ask for a few pointers."
"No Laura-"
"Aw, c'mon!"
"-you cannot. Saruman is a powerful wizard, and should not be jested at," Aragorn warned.
I sighed as Théoden said that he, too, would go with Gandalf.
"But even the old king dude gets to go up! He can, like, barely walk! At least let us come with to help him up the stairs," Lauren complained. We both gave Acorn and Puff the PUPPY EYES OF DOOM. "Remember, I'm cute!" she said with a grin.
They turned to Gandalf, who finally gave up. "Fine," Legolas said with a sigh. "But if you make even a little slip of the tongue, LAURA-" he emphasized my name (gee, I don't know why)- "-I shall personally stick an arrow in your rear."
Lauren's and my eyes got wide at this threat. I mean, Legolas had NEVER threatened us before... Wait, scratch that last remark.
Legolas had never SERIOUSLY threatened us before, and now he was saying he'd stick an arrow in my arse if I screwed up!
"Okay," I squeaked. I slightly feared for the safety of my behind.
Gandalf started walking up the stairs. Théoden went next, followed by Aragorn, Gimli, Lauren, Legolas, Pippin, Merry, and lastly me. (I tried to stay as far away as possible from the butt-happy elf.)
The group got to the top of the stairs, and Gandalf started banging on the door with his staff. "Saruman! Saruman, come forth!" he commanded.
After what seemed like an eternity in hell, a window opened above the door. "What is it? What do you want?" said a raspy voice.
"Aha! The Goth one has returned! He- oops..." I had burst out at an inappropriate time... again. Legolas turned around with an amused/angry expression and held up an arrow, twirling it in his fingers. I quickly edged to the back of the group.
"I know that voice," Théoden said, "and I curse the day when I first listened to it."
"Go fetch Saruman, since you have become his servant, Wormtongue," Gandalf ordered. The window closed. Lauren dashed back to where I was standing, and we both trembled like... erm... trembling 15-year-olds. Soon we would see HIM. The Bad Guy. The One Who Wanted the Ring. The Wizard Who Accidentally Used Too Much Bleach On His Robes. He Who-
"What is it? What do you want?" said a different voice. This one was low and quiet. Suddenly I felt all happy and carefree... almost like I was high on something. (Not that I've ever been high. And no, sugar does NOT count.)
I stared up at the balcony that the voice had floated out from. An old man was standing at the railing. He was dressed in a robe. The color was hard to tell, though, because it changed every time he moved. His beard and hair were white, but had a few streaks of black here and there.
"Well?" he said. "Why must you disturb my rest? Will you give me no peace by night or day?"
His voice sounded sad, like he hadn't deserved to be bothered. I was surprised as I muttered, "I am sorry" to him. I could see Lauren, Aragorn and Legolas turn to gawk at me out of the corner of my eyes, but I didn't look at them. I couldn't seem to tear my eyes away from Saruman.
He smiled kindly at me before continuing. I returned the smile. "But come now, I know at least two of you by name. Gandalf I know too well to have much hope that he seeks help or counsel here. But you, Théoden, are declared by your noble devices..." he continued on for a few minutes, asking why Théoden found him evil and the like. I was still staring transfixed at him. Part of my brain screamed that I should turn away. But another part said that I must listen to him.
Suddenly Gimli blurted out. "Your words stand on their heads," he growled. "In the language of Orthanc help means destruction, saving means slaying. That is plain. But we didn't come here to beg."
Somehow this partly snapped me out of the trance I had been in. I shook my head, then glared at Saruman. He had tricked me! The fruitcake! I'll have his head! But I still seemed somewhat... floaty.
"Peace!" Saruman yelled. His voice was angry. That did it. I was completely free from his grasp.
"HA. You don't have control of me anymore," I whispered in a sing-songy voice. Lauren clapped her hand over my mouth.
"I did not speak to you yet, Gimli son of Gloin, nor you, Laura daughter of Pamela," Saruman said in a suave voice.
"Oh yeah, like that'll sway me!" I said angrily after tearing Lauren's hand off of my mouth. Then it hit me. "How'd you know my mom's name was Pam?" I asked.
But, of course, he, like everyone else, ignored me. This seems to be happening more and more often these days, I thought to myself. Saruman yakked on some more about Théoden (who I think was his lover at one time... well, that's just my messed-up mind). Then he yakked on about Eomer, then about having peace and friendship with Rohan.
Théoden looked at him for a moment. "We shall have peace," he said firmly. "Yes, we shall have peace when all your works have finished, and the works of your master whom you would deliver us to. You are a liar, Saruman..." blah blady blah bloop. Hence Saruman got angry.
He ran to the rail and leaned over it. "Gibbets and crows!" he hissed. I snorted at this. What? I mean, who the hell says "Gibbets and crows"? Uh- oh, big mistake. Legolas spun around with anger written all over his face. "When we get through here..." he mouthed. He let me finish the sentence myself.
Yes, so Saruman talked for a while longer about how the house of Eorl was a barn or something. I wasn't really paying attention. I was too worried about my arse to be bothered with something that doesn't even concern me. Then when Gandalf offered him freedom, Saruman made fun of him, blah blah blah...
"It is over," Gandalf murmured as Saruman disappeared from the rail. "Let us go." He led us away towards the gates of Isengard. I walked quickly to the front, praying to the soup demons that Waffle Boy would forget about my ass. But, being the "wise and fair Elf" that he is, he didn't. Okay, so I'm not arguing with the "fair" part... obviously. But the wise part? Well, obviously Tolkien had never been around Legolas very much.
I shrieked slightly as he grabbed my arm. "Do you have any idea what could have happened to you back there!?" he hissed in my ear. I flinched as he tightened his grip. "How thick are you? Honestly-"
"Peace, Legolas," Gandalf said quietly, making a peace sign with his fingers. Well, except for the second part. "She is but a child. Things such as this are beyond her control."
We gaped at him for a minute, then I turned to Legolas. "HA!" I screamed, pointing a finger in his face. "Double HA with a hyphen! YOU LOSE!!!" I poked him in the chest with each word just for good measure. Then I skipped away happily with Lauren, my butt still in tact, thank goodness.
As we got a bit farther away from the tower, I heard a clanging noise. I spun around just in time to see a glass orb soar through the air and hit a metal railing. It bounced off and...
"SHIT!" I screamed. The damn thing hit me right on the forehead! "Oweeeee!" I cried, rubbing my poor head.
Pippin ran to pick the palantir up, which made Gandalf mad. Jeez, a little power happy, isn't he?
I scowled at Lauren, who was laughing at me. So I did what any sensible person would NOT do (since I am not a sensible person). I head butted her.
"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeoowch!!" we wailed. Great. Juuust great. Now my headache was, like, a gazillion billion trillion times worse. Wow that's a big number. I groaned and sat on the ground, feeling like I would puke.
I guess my poor little girl image pays off sometimes. I heard someone sigh, then felt a hand on my forehead. The pain started to go away. I looked up at the hand, and immediately recognized it as Legolas' by the long fingers.
"Yay for elvish healing powers!" I cheered after he had finished. "High five, mah man!" I held up my hand. He smiled slightly and slapped it. "You have learned well, young Jedi," I told him in a Yoda voice. "Reward you we must."
He pondered this for a second. "No thank you, Laura. I'm not sure I would want a reward from you. Valar knows what substance I would get poured on me."
I gaped. "How did you KNOW?"
"I didn't. But I do now." He smirked.
"Poo-head." I walked ahead of him and ran right into Gandalf, who was talking to someone I couldn't see. There was a tree in my way.
"And these are my companions," Gandalf said. Then he pointed to Gimli, Aragorn, and Legolas in turn. Then an odd thing happened. A voice spoke to Legolas, and he spoke back. Aw, man. The voices don't just talk to me anymore, I thought miserably.
Then it hit me, just as Legolas got done talking to no one. Or so I had thought.
"TREEBEARD!" I screeched without thinking. I swear I'm not blonde! Well, I am, but I'm not as stupid as I sound. Wait. Never mind.
"Hoo hum, now. Who are these young things?" Treebeard asked, gesturing to Lauren and I.
"They are our companions. The silly, obnoxious blonde one is Laura-" I grinned, despite Legolas' comments, and waved- "and the brunette is Lauren."
"Hm hum," Treebeard mumbled, but there was a smile on his... erm, tree-y lips. "Saplings. They are so hasty. Most unnatural." Then he bent down to get a closer look at us. Lauren freaked out and hid behind Aragorn. I stood my ground. No way was I going to pass up the chance to talk to Treebeard. He is way too cool to ignore. "Hm. Now where do you come from, Laura?" he asked in his booming voice.
"Well," I said mysteriously, "I come from a land called..." I paused dramatically, "*Indiana*." Lauren stifled a giggle.
"Hoo hum, now. I have never heard of this... Indinea. Is it far from here?"
"Erm... you could say that."
He blinked and then did his tree-ish smile thingy again. "Saplings are so interesting. Hmm hoo." I grinned at him, then walked back to where Lauren was enjoying herself with Aragorn.
"You are so odd," she told me.
"So I've heard. But come now, young sapling," I said, imitating Treebeard, "let us go back to our camp. Hoo hum. I feel the need for food in my stomach." I started lumbering slowly away. Lauren grinned and followed.
********* A while later, Lauren went down to what was left of the lake to clean my clothes like she had promised. I, unfortunately, had to take care of Arthur while she was gone.
Man, I hated that cat. It was bad enough that it spied on me when I was changing. Now it had something against me. Every time I took my eyes off of him, the little freak would climb up a tree or something and I'd have to get Legolas to get him down.
After this happened about five times, I gave up. "That's it!" I exclaimed. "I'm going to bed!" By that time it was almost dark, and I was exhausted. But alas, before I could hop into my wonderfully warm blanket, Aragorn and Legolas each put a hand on my shoulder.
"You are not going to leave that little devil for us to take care of," Aragorn said.
"Pwease, Acorn?" I said in a baby voice.
"No. I've already gotten more scratches from him than I got in battle." He held up his hands and, sure enough, they were covered in little scratches.
"And I haven't fared much better," Legolas added. He rolled up his sleeve and showed me four long gashes down his forearm. I couldn't help but smirk. Mmm, muscular... mwahahahahaa.
"But you would not want a poor, innocent maiden to be injured by such a fell beast, would you?" I crooned, imitating Arwen.
Aragorn and Legolas looked at each other, then burst out laughing. "Innocent?" Legolas practically shrieked. This just made them laugh harder.
"Ugh, go bite Saruman's ass," I muttered, picking up Arthur by the scruff of his neck. The little fruitcake growled and spat, trying to scratch my arm. But he didn't! No, he couldn't reach my arm!
"Laura, 1! Stupid cat, zippo!" I yelled as I saw Lauren, who was walking back towards us.
She screamed when she saw how I was holding the little beast. "You'll hurt him!" she wailed, grabbing Arthur and cuddling him. Immediately the cat became calm, and started purring like a motor. She grinned as she saw Aragorn, Legolas and I gaping at her. "I don't think he likes you," she said sweetly, walking past. So I pushed her in a puddle.
THE END.
*Later in the night *
I woke up to someone crying out in fright. I sat up and saw Pippin sitting at the edge of our camp, holding the palantir. "Pippin! What are you doing!" I hissed. But it was too late. Already everyone had woken up and Gandalf was stooped over him, yelling at him for stealing the palantir.
I felt so sorry for him. But then something else caught my attention.
"Receive it, lord!" I heard Gandalf say. I turned and frowned. Gandalf was giving Aragorn the palantir!
"But... but... it would have made a wonderful addition to my marble collection!" I wailed. Lauren slapped me. "Ow..."
Then Aragorn said something, then Theoden said something, then Aragorn said something else, etcetera etcetera. They talked for a looooooooooooooong time.
Once everyone I thought they wouldn't notice, I snuck over to where Pippin was lying.
"Hey," I whispered. He looked at me, then looked down at the ground.
"Aw, Pip-pip, it's ok. I know how you feel. Sometimes, my parents buy some candy, and they're like, 'Laura, do not eat the candy.' Of course, that's almost the same as saying, 'Laura, take the candy and eat it all. But once you do, you'll lose your behind.' It's nothing to worry about. It's simply human- er, hobbit nature."
He smiled slightly, then his face fell. "He said so many evil things. He asked why I hadn't obeyed him. It was horrible." Tears welled up in his eyes, and I thought I might cry.
"Pippin, it's ok. Nothing bad happened. Trust me. Even though Gandalf seems like an old poop, and IS an old poop, he's a very smart and very wise old poop. He said that Sauron hasn't found out anything, and if he said that, he's right." He opened his mouth to speak. "And don't worry about him calling you a fool, either," I interrupted. "You might be a fool, but I'm an even bigger fool. So, we can run off to Foolville together and happily live as idiots for the rest of our days."
He looked up at me and grinned sweetly. "Thanks, Miss Laura. That made me feel better." My god, he was so cute! I mean baby cute. (A/N: No, I DO NOT love Pippin. But he's my second favorite character, after Legolas. Mmm, yummy elf. ;-D)
I smiled and scruffed up his hair. "Any time, bubba. Don't worry 'bout it." I started to crawl back to where I was sleeping.
"And I don't think you're a fool," he added quietly.
I turned around to look at him and grinned. "Thanks. G'night." Then I curled up in my blanket.
*Next morning*
I was in one of those trances. You know, like, in the morning, when you're awake, but you're not. I was kind of dozing.
Suddenly I felt something wet on my lips. As you might imagine, this woke me up slightly. Oh, no, not completely. Only a bit.
"UUUUGGGGGGGGGH!!!! EWWW!!! GET IT OFF!!!" I screamed, frantically wiping my mouth. Okay, so I was a bit more awake than usual.
I scowled and looked up, then gasped. Legolas was leaning over me!
"WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THINGS CHEESY DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING!?" I screeched. I mean, duh! He had just licked me or something!
"Laura, calm yourself! It wasn't me!"
"Oh, I'm sorry, Legolas. I forgot that the asparagus and carrot fairies sometimes come to me in my sleep and pour water on my mouth. LIKE HELL IT WASN'T YOU!!"
"Laura, look." He rolled his eyes and held up Arthur.
"The cat? What the hell does the friggin' cat have anything to do with this!?"
He sighed. "How thick are you! I woke up when you started screaming. Arthur, or whatever it's name is, was licking your face."
"Wha-? Oooooooooooooooh," I said, a look of revelation on my face. Then I realized how incredibly retarded I had been. I could feel the color rising to my cheeks. I groaned and buried myself under my blanket.
"Are you alright?" he asked.
"Meh..."
"Don't you think you need to say something to me?"
"Sarwy," I mumbled into my bag (which was still doubling as my pillow}.
"Apology accepted." I heard him stand up.
Why does all the weird stuff happen to me!?
********
Okay, fellow doonas, I'm sorry that this chapter sucked. I was in Florida and my mind was wandering and I don't really understand the story from here 'til about... oh let's see... page 200 something of ROTK, where Legolas and Gimli go off to some place that I can't remember. See? I'm such a fool of a Took. Oh well.
Once again, sorry! I guarantee this will be even more confusing after this! :'( I feel bad that I can't write better. Oh well. I'm gonna have someone explain the basics of the last part of TTT (at least the part with Aragorn, Gandalf, Legolas, etc.) and ROTK to me. Or maybe I'll buy Cliffs Notes. Either one would work. Perhaps I'll just wait until ROTK comes out in theatres til I write next. But, since I don't want to wait, and I'm hoping that YOU don't want to, either, then, if you'll be so kind as to e- mail me some sort of overview of the end of TTT and ROTK, I would be SO THANKFUL. Maybe I'll even put you into my story as... erm... someone. Yes, well.
Also, if I didn't follow the book quite right, I'm really, really sorry about that. Like I said, I don't really understand the books from about this point on. *sigh* Yeah, I know what you're thinking. Wow, Laura sucks at writing. Plus she's too stupid to understand a simple book like ROTK. Yeah, well, you're right. I'm purdy stoopid. I'm the definition of a "dumb blonde".
Anyhap, if you'd be so kind as to do so, e-mail me at lutra1@ameritech.net with the basics of ROTK.
Oh well, a plus side: my dad got the DVD drive on this damned piece of metal and... other stuff. Ugh, its so not fair. My dad sucks with computers, yet the first time he puts the %&$# disk in the drive, it worked! So I was sitting in a plane and/or a car for 6 hours straight with nothing to do but ogle at the cover of the DVD. Oh well, only about a month till TTT comes out on video!!!! YESSSS!!! And I'll be getting it the day that it comes out, cause I pre-ordered it from Amazon. Woot woot!! *does a happy booty dance* Erg, I must stop doing that.
Another plus side, you may ask? Oh yes. There's a place called the Cabana Club. All the people that are staying in our resort can go there to swim, drink beer (well, the people over 21), and other fun stuff. Did I mention that the guy that was running the counter was extremely hot and was only about 3 years older than me? Yeah. So I stayed and "chatted" *cough cough flirted* with him for a while. Tres fun! ;-D Plus, eres muchos muchachos mexicanos y guapos! *giggles insanely* That means, there were lots of cute Mexican guys! And American, too. But I like foreigners. They are so... erm... interesting. Yes, they are very irresistible- I mean interesting.
Well, my pretties, I shall shut my flapping mouth and go off to eat some shrimp right off o' the barbie.
Toodles!
-Laura, the elf stalker that can't write even if her life depended on it.
Well, I'm sitting in my bedroom of the beautiful cabana my family rented. (It's GREEN!) I'm SO EXCITED. Vaca Key is absolutely *gorgeous*!!
You may be wondering, how the heck is she writing this if she didn't have a computer? WRONG-O!!! My daddy let me bring the laptop! Yayness!! ^__^
So, anywho, it's nighttime and everyone's asleep... except for me, of course. So, I decided I'd just hop on the computer and do what I enjoy the most... work on my fanfic, "The Two Fools"! You should be so happy that I'm currently suffering from insomnia. I'm going to be expecting many, many, MANY thank-you's when I get home from St. Louis. (I'll be posting this the afternoon that I get back from Florida.)
The only thing that sucks about this trip is that... *sob* THE DVD DRIVE ON THIS ACCURSED PIECE OF TECHNOLOGY ISN'T WORKING!!! In other words, I can't watch the most wonderfulest movie in the whole wide... universe! (LOTR: FOTR, for all you people that live under rocks. Actually, it's second best. TTT was ten times better, I thought. Much more Lego, and awesome action scenes.) No Legolas either... *sobs uncontrollably* *sniffle* W- well, at least I c-can look at the cover of the DVD, r-right? *looks at it* OMG HE'S SO HOT!!! *completely gets over her self-pity and drools all over the cover* Legolasssssssssss... *walks off cliff replaying the "Surfing in Middle-Earth" scene from TTT with Legolas in her mind*
SPLAT. Ow... *gets up, dusts self off* *ahem* And so, without further ado, I bring you, live from loverly Isengard, Middle-Earth, CHAPTER TEN!!! *trumpets blow*
P.S. ERLACK!!! This stupid thing doesn't have the pretty little wavy line-a- ma-bobber...*grumbles* That is, like, the best button on the whole keyboard! Ah well...
**********
Chapter 10: The asparagus and carrot fairies
Life can be cruel. So can hamsters. But right now we're talking about life. And that whole comment that I just made has nothing to do with what I'm about to tell you. So, let's ignore Laura's stupidity and move right along like good little Girl/Boy Scouts.
Today was the day that Gandalf would go to talk to Saruman. Basically, ol' Sar-man screws him over. But it was even better, because Lauren and I were there. I bet Acorn and Waffle boy were just THRILLED. :-D
We were all sitting around that blasted fire AGAIN. I mean honestly! There was nothing, and I mean NOTHING, to do. Lauren and I were doing what we do best: annoying the hell out of everyone. However, I down right refused to bother Merry and Pippin. They were too cute! (Odd how I call 30-year-old hobbits cute, eh?)
"Aragorn," Lauren said in a sing-songy voice.
"Yes?"
"Do you think I'm cute?" she asked sweetly. I snorted so hard that I choked on the piece of bread I was chewing. Legolas rolled his eyes and pounded me on my back.
Acorn raised one eyebrow and stared at Lauren, then turned a slight crimson color. Pippin and I started giggling insanely, as Merry fell off of the log he was sitting on from laughing too hard. Legolas was shaking his head, chuckling. Lauren, however, was waiting expectantly with a huge grin on her face.
Aragorn's face went from slightly pink to a brilliant color of red. "Well, I... er..." he stuttered. Lauren's grin broadened, and I went "Awww!" Legolas looked at his friend with an expression of pity and amusement. And Pippin? Pippin had forgotten to breathe (the poor dear) and had passed out from laughing.
I looked around, still chuckling. "Hey... haha... where's Merry?" I said, noticing that the little bugga was missing.
Everyone looked around them. "There he is!" Legolas said. He pointed to two figures a bit far away: one very short, obviously Merry, and one fairly tall, but bent over with age. I assumed (correctly) that the other was Gandalf. But there was one other person that I couldn't see clearly.
"Who's the third dude, Waffle Boy?" I asked.
"That's Théoden, you fruitcake," Lauren said. "Dur!" She swatted the back of my head. My poor scalp was getting quite a beating during this whole adventure... quest... thing. Agh, I just stole Pippin's line! *hugs Pippin, then continues*
"Let us go and meet them," Legolas said.
"Let us go and meet them," I imitated in a girly voice. Legolas glared at me, and I gave him my most angelic grin.
We all went to see Gandalf and Théoden. I started another giggle fit as Pippin woke up behind us and yelled, "Oy! Wait for me!" in his sweet accent. I, unlike SOME PEOPLE *cough cough everyone that isn't me* waited for him to catch up.
"Ah, thank you, Miss Laura," he said. I grinned like the idiot that I am.
"You're welcome!" I said, and rubbed the top of his head. (Think Boromir and Frodo on Caradhras.) He smiled a cute smile and we walked after everyone else.
We caught up just as Gandalf started talking: "Well, Treebeard and I have had some interesting discussions, and made a few plans," he said. "And we have all had some much-needed rest. But now we must be going again. I hope that you have all rested and refreshed yourselves?"
"Yes sir, Mr. Gandalf, sir!" I barked, and saluted like a soldier. "We do not smell like a dirty monkey anymore, sir! No, sir! Lauren and myself are the only ones that have taken baths, sir! Do we get out of KP duty?" Lauren buried her face in her hands and groaned. "Wait a second," I said, realizing something. "Did you say Treebeard?"
Gandalf sighed a slightly irritated sigh. "Yes, Laura. He is my friend, and we have discussed things, like I just told you. Do you have a short attention span?"
"No, I don- OOH, A FLUTTERBY!!" I chased after a butterfly that had just flown past us. Someone grabbed the collar of my tunic. Ooh, guess who?
"Little fool," Legolas muttered, pulling me back.
I stuck my tongue out at him as Gandalf yakked on. "I shall now go and attempt to speak to Saruman," he announced, and started to walk towards Orthanc.
"We wanna go, too!" Lauren yelled, running after him. Everyone else followed at a slightly slower pace.
When we came to the base of the tower, I suddenly freaked out. It was a lot scarier than I thought. I mean, God, an evil wizard lived there! He could strike me down by blowing his nose if he wanted to!
"I shall go up," Gandalf said. "I have been in Orthanc and I know my peril."
"Can I ask him about a few tips? Ever since he made Gandalf break dance, I've wanted to do that to Lauren. But alas, I do not know freaky-deaky majick," I wiggled my fingers at everyone, "and I need to ask for a few pointers."
"No Laura-"
"Aw, c'mon!"
"-you cannot. Saruman is a powerful wizard, and should not be jested at," Aragorn warned.
I sighed as Théoden said that he, too, would go with Gandalf.
"But even the old king dude gets to go up! He can, like, barely walk! At least let us come with to help him up the stairs," Lauren complained. We both gave Acorn and Puff the PUPPY EYES OF DOOM. "Remember, I'm cute!" she said with a grin.
They turned to Gandalf, who finally gave up. "Fine," Legolas said with a sigh. "But if you make even a little slip of the tongue, LAURA-" he emphasized my name (gee, I don't know why)- "-I shall personally stick an arrow in your rear."
Lauren's and my eyes got wide at this threat. I mean, Legolas had NEVER threatened us before... Wait, scratch that last remark.
Legolas had never SERIOUSLY threatened us before, and now he was saying he'd stick an arrow in my arse if I screwed up!
"Okay," I squeaked. I slightly feared for the safety of my behind.
Gandalf started walking up the stairs. Théoden went next, followed by Aragorn, Gimli, Lauren, Legolas, Pippin, Merry, and lastly me. (I tried to stay as far away as possible from the butt-happy elf.)
The group got to the top of the stairs, and Gandalf started banging on the door with his staff. "Saruman! Saruman, come forth!" he commanded.
After what seemed like an eternity in hell, a window opened above the door. "What is it? What do you want?" said a raspy voice.
"Aha! The Goth one has returned! He- oops..." I had burst out at an inappropriate time... again. Legolas turned around with an amused/angry expression and held up an arrow, twirling it in his fingers. I quickly edged to the back of the group.
"I know that voice," Théoden said, "and I curse the day when I first listened to it."
"Go fetch Saruman, since you have become his servant, Wormtongue," Gandalf ordered. The window closed. Lauren dashed back to where I was standing, and we both trembled like... erm... trembling 15-year-olds. Soon we would see HIM. The Bad Guy. The One Who Wanted the Ring. The Wizard Who Accidentally Used Too Much Bleach On His Robes. He Who-
"What is it? What do you want?" said a different voice. This one was low and quiet. Suddenly I felt all happy and carefree... almost like I was high on something. (Not that I've ever been high. And no, sugar does NOT count.)
I stared up at the balcony that the voice had floated out from. An old man was standing at the railing. He was dressed in a robe. The color was hard to tell, though, because it changed every time he moved. His beard and hair were white, but had a few streaks of black here and there.
"Well?" he said. "Why must you disturb my rest? Will you give me no peace by night or day?"
His voice sounded sad, like he hadn't deserved to be bothered. I was surprised as I muttered, "I am sorry" to him. I could see Lauren, Aragorn and Legolas turn to gawk at me out of the corner of my eyes, but I didn't look at them. I couldn't seem to tear my eyes away from Saruman.
He smiled kindly at me before continuing. I returned the smile. "But come now, I know at least two of you by name. Gandalf I know too well to have much hope that he seeks help or counsel here. But you, Théoden, are declared by your noble devices..." he continued on for a few minutes, asking why Théoden found him evil and the like. I was still staring transfixed at him. Part of my brain screamed that I should turn away. But another part said that I must listen to him.
Suddenly Gimli blurted out. "Your words stand on their heads," he growled. "In the language of Orthanc help means destruction, saving means slaying. That is plain. But we didn't come here to beg."
Somehow this partly snapped me out of the trance I had been in. I shook my head, then glared at Saruman. He had tricked me! The fruitcake! I'll have his head! But I still seemed somewhat... floaty.
"Peace!" Saruman yelled. His voice was angry. That did it. I was completely free from his grasp.
"HA. You don't have control of me anymore," I whispered in a sing-songy voice. Lauren clapped her hand over my mouth.
"I did not speak to you yet, Gimli son of Gloin, nor you, Laura daughter of Pamela," Saruman said in a suave voice.
"Oh yeah, like that'll sway me!" I said angrily after tearing Lauren's hand off of my mouth. Then it hit me. "How'd you know my mom's name was Pam?" I asked.
But, of course, he, like everyone else, ignored me. This seems to be happening more and more often these days, I thought to myself. Saruman yakked on some more about Théoden (who I think was his lover at one time... well, that's just my messed-up mind). Then he yakked on about Eomer, then about having peace and friendship with Rohan.
Théoden looked at him for a moment. "We shall have peace," he said firmly. "Yes, we shall have peace when all your works have finished, and the works of your master whom you would deliver us to. You are a liar, Saruman..." blah blady blah bloop. Hence Saruman got angry.
He ran to the rail and leaned over it. "Gibbets and crows!" he hissed. I snorted at this. What? I mean, who the hell says "Gibbets and crows"? Uh- oh, big mistake. Legolas spun around with anger written all over his face. "When we get through here..." he mouthed. He let me finish the sentence myself.
Yes, so Saruman talked for a while longer about how the house of Eorl was a barn or something. I wasn't really paying attention. I was too worried about my arse to be bothered with something that doesn't even concern me. Then when Gandalf offered him freedom, Saruman made fun of him, blah blah blah...
"It is over," Gandalf murmured as Saruman disappeared from the rail. "Let us go." He led us away towards the gates of Isengard. I walked quickly to the front, praying to the soup demons that Waffle Boy would forget about my ass. But, being the "wise and fair Elf" that he is, he didn't. Okay, so I'm not arguing with the "fair" part... obviously. But the wise part? Well, obviously Tolkien had never been around Legolas very much.
I shrieked slightly as he grabbed my arm. "Do you have any idea what could have happened to you back there!?" he hissed in my ear. I flinched as he tightened his grip. "How thick are you? Honestly-"
"Peace, Legolas," Gandalf said quietly, making a peace sign with his fingers. Well, except for the second part. "She is but a child. Things such as this are beyond her control."
We gaped at him for a minute, then I turned to Legolas. "HA!" I screamed, pointing a finger in his face. "Double HA with a hyphen! YOU LOSE!!!" I poked him in the chest with each word just for good measure. Then I skipped away happily with Lauren, my butt still in tact, thank goodness.
As we got a bit farther away from the tower, I heard a clanging noise. I spun around just in time to see a glass orb soar through the air and hit a metal railing. It bounced off and...
"SHIT!" I screamed. The damn thing hit me right on the forehead! "Oweeeee!" I cried, rubbing my poor head.
Pippin ran to pick the palantir up, which made Gandalf mad. Jeez, a little power happy, isn't he?
I scowled at Lauren, who was laughing at me. So I did what any sensible person would NOT do (since I am not a sensible person). I head butted her.
"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeoowch!!" we wailed. Great. Juuust great. Now my headache was, like, a gazillion billion trillion times worse. Wow that's a big number. I groaned and sat on the ground, feeling like I would puke.
I guess my poor little girl image pays off sometimes. I heard someone sigh, then felt a hand on my forehead. The pain started to go away. I looked up at the hand, and immediately recognized it as Legolas' by the long fingers.
"Yay for elvish healing powers!" I cheered after he had finished. "High five, mah man!" I held up my hand. He smiled slightly and slapped it. "You have learned well, young Jedi," I told him in a Yoda voice. "Reward you we must."
He pondered this for a second. "No thank you, Laura. I'm not sure I would want a reward from you. Valar knows what substance I would get poured on me."
I gaped. "How did you KNOW?"
"I didn't. But I do now." He smirked.
"Poo-head." I walked ahead of him and ran right into Gandalf, who was talking to someone I couldn't see. There was a tree in my way.
"And these are my companions," Gandalf said. Then he pointed to Gimli, Aragorn, and Legolas in turn. Then an odd thing happened. A voice spoke to Legolas, and he spoke back. Aw, man. The voices don't just talk to me anymore, I thought miserably.
Then it hit me, just as Legolas got done talking to no one. Or so I had thought.
"TREEBEARD!" I screeched without thinking. I swear I'm not blonde! Well, I am, but I'm not as stupid as I sound. Wait. Never mind.
"Hoo hum, now. Who are these young things?" Treebeard asked, gesturing to Lauren and I.
"They are our companions. The silly, obnoxious blonde one is Laura-" I grinned, despite Legolas' comments, and waved- "and the brunette is Lauren."
"Hm hum," Treebeard mumbled, but there was a smile on his... erm, tree-y lips. "Saplings. They are so hasty. Most unnatural." Then he bent down to get a closer look at us. Lauren freaked out and hid behind Aragorn. I stood my ground. No way was I going to pass up the chance to talk to Treebeard. He is way too cool to ignore. "Hm. Now where do you come from, Laura?" he asked in his booming voice.
"Well," I said mysteriously, "I come from a land called..." I paused dramatically, "*Indiana*." Lauren stifled a giggle.
"Hoo hum, now. I have never heard of this... Indinea. Is it far from here?"
"Erm... you could say that."
He blinked and then did his tree-ish smile thingy again. "Saplings are so interesting. Hmm hoo." I grinned at him, then walked back to where Lauren was enjoying herself with Aragorn.
"You are so odd," she told me.
"So I've heard. But come now, young sapling," I said, imitating Treebeard, "let us go back to our camp. Hoo hum. I feel the need for food in my stomach." I started lumbering slowly away. Lauren grinned and followed.
********* A while later, Lauren went down to what was left of the lake to clean my clothes like she had promised. I, unfortunately, had to take care of Arthur while she was gone.
Man, I hated that cat. It was bad enough that it spied on me when I was changing. Now it had something against me. Every time I took my eyes off of him, the little freak would climb up a tree or something and I'd have to get Legolas to get him down.
After this happened about five times, I gave up. "That's it!" I exclaimed. "I'm going to bed!" By that time it was almost dark, and I was exhausted. But alas, before I could hop into my wonderfully warm blanket, Aragorn and Legolas each put a hand on my shoulder.
"You are not going to leave that little devil for us to take care of," Aragorn said.
"Pwease, Acorn?" I said in a baby voice.
"No. I've already gotten more scratches from him than I got in battle." He held up his hands and, sure enough, they were covered in little scratches.
"And I haven't fared much better," Legolas added. He rolled up his sleeve and showed me four long gashes down his forearm. I couldn't help but smirk. Mmm, muscular... mwahahahahaa.
"But you would not want a poor, innocent maiden to be injured by such a fell beast, would you?" I crooned, imitating Arwen.
Aragorn and Legolas looked at each other, then burst out laughing. "Innocent?" Legolas practically shrieked. This just made them laugh harder.
"Ugh, go bite Saruman's ass," I muttered, picking up Arthur by the scruff of his neck. The little fruitcake growled and spat, trying to scratch my arm. But he didn't! No, he couldn't reach my arm!
"Laura, 1! Stupid cat, zippo!" I yelled as I saw Lauren, who was walking back towards us.
She screamed when she saw how I was holding the little beast. "You'll hurt him!" she wailed, grabbing Arthur and cuddling him. Immediately the cat became calm, and started purring like a motor. She grinned as she saw Aragorn, Legolas and I gaping at her. "I don't think he likes you," she said sweetly, walking past. So I pushed her in a puddle.
THE END.
*Later in the night *
I woke up to someone crying out in fright. I sat up and saw Pippin sitting at the edge of our camp, holding the palantir. "Pippin! What are you doing!" I hissed. But it was too late. Already everyone had woken up and Gandalf was stooped over him, yelling at him for stealing the palantir.
I felt so sorry for him. But then something else caught my attention.
"Receive it, lord!" I heard Gandalf say. I turned and frowned. Gandalf was giving Aragorn the palantir!
"But... but... it would have made a wonderful addition to my marble collection!" I wailed. Lauren slapped me. "Ow..."
Then Aragorn said something, then Theoden said something, then Aragorn said something else, etcetera etcetera. They talked for a looooooooooooooong time.
Once everyone I thought they wouldn't notice, I snuck over to where Pippin was lying.
"Hey," I whispered. He looked at me, then looked down at the ground.
"Aw, Pip-pip, it's ok. I know how you feel. Sometimes, my parents buy some candy, and they're like, 'Laura, do not eat the candy.' Of course, that's almost the same as saying, 'Laura, take the candy and eat it all. But once you do, you'll lose your behind.' It's nothing to worry about. It's simply human- er, hobbit nature."
He smiled slightly, then his face fell. "He said so many evil things. He asked why I hadn't obeyed him. It was horrible." Tears welled up in his eyes, and I thought I might cry.
"Pippin, it's ok. Nothing bad happened. Trust me. Even though Gandalf seems like an old poop, and IS an old poop, he's a very smart and very wise old poop. He said that Sauron hasn't found out anything, and if he said that, he's right." He opened his mouth to speak. "And don't worry about him calling you a fool, either," I interrupted. "You might be a fool, but I'm an even bigger fool. So, we can run off to Foolville together and happily live as idiots for the rest of our days."
He looked up at me and grinned sweetly. "Thanks, Miss Laura. That made me feel better." My god, he was so cute! I mean baby cute. (A/N: No, I DO NOT love Pippin. But he's my second favorite character, after Legolas. Mmm, yummy elf. ;-D)
I smiled and scruffed up his hair. "Any time, bubba. Don't worry 'bout it." I started to crawl back to where I was sleeping.
"And I don't think you're a fool," he added quietly.
I turned around to look at him and grinned. "Thanks. G'night." Then I curled up in my blanket.
*Next morning*
I was in one of those trances. You know, like, in the morning, when you're awake, but you're not. I was kind of dozing.
Suddenly I felt something wet on my lips. As you might imagine, this woke me up slightly. Oh, no, not completely. Only a bit.
"UUUUGGGGGGGGGH!!!! EWWW!!! GET IT OFF!!!" I screamed, frantically wiping my mouth. Okay, so I was a bit more awake than usual.
I scowled and looked up, then gasped. Legolas was leaning over me!
"WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THINGS CHEESY DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING!?" I screeched. I mean, duh! He had just licked me or something!
"Laura, calm yourself! It wasn't me!"
"Oh, I'm sorry, Legolas. I forgot that the asparagus and carrot fairies sometimes come to me in my sleep and pour water on my mouth. LIKE HELL IT WASN'T YOU!!"
"Laura, look." He rolled his eyes and held up Arthur.
"The cat? What the hell does the friggin' cat have anything to do with this!?"
He sighed. "How thick are you! I woke up when you started screaming. Arthur, or whatever it's name is, was licking your face."
"Wha-? Oooooooooooooooh," I said, a look of revelation on my face. Then I realized how incredibly retarded I had been. I could feel the color rising to my cheeks. I groaned and buried myself under my blanket.
"Are you alright?" he asked.
"Meh..."
"Don't you think you need to say something to me?"
"Sarwy," I mumbled into my bag (which was still doubling as my pillow}.
"Apology accepted." I heard him stand up.
Why does all the weird stuff happen to me!?
********
Okay, fellow doonas, I'm sorry that this chapter sucked. I was in Florida and my mind was wandering and I don't really understand the story from here 'til about... oh let's see... page 200 something of ROTK, where Legolas and Gimli go off to some place that I can't remember. See? I'm such a fool of a Took. Oh well.
Once again, sorry! I guarantee this will be even more confusing after this! :'( I feel bad that I can't write better. Oh well. I'm gonna have someone explain the basics of the last part of TTT (at least the part with Aragorn, Gandalf, Legolas, etc.) and ROTK to me. Or maybe I'll buy Cliffs Notes. Either one would work. Perhaps I'll just wait until ROTK comes out in theatres til I write next. But, since I don't want to wait, and I'm hoping that YOU don't want to, either, then, if you'll be so kind as to e- mail me some sort of overview of the end of TTT and ROTK, I would be SO THANKFUL. Maybe I'll even put you into my story as... erm... someone. Yes, well.
Also, if I didn't follow the book quite right, I'm really, really sorry about that. Like I said, I don't really understand the books from about this point on. *sigh* Yeah, I know what you're thinking. Wow, Laura sucks at writing. Plus she's too stupid to understand a simple book like ROTK. Yeah, well, you're right. I'm purdy stoopid. I'm the definition of a "dumb blonde".
Anyhap, if you'd be so kind as to do so, e-mail me at lutra1@ameritech.net with the basics of ROTK.
Oh well, a plus side: my dad got the DVD drive on this damned piece of metal and... other stuff. Ugh, its so not fair. My dad sucks with computers, yet the first time he puts the %&$# disk in the drive, it worked! So I was sitting in a plane and/or a car for 6 hours straight with nothing to do but ogle at the cover of the DVD. Oh well, only about a month till TTT comes out on video!!!! YESSSS!!! And I'll be getting it the day that it comes out, cause I pre-ordered it from Amazon. Woot woot!! *does a happy booty dance* Erg, I must stop doing that.
Another plus side, you may ask? Oh yes. There's a place called the Cabana Club. All the people that are staying in our resort can go there to swim, drink beer (well, the people over 21), and other fun stuff. Did I mention that the guy that was running the counter was extremely hot and was only about 3 years older than me? Yeah. So I stayed and "chatted" *cough cough flirted* with him for a while. Tres fun! ;-D Plus, eres muchos muchachos mexicanos y guapos! *giggles insanely* That means, there were lots of cute Mexican guys! And American, too. But I like foreigners. They are so... erm... interesting. Yes, they are very irresistible- I mean interesting.
Well, my pretties, I shall shut my flapping mouth and go off to eat some shrimp right off o' the barbie.
Toodles!
-Laura, the elf stalker that can't write even if her life depended on it.