Repeated Disclaimer: I do not own these characters in any way, shape, or form other than the fantasies they inspire. That honor belongs to Stan Lee, Marvel Comics, 20th Century Fox, WBKids, Cartoon Network, and lot's of others who are not me. Pretty please with a cherry on top, don't sue me as I pay worship to their work not try to take it as my own. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was still only morning and this day had exhausted me.

I hadn't been ready for either big event that occurred and to have them both hit back to back just took all the energy out of me.

Dr. Grey was alive.

Part of me rejoiced, like everyone else in the school was right now.

Most of me was still sure I could have prevented her death – injuries rather, I guess now - and all pain it had brought and I continued to curse my cowardice.

*I was the Iceman!*

All things liquid were mine to freeze and there we had been at a lake filled with water about to burst free of its dam and I had done nothing.

I could have frozen the whole thing before it broke the dam completely or at least froze enough to hold back the deluge long enough for us to leave.

I could have built ice walls around the jet, like the one I made to get Logan out of the school the night the soldiers invaded it, to divert the flow.

I could have done anything but stay seated on the Blackbird like a scared little boy wanting to get the hell out of there while Dr. Grey sacrificed…risked, I guess I should say now, her life for us all.

I hadn't though and that'll forever haunt me.

As will Logan saying in such shock, "She's gone" and Mr. Summers breaking down after having seen the woman they both loved swallowed by a tidal wave of icy water.

No matter what comes next in our lives, none of us who were on that jet will ever forget those two things. Even if a miracle has occurred to return Dr. Grey to us, in that moment she was dead and the reactions of those two men are seared into all of our minds.

I need to go see her, I know that, but I can't right now.

I have to convince myself such a thing could happen, even in our world where the unbelievable was made believable every day, and accept that I could not have saved the day before I face her.

Knowing that, I push those thoughts aside and glance again at the door to my room.

*John.*

I had been expecting that moment would come. He was very possessive and would have wanted his things as soon as possible, but still his choosing to collect them today was a shock.

I still can't define what I feel about his defecting.

It was still so fresh.

In the moments before she left the Blackbird to save us all, when Dr. Grey had told us he was with Magneto, it was like I'd been kicked in the gut while knocked down and nearly out from the other blows of those past days.

For the most part, I haven't given it much thought. My guilt and sense of anger at my brother's betrayal had dominated my mind.

Except for when I was here.

In their room.

All five years I'd been at the school I had shared this room with John … Pyro, I guess now I should start thinking of him as that.

If what Ronnie did was betrayal, I don't think there is a word to describe what John did.

We were best friends.

Or at least we had been.

We had planned for the longest time now to join the X-Men and fight side-by-side forever.

It was the perfect plan. Each one of our powers complimented and balanced the other one's and we knew each other so well we often fought as one in the Danger Room.

Now, if I join the team, I will have to use my powers against him and he against me.

He had abandoned all those plans by choosing a life where we would be enemies and could one day kill each other.

I should have tried to talk him out of it.

I had my chance while he was packing.

He just seemed so … angry.

When he told me almost defiantly that his name was Pyro, I had realized that he had been angry for a while now. Remembering how he went off, blowing up things, when the cops arrived at my home in Boston Sunday morning and knowing that he abandoned us to flee the dam with Magneto, I accepted that I no longer knew him.

Somehow, while I was so absorbed in my own life, John had faded away and just moments ago I had faced Pyro for what I fear will only be the first time.

Regret at the realization still ate at my guts.

As he left, I had wanted to ask John to stay, but I knew I had to let Pyro go.

I guess I really am growing up, if I'm able to see and accept all that without the Professor's guidance.

Turning to stare out my window again at nothing, I concede John's decision is not the only thing I see and accept around here lately.

Rogue and I are over, if we had ever really begun.

Neither of us has said it, and she doesn't seem to realize it herself, but there's nothing of a romantic nature between us anymore.

I known it the moment we returned here after the Lake and facing the President in Washington.

Logan was the first to leave the jet when we landed and he moved rapidly from it. Rogue had struggled with her straps, but rushed to get out of them and run after the emotionally wounded Wolverine.

That I, her boyfriend, was equally wounded in different ways didn't occur to her for a full day.

Even then, I only got a few rushed moments when she wasn't busy dealing with Logan or her own grief.

I loved her.

I really did, with all the passion of a boy's first real love, but letting her go was the easiest part of this past week.

I feel none of the anger or bitterness I would have before everything that's happened, though I can't help being hurt by the fact that I never stood a chance.

My love wasn't the love she wanted and it wasn't enough to change her mind.

That would smash anyone's ego to bits.

Logan, I didn't hate or resent at all.

I don't even blame him.

He had surprised me by showing himself to be an ok guy, unless he was in Wolverine mode.

In those brief moments before the soldiers invaded Saturday night, I learned that he had never encouraged Rogue's feelings.

I don't think he's even aware of them.

Looking back over what Rogue and I had had, I saw there was really nothing there that could have dared compete with the return of the man who'd saved her life. Twice.

We'd been together for three years, sharing thousands of laughs, hand holds, hugs and almost kisses, then finally two actual kisses.

I think that second kiss is what helped me to deal with it all. It had begun so great and WOW did it stay great for a few briefs seconds, but once her mutation kicked in I was scared.

It was like when I'd seen Logan become Wolverine. I had felt, but quickly discarding, the fear for my life in the presence of the animal. Then I remembered he had Logan inside and knew not to hurt me or anyone else not a threat. Fear lingered, though, in the knowledge that we mutants can be very dangerous with and without meaning to.

That was the thing that scared me with Rogue. She didn't mean to hurt me and I really had meant it when I said it was ok afterwards, but the fact remained. Her mutation was very dangerous and I wouldn't be the one helping her overcome it to finally be intimate with a man.

"A man."

Everyone still thinks of me as a boy, but I felt two big steps closer to manhood today.

It's still early yet and I seem to be on a roll, so I think that maybe I can get even closer before the day ends.

Other than facing Dr. Grey, family is the only big issue I'm left to deal with, in my opinion.

It's been hard for me to get past Ronnie's actions to think back on my parents' reaction to the news of my mutant status.

I decide to focus on doing so now.

I had to admit they took it well, mom and dad.

Dad had been quiet, but I could tell it was an accepting kind of quiet. He had just needed to digest the information and adjust his perception a bit.

Mom was typical mom, wanting to talk it out and make sure there was no other way before she began accepting the information and adjusting to it.

I hate that they had it "adjust" to it.

She said they still loved me and I know it to be true, but why does my mutation have to change their love in any way?

Ronnie's reaction though had made it clear that I can never go home again.

Today, there was no pain at that realization as my maturity finally kicks in and shows me that this, the school, was home.

I had been raised by my family in Boston, but I'd grown up and lived here in Westchester.

Without disowning that family, I admit that I never want to return to that house, except maybe for a visit somewhere down the road when we're all ready to take that step.

Why on Earth have I spent this whole week moping in teenage angst, I wonder as I resolve yet another issue that had been wearing on me.

All changes in life require a catalyst and I guess the news today was enough of one to bring about my maturity.

I'm with what I've managed today and vow to take the last step of visiting and facing Dr. Grey tomorrow.

As a senior nearly finished with the education they can give here, I have no classes today so nothing demands my attention. My tired body has me stretching out on my bed to get some rest, but for a while longer my mind stays active.

For better or worse, the things in life that determine our character and merit as a man or woman are usually the things we let go of, I think.

*The Professor would be proud of me for realizing that, as well as being a bit surprised that he had not created that pearl of wisdom.*

I smile at that, but it quickly turns to a frown as a darker thought follows me into sleep.

*With all I'd let go of, what in life do I have left?*