Authors Notes – wellllll I should say that this is getting way raunchy, but its all in good fun so roll with it, or don't, whichever you prefer......again, not meant to offend, some obvious rip offs, and much other craziness.

Lance blinked and prayed for death with such deep devotion that he had a hot flash and saw the gates to heaven for a split second.

"Lance!" Scott rushed forward as the dark-haired boy swooned and fell like a block of wood. "Lance! Please wake up!"

Lance never wanted to wake up ever again, but he opened his eyes anyway. "Oh, fuck me, Summers."

Scott looked tempted, but he was never a guy that liked an audience. "Later, I promise," he said with rapt desire in his eyes.

Lance realized what he had (accidentally) said. At least, he tried to convince himself it was accidental... "Fuck YOU Summers! Get off me!"

Scott reluctantly released Lance and stood up. Lance immediately shuddered and shielded his eyes.

"You look like a..." He shivered again. "Something very sick. Please never do that to me again."

"Do what?" Scott asked, quite hurt and bewildered. He was wearing red and white striped knee high camping socks and hunting boots, and a maple leaf was taped to his 'little helper.' He had thought that his outfit was so creative...clearly, Lance preferred the more traditional look? "I'm sorry." He said, admonished.

Lance stared. "Apology not accepted. Now go wear something."

Scott shuffled away sadly.

Lance watched him go. The truth was, he found Scott's outfit weirdly hot in a kinky huntsman/logger type of way...all he needed was a nice shoot of barley between his teeth and he would be such a hunk. Then, horrified at his thoughts, Lance turned back to Todd and tried to get all images of Scott out of his head. "Er...so..."

"Ooh, did you know, you have your first meeting for Free Weed in ten minutes! Silly me!" Todd snapped his fingers and a mob of people came crashing through the ceiling on mopeds.

"Duck!" Lance screamed.

"No ducks," Todd said, looking around. He pointed to the weedy looking man that approached them. He was wearing a crown of marijuana leaves on his head and bell bottoms. "Hey, this is coo, where's the newest freedom fighter?" he asked, taking a long drag on his enormous joint. It was at least a foot long.

Todd shoved Lance forward. "Here he is!"

The man looked turned on. "I'm the king. You can address me as Master, but I'll let it slip if you call me something else once in a while." He winked, and Lance felt violated.

"Chizzo my nizzo, I thought this was anarchy!" A surly looking boy with a unibrow said, stomping his foot. "This is sick you bitch, I won't stand for it if we're gonna be having masters and kings and all that! It hinders my creativity, and I won't stand for it, I tell you!" Then he leaped onto his moped and rode off, sobbing.

Lance was thinking of running away as well when a tall slim sexy woman appeared behind Master and eyed Lance in a provocative manner. "The name's Summer," she said in a throaty voice. "Summer Scotts."

Lance was confused but it didn't prevent him from being turned on anyway. "Okay," he said stupidly.

"Now, on to the meeting!" Master shouted, looking obscenely jealous. He adjusted his crown of pot and closed his eyes. "Prayer time." Everyone in the group held hands, but there was a minor scuffle as people fought to hold Lance's hand. "Ahem," Master said, gripping Lance's hand like there was no tomorrow, "Heh-hum. Blessed be the first leaf, the second leaf, the third leaf, the stem, and the chlorophyll." He paused dramatically, his nostrils quivering with passion.

"This is totally offending me!" Pietro shouted in the background.

"Oh, fuck you," Master replied.

"That's against my religion!"

Just then, the door burst open and a bunch of pimped out fat men came in, looking ominous. "Where's the Toad?" One of them demanded.

"Um..." Lance looked around. Todd had been right behind him... "He was right behind me," he said honestly.

"If you weren't so fine, I'd think you were lying," the man replied.

Lance felt violated again and contemplated what to do next. The man with the cane looked very capable of deflowering a young boy like himself. Suddenly, someone yanked him backwards and through a conveniently located trapdoor in the floor.

Lance started to scream, then realized it was just Todd. "What're you doing? Where were you?"

"Shh!" Todd hissed. He was dressed like a ninja. "I have to admit something to you, Lance. I'm not who you think I am."

"Oh?"

"Yes..." Todd shook his head emotionally. "I'm really a member of the Dead Poets Society."

"What's that?"

Todd stared at him. "Poor, naive Lance. You'll understand when you get older."

Lance frowned. "Then who are those men?"

"Just die-hard fans of mine. I built this secret trapdoor because I knew something like this would happen someday."

"I see..." Lance nodded. "So what now?"

"We can never go back," Todd said sadly. "We'll have to start over...new lives, Lance. I'm sorry, I didn't know my involvement in the Dead Poets Society would affect you so deeply...I'm so sorry."

"Er...that's okay," Lance said, patting Todd on the shoulder awkwardly as a tear rolled down his cheek.

"Good thing, because otherwise I would have to kill you," Todd said, looking relieved. "I really hoped it wouldn't come to that." He pulled a machine gun out of his back pocket and tossed it over his shoulder. "I guess I don't need this anymore." He smiled at Lance. "I really didn't want to lose you, friend."

"Oh...me neither," Lance said.

"Glad to hear it." Todd smiled broadly. "Now, we must journey for three days and three nights, henceforth, my love, Kitty will meet us in the bar of the Prancing Pornboy with further instructions. I entrust you with this." Todd shoved something small and metallic into Lance's fist. Lance opened his hand to see a small, glowing key.

"What is it?" He whispered, awed.

"A little something I owe Hugh Hefner," Todd said, cackling. "Now hide it...and remember, Frodo, the key wants to get back to its owner..."

"But my name's Lance," Lance said, puzzled.

"Oh, right, well, no need to get all defensive." Todd said huffily. "Now hide the key, for god's sake. And remember...to use the key for personal benefit...it would only lead to the end of the world, a clash of dark and good forces, a foul wind in the yonder..."

"Ooh, there's a picture here!" Lance cried, excited.

"That happens when its master is feeling especially angry or horny," Todd explained sagely.

"...What is it? It's gone now..." Lance sighed, disappointed. "I could have sworn it was a rabbit."

Todd shook his head. "Alas, if our problems started and ended with such a bantam creature..."

Lance, who wasn't listening, studied the key. "So what do you use this key for, anyway?"

Todd looked pissed off. "Forget it, just keep your pants on."

Lance shrugged and followed his friend down the tunnel. There was a creature following them, however...a creature that wore red glasses and little else...

to be continued...