Authors Notes – well, this continues to make little to no sense, annndddd mm Voltaire gets credit for Pangloss and Hugh Hefner gets his own credit just for being himself. Do not read if drug use, shrooms especially, offend you when used in an unintelligent matter that undermines their real-life destructiveness. Enjoy.
"Are we almost there?" Lance implored in a weary tone.
"Yep, we're getting there," Todd said cheerfully. "Good thing, I was getting kind of tired of all this messing around...honestly, Lance, I didn't know you were that inexperienced. I mean, you took one look at it and started screaming...you think it was easy for me? I would rather have had anyone else do it to me...and you were hard to mount, trust me."
Lance almost burst into tears at that one. It was a good thing he couldn't even feel the pain anymore. Todd was evil. That was all he could say. That and so much unsolicited bumping and grinding was hard on his body parts.
"Almost there?" He asked again in a harried tone.
"Almost," Todd said consolingly. "Just a little further—there, I see it!"
"Good." Lance dropped the babooshka in which he had been carrying Todd on his back for the past four hours. He couldn't even stand up straight anymore.
"Hey...that hurt," Todd said bitterly from the ground. "Am I that fat? Haven't you ever carried anything before?"
"Not for four hours I haven't," Lance replied aggressively, "and can't you ever stay still? Do you have to bounce all the time? I think I'm..." He attempted to stretch his back. "...permanently deformed."
"Well, that works out for the better, because that'll make you less appealing to the Bunny Wraiths."
"The what?"
"Oh, you'll see," Todd said dismissively, "but just watch your back."
They reached the town of the Prancing Pornboy, which was undoubtedly a creepy place filled with dark alleys and large, aggressive looking men and women, both possessing beards and body odor.
"Here it is..." Todd said quietly, pulling Lance into a slimy looking building with flashing displays of prancing porn boys all over it.
"Who're we meeting here?" Lance asked nervously as a large, abusive looking woman with an exceptionally bushy beard eyed him suggestively.
"Kitty." Todd was straining his neck, scanning the crowd. "She was supposed to meet us here..."
"Oh Todd! Lance!"
Both Todd and Lance looked up in surprise to see a small boy with no hair and an orange toga flouncing toward them.
"Um...hi," Lance said suspiciously. The little boy was gazing at the both of them with rapture in his eyes.
"Pietro? Is that you?" Todd demanded incredulously, looking severely turned on. "What happened to you?"
"What do you mean?" The boy asked innocently, blinking.
"I mean, you—you're seven!"
The boy nodded solemnly. "I am simply what Fate allows me to be, nothing more, nothing less."
Lance and Todd exchanged looks.
"Whatever," Todd replied finally. "Just stay away from me. I can't afford to be turned on."
"Ah, do not try to control your life!" Pietro laughed heartily, and moved closer. "You see? All is good, we are living in the best of all worlds, and every single thing that occurs and will occur was meant to serve the greater good; each individual's error will contribute to the welfare of all."
"What?" Todd demanded, irritated. "Go away. Where the hell is Kitty?"
"Kitty?" Pietro asked, his eyes gleaming complacently as he moved closer still, "Fate has not allowed her to be here."
"What?"
"The force of universal benefit directed her soul into peril so that it could foster its own growth."
Todd opened his mouth to retort, but just then, the abusive looking fat woman snatched Lance away and started to run.
"Help!" He screamed.
"Get back here!" Todd shouted nobly, hurdling a table of men and racing after the kidnapper and her victim. He made it as far as the door when Pietro grabbed him by the arm and proved to him that the Prancing Pornboy existed merely so that Lance could be kidnapped there and that they lived in the best of all worlds, all was well.
"Oh fuck you," Todd said angrily, but stopped anyway. Besides, if that was true, then it gave him the perfect excuse for cheating on Kitty...after all, it was meant to serve the greater good, wasn't it? He cackled evilly, because he was justified now. Suddenly he didn't really care about Lance. After all, his being taken away, possibly raped and beaten and murdered, well, it wasn't like there was anything he could do about it, and besides, who was he to interfere with the good of the greater population?
"I knew you'd see it my way," Pietro said when they hooked up for the first time, which happened to be right in the Prancing Pornboy after Lance and his kidnapper disappeared into the horizon.
"Yeah, well, I'm just trying to help," Todd replied bravely. "You know, can't bring everyone else down just 'cause of insignificant little Lance..."
Pietro nodded, laughed wisely, and mutated into Jean Grey.
"Huh? Pietro?" Todd was confused.
"No, it's really Jean," she replied, shrugging. "I was just pretending to be Pietro."
"Why would you do a thing like that?"
"Because Scott left me for that avalanching bitch," she replied sadly. "I just wanted revenge and stuff. His being betrayed by his best friend and carried off in to the mountains by a man-chick is good enough, right?"
Todd gaped incredulously, feeling rather betrayed as well. "But—but—all is well," he sputtered. "What about the greater good?"
"Oh, that's my Pangloss personality," Jean said brightly. "I have multiple personalities: sweet, noble Jean Grey, philosophical, prophetic Pangloss, ravishing wildcat, sadistic beauty pageant bitch, and fried chicken."
Todd was speechless. What had he done? Just then, a shrill cry was heard, and Hugh Hefner entered the pub. Haggles of men and women immediately flocked around him, crying and begging for mercy. He ignored them; instead, approached Todd.
"Hello...Todd," he said sexily, though he was really old and had claws for fingers.
"Don't try it, I'm immune," Todd replied lazily.
Hugh sighed and trudged away, muttering something about tricky bitches and toads.
Jean watched him go with longing in her eyes. "Oh Todd, why'd you have to scare him away?" she said sadly. "Do you know how long I've wanted to get in that mansion of his?"
Todd neither knew nor cared and told her so. "No." Then he thought for a second, remembering that Jean was quite responsible for Lance's possible death. A tear rolled down his cheek like a crystal ocean sparkling under the rays of a glowing golden sun soaked in diamonds and splattered across the sky...
Jean looked at him funny as Todd started to sniffle bravely, but surprisingly, the two later made up through a brief fucking in a tree and resolved to find Lance together. That is, until Jean met a cute guy an hour later and left Todd. Several days later, decrepit and barefoot (the birds had eaten his shoes) he walked into a club called Shroomtown, rather downspirited and temporarily blinded by the neon signs of people eating shrooms and tea, ready to spend the rest of his money and life eating shrooms and hating the world as an embittered junkie. But who else did he see but a familiar brown haired boy with earth moving tendencies, holding a shroom in one hand and a cup of tea in the other...
to be continued...