7-11 Gundam Wing

By The Fates, Clotho (LRT), Lachesis (LSS), and Atropos (LA)

Disclaimers: Standard, boring ones, like we don't owe Gundam Wing or the super-amazing-hyper-to-the-max-kick-ass fic, Test Tubes, Dragon Spawns, and Demi-Gods, we aren't lesbians (but Clotho is starting to doubt her sexuality), and so forth. TTDSDG is a must-read for every GW fan, and the made-up characters are owned by Fablespinner, Ashura Nagisa, Lady Orla, and Lady Scarlet Une. We don't own that, we don't own the second most horrible song in the world (Asereje by Las Ketchup, the first is The Cheeky Song by the Cheeky Girls), we don't own Jafar, oh yeah! We don't own 7-11! Forgot to put THAT in.

Warnings: ACK! Self-insertions. Also, we didn't EXACTLY use the names of the real authors (of TTDSDG), since they might sue or send threatening e- mails. But if they DO happen to stumble upon this disgrace to mankind, then we apologize from the bottom of our cold, black hearts.

LRT: See, Lachesis? I told you this sort of thing would happen if Atropos wrote the fucking opening.

LA: It isn't THAT long, Clotho.

LSS: Fine, I owe you a hundred pesos. Come, Clotho, get your pitchfork! Let us find my sister and cover her in shite and colostomy bags!

LA: Sorry for the delay. You can be assured this was written while a bag of premium baby powder was being passed among us and being snorted heartily. So this particular chapter is guaranteed to make no sense at all, and please excuse me since my sister and her androgynous friend are throwing shit and colostomy bags at me. We apologize for that long piece of shit you had to endure before you could actually read this. Here's the fic.
Chapter 2: TOW Lotsashit Happens

(A/N: If you don't watch Friends, TOW means the one where.)

"Could you imagine what this would have looked like if it were written in a fanfic?" Heero finally asked, crushing a can of Pepsi with his hand and tossing it in the trashcan behind him.

"Should we stop him?" Trowa inquired, looking on as Wufei blindly repeatedly rammed his head into a shelf of disposable diapers. Wufei had long given up on opening the freezer. For the meantime, at least.

"Nah," Heero smiled slyly. From his pocket, he removed a digital camera.

"New toy?" Quatre asked.

Heero nodded. "Candid shots. To be distributed to everyone we know."

"Good idea," Duo agreed. He slammed something black onto the plastic countertop. It was a video camera.

"Shall we, Mr. Heero Yuy?" Duo grinned manically.

"It would be a pleasure, Shinigami," Heero grinned, just as manically.

You can just sense, once Heero and Duo team up, that hell is freezing over and Saddam Hussein is surrendering as you're reading this.

"Quatre." Trowa murmured.

"Yes?" Quatre asked, flabbergasted that for the first time in their entire friendship, Trowa was the first one to talk, and not him. He wasn't even sure what words were appropriate to release at the moment.

"What just happened?"

Quatre wished that Trowa would use more than three words when he talked. When he liked to talk, anyway.

"Uh.Heero and Duo actually agreed on something?"

"Exactly. Now let's get the hell outta here. I've got a bad feeling about that."

Quatre and Trowa just sought refuge in an air vent, the highest and the safest place in the store, so they had a bird's eye view of the chaos unfolding. And Quatre was quite pleased with himself for mentally twinkering with the part of Trowa's brain that dealt with speech.

Heero and Duo had followed a flight of stairs and found a secret upstairs room. There was a large hole in the floor, overlooking the ground floor, where Wufei was still throwing cans of pork and beans at the girls' secret hiding place.

"Oh man, Heero, we could make MILLIONS if we sell this to some big movie production company," Duo said wistfully. "Just think about it: I can see the posters now: 'Mayhem in Mini-Mart!' What do you think?"

"You talk too much, Maxwell. Shut up."

"Hell, that's nice."

So much for teaming up.

There was a long, awkward pause as Heero began feeling around the floor for something. Duo counted the graffiti on the walls and tried to decide which was the coolest.

"Bakagami, c'mere," Heero finally said, beckoning Duo over. Duo frowned, but nonetheless approached Heero.

"What?'

"I've found some sort of contraption like an elevator. Pulleys are hooked up to the beams, which look strong enough. We use this."

Duo watched as Wufei calmly (or so it seemed) wolfed down a dozen (more) jumbo hotdogs from the hotdog cooker, similar to the one used to cook dimsum.

"Heero. He looks calm already," he said, poking the Perfect Soldier.

Heero stared at Wufei. "He's not. He's hyperactive."

"Why? He normally doesn't hyperventilate unless he eats too much candy or drinks too much liquor, or both at the same time," Duo pointed out.

"What did he eat this morning?" Heero quickly asked.

"Er.ah.lemme see." Duo said, scratching his head in deep thought. "He ate seven jumbo hotdogs from this 7-11. And a couple of Coke Slurps. I guess about five of those."

Suddenly, a pink portable battery-operated radio came flying towards Duo and Heero.

Heero automatically caught it with one deft hand motion.

He stared at it, frustrated. "What's this?"

"Obviously, it's a radio," Duo snorted sarcastically.

"It's pink."

"Duh."

"It's obvious that the author of this fic is a girl or a fag."

Atropos appeared out of the shadows. "You are so sexist, Heero Yuy!"

"Ack!" Heero yelped. "It's the author! Or one of them, anyway." He silently mumbled, "It's a girl. Or one of them is."

Heero was technically correct. One author was a girl, and the rest were androgynous mutants who appreciated the concept of incest, especially among brothers and sisters.

Heero seeks refuge behind Duo. "HIDE MEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Duo shook his head. "That's why it's so hard to be an anime character. You have to be careful with what you say." He turned to the TV screen. "Kids, it's a no-no to make wisecracks about your author. Remember that."

"Er, Duo, that's not in my story," Atropos murmured, becoming confused why exactly she was in the story when she was supposed to be writing in. Then she remembered Clotho and Lachesis and the shit. Which explained why she was covered in it. Heero noted this and wrinkled his nose in disgust. Duo remembered his manners and covered his nose while talking to her.

"Ad lib."

"Fine. Heero, for once and for all, I am NOT a fag."

"Why'd you have to throw us a PINK radio, of all colors?"

"Because then you'd make some wisecrack. And then, I could show up and shout at you. Hey, authors need their screen time too, y'know. I need some exposure if I wanna get into Hollywood."

"You women are WEIRD."

Atropos curtsied. "At least we're better than you men."

Heero drew his gun, cocked it, and aimed it at her. She had come face to face with Heero Yuy's infamous favorite weapon. Gulp.

"Heero Remington Yuy, women in history have done great things!" She proclaimed, getting caught up in the frenzy of women's rights.

"Uh, could you please stop addressing me by my full name?" Heero interrupted.

"Sure. ANYWAY, like I said, many women in history have done great things!"

Duo's eyes bugged out and he stared at Heero. "You have a middle fucking name and you don't even tell me?"

Heero groaned deep and long. Then finally he smirked wickedly at the absurdly long-coifed moron whom he liked to think of as an acquaintance, instead of a friend. "Hm. I don't go around telling people about your REAL name."

"What, MERVIN?" I supplied.

"Louder, I don't think the rest of the WORLD heard that!" Duo screeched, sinking to his knees. "MY life is over." He sounded like a teen beauty queen with a huge throbbing zit on her nose.

Heero looked at Atropos disbelievingly. Then at Duo. Atropos. Duo. Atropos. Duo. His index finger flew to the trigger, middle finger aching to become erect. But he remembered that in any fanfic, the author had overwhelming power over her subjects. Hell, Atropos, Clotho, and Lachesis could make Heero lick up horse crap on the sidewalk on his hands and knees in the buff with Asereje in the background if they wanted to. Which they'd do.eventually.

"Give me a GOOD example," he said menacingly. "Of those.whatchamacallits.women doing stuff."

"Morla, Mythspinner, Azura, and Lady Scarlet O' Hara wrote a super totally out of this world amazing epific (epic fic) about you guys and your children!"

Heero choked. "Ch-children?"

"You've gotta be kidding," Duo said, grasping for words.

"Yeah! You know, Samuru and Noriko! And you'll marry Relena!"

"RELENA?" Heero rasped. A strangled cry was heard from his throat, and he pretty much looked like he was about to faint.

"Who'll I marry?" Duo asked, ignoring Heero's plight. He was writhing on the floor, recoiling from the fortuneteller/author who had told him the one thing he never wanted to hear in his entire career as an anime character and Gundam pilot.

"Hilde," Atropos smiled. "And you'll have four children. Uh, Peter Jonathan, Matthew Michael, Jillian Angela, and Luke Gabriel! And Peter's gonna marry Jarreth, who's Noin's and Zech's kid, and Matty's gonna marry Lian, Wufei's daughter. Jilly's gonna get hitched with Samuru, Heero's son, coz he got her pregnant, and during Matty and Lian's wedding, Hilde'll give birth to your third son and youngest child, Luke."

But this wasn't the end! Yours truly babbled on. "THEN there's a sequel, you know! FALSE EVOLUTION, it's called. Really dark and all! Gives me nightmares and stuff like that. Zechs dies, and you lose your arm, and Francoise Catalonia gets raped by the bad guy!"

"WHAT?" Duo asked, enraged.

Suddenly, four furious fanfic writers emerged from the pandimension, where things usually appear out of nowhere. Yes, this is the space where Heero stores his guns in his too-tight-for-comfort-but-what-an-ass Spandex shorts. Now you know.

"What the hell!" exclaimed Duo. There was just nothing else to say.

"M-Morla, M-M-Mythspinner, Azura! Lady Scarlet O' Hara!" Atropos stuttered, slowly inching away from them as they advanced towards her.

"Hello, Atropos," Morla said, quite icily.

"Grasshopper, what have you done?" Mythspinner asked, shaking her head vigorously.

Lady Scarlet O' Hara and Azura just remained silent, fixing their gaze upon their apprentice.

"Rule of thumb when writing fanfic," Morla said, approaching the stricken girl, "Never, ever, interfere with the course of history."

"Meaning," Azura butted in, "Don't tell anime characters who they're gonna marry, who their children are gonna be."

"Another rule of thumb," LSOH (Lady Scarlet O Hara) piped up, "Don't tell them about Test Tubes, Dragon Spawns and Demi-Gods, you little baka."

I knelt down on the floor and began kissing LSOH's feet, then Azura's, then Mythspinner's, then Morla's.

"EW!" Mythspinner yelled, raising a sandaled foot, now covered in saliva. "Just don't do it in the future, okay? You KNOW we're working on the sequel to TTDSDG, and the less cameo appearances the better."

"Sorry," Atropos whispered humbly.

"Come ON, Azura!" Morla called. "Stop slobbering over DUO!!!"

And the four disappeared into the wall, back to God-knows-where, to work on their next literary smorgasbord.

Heero was huddled in a corner unable to comprehend what he had just heard. Marry RELENA? Of all people? The most annoying girl in his whole miserable life? NAH!

A small silver capsule-like thingy with a button on one end and a glass bump on the other (A/N: Yes, I don't know the proper names of all these 'thingies.' I apologize for being so stupid.) dropped into my outstretched hand. I didn't know why it was outstretched, but I recognized the 'thingy.'

(A/N: Remember that thing they used to erase people's memories? That's what I'm talking about. I'm not sure what it's called, so if someone knows, couldya please e-mail one of us? Thanks.)

"Men In Black?" Atropos asked aloud.

"USE IT ON DUO AND HEERO!" Clotho's voice called from their roost somewhere above mere mortals.

So the apprentice authoress clicked the button, with the flashing red light facing herself.

"Uh oh," Atro-kun said, closing her eyes.

In God-knows where, Clotho peered into her crystal ball and smacked her head hard on the stainless steel table covered with Gundam Wing pictures, which were already hard to make out because of all the lipstick marks and saliva.

"Next time, send DETAILED INSTRUCTIONS!" Lachesis cried.

"Owww..." Clotho moaned. Naturally, your head WOULD hurt if you banged it onto a stainless steel table.

"Who ARE you?" Atropos asked, pointing at Duo.

"HUH?" Duo asked, now VERY confused.

"Where's the magic lamp Aladdin sent, dammit?" Lache-kun demanded.

"Here," Clotho called from the far end of the room. She looked up from writing her chapters long enough to toss her paperweight to her muse.

"Thanks."

"There goes my paperweight," Clotho complained.

"You'll live," Lachesis promised. She rubbed it.

Jafar, the evil sorcerer appeared in a puff of red smoke.

"What?" Clotho exclaimed, looking immensely disappointed. "Not Robin Williams?"

"Sorry, MASTER," Jafar hissed. "Didn't ANY of you brats watch Aladdin? Because of my greed, I turned into the genie, and the blue guy got liberated."

The two extremely hassled writers glared at him.

"For what useless purpose have you summoned me here, mistresses?" Jafar inquired, stressing the last word.

"Much better," Lachesis said. "Three wishes, right?"

"So they say," Jafar replied, running an emery board through his long, crooked, ragged, fingernails.

Clotho gazed at the long yellow-white growth at eh end of his fingers he called 'nails.' "God!" she ejaculated, grasping for the right words without insulting the ugly genie too much. "Your fingernails are atrocious!" was all she could come up with at the moment.

"You have a choice.world peace, get Lachesis a boyfriend, or turn back time 3 minutes and 40 seconds," Clotho said, blowing on her nail polish.

"The time thing," Jafar answered without a moment's hesitation. He looked at Lachesis. "No offense, but you couldn't get a boyfriend even if you held someone at gunpoint."

"HMPH!" Lachesis murmured, spinning on her heels to watch more Gundam Wing for inspiration. She applauded and cheered as Dorothy sliced up Quatre.

Jafar pointed at the clock and zapped it. "There, can I go back into my lovely cramped quarters? I'm watching Ways of Our Lives."

"WAYS OF OUR LIVES?" the two writers shrieked, oblivious to anything except to the fact that their favorite soap opera was on.

So, time in the Gundam Wing world went back three minutes and 40 seconds.

"Men In Black?" Atropos asked aloud.

"USE IT ON DUO AND HEERO!" Clotho's voice called.

"Face the flashing red light towards them, not yourself!" Lachesis added, remembering this time to give correct and clear instructions.

And the deed was done. Atropos The Teenage Bitch zapped herself back into her own realm to rejoin the other witches, and Heero and Duo were like Ray Charles in the Louvre- they didn't have a fucking clue.

And the fic continued, much to the despair of the reader.
Clotho: But, of course, you'll have to wait for the next installation to find out what happens, because we are such evil bitches.

Lachesis (logging onto FF.net): No fuck, you guys, we have reviews!

Atropos: Seriously.

Lachesis: SERIOUSLY! From aka-kitsune-chan, Silver Strife, Gothic FAED, and Spooky!

Clotho: That's the more than the most I've gotten for one fic!

Atropos: Anyway, thanks, you guys!

Clotho: As for the (hopefully there will be) new readers. well. you know what to do. Feed the ego by clicking on the scroll type thing on the lower left corner of your screen, and REVIEW THIS! R&R, C&C, whatever!

Lachesis: Flames are accepted, then laughed at, then we act as if you didn't send us anything.

Atropos: Well? Should we continue? Or is this just one huge, boring piece of shit? Thanks again! And on behalf of my.associates, I apologize for the absurdly long beginning you had to read before getting to the actual chapter.

Clotho: Shit happenz.

Last A/N: Okay, I'd like to clear this certain thing up. THIS IS AN ORIGINAL PIECE. I, Luna Stop Swearing, DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. This is MINE. Okay, not GW, but the concept of the whole 7-11 thing. If you happened to see this floating around FF.Net at least five times in the past two years, that was just me. I've had a whole bunch of usernames since my first time here. Lots of identity crises.

Mandelarae was the first one. I posted 7-11 under her. Then Mandelarae Graeson. That was me, too, and 7-11 made its presence known in her account. But I decided that it was a hassle for other people to read (people liked the story, but complained about the paragraphs all squished into one huge glob) and took it off, hacking it into readable, user-friendly chapters. Then. Luna Twysted came along. I'm her, too, or she's me, I still don't have a clue. I posted 7-11 under her, but it got taken off because I happened to mention the word 'shit' in my summary, and I was thus suspended for a week. Bad me. I was really pissed off, so I created a whole new account, under Luna Antonio, parodying the famous Filipino hero, Antonio Luna. So I posted 7-11 there, too. And I kept it there while I ran another world with my new username, Luna's R. Twysted, until finally, I decided to remind myself to avoid swearing, so I thought of my current username, which is, Luna Stop Swearing. So I took 7-11 off Luna Antonio's account and posted it under Luna Stop Swearing, which is my main priority at the moment.

Sorry for the headache I must have caused you, reading this. I'm REALLY done.