Harry, Hermione, Ron and Steve Irwin walked into a large cave.

"You'll hav' ta be put innna a house- yous'll be sorted, as I thin' ya poms put it. This is tha 'sortin' hat'" Steve Irwin said sarcastically. Harry, Ron and Hermione looked around for a witch's hat but could only see a scrappy cork hat on the floor. Steve Irwin picked it up reverently.

"This is tha sortin' hat," he said in a hushed voice, "yous'll be pu' inna one of tha four houses-" at this he pointed towards the far wall where a piece of bark had been stuck to the wall. On it were the four houses and their descriptions scrawled with charcoal.

STEAK: These students are tough, rare and meaty. Since they are such a small group, they consider themselves the coolest. They like to watch TV.

ROCK: These students are hard and cold, lazy and stoned. This is the more relaxed house and therefore the largest. They like to watch TV. They don't like sport.

HEAVIER ROCK: These students are so stoned it has damaged their brains. They can't do anything apart from watch TV and eat. 

GUMNUT: These are the small and insignificant.

Steve Irwin pointed to where they were reading. "Um…yeh, we don' actually 'ave anyone in tha' hous'. I though' we shoul' stick ya in Gumnu'- yall feel ya belong ther'- I know ya will. Now 'ave a li'le cha' wit tha sortin' hat."

And he placed the cork hat in front of Harry.

"Um……hello," said Harry uncertainly.

"Ok, good. Now we'll jus' put I' back in its box." Steve carefully put it back.

"But-What? I thought it was supposed to sort us into houses?" 

"Wat? Weev alreddy dun dat' four ya! The sortin' hat is jus' a hat- crickey- wat else it sposed to do-eh? It jus' sits there- yeh mate, ya askin' reel strange questions- pr'ps I'll put ya on me program- sum speshal weirdo person, eh?"

"Um…. No thanks….."

Next chapter: More about Voldie's Australian spirit uncovered. Oh…..and scrape.