7-11 Gundam Wing

By Rytforkix, Pikupstix and Neurotix

Disclaimer: Blah don't blah blah, blah blah blah blah, own anything, blah (x 1,000,000)

A/N: Pikupstix: We have just finished watching Asterix and Obelix Take on Caesar. It's so fucking awesome, you've got to watch it! Better yet, go watch it twice! Go into the moviehouse and don't come out until you become nauseous with laughter! I swear it's better than contemplating suicide.

Rytforkix: Em.we don't write to advertise stuff, if you've forgotten.

Pikupstix (outraged): WE DON'T?

Neurotix: Pardon the babbling bastard.

Rytforkix: Doesn't that mean pardon ALL of us?

Neurotix: Er. RELENA BASHING!

~*~

Chapter 5: Fake Eyebrows and Dorothy

~*~

"Relena, I feel your embarrassment," Hilde said, consoling her friend as they animatedly watched Heero grab Wufei's ass, then make lewd gestures at a bottle of cognac.

Relena hugged her knees. "He's not the Heero I know and love!"

Hilde and Noin exchanged disturbing glances.

But Relena continued, wailing, "HE'S NOT THE MAN I MARRIED!!!!!"

And then her eyes glistened, liquid moistening eyes that were resistant to tears.

Dorothy chose that moment to lean over and tell Relena the truth. "Uh, Relena-sama, you're not married to Heero."

"I'm not?" Relena sniffled.

Everyone shook their heads.

"YOU HORRIBLE BITCH!!!!!!!!" she screeched in a terrifyingly high-pitched tone, as she flew at Dorothy's eyebrows.

"GIMME YOUR EYEBROWS, DAMMIT!!!" Relena thundered.

Rip.

"OW! FUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Then everything turned black, because Heero had now discovered and was playing with the light switch.

"DAY!" he squealed, flicking the light switch on. "NIGHT!" Flick off. "DAY!" Flick on. "NIGHT!" Flick off.

"Fuck it!" a woman's voice screamed in a mixture of agony and fury. She stared at the girl who was holding a long strip of double-sided adhesive tape with an accumulation of eyebrow fake eyebrow hair on one side and some ripped skin on the other side.

"My eyebrows!" The older woman sputtered, immediately touching her forehead. The higher set of eyebrows were gone.

"Here, why don't we make it.EVEN?" Hilde suggested, ripping out Dorothy's other set of fake adhesive eyebrows.

"Omae o korosu, BOTH OF YOU!" Dorothy bellowed, lunging at Relena.

Yes, even in a cold, cramped place such as an ice cream freezer, there was enough room to lunge.

"Aiiieeeeee!" Relena grabbed a gallon of pistachio-strawberry ice cream and used it as a shield.

Conk.

Dorothy lashed out obscenities which aren't fit to be printed here as she rubbed the gargantuan bump on her head. And in various languages too. (A/N: I never knew Dorothy was a linguist until now (;)

It was Dorothy vs. Relena vs. Hilde, Round 1 Dorothy slapped Hilde. Relena slapped Hilde. Hilde slapped Dorothy and Relena. Relena bit Dorothy's nose. Hilde bit Relena's ear. You get the picture. (A/N: Try to remember the limited amount of space in an ice cream freezer.

Lady Une looked at Sally, who nodded.

"Girls!" Lady Une called, raising her voice in order to be heard above the catfight.

All cat-fighting, gossiping (mostly between Catherine and Iria), and eating ice cream (Noin's doing. Several pints of assorted flavors of the frozen treat lay around her. She was rubbing her stomach and moaning) came to a halt. Everyone turned to look at Lady Une.

"There's only one way to settle a dispute like this," she said coolly.

"And what's that?" Relena asked.

"Dictatorship?" Iria suggested.

"Ice cream?" Noin sulked.

"Ultimate annihilation?" Catherine asked.

"World domination?" Dorothy asked hopefully.

Lady Une shook her head. "As much as I love all your ideas, we have to be fair. We're in a democratic government, after all."

"Get to the point, Une," Sally whispered.

"Uh, Tribal Council anyone?" Lady Une mumbled meekly.

Dorothy pumped a fist into the air. "Yeah! That's more like it! C'mon, let's vote!"

The scene switches to a Survivor Tribal Council-type place. Lady Une and Sally play host, while the rest of the ladies sit around a huge bonfire.

"You know the drill, you hypocrites," Sally said. "Move your asses and vote! Iria, who'd you pick?"

"Uh, Dorothy," Iria stammered.

"Why?"

"Cause she's a bitch!"

"Kay. Next!"

Catherine shifted uncomfortably in her seat. "I chose.Dorothy too."

"And why did you choose Dorothy?" Lady Une asked.

"Coz, uh, Iria told me to!"

"Very good choice, Cathy!" Sally said approvingly. "Relena?"

"I chose Dorothy because she slapped me and took my dolly!! Waaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!' Relena lamented, as Catherine tried to console her.

"Dorothy?"

"I chose Ms. Relena, coz she's a pacifist!" Dorothy answered enthusiastically.

"And you're not." Sally coughed. "Mental note," she said to herself. "NEVER give Dorothy Catalonia peace medallions for Christmas."

"Noin?" Lady Une pointed to the violet-haired girl.

"Myself," Noin moaned. "I gotta get to a hospital. I feel like I'm giving birth or something."

"You LOOK like you're giving birth," Iria casually remarked at the bulge of flesh peeking through Noin's shirt.

Noin shot her a nasty look.

"Is that everyone?" Lady Une asked her co-host.

"Yep," Sally replied.

Lady Une breathed a sigh of relief.

"Thank God," she declared. She fanned herself with her blouse. "It's too damn hot here in Marquesas."

"Damn straight," Sally agreed.

Duo appeared out of nowhere.

"Hey! That's my line!" he argued.

"Duokins!" Hilde hollered, waving at him.

Duo blew her a kiss. "Love ya, babe."

"He's so romantic," Hilde sighed.

"I said, Hey! That's my line!" Duo repeated.

"I'm sure it is, but I can use it whenever I want to," Sally countered.

"Yeah? And why is that?" Duo challenged.

Sally flashed him an evil smile. "It's not copyrighted."

Duo sank to his knees and bellowed, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

Sally and Lady Une cackled. Hilde looked on in horror.

Duo tried to stand up. He walked off-stage blindly, murmuring to himself, "Must. find. copyrighter. must.find.copyrighter."

"Anyway," Lady Une smiled, facing the PMS-ed gaggle of women, "Dorothy, you're being voted out!"

"Yay!" Relena, Iria, and Catherine cheered. They applauded madly as Dorothy looked stunned and stood up, walking towards Lady Une and Sally.

"Congratulations!" Lady Une enthused, whapping Dorothy on the back. "You're the first person to be voted out!"

Dorothy felt tears sting her eyes. "It's such and honor to be voted out! Oh my God, this was SO unexpected! I didn't even have a speech prepared or anything!"

On cue, Relena, Iria, and Catherine, started stamping their feet and hooting.

"I would just like to thank everyone who made my being voted out possible!" Dorothy went on, wiping the tears from her eyes. "Relena, Iria, and Catherine, who voted me out! Thanks! Mwah!" she blew kisses at them.

"Ready?" Sally asked Lady Une, who nodded.

"The Tribe has spoken," Lady Une announced.

She stared at the buckets of ice cream at her feet. "Dorothy, which one is yours?"

Dorothy thought for a moment. "I think it was the Guava-Java Havahava Mocha- Docha De Luxe Modulant."

Noin poked Iria.

"Is that an ice cream flavor?" she asked.

Sally picked up a pint of ice cream that had a sickly barf-green color with bits of shit-colored something...

And plopped the long bucket onto Dorothy's head.

"Sayonara, Dorothy!"

"Bye, Ms. Dorothy!"

Dorothy refused to remove the ice cream bucket on her head as she stumbled through the underbrush back to the 7-11. On her way though, she turned around and raised a solitary finger for all to see. Then she continued making her way blindly through the forest.