Chapter 6

Crying in the Chapel

A/N: Yeah, I wasn't gonna write a chapter dealing with the wedding until I thought (and some people told me) that it was too big not to at least mention. And besides, after 'Chosen', **sniff sniff**, we need some tender loving.

September 2012

You saw me crying in the chapel

The tears I shed were tears of joy

She found him in one of the adjoining rooms, sitting on a bench, staring up at the life-sized cross that hung from the ceiling. Spike's head was tilted to the side in that way that was all his own and Buffy smiled. In a few short hours (not even that, to be honest) this man before her would be her husband. Yes, he was already her mate but he had been right on the night he'd proposed to her; Buffy had wanted more, something that screamed to the world that they were joined in the eyes of God, but she had always been to afraid to bring it up. Besides, although she had wanted it so much, it wouldn't have been the same if Spike didn't want it just as much.

I know the meaning of contentment

Now I'm happy with the Lord

"Thought it was bad luck to see each other before the ceremony, luv," he said, his thick, rich voice drifting over his shoulder and to her.

"Well, technically, it's bad luck to see the bride, so that's why you're gonna keep your beautiful blues facing forward; do not pass go, do not look back," she said and sat down directly behind him.

"That's not fair."

"Who said it had to be?" she replied and slipped her manicured fingers through his tousled hair.

"Stuck up bint," he whispered fiercely and Buffy responded by slapping him in the back of the head. "Oy, watch it, now."

"That's what you get for talkin' 'bout your wifey-to-be like that." Spike sighed, and when he offered his hand to her, she took it. He kissed the knuckles of her hand before pulling it to his breast. Buffy had no choice but to scoot forward and she draped her other arm across his neck. "What are you thinking about?" she asked.

"Nothin'. Ev'rythin'. Don't really know."

"Is somebody nervous?" she teased, grating her chin into his shoulder.

"Not so much nervous, luv, as terrified."

Just a plain and simple chapel

Where humble people go to pray

All teasing ceased and Buffy's free hand cupped Spike's face, pulling it towards her but he pulled away. "Bad luck, luv, 's what you said." He tried to sound jovial but she ignored it. Pulling him closer, Buffy kissed him on the cheek and fixed her eyes on the back of his head.

"Why?"

"Buffy, luv, we've been together as mates for nearly ten bloody years. Been through it all, we have. And as much as I try to believe things won't change when we say our 'I do's', I know 's not true."

"You don't wanna get married," Buffy whispered and tried to pull her hand away. Spike held on, and stroked her delicate flesh.

"Heavens no, Buffy, I do wanna marry you, luv. More 'an anything."

"But you said…"

"I said that I know things'll change for good 'n for bad. And while I 'ave the distinct notion that the good stuff'll take the cake, I'm just terrified that…" He shook his head and Buffy knew that as the sign that he was withdrawing from the still sometimes overwhelming emotions of his soul.

"Spike," she murmured, and caressed his chest with her free hand, "please."

~~~

I pray the lord that I grow stronger

As I live from day to day

Her plea was a whispered prayer from On High, and Spike knew he was powerless to refuse it. For a year and a half he had been waiting for this day, to be able to claim Buffy as his wife, in law and in the eyes of God. Eyes of God, he thought and laughed humorlessly. Spike had always believed in God, it had been something his mother had instilled in him during the days in London. So, yeah, he had been a God-fearing man (along with fearing everything else, as well) but it had changed after Drusilla had turned him. True, he still believed in God but everything that he was hated the bugger. It was similar to how he looked at slayers; they were, after all, mortal enemies. He respected them both, true, but his demon wanted nothing more than to reject everything that represented the Lord. And Spike had thought that he would feel that way for the rest of his natural existence for, after all, wasn't like his ticket would ever be stamped with the Seal of Approval for admittance through the Pearly Gates.

But, as a hundred plus years had shown him, things changed. And over the last decade, Spike had come to respect God even more and hate him less and less everyday. True, he didn't know what that meant, not yet, but it was at least a start for something new, something better.

I've searched and I've searched

But I couldn't find

No way on earth to gain peace of mind

"I'm terrified, Buffy. Terrified that I'm gonna bugger this up. Terrified that in two years, or five, or, bloody 'ell, fifteen, that you an' me 'll be on the outs. And it'll be my fault."

"Spike…"

"No, luv, you don't understand. I've lived ten years with this soddin' soul but that doesn't change what I am. Don't get me wrong, I'd never in a thousand years want this thing gone but that doesn't matter. We've played house for ten years, luv, ten years of you bein' my mate and it's been bloody great. But Buffy, living as your 'usband is somethin' totally different."

"Why does it have to be?"

"Because, that's jus' the way things are." They were silent for several minutes and when Spike picked up the scent of salty liquid, his soul shivered inside of him. "Buffy, luv, don't cry. I didn't mean anythin' by it…"

"Yes you did, Spike," she said and he was surprised at the calmness in her voice. "I just can't believe I didn't see it sooner."

"See what, pet?"

Buffy said nothing at first, and hugged him tightly. Her tears were warm against his skin when she rubbed her face against his neck. Spike leaned back into her arms, allowing her hands to roam over the planes of his body.

"You're right, Spike, things do change. People change. But it's a natural thing; the older you get, the smarter you get--in theory, of course. You take less chances, counting more on experience than hope and desire to see you through things. And the playfulness of lovers after a certain age? Major no-no. And you know what? I say bollocks to that!

"Spike, you think that being my husband necessitates you to change your behavior, become something you're not. That's not true."

"But…"

"No, let me finish. We've known each other fifteen years and, yeah, we've both changed since then. Hell, we've changed since the last time we made love."

"True," he said, " 'm much more hornier since then."

"Pig," she said, and nibbled his ear before turning back to the topic at hand. "The point is, baby, is that change is a natural thing, you can't force it. Hell, you shouldn't want to force it, cause if you do, you're only making it harder on yourself."

"But I wanna be the best I can for you, luv. I wanna be the 'usband you'll be proud of, the 'usband you deserve."

Now I m happy in the chapel

Where people are of one accord

"Spike," Buffy said and kissed him on the cheek, "I've been proud of you for the last twelve years. And what I deserve is a husband that will love and cherish me through all the b.s. that I give him, will make love to me throughout the night and will protect me and those I hold dear. That's you, Spike, just as you are. I don't want you to try and fit yourself into some cardboard cutout of what you think I want a husband to be. I want you to be just as you are now; a good man that would die for me and will love me for the rest of his lifetime."

Yes, we gather in the chapel

Just to sing and praise the Lord

The vampire smiled as the tears burned tracks down his face. For the last year he had kept the fears of failing Buffy as her husband to himself, vowing every night to change what he needed to change once that band was slipped over her finger. To hear Buffy tell him this was a weight lifted from his soul. She loved him just as he was and while a part of him knew that, other parts of him still held insecurities that he doubted would ever totally dissipate. But that was all right, as long as she was here, in his arms.

"Mom would be proud of you, too," she said, and kissed him on the back of his head. She removed her arms from his neck and stood. "Even though she never told me, sometimes when I caught her looking at us bickering, I think she knew."

You'll search and you'll search

But you'll never find

No way on earth to gain peace of mind

"Knew what?" Spike called to her retreating voice.

She didn't answer for sometime and were it not for his heightened senses, he would have thought she'd already left. He waited, listening to the strength her heartbeat, drowning in the scent of her love until she finally spoke.

"That you were the One for me. Always have been, and always will be." He listened to her heels click against the floor and the slight whine of the door as she squeezed through it.

"I love you," she called back to him before shutting the door.

Spike smiled at the cross that stared at him, lost in the enormity of God, Buffy and this day. She had been right; things changed all the time, sometimes for good, other times for bad. You didn't always know which until it was upon you, but, more importantly, trying to change because that's what you thought someone wanted was, well, not good. The fact that getting the soul was for Buffy was one of those things that coincidentally worked out. Learning to live with it, however, was something he had done for himself and that was the most important thing.

Take your troubles to the chapel

Get down on your knees and pray

Standing, Spike walked over to the cross and kneeled. His demon shied away from the power that radiated from the object but his soul; his soul rejoiced at the warmth that bathed him. And just like his love for Buffy, Spike knew that his soul, that the love it felt, the love it received, would always be there.

Then your burdens will be lighter

And you'll surely find the way.

"Always and forever," he said, and planted a quick kiss on the cross, "always and forever."

TBC…Don't Be Cruel