Chapter 8

Suspicious Minds

September 2024

"Are you out of your fucking mind?"

Spike stepped back from the volcano that was his wife. He held his hands up in surrender but saw that it had no effect on the fire that poured from her eyes.

"Luv, I know how it sounds, how you must feel but…"

We're caught in a trap

I can't walk out

Because I love you too much, baby

The smack that interrupted him took them both by surprise, but it did nothing to slow her momentum. She stalked forward, her breath coming in razor puffs and despite the demon's reluctance to retreat, Spike knew that this wasn't exactly the time to show his stones.

"You know how I must feel?" She asked before repeating it, incredulous at the sentiment. "If you knew how I would feel, you sure as hell wouldn't have done this without talking to me. Do you have any clue what it feels like to watch your husband and mate coddling that crazy bitch?" She spat and pointed towards the living room.

Why can't you see

What you're doing to me

When you don't believe a word I m saying

Spike scowled as memories reminded him of a time when he had seen something quite similar. "Oh," he said, "a bit like watchin' you and your ex-honey snoggin' after that whole 'I was there' diddy you said to me in the kitchen."

He also remembered the night that had preceded her emboldened approach in the kitchen; the first night Buffy had ever allowed him to hold her. He had told her that he'd never been classified as a thinker and, as he watched her face ignite with a fury he'd never before seen, Spike had to admit that twenty years had done nothing to remedy that particular character flaw.

"Did you just compare what happened between you and that…" she yelled before taking a deep breath and speaking with a calmness that frightened him even more than her anger. "Are you comparing what I walked in on with what happened between me and Angel twenty years ago?"

Spike swore. There was no right answer to that and he knew he'd painted himself in the proverbial bloody corner. And the 'bloody' part--well, if he kept it up, there would be nothing figurative about it at all.

"Buffy, luv, I didn't mean…"

"Don't you dare 'luv' me," she said and the first hint of tears gathered at the corners of her eyes. "First off, it was twenty years ago Spike, twenty years!"

"I know, I'm so--"

"Secondly, we weren't even together then. So, yeah, I screwed up with the Angel kiss, but I wasn't committed to you, Spike, I wasn't married to you. And my memory may be faulty but I do believe that Angel and I were fully clothed, which is a lot more than I can say for you and your dark goddess."

We can't go on together

With suspicious minds

"We weren't--" Spike sighed heavily, knowing that yelling wouldn't get him anywhere. "Look, Buffy, we weren't doing anything."

"So that's why you were all shirtless avenger and she was down to her--what do you call it--skivvies?"

Forty-love, Buffy's serve. She did have a point but Spike couldn't let her know that in so many words. All he could do was explain, or try, what was going on.

"It was the only way she would quiet down, pet, the only way I could stop her from hurtin' herself more than she already was."

Buffy arched an eyebrow. "If she wants to get hurt, I can help her with that; easy as one, two, stake."

"You can't, Buffy. I already told you she has a soul."

"And? How many humans have souls yet murder and rape? If I've learned one thing these last twenty-something years is that a soul doesn't mean shit if the person with it doesn't give a damn or is part of the psycho network. And Drusilla definitely falls under heading number two."

"Buffy," Spike said and risked caressing her bare shoulder. He was encouraged that she only tensed but didn't pull away. "I understand where you're comin' from, luv, I really do, but I'm all she's got."

Buffy opened her mouth but shut it just as quickly and lowered her head. The seconds ticked by and Spike's unbeating heart felt as if it would explode from the wait. When she finally glanced up, Spike was taken aback by the resignation in her eyes.

"What about Angel."

"She remembers what he did to her as Angelus. That's why he brought her here. She won't go near him." Seizing the opportunity, Spike stepped forward and took her by the arms. "Can't you see, Buffy, I'm all she's got."

The look on her face chilled Spike to the bone and he took an involuntary step back.

And we can't build our dreams

On suspicious minds

"Get out." There was no emotion in Buffy's tone and Spike stared at her in disbelief.

"Buffy, I…"

"Please, Spike, just go." The first tear made its way down her cheek and he was powerless to stop the guilt that flooded his soul. "Get her some clothes from my room and go. I don't…I can't, I can't deal with this."

"Buffy?"

But she said nothing more. She turned away from him and slowly walked through the kitchen door.

Spike did not follow.

Six Days Later

"Remember that girl with the frilly dress?" Drusilla asked. She was nestled between Spike's legs and he caressed her bare arms, mindful of her nails. She had tried to rake her eyes out several times and Spike had been forced to de-claw her. Despite that, his arms were littered with scratches that had drawn blood after her latest panic/tantrum.

"Which one, Dru?" he murmured in her ear.

"The one who wouldn't play the spike game. She didn't like to play."

Spike cringed. He remembered too well that particular memory. The girl had been no more than nine and he and Dru had slaughtered the poor bit's family. Spike had wanted to put the girl out of her misery but Dru hadn't.

"No, Princess, she didn't."

Drusilla turned around and stared out through glossy eyes. "But I made her play, didn't I, Spike. I made her play and she yelled for the angels when I drove the spike into her. She yelled so loud…" Dru laughed but it didn't take long for it to fall into hysterical and guilt ridden sobs.

So if an old friend I know,

Stops by to say hello

"Shhh, Princess, it's okay."

"No it's not, how can it be? I hurt that poor dearie, violated her just as he violated me over and over again." There was no need to expand on just who 'he' was. Angel--or Angelus--had royally fucked Dru in every conceivable way. And despite his semi-loathing towards his Sire that still prevailed, the platinum blonde couldn't help but sympathize with the guilt Angel carried over what he had turned this former servant of God into. Angel had already called four times asking if he could help. Each time Spike told him no but thanks for the concern, as late as it may be. But every time he found himself apologizing to Angel for the remark, thankful that someone was worried about the former couple.

Unlike a certain wife that could not be found.

Will I still see suspicion in your eyes?

Spike rested his cheek on the top of Drusilla's head, enveloping her with his strong arms. He tried not to think of Buffy at times like this, wanting to devote his entire being to the wreck of a creature before him. But not thinking of Buffy was just as impossible for Spike as not feeling; everything that he was had been entwined with the petite slayer and being separated this long from her in such a way ate at him like nothing else.

"Go to her, my Spike," Drusilla whispered and he frowned. "Your love, my William, go to your love."

Spike shook his head. "Dru, I can't do that. I can't leave you…" Two slender fingers silenced him before he felt her cool lips slide across his mouth.

"Yes, you can, my righteous William. Go to her before it is ruined and the moon weeps for its heartbroken child."

"I won't leave you, Dru," he said, "not now."

The frail woman's rants ceased as Spike rocked her to sleep and his thoughts fell from the woman in his arms to the one in his heart. As much as he once loved Dru, nothing could compare to the love he felt for Buffy. And as Dru whimpered of their most heinous acts as she slept, Spike was kept awake by the fear that his life with Buffy was over.

October 2024

"How you feelin', pet?" he asked the naked form underneath the covers.

The thin woman shrugged and brushed her raven hair from her face. "Like a sun exploded behind my eyes."

"Well, that's better than a few weeks ago," he said amusedly, "back then it was all, holy water down your throat and garlic in your ears."

Dru laughed and Spike smiled. It was the first time in all their years together that she had ever exhibited such genuineness. Her mirth was usually tinted with a great deal of madness, but this--if Spike wasn't staring into those haunted pools that were her eyes, he would have sworn she was whole again.

"It hurts, Spike," she said, dropping any hints of her previous levity. "It hurts so bad."

Spike pulled her to his chest and her cool skin bled through the cotton of his shirt. "I know, baby, I know it hurts. But it'll keep getting better, I promise you."

"But it won't, William," she said and looked at him with sad eyes, "not for you."

The vampire frowned at the woman before him. "What do you mean, Dru?"

She pressed her delicate hand over his heart. "In here, you hurt, my sweet boy. Your pain screams at me. Find her, William. Find her."

"But Dru I--"

"I love you, my Spike, I always will, but she is your heart now. She has been longer than you've known. Don't lose that because of some obligation to an old love."

"But Dru--"

"Go to her, I will be fine." A ghost of a smile tickled her lips. "Besides, I need my beauty sleep."

"You are always beautiful, luv," he said and planted a chaste kiss on her lips. "My Princess."

Dru smiled and laid her head on the pillow and Spike watched as sleep overtook her. He had rarely left her side in the past month, depending on Willow and Dawn (who were a level above furious with him, though, at times, they had displayed sympathy) for supplies and updates on Buffy.

Buffy.

Even the thought of her tightened every cell within him. He had called dozens of times and never received anything more than a 'goodbye Spike'. He had no qualms with her anger, hell, he was angry with himself but, as he tried to explain in the multiple letters and messages left on her voicemail, he had to be there for Dru, at least until she was strong enough to face Angel. Spike only wished that Buffy could be there with him. But since that wasn't gonna happen anytime soon, it was time for him to go to her.

Sparing a final glance at the sleeping vampire, Spike slid the duster over his shoulders and strolled out of the mansion with only one thing in mind.

To see her again.

~~~

But here we go again

Asking where I been

Of course, a slight detour through a cemetery or seven was required to work up his nerve. Brushing the dust from his ninth dusted vampire, Spike renewed his trek towards Revello. Each step he took ignited a hanger full of napalm inside of him. It had been over a month since he had last seen her face and he steadied himself for the loathing those hazel eyes would hold for him. He didn't blame her and would welcome any punishment with open arms, so long as she forgave him.

He wasn't a complete wanker. He knew he'd pulled a bloody Peaches with the whole 'helping the hopeless' bit but it had been the only…

"Bollock, mate," he growled at himself. "There's always another way, you were just too bloody stupid to see what it was."

The self-flagellation continued up until a hundred yards from 1630. That was when he spotted the black convertible parked in the driveway. An indescribable, inexcusable rage filled him and Spike gritted his teeth. Not wasting another second, he streaked towards the house.

Not bothering with the door, he scaled the tree that led into Buffy's old room. Common sense would have told him that she wouldn't be there, as it was now the guestroom, especially not in Angel's arms.

Common sense must have taken one hell of a vacation.

A red haze clouded his vision and Spike had the urge to kill the two creatures that slept in the bed in front of him.

She lay under the covers, her arms curled around her fluffy pillow and Mr. Gordo, who was left out in the cold atop the covers. He was also above the covers, one hand resting on the curve of her hip. Both seemed at peace though Spike saw the dried tracks of tears that marred Buffy's glorious face. Tears that he put there. Just as he had driven her back into the arms of her precious Angel.

You can't see these tears are real

I m cryin

As he climbed down the tree, tears blinding his vision, Spike almost laughed at the ease at which his insecurities had risen within him. He was again reminded--painfully so--that he was, and always would be William the Bloody Awful.

Wasn't life grand?

~~~

November 2024

He felt her even before she crossed the threshold. Ordinarily he would have been out; now that Dru was lucid the majority of the time, there was no reason for him to remain by her side. That meant that he was always on the lookout for her and able to avoid her when necessary.

"Hey, luv," he said, never turning his back to her. He slid a cigarette between his lips and swore when he couldn't find a lighter.

"Hey," she said.

"So," Spike said and turned to meet the love of his life eye to eye, "what brings you here?"

"Spike, I--I've come here three times in the last week and you're never here. Hell, I've even talked to Drusilla--" That got his attention.

"Have you now? She didn't seem to mention that bit o' info to me," he lied. Oh, Dru had indeed told him about Buffy's visits and their talks but he wouldn't let her in on that bit of info, just as he wouldn't let her flinch at his callous tone affect him.

"Angel told me what happened."

Spike's eyes narrowed. "Which part? About me kickin' his poofy arse or the fact that he still think he knows what's best?"

"Spike, it's not like that."

The vampire threw the unlit fag to the ground. "Bollocks! I saw you two in bed together. Don't deny it, Buffy, I saw you…"

"Just like I saw you and Dru, huh?" she replied, her natural spark returning. "He was there to comfort me because I didn't know what the hell was going on. I screwed up, okay."

"So you admit it? You and him fuc…"

We can't go on together

With suspicious minds

She was in front of him before he could react and the hazel flames that bore into him reminded the vampire that this small speck of a woman was the reason the world was still here.

"Don't even think about finishing that sentence."

He shrugged. "Well, its true, innit?"

Buffy rolled her eyes and he knew she was using all her power to keep her temper in check. "No, we did not do anything, Spike, you know why? Cause I'm married to a man I love more than life itself, a man that is acting like a complete and utter bonehead right about now."

Spike's eyes widened and he took in his wife. "I'm a bonehead? I'm a bonehead? I wasn't the one who jumped off the mountaintop of conclusions two months ago." Buffy lowered her eyes. "I wasn't the one who wouldn't say more than a 'goodbye, Spike' for a bloody month. I…"

"You're right."

"Come again?"

Buffy looked up at him and he saw the tears that fought for attention in her eyes. "I said that you're right. I did jump to conclusions and, regardless of what you tried to tell me, I made up my mind about what I had seen. I should have trusted you…"

And we can't build our dreams

On suspicious minds

"And I should have been there for you," he said and laid his hands on her shoulders. "You're my wife, Buffy and you always come first, no matter what." Spike refused to look her in the eye; unable to retain any more of his misplaced bravado.

"Buffy, you're right, you did jump to conclusions but this isn't your fault. Yeah, you may have been able to handle it better, but I don't blame you. If the roles were reversed, I would've done the same thing--" on her dubious look he shrugged. "Okay, so maybe I wouldn't 'ave stayed away, but this whole cock-up is my fault. I should've talked to you, luv, made you understand. Should've asked for your help and, if you didn't offer, should've wiped my hands clean of Dru."

"But what you did for her…"

"Buffy, I…"

She reached up and kissed him on the lips. "Shhh, let me finish. You have become such a strong, good man, Spike and what you did for Drusilla was proof of that. Yes, I should come first with you but there are times that, if you can help it, you put the pain of others before anyone else. I've done that my entire life and I should have realized that if you hadn't have done what you did, you wouldn't have been true to the Spike that I love.

Oh let our love survive

Or drive the tears from your eyes

"We both screwed up; there's no use in one of us taking more of the blame. The truth is that we both saw with our fears, not our love. We won't do that again.

"It may take some time for us to get through all of this, to heal, but I know we will. We'll always find each other. Always."

"Always?" he asked.

"Always," Buffy replied, "always and forever."

No more words were spoken and the two lovers and mates embraced. They stayed that way for hours, content in the feel of loving arms wrapped tightly around them. Spike knew they had both screwed things up, he most of all and there was no doubt that he would be spending a great deal of time making restitution. But it didn't matter; as long as he held this slip of a woman in his heart and in his arms, everything would be okay.

That's how it always was.

Just don't let a good thing die

Honey you know I never lie to you.

TBC in "Burning Love"…