Author:  Darlaranger

Story Title:  How Things Circle Around

Chapter Title:  Last Stop of the Day

Disclaimer:  I'm a poor college student.  I own nothing, literally.  Please don't sue.

Chapter Summary:  She falls in love every night —Jordan's POV

Honorable mentions:  Thanks to Sabrina and jordanchick for their reviews of my first two chapters.

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How Things Circle Around: Last Stop of the Day
07.22.03 @ 11:40 PM

Every night, before I finally surrender myself to sleep, I take a walk down the upper hallway of my house. Just a few doors down from my own bed, my daughter sleeps safely. For the past 18 years, I've walked this path almost every night.

I need to reassure myself that she's there, because sometime it feels like the most wonderful dream I could ever have--I'm afraid one day I'll wake up, and there'll be no one sleeping down the hall.

As I watch her breath in and out from the doorway of her room, I can't help having a hard time believing that she came from me. It's amazing to think that this lanky-limbed, raven-haired miracle once grew inside of me. She's the proof that I've got a bit of innocence left, that I've got a bit of good in me, that what I do and what I see hasn't cut it all away.

I've always been amazed by her, since the very moment of her birth. I remember the first time I saw her, just born, red and squalling and covered in the remnants of what had been her home for the past nine months cradled in the doctor's hands. And then the moment we met, when Farmboy took her gently from the nurse, terrified of hurting her, and slowly brought her over to lie in my arms. Those perfect hands and feet, those 10 fingers and 10 toes, miniature nose and ears--it was like holding a piece of heaven in your arms.

If you know me, you know that love doesn't come easily for me. I have a history of running away, of backing off, of going a little wild when I feel love getting too close to my skin. Farmboy had a hell of a time convincing me that he loved me, and then again trying to get me to admit that I loved him.

But with my newborn daughter in my arms, sucking at my breast, clenching the finger of my husband tightly as he sat beside us, enthralled, I fell in love. Deep, hard, instantaneous love. And for the first time ever, my first thought was not to run away as fast as my feet would carry my hidden heart. This time, I wanted to grab on to her, and never let her go.

So almost every night since the day we brought her home my last stop of the day is her room. I tiptoe in, and gently pry whatever she fell asleep reading from her hands. I pull the covers up to her shoulders, and then I kneel, put my palm on her back, and just feel the motion of her breathing. I whisper I love you, baby as I back away into the hall, turning off the light as I go.

I'm almost completely out when I hear her response in the darkness, I love you too, Ma.

And I fall in love again, every single night.