WHEN DJANGO MET DRUSILLA:
A TALE OF TWO LOONIES

BY DJANGO

CHAPTER ONE -
ALL WORK AND NO PLAY?

This opening scene could have taken place anywhere in the UK. Anywhere there's a harbour and ships coming in from over the world. Think about that for a moment. Maybe you could have been the harbour master. Maybe you saw the strange boat moving erratically, as if out of control. Maybe you became suspicious and radioed the harbour police. How silent and deathlike the boat would look to your eyes, as the harbour police boarded. How bloodcurdling, their screams would sound, echoing from within. This harbour master, in question, was not a particularly brave man. What he now heard, made him downright terrified. His nerve broke on him and he hid behind some crates.

A little while later, the sound of girlish laughter came from the boat. Closer it came. Two figures finally emerged. The raven haired, taller one wore a glittering silver evening gown, an oversized but elegant boater hat, cool shades and colourful fake furs. The smaller blonde girl also had furs draped over her shoulder but she was dressed ready for the beach in her bright yellow top and shorts, novelty sunglasses and a ludicrous "Kiss Me Quick" hat.

Harmony looked out over the brim of her sunglasses. "Ugh! It's all so dreary and dull. Where's the sun?"

Drusilla smiled coolly. "I told you arriving in the UK during the day wouldn't be a problem. What a rough voyage we had though."

"Well, you did tear the engine out! Honestly, sometimes I don't believe you!"

Drusilla lost her sophisticated composure. "I told you, it growled at me. I won't have vulgarity on my ship!" A bright smile lit up her face. "Besides, I'm a princess! And the ship's tummy was all littered with diamonds, just for me." Drusilla grew reflective. She hated people to be critical of her but it struck herself, that she must seem very greedy at times to her personal assistant. "Oh don't worry Harmony. I'm sure we'll find a nice gift shop around here. I could buy you something."

"Whatever!" Harmony exclaimed, half listening. It was rather rude of her and she could tell Drusilla was frowning at her. Harmony didn't much care though, what her mean old boss thought of her. She began to talk excitedly, "I want to meet a real princess! We have to hit all the sights. There's going to be so much to see! There's-"

"Now Harmony, you know very well we're here to work." Drusilla admonished. A real princess, indeed! "The Federal Bureau have assigned me to a very important case. And it's up to us to foster good relations with the nice police force while we're here."

"Too bad the ones who came on the ship were so grumpy!" Harmony grumbled. "I really didn't like their manners."

"Perhaps." Drusilla agreed. "But we did paint their faces with smiles. Did you see how grateful they looked afterwards?"

"Well I don't see why we should have to work while we're here." Harmony argued, "I mean who wants to look at silly slides? And who cares if Freeserf are running an illegal cloning factory?"

Drusilla found herself smiling contentedly. What a silly little personal assistant she had. The poor girl would never advance in the Bureau

****

Django broke his way out of the burning factory's fire escape with a primordial roar. He was dazed from the acrid smoke that almost seemed to flee from the building with him. Stumbling, he spluttered and tried to shake his head clear. The danger wasn't over yet.

Just in time, he sensed the movement. Three of the reptilian demon bodyguards had also escaped the flames. They seemed less than pleased with the opportunity to start over in a new career. The leader came boldly, slashing with knives in each hand and with a spare in his clenched teeth. Django, in a blur of movement, broke the demon's foot, grabbed the knife from it's mouth and plunged it into his opponent's back. The dark haired young man had no time to be gentle. The information he had gained could prove valuable to the CIA and Django knew they weren't worthy of it just yet. Django looked forward to getting home and to his next visit to his favourite bar, the Bronze (bater). He very much hoped that comrade Little Miss Muffetivich and comrade Kronosky would be there to have a vodka with him.

From her vantage point, on a nearby roof, a small girl-like figure watched Django fight the demons. He was very good, the tiny figure observed silently. Perhaps he would be a suitable candidate after all. The mysterious figure giggled (again silently) at the prospect, but now it was time to return home. She had a sudden craving for tea and wished to write a letter to a certain stuffed pig, before afternoon nap. Perhaps this time, everyone could be happy.

****

Buffy nervously kissed her pillow goodnight. That wasn't so bad. She kissed it again, gripped it firmly and kissed it a third time, this time holding the kiss as long as possible.

"This would be better with handcuffs, you know pet." the pillow seemed to say.

"Shut up!" Buffy annoyedly nudged the pillow in the ribs. Honestly, he could be so disgustingly gross at times. No wait, it still wasn't right. The pillow lacked something. A certain icy-coldness to it's body. Maybe if she were to sneak downstairs and put it in the fridge for a little while. Suddenly, Buffy was blinded by her light being switched on unexpectedly.

"BUFFY! I CAN'T FIND MR-" Dawn stopped, confused. "What are you doing?" She frowned and shook it off. "I CAN'T FIND MR GORDO!"

"Now's not the best time, Niblet." the pillow scolded. Buffy looked warningly at it.

"That's what you came to wake me for?" Buffy tried to contain her annoyance.... and embarrassment. "For god's sakes Dawn, he must be around here somewhere. Couldn't you have went to Willow instead. She could have used a locator spell or....hmmm. maybe not a good idea." Here was a conundrum. At least she hadn't given into letting the pillow handcuff her.

"I searched everywhere!" Dawn went on, trying to deny that icky feeling she was getting, from the way Buffy had been lying on her pillow. "What if it's like the last time? What if he's run off again to that-"

"Enough! Stop it Dawn. Let me think." Buffy didn't want to remind herself of that time, when all the menfolk in her life seemed to be betraying her. Running to the enemy. In some ways, Mr Gordo had been the cruellest betrayal of all. At least Buffy could tell herself that Angel had been Angelus. Mr Gordo, on the other hand, had always been just Mr Gordo. That really stung.

Too late! Buffy caught a flash -

She was standing outside in the graveyard. It was cold and Buffy didn't know where to look. All she could do was sing. Open her heart and hope she somehow reached both the ears and heart of her enemy.

"Edith! Edith! Edith, Ediiiiiith! I beg you doll, Please don't take my stuffed pig!"

- Buffy wrinkled her nose and grimaced. But surely that had never really happened. Had it?

Another flash -

Soft focus. Chocolate box photography. Miss Edith and Mr Gordo were having a picnic. It was all green as far as the eye could see. They'd argued. But now they were making up. Miss Edith accepted Mr Gordo in a warm embrace and gazed lovingly and forgivingly.

"You had a temper, like my jealousy Too hot, too greedy." - Kate Bush

-aaarrrggghhh! Buffy tried to clear her head. "Dawn, just give me a few minutes to get dressed. We'll look together. If we can't find him, we'll wake Willow and go and see Angel."

Buffy had a plan. A cruel plan. But one, perhaps, that would force that cruel temptress's hand. If, Mr Gordo had really gone off to her again.

Buffy turned one last time to her pillow. "You're unhealthy for me. I can't bear to be with you anymore. You disgust me, you dead thing!"

The pillow seemed to gloat. Buffy snarled, but then relented. "Oh come on and give us a cuddle before I get ready."